by G. Benson
They left the game with no idea who had won; none of the kids seemed to really care. Three of them had started a dance competition in the middle of the field halfway through, and two had sat in the corner of the goal throwing sticks at each other.
They took Javi for ice cream, and Hayden watched Sam, constantly amused. It seemed like Sam was never sure what to do with Javi, how to take his blunt honesty and weird views of the world. But he responded to that. When she answered like she would to an adult, he only asked more questions and sat closer and closer to her, his sticky fingers playing with a bracelet around her wrist or plucking at the strap of her bag. Hayden listened to them chatter—or rather, let Javi chatter at Sam—and let everything from last night ebb away. Her mother had still been sleeping when they’d left, and Hayden was trying to shake the nerves that had settled over her at the thought of seeing her again. It was absurd, because her mother wouldn’t remember any of it at all.
When they got home, it was late afternoon and Javi was crashing. They ushered him inside, and Hayden’s elbows brushed with Sam’s as she helped Javi take his coat off. It was weirdly domestic. Sofia came down the stairs, rubbing Javi’s back when he rammed into her for a hug.
“Don’t you three all look cute.”
“We’re an absolute picture.” Hayden hung their coats up. “Javi scored a goal.”
“I did!”
Sofia grinned down at him. “Awesome. Why do you have a green forehead?”
“I face-planted. Tía Hayden telled me that word.”
Sofia brushed her fingers over his hair, picking out bits of grass Hayden had left there because it looked funny. “It’s a pretty good word for some of the stuff you do.”
“Can I watch TV?”
Sofia recovered quickly. “All right. Just for an hour.”
“Someone help me cook! Por favor!” Abuela’s voice came from the kitchen as Sofia took Javi upstairs to her room where she had a television.
Hayden looked at Sam. “Coming?”
Sam followed her down the hallway. Right before the door, fingers brushed hers and Hayden glanced down as they entwined their hands together. Right.
Swallowing, Hayden looked forward again. This whole intensely faking it thing was getting exhausting. She was looking forward to getting back to New York and being able to just be in their own space.
Yet, at the same time, the comfort was nice.
The kitchen was warm, and vegetables littered the counter, all types of colors. The smell of cooking beef hit her, making Hayden’s mouth water. Her mother sat at the table, her book of puzzles in hand.
“Buenas tardes, Abuela.”
“Mis amores. How was Javi and his game?” Abuela walked over to them, an apron on and a spoon covered in some kind of sauce in her hand.
“It was…interesting?”
Abuela cackled. “This is the word. One time, one little girl just laid down and slept. Right there.”
“But he seems to like it.”
“We will see. He is distracted—” she waved the spoon around in the air from place to place, sauce flying off “—all the time.”
“You said you needed help?” Hayden asked.
“Yes. Come.” She walked back around the counter.
Hayden hovered a second. “Hi, Mamá.”
Her mother didn’t look up, and Hayden felt Sam side-eye her.
“Paola?” Sam tried.
Her mother looked up.
“Hello.”
She didn’t say a word, but went back to her puzzles. A definite bruise had bloomed on her forehead, the white of the Steri-Strips stark against her skin. Hayden, giving up, went to stand with Abuela.
“Can I help?” Sam asked.
“No. Sit.” Abuela slid a cup of tea across to the opposite side of the counter, and Sam sat on a barstool there.
“Thank you.”
For a while, they puttered in the kitchen, chopping and slicing, adding flavors and spices to pots of food. Mostly it was quiet except for the sound of chopping knives on wood or bubbling from a pot. The smell of beef got stronger and wove with the smell of the sauce. Occasionally, Abuela hummed a song, and whenever she did, Hayden’s mother would look up and eye her, sometimes smiling blankly. Eventually, she stood up.
“I have to go for a walk.”
Hayden paused, a tomato in her hand. “Where to, Paola?”
“I have to do the shopping. My girls get home from school soon. I need to have it done so I can fix their snack.”
Hayden smiled softly. “They’ll like that.”
Hayden’s mother’s look was back to fragile. It would have broken Hayden’s heart if she let it. “They love their afternoon snack.”
A lump had swelled in Hayden’s throat. “They do.”
She couldn’t do this. She should offer to take her outside and walk with her. She knew that. That’s why she was here, really. For Javi and her sister and Abuela to get a break. But also for her mother, who wouldn’t even remember she’d been here. Hayden had a sudden longing in her stomach for New York—for Luce and Frank and work. For a life she’d buried herself in to keep her distracted from the one she was losing here.
“I need my bag.” Her mother started walking around the table, not as unsteady as the night before. “I need to go to the supermarket now. And then my mother is coming over for dinner.”
Abuela hummed. “What are you cooking?”
“Beef. She loves beef.”
Hayden couldn’t look at Sam. She went back to the tomato, dicing it to join the bowl she was slowly filling.
“I’ll go with her,” Sam said.
Hayden looked up at Sam. “You don’t have to do that.”
“You’re cooking.” Though she had a look in her eyes that made Hayden think Sam was offering for more reasons than that. “I don’t mind.”
Hayden looked back down, guilt flaring in her stomach.
“You are sure, Samantha?”
“Completely. Where’s the supermarket?”
Abuela gave her directions, adding, “Let her shop. It will help. She likes to go, and sometimes it’s easier than trying to convince her not to. There is money in her bag.”
Sam turned to Paola, who was wringing her hands. “Can I come with you? I have some things I need to buy.”
“If you must. I don’t have much time, though.”
“That’s fine.”
And Sam followed Hayden’s mother out, trying to convince her to put a jacket on.
“I like her.” Abuela’s eyes followed Sam. “She is good.”
