by V, Krissy
I pull back “Thanks Caleb, I appreciate you coming over to see me, I’m fine, I just have a lot of things to organise now. I’ll see you soon ok” I can’t have him here, I can’t think about him, I need to think about Felix and all the things I need to do to say goodbye. I take his hand and walk him to the front door “Caleb you shouldn’t have come here, I know you worry about me but honestly I’m fine”
“Tasha, you don’t fool me, I know you’re hurting and that’s fine, but I want to help you in anyway I can” he’s trying to pull me in for a hug but I resist, I don’t need this right now. I know that if he hugs me again, I won’t want him to stop and I’ll break down and I don’t want to do that. Not in front of him!
“Ok, I’m going, but I will be here for you and I will make sure you are ok because I worry about you. You can’t push me away, I always protect those I care about Tasha” he kisses me on the cheek, walks through the door and gets in his car. I stand and lean against the wall breathing slowly to try and still my heart which is going mad.
I walk back into the kitchen “Mum, why did you let him in?”
“He’s your friend, you told me that when I asked you about him before” she says.
“I know I’m sorry, I was just surprised to find him here that’s all. Mum, I need to ring work and tell them that I won’t be back in this week, I think I’m going to tell them that I won’t be back at all and just have time on my own before starting my new job” I know I should tell Mum that my new job is working for Caleb, but I just don’t want to have to explain everything right now.
“Do you think that’s the right thing to do Tasha? Shouldn’t you be with other people instead of hiding away from the world?” She says coming over to me and rubbing my shoulder.
“I wouldn’t be going to work this week anyway after what happened and then there’s only two weeks left anyway, it’s best if I don’t go back because they all know Felix and I don’t want to be reminded of us working together” I know it doesn’t make sense, but it does to me.
“Ok honey, you go off and ring them and I will make you some breakfast” she says as she walks back into the kitchen.
I ring work and then go back into the kitchen and sit down. Work said that they understood and gave me their sympathies and that they were thinking of me. If I needed anything then I should ring them.
Kammie and Luca come down and join us for breakfast, they both have to go to work today and so they leave after they’ve eaten. I am so grateful for the two of them and when they leave I go with them to the door “Guys, I don’t know what I would have done without the two of you, Kammie you are the best friend anyone could ever want, thank you so much for being my friend” I kiss her on the cheek and hug her “Luca, I don’t know where to start, you are an amazing person, you stuck with Felix and protected me at the same time, I love you and hope that we will be friends for life” I kiss him and hug him too. I can feel tears coming to my eyes because I know I mean every word.
When they’ve left I go back to the kitchen and get another cup of coffee and then I make a start on the list and by lunchtime everything is organised for two days time. “Mum, will you come with me to see Barbara and talk to them, they must be hurting right now too, and I have to remember that he belonged to them too”
“Of course I will baby girl, whatever you want to do, I’ll be there”
We get dressed and drive over to Felix’s parent’s house, I knock on the door and they let us in. It is a bit awkward because of the abuse Barbara gave me on the phone, but I love them, they have been a part of my life for the last few years. Barbara apologises for losing it on the phone, she explains that she was in shock, which I can understand because I was in shock too.
We talk about the good times that we all had with Felix, much like we did the night before. “I’m going to the funeral home to see Felix on my way home, will you come with me Barbara, just to say goodbye. They have laid him out in the chapel of rest so we can go and see him.” I ask because she needs to say goodbye too.
“I’d love that Tasha, come on let’s go” she says to Bob. We drive over to the funeral home in two cars, so that we can go our separate ways after we’ve said goodbye. I’m nervous but I know I need to do this.
When we walk into the funeral home, we are met by Mr. Walker who takes us to the chapel of rest; he offers his condolences to us all. Me, Bob and Barbara go into the chapel to see Felix, she goes straight up to the casket and starts to cry, Bob follows her and pulls her into a hug. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him be demonstrative to her and I find it heartwarming, but heartbreaking at the same time. I can’t go and see him yet so I stand with my back to the wall and just watch them. She’s talking to him and telling how much she loves him and how much she will miss him. Bob is standing next to her holding her hand and just looking down into the coffin, he reaches out and touches Felix’s hand and says “Son, we are going to miss you so much, why did you have to do this? We would have helped you with anything, we love you” It’s heartbreaking to watch, I take a couple of steps forward and touch Barbara on the shoulder, she turns and I take her in my arms, she sobs so hard I can feel her body shaking.
After a couple of minutes she calms down and says her final goodbye to Felix, she takes my hand and then they both walk out of the door, leaving me in the room with Felix on my own. I take one step at a time towards the casket until I’m right beside it, I slowly look inside and see Felix, he looks like he is asleep. I lean forward to see if he is breathing and it’s all one of his big jokes, but he isn’t. I put my hand on top of his and I talk to him and tell him I love him and I’ll miss him, because I will, I don’t think about the last month, I think about the rest of the time we had together. I brought our wedding rings with me and I put his on his finger and then I put mine on his little finger so that he has a part of me with him.
