by Emily Forbes
‘Cool.’
She wondered why Ryder hadn’t said they were dating. Had it just been a bit of casual fun in his mind? Something to pass the time until he went back to Perth? She wished she could tell what he was thinking as easily as he seemed to be able to read her mind.
She knew she was being contradictory. She was the one who had insisted on keeping things casual. On not making plans. She knew it wasn’t fair of her to want Ryder to be more invested in things than she was. It wasn’t fair to expect him to risk his heart but when was life ever fair? She didn’t want him to be able to walk away from her easily. She didn’t want to be rejected by him.
‘I couldn’t handle all that blood.’ The kids all chimed in, commenting on her choice of career and bringing her mind back to the present.
‘What’s the grossest thing you’ve seen?’ one asked.
‘You, Jase!’ one of the boys teased.
‘Tyler!’ Ryder’s voice was quiet but firm and Poppy could tell he was not pleased.
Tyler could obviously tell too. ‘I was just kidding,’ he said with a sheepish expression.
‘Kidding around is fine but it’s not okay to make jokes at the expense of others. You know our rules, Tyler.’
‘Sorry, Easy. Sorry, Jase,’ he apologised.
Jase and Ryder both nodded in acknowledgement before Jase asked again. ‘Will you tell us?’
‘You know the thing that grosses me out the most?’ Poppy said. The boys all leaned in to hear her answer while most of the girls looked a little more hesitant. ‘I can handle the broken bones and the blood but the worst is when people vomit. Especially if they vomit on me.’
‘Yuck.’
‘That is so gross.’
‘Told you.’ She smiled. ‘And that happens a lot. Most of what I do isn’t gross. There are some car accidents but there are more heart attacks and getting pregnant women in labour to hospital. Around here there are skateboarding injuries, surfing injuries and near-drownings.’
‘It’s kinda cool you get to save lives.’
‘Yeah, it’s pretty cool,’ Poppy admitted. She loved her job. It was everything she’d hoped for and one of her favourite things was how confident she felt in herself when she was in uniform. She felt strong and capable but it seemed like the kids had heard enough from her. They had devoured the food and were now getting to their feet, ready to hit the water.
‘Are you coming for a surf, Easy?’ Jase asked.
‘In a bit.’
‘You don’t want to surf?’ she asked as the kids grabbed their boards and ran down to the water.
‘I’d rather sit here and talk to you,’ he replied as he reached for her hand. ‘I can’t do that out there.’
She looked down at their hands, at their intertwined fingers. Her body sprang to life at the slightest touch from Ryder and her reaction scared her. Being with him felt right, it felt perfectly natural, and she knew she’d been waiting for him all her life, but she was finding herself constantly on edge too, waiting for him to walk away. Waiting for him to leave. She hated that feeling but she couldn’t divest herself of it. She was trying her best to ignore it but it wasn’t easy.
‘Who are those kids?’ she asked, trying to keep her mind occupied. She had a fair idea but what she didn’t know was how and why Ryder was involved.
‘They’re a group of at-risk teenagers I’ve been volunteering with through the local council. I offered to teach them to surf.’
‘Why?’
‘They’ve all had, or are having, tough times. They’ve experienced bullying or abuse or have been diagnosed with depression or anxiety. Exercise benefits their mental health and builds confidence. Teaching them to surf was something I could do and it gives them an escape as well as a network, a social support group if you like, along with some fresh air and exercise. It’s a win-win for everyone mostly. I reckon I get as much out of it as they do.’
‘I didn’t know that was something you were interested in.’ He was a natural with the kids. He’d always been a good listener; she’d never found him to be judgemental and it seemed the kids recognised that too. ‘Why did you get involved?’
‘When I came to Bondi one of the first jobs I did as a lifeguard was dealing with the aftermath of a suicide. Back in Perth I had some experience with people who were battling anxiety and depression and I decided I wanted to make a difference. This was one way of doing that.’
‘What happened in Perth?’
‘Mum and Lucy both battled depression but they dealt with it in different ways. Lucy developed an eating disorder and Mum was too busy numbing her loss with alcohol to notice.’
‘And now? How are they doing now?’
‘Much better. It’s taken a while, though, and it was hard initially, there was a lot of baggage to sort through. To be honest, I think Lucy’s problems started before we’d even left Byron. It was a cry for attention but no one noticed. Mum and Dad were too busy fighting and I was too busy trying to stay out of the way. It was only later that I felt there was more I could have done to help Lucy. More I should have done. At the time I was too focussed on myself. I was seventeen, I just wanted to get out of the house and spend time with you.’
‘With me?’
‘I was happy at your house. There was no fighting, no arguing.’
Poppy agreed there had been few arguments but in her opinion it had been because no one had taken responsibility for anything in the commune, including responsibility for the children. Life had just drifted along and the kids had learned to organise themselves. The kids had been left to their own devices, no curfews, no supervision, no boundaries and very few disagreements. Any arguments had to be sorted out amongst themselves. They might not have been showered with love and affection but they learned resilience.