“To death us do part” I say to him while I do it, I never thought that these vows would come true so soon. I lean over and kiss him on the lips, he feels so cold, so unlike Felix, but I know it is him and I feel a tear drip from my face onto his. “Goodbye Felix I love you, thank you for being a part of my life” I turn and walk out of the room and I don’t look back.
After I have closed the door, I fall into my Mum’s arms and sob. She walks me out of the home and into the car, she drives me home and we don’t talk the whole way home. I just want this week to be over!
Chapter 43
DAD IS WAITING FOR us when we get home, he has cooked dinner for us but I don’t want any food, but I can’t tell him. We sit at the table and Mum does all the talking, I just don’t have the energy. “I think I’m going to go to bed, it’s been a tough day” I say when dinner is finished, I just want to be on my own. I kiss Mum and Dad and then go upstairs; I undress and then fall into bed. I’m asleep within minutes and I sleep well, no bad dreams, no nightmares.
The following day goes past so fast, people are ringing to offer their condolences, they’re popping into the house to see how I’m doing, and before I know it it’s the day of the funeral. I wake up early and go down to the kitchen, I think I need a coffee to get me started, I put a tot of whiskey in it to help me through the day. The funeral car turns up half an hour before the funeral, I have dressed in a black dress and put my jacket on as its cold outside. When we get to the church, we wait outside for Felix’s brother, my Dad, Felix’s Dad, Luca and two other friends to carry his casket inside. It is really emotional, everyone is crying, I follow the casket down the aisle and think about the last time that I walked down this aisle was with Felix too, but under totally different circumstances.
The service is superb and then Luca stands up and talks about his life with Felix and how much of a loss it is. It is so emotional, I find it hard to breathe. I know it is my turn next, so I take a deep breath and walk to the podium.
“Thank you all for coming, the last time we were all together was under happier circumstances and none of us knew that we would be here a few short month
s later. Felix was a wonderful man, he was generous, loving, and had a heart of gold. It will be a great loss to each and every one of us here today to say our goodbyes to Felix.” I can’t say anything more, I certainly wasn’t going to mention anything of the last couple of months, no one needs to know about that.
As I walk back to my seat on the front row I spot Caleb a couple of rows behind me, he smiles at me and I smile back. I can’t believe he has come along to support me today, he is becoming a rock in my life.
The pallbearers carry the casket out to the grave and the priest says his final prayer as Felix is slowly lowered into the deep, dark, wet hole in the ground. I can’t help crying out and I can feel myself getting weak, as I feel myself drifting closer to the ground I feel strong arms around me holding me up. I know whose arms they are and I realise that I need them around me, because I am not able to stand. I lean back into him and close my eyes. When I open them again, I see people are starting to leave the grave and walking back to their cars. I stand up straight and move away, I turn and say thank you to Caleb, he nods his head and follows me back to the funeral car. “I’m here for you Tasha don’t forget that” he says.
“Thank you for coming Caleb it means a lot to me because I know you are only here for me and not for Felix” I get into the car and close the door, Mum and Dad are already in the car. I watch Caleb as his car drives away.
“That was nice of him to come Tasha, he did that for you, you know how he feels about Felix” I nod. I feel like an emotional wreck today. The driver takes us back to my house, where we have organised food and drinks for everyone. Kammie and Luca have cleaned the house up and fixed anything that was broken so that no one would know what had been going on in the house. I’m not sure how I feel about being back in this house and I’m not sure I want to move back in, but I will deal with that when I have to.
After a couple of hours people start to leave and then it is just me, Kammie, Luca, Mum, Dad and Felix’s parents left. “Tasha we don’t want you to be a stranger, you are a part of our family and we want you to stay that way. We love you like our own daughter and we don’t want to lose touch” Barbara says and hugs me before she leaves as well.
I flop down on the couch and everyone else does the same. “How did you two manage to clean this house up so well in such a short space of time” I ask, because they really turned this house around.
They both look at each other like they don’t want to say “Well we had some help Tasha, we weren’t going to say anything, but your friend Caleb helped us. When we left here the other day Kammie ran into him and he asked if there was anything he could do to help you, so we asked him to help us clean up your house as we knew you would want to come here after the service. He helped us a lot, he rolled up his sleeves and got his hands dirty. Tasha he’s a very good friend you know”
I smile because I know he will do anything to help me “I know Luca, I know”
“He also told us that your new job is working for his company, why didn’t you tell us Tasha?” Kammie asks me.
“I didn’t want anyone to think that I got the job because of him, I told him I wasn’t going to take the job because I wanted to get the job on my own right, he said that I had already got the job before he became involved with the interviewing so I took the job. I was going to tell you all, but the moment never happened.” I feel really guilty now.
“Tasha we all know that you are good at your job and what you do, no one would think that you got the job for any other reason than being the best candidate” Mum says.
I smile at them all “I love you guys do you know that?”
We all laugh and then we talk about the service and the rest of the day, then Luca and Kammie leave and go home. Dad drives us back home because I don’t want to stay in my house on my own, until I decide what I want to do with the house.