But Poppy felt dreadful. She’d had no idea what he’d been going through. She’d never thought about what it must have been like at home for him. ‘Ryder, I had no idea. I’m so sorry. I should have listened.’
‘I didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to get away, to pretend it wasn’t happening, and being at your place gave me the chance to do that. Until the day that my mother announced we were leaving. Then there was no escaping reality and it hit us with a vengeance once we got to Perth. It was only then, when I spent more time at home, that I saw what was going on with Lucy. Her anxiety escalated as Mum’s depression worsened. It was a cry for attention from Lucy but Mum didn’t notice. She was dealing with her own pain. It was up to me to figure out how to get them through that.’
‘But who looked after you? You were only a teenager yourself.’
He shrugged, dismissing her concerns. ‘I was okay. But that’s why I know what these kids are dealing with. I figure I can make a difference. This is what I want to do. Work with disadvantaged or troubled kids. I told you I had a plan—this is it.’
‘So what exactly are you going to do?’
‘I’ve already done it. You’re looking at a newly qualified psychologist.’
‘What? Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘When you were telling me off for having no aspirations, you mean?’
He was smiling at her but Poppy was embarrassed. She felt remorseful but somewhat vindicated. ‘Well, I was right, wasn’t I? You do want more. But if you have a psychology degree...’ She trailed off, not wanting to say the wrong thing again.
‘Why am I goofing around in Bondi?’ Ryder finished. He’d always known what she was thinking. ‘I only finished my degree in the middle of the year. I had to work while I was studying so I could only study part time, but Mum and Lucy are both doing okay now. That’s why I could take off. This was my time.’
‘So what comes next?’
‘I’ve got a job offer in Perth, a graduate psychologist position, working with kids. I start in February.’
‘So you’re def
initely leaving.’
He nodded and Poppy realised her fears were real. He had plans that didn’t include her. He would leave her and she’d be alone again.
She had assumed this thing between them wouldn’t, couldn’t, last. She’d known it was only a matter of time before things went wrong, before Ryder would realise there was something wrong with her, that she wasn’t worthy of love, but it looked like he might be gone sooner than she’d expected, and despite what she’d told Lily she knew her heart would crumble when he left.
CHAPTER SEVEN
RYDER CHECKED THE TIME. Four hours left of his shift. Four hours until he would be on his way to collect Poppy. He used to look forward to the end of his shift so that he could go for a surf. Now he looked forward to seeing Poppy.
They had spent years apart but he’d never forgotten her, and while she was still the girl of his teenage fantasies, time had marked her. She was still gorgeous, she still set his pulse racing, still made him lose his mind, but part of the girl he remembered had got lost in an adult world. He supposed the same could be said of all of them.
Was it unfair to compare teenage Poppy with adult Poppy? Probably. Life changed people. But Poppy had changed more than he would have expected.
She’d always had plans but her plans seemed a little one-dimensional to him. He knew she would argue that she was focussed but he would debate that she was ignoring her emotional needs in deference to her financial ones. While he understood her need for stability and security, he didn’t think that fulfilment lay in material possessions.
In his opinion fulfilment came from personal connections, from having your emotional and physical needs met. And at the heart of all that was love. Not money. He was determined to convince her that financial security was not the be all and end all. Emotional security, happiness, trust and love were all far more important.
He knew Poppy’s parents, and particularly her mother, hadn’t been overly affectionate and that, as a consequence, she guarded her heart. He knew she loved her siblings, but could she love him?
Poppy never talked about her feelings. None of the Carlson siblings had ever spent much time talking about their feelings—their opinions, sure, but not their emotions. As a teenage boy he hadn’t wanted to talk about feelings either, he’d been content just to have Poppy’s company. Now he wanted her to open up to him. He knew she found it hard. He knew she was scared and vulnerable and Craig’s infidelity hadn’t helped. It had felt like a betrayal of the worst kind. Craig had rejected her. He hadn’t loved her.
Poppy had told him she hadn’t loved Craig either but that didn’t take away her greatest fear. Her fear of not being loved. She’d never admitted that to him but he knew that was it. After all these years he still felt like he sometimes knew her better than she knew herself.
And he knew he had to convince her that there was more to life than a house and a healthy bank balance. He had to convince her that she needed more. Deserved more.
She needed love.
She deserved love.
His ego told him that he was the one who could give her that. He was the one who could make her happy. But was he kidding himself? Could she love him?
Ryder was starting to feel a sense of urgency. Poppy was refusing to discuss the future with him and that worried him. She always had a plan. Was she refusing to discuss her plans because they didn’t include him?
Did she want to be with him or was she deliberately putting up barriers? What if, after all these years, he was just her rebound guy?
It was a possibility. She’d said she’d imagined being with him since she was sixteen but what if, after all those years, it was simply a case of him being in the right place at the right time as her relationship with Craig had imploded. Was that all this was? A matter of convenience?
Did it matter if he was the rebound guy?
He knew it did. At least to him.
He wanted a lifetime. He wanted the dream.
But was it just that? A dream. Not a reality. Not their reality?
He had to convince her they were meant to be together. They’d lost twelve years. He couldn’t let her go now.
His time in Bondi was drawing closer to an end but as his departure date loomed he realised he didn’t want to leave. Not without Poppy.
He was hoping to convince her that she could come with him. That she could make a home with him.
He still loved her, had never stopped loving her. Could she love him?
He hated this feeling of insecurity, hated this feeling of the unknown. He had to get her to talk to him. He had to know what she was thinking. What she was feeling. Had to know if he could be the one for her.
He knew she needed stability and security. She wanted a house, a home, and he wanted to give her that. He doubted he’d be able to convince her to move away from her siblings, but he didn’t have to go back to Western Australia. He could stay here, he would stay here, he’d do it for her. He would prove to her that she was worthy of being loved, of being adored. He wouldn’t let her down.
She needed him to be mature. Dependable. Reliable. Stable. She needed him to be all those things. He knew it, even if she didn’t.
He would show her he could be all those things. That he could be everything she needed. And if she wasn’t going to make plans, he would. He’d give it everything he had.
Ryder took a deep breath as he parked outside Poppy’s house after his shift. This was it. The moment of truth.
He had booked a weekend away for the two of them, and they were headed to a bed and breakfast at a Hunter Valley winery. They would go wine tasting and walking. They’d make love, sleep late and have breakfast in bed. They could spend time together, make new memories and see what their future held.
He was smiling as he knocked on the door but his smile didn’t last long.
She answered the door dressed in her paramedic’s uniform.
‘Did you have a shift today?’ he asked. He hadn’t realised she’d been rostered on.
‘No.’
She looked worried, distracted. He could always tell when she had something on her mind and knew he would probably need to prise it out of her. She never willingly disclosed her feelings.
‘What’s happened?’
‘I just got off the phone from Craig,’ she said as she headed for the kitchen.
Ryder’s heart raced in his chest as he followed her through to the deck. He knew it was over between Poppy and Craig but he couldn’t help the feeling of jealousy that flared up against his will whenever he thought of Poppy with Craig. The mention of his name reminded Ryder of all the time Poppy had wasted on someone who didn’t appreciate her.
‘He wants to put the house on the market,’ Poppy continued.
‘That’s good.’ Relief washed over him. Selling the house would sever their last connection. Poppy could be done with Craig and move on. It was a good thing in his opinion but Poppy’s face suggested she didn’t agree. ‘Isn’t it?’
She was shaking her head. ‘No. I don’t want to sell it.’
Ryder frowned. If she didn’t want to sell it could only mean one thing. ‘You want to keep it?’
She nodded.
That made no sense to him. Why would she want to keep a house she’d bought with Craig? There could only be one reason. ‘Are you going back to Brisbane?’
‘No. I’m not planning on going back but I worked hard for that house.’
‘I understand that. But it’s just a house.’
‘It’s more than that,’ she said. ‘It’s the first house I ever owned. It’s my home. I’ve never felt like I’ve had a home before.’
‘What about where you grew up?’
‘The commune!? You remember what that was like? People drifted in and out of the houses as they pleased. It never felt like our house belonged to us and I want a place that I know is mi
ne. My parents never owned that house, they didn’t even own the land it was on, and we could have been kicked off at any time and left with nothing. I need to know I have a roof over my head and I’ve worked hard to get that and I’m not going to give it up.’
‘What are you saying?’
‘I don’t want to sell. I want to buy Craig out. Which means I need all the money I can get.’
Ryder finally caught up. ‘You’re taking an extra shift? Tonight?’
She nodded. ‘Yes.’
‘What about our weekend away?’
‘I’m sorry, Ryder, I need the money. I want to keep my house.’
Ryder could see his plans evaporating before him bur perhaps he could salvage something, he thought as he quickly ran through his options.
They could leave later. It would mean they lost a day but that was better than nothing. He was prepared to compromise. That was what love was all about, wasn’t it? And he loved her. He suspected he’d never stopped loving her.
‘Do you want to leave tomorrow instead?’ he asked.
She shook her head. ‘I’ve taken a shift tomorrow, too.’
‘You’re going to work all weekend?’ She wouldn’t look at him and he knew the answer. ‘So we’re not going away.’
‘Can I take a rain check?’
He was beginning to suspect that life with Poppy might be an endless series of rain checks. Love was about compromise, respect, trust and honesty but Ryder didn’t want to always be the only one making sacrifices, he didn’t want to be the one always waiting. ‘What’s more important?’ he asked. ‘Being happy or working yourself to the bone?’
‘I’ve put hours and hours of my time into that house, not to mention blood, sweat and tears and thousands of dollars. I’m not giving it up.’
He knew Poppy needed security and stability but he’d hoped their relationship might have been a higher priority than a house, but he’d obviously been kidding himself. ‘There’s more to life than a big bank balance and a fancy house, Poppy.’