When I go to bed I take out my phone and ring Caleb “Hey how are you?” I ask him when he answers.
“I think I’m supposed to be asking you that Tasha” he says.
“I’m fine, it was a hard day, which was to be expected really”
“I’m sure it was, but you gave a fantastic speech in the church. You really are a strong woman”
“Caleb I wanted to thank you for coming to the church today, you didn’t need to do that. Also, thanks for helping Kammie and Luca with the house, it was perfect, thanks”
“No problem Tasha I told you I would be there for you, I don’t renege, remember”
“Thanks Caleb you really are wonderful” did I just say that out loud, I can feel myself blushing.
“Thanks that means a lot to me, I’m sure you’re exhausted and need to rest so I will talk to you soon ok” I feel like he is trying to get me off the phone quickly, maybe he was busy and I interrupted him.
“I am tired Caleb, I’m sorry if I disturbed you I just wanted to thank you. Good night”
“Good night my Angel, hope you sleep well tonight” and then he hangs up.
I turn my phone off and lay back in the bed, I think of Felix and the good times and I start to fall asleep, Caleb’s face is the one I see before I drift away.
Chapter 44
I WAKE UP SWEATING, and I’m in the corner of my room just rocking back and forth, Mum is in front of me on her knees. "Tasha it's ok it's over now, come on wake up" she reaches out to touch me and I flinch. She looks sad.
"I'm not going to hurt you baby girl" she reaches out again and this time I let her take me into her arms.
I lean into her and cry "I thought I would be able to sleep now that he's gone"
"I know but today was the funeral Tasha, it was a very emotional day. I know you were trying to only think of the good times but your subconscious can only remember the bad times. Come on let's go downstairs, Dad went down to make cocoa" she smiles at me and I feel like I'm a child again.
She helps me up off the floor, takes my hand and we walk down to the kitchen. Dad is there when we go in and he smiles at me "I thought you might like some cocoa"
"Thanks Dad I'd love some" Dad puts the cups of cocoa down on the kitchen table and we all sit down.
Nobody says anything for about 5 minutes and then Mum asks "Do you want to tell us about your dream Tasha."
I take a deep sigh, a sip of cocoa and tell them “I was dreaming about Felix and all the good times we had together, it was a really nice dream. Then I dreamt about the funeral and Felix wasn’t really dead, he was waiting for us back at the house. When everyone had left I was on my own and he started calling my name, I looked everywhere and I found him in the bedroom, he was naked and waiting for me. He told me that he never loved me, that he had used me as a means to having sex on tap. He said that he wanted to work in Clifton Associates and when I was looking for a job he spoke to them and encouraged them to employ me. He told me that I wasn’t worth the hassle that I had given him in the last few months and he had faked his death so that he could kill me. Mum it felt so real, he was horrible to me. I woke up when he started hitting me, my body hurts even though I know it was a dream”
“Tasha you have been through so much in the last 6 months and your mind is having a hard time processing everything. I’m sure you will continue to have nightmares, but as long as you are here with us, we will look after you. We love you unconditionally Tasha” Mum says pulling me to her for a hug.
“I find it really hard to think about what Felix did to you, I wanted to kill him myself when I found out, but you wanted to give him a chance to get better, you thought he would get better. It broke my heart to think of him hurting you over and over again and you not telling anyone.” Dad says and I know he is holding back the tears.
“I told Caleb some of it Dad, he was there and I knew I could talk to him if I wanted to talk to someone.”
“I know that now Tasha, but as a parent it hurts when your own child feels they can’t talk to you about something so important.” He looks down at the table.
“Dad, I’m sorry” I’m sobbin
g now, my heart is breaking that I made him feel like this. “I … I… I didn’t think you would believe me, Felix was always perfect in yours and Mum’s eyes. I thought you’d think I was attention seeking or something”
“Tasha don’t you think we would have listened to you? We love you and we would have taken your word over anything. You have never been an attention seeker, why wouldn’t we have believed you? Tasha you are everything to us and even if we thought you were attention seeking then we still would have looked into something that serious” Dad takes my hand and holds it between his two big hands.
I look up and all I can see is unconditional love in his eyes “I’m sorry Dad, I should have trusted both of you to believe me, it’s just that when it was all happening I didn’t really want to believe it myself that it was happening. Does that make sense?”
“Of course it makes sense baby girl, I just want you to know that we are here for you whenever you need us. We love you Tasha and you have been so brave, we are so proud of you” Dad kisses my hand and then says “now come on it’s 4.30 in the morning, we need to go to sleep, will you be ok baby girl?”
“Yes, I’ll be fine Dad, thank you so much, I know I’m loved and I need to focus on that and not how much hatred there was in my life recently.” We all stand and put our cups into the sink and then we go up to bed, when we reach the top of the stairs, Dad takes me into a hug and tells me he loves me, so does Mum. I then climb into bed and have a really good night’s sleep.
Chapter 45