Hayden nodded, grabbing another tomato. “She is.”
Hayden was starting to get that.
~ ~ ~
By the time they sat down to dinner, which Hayden’s mother refused to eat, it was dark outside. The meal was good, as it always was, and that longing in Hayden’s stomach for New York was melded with the one of missing things from here, even as she experienced them. Sam sat close at the table, their shoulders rubbing and knees together at random times.
A show for everyone. The happy, newly-married couple. When Sofia was watching them, eyes hard over her glass, Sam dropped a kiss under Hayden’s ear, soft and barely there and leaving that ache behind that had hit her the night before in the bathroom.
It didn’t go away.
After everyone had passed over their empty plates to Hayden, Abuela took Javi to the bath. Hayden started washing the dishes with Sam, and as they finished, Sofia came in from the living room where she’d been with their mother.
“Hayds? Can I speak to you?”
Hayden looked to Sam.
“You go,” Sam said. “I’ll finish up.”
“Are you sure?”
“It’s almost done.”
So, with that ache still in her chest, Hayden kissed her lips. She pulled away quickly, her cheeks warm, but Sam looked as she always did, calm. Hayden ignored the way her body wanted to move into the kiss more, to press along the length of Sam.
T
his weekend had really made Hayden needy.
Hayden followed Sofia out the back, sitting next to her on the porch swing that Hayden had spent hours in as a teenager, reading and sleeping after lunch. Outside was cooler than the warm kitchen, the air brushing along her arms, leaving goose bumps behind. When she shivered, Sofia grabbed the blanket left thrown over the back and threw it on top of both of them. Hayden shuffled closer, their shoulders rubbing. She could have breathed a sigh of relief for contact that wasn’t wrapped up in confusion or layers of pretense. To be able to enjoy it without questioning all the consequences. They linked arms, and, with her foot, Hayden made the swing rock. The backyard was cast in shadows, the tree Sofia had fallen out of when they were small rustling in the breeze.
They used to sit like this in between their teenage bickering. The day after her father had left behind three broken people, they’d sat almost all night and tried to ignore the sobs in the house their mother futilely tried to hide.
That memory, among many, was one of the reasons Hayden avoided coming back.
“You wanted to talk?” she murmured.
“Are you okay?”
Hayden dropped her head on Sofia’s shoulder. “I’m fine.”
“How’s your lip?”
“Sore.”
“She doesn’t mean it.”
“I know that, Sofe.”
Sofia sighed. “I know you know. Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”
They were already about to flare up at each other; it was biting at their words. A sharp edge.
“I know. I know, sorry too. Of course you didn’t.” Hayden tugged the arm that was through hers closer. “Sofia, we might need to talk about other solutions soon.” Hayden felt her suck in a breath. “It’s not fair to you all.”
“We’re not ready for that. We don’t need to yet.”
“But—”
“Hayden, you don’t know. You’re not here. You can’t come once every six months and say this stuff.”
Hayden straightened up, angling her body to look at her sister, trying not to let the anger that always jumped up so quickly take over. “Maybe that’s why I can say it. Because I’m fresh eyes.”
And soon, Hayden would have money to pay for all of that.
The look on Sofia’s face was almost anguished. “You get a few days’ window. We know, Hayds. We know her and what it’s like. What she’s like. But she really has been better with the new meds, and you and I both know that once she’s in a home, she’s going to go downhill so much faster.”
Hayden didn’t know if she could say it; she could barely think it. But maybe that was the kindest thing for all of them. It left her sick at the thought. And she pushed it down, away, because what kind of daughter thought that?
“Maybe we need to talk about it in a few months, then?” Hayden said instead.
“Will you answer my calls?”
Hayden managed to resist the urge to squirm, though she did look away, back into the yard. “Yes.”
“Because I’ve tried to call to talk about this stuff, if something new has happened, or after a particularly bad morning.”
“Why don’t you tell me when I call you back?”
“Sometimes it’s days later! And by then, other things have happened, and it’s easier to just move on from it.”
“Okay.” Hayden looked at her sister again. “Okay. I’ll try harder.”
“Thank you. You know—you know I do know how much you do?”
Hayden swallowed and shrugged.
“I do.” Sofia looked so earnest. “I do know. I know you gave up your career and you send so much money and make it possible for us to care for Mamá from home, like we all wanted. I know I volunteered to come in then.”
“Thank you.” Hayden’s voice was tight. “I’m so glad you wanted to do it, because I don’t think I could have. And I know Steven left you, and I know you’re raising Javi alone and do so much for Mamá.”
Sofia wrapped her arms around her, and Hayden wound hers around her sister’s back, hugging her tight, their chins tucked into each other’s shoulders. They stayed that way, close and hugging and unable to say anymore. When Sofia pulled back, her eyes were glistening in the low light washing in from the kitchen window behind them.
“So, Sam.”
Hayden gave a strangled laugh and swiped at her eyes. “Yeah, Sam.”
The lies. She didn’t want them infecting this moment.
“She’s nice.”
“She is.”
“She’s older than you.”
Hayden gasped and threw her hand over her heart. “No? Is she?”
Sofia rolled her eyes. “Okay, that was stupid. I still don’t get why you married her, though.”
“It made sense at the time.”
“And now?”
“Still makes sense.”
“Okay. Good. Does she know about Dad?”
Hayden sighed and sat back against the swing seat, moving them back and forth with her foot again. “No. Not everything. Telling her all about this was hard enough.”
Sofia looked at her strangely. “But she’s your wife. Shouldn’t you be sharing that stuff with her naturally?”
“You and I both know that sharing stuff takes time.”
“True. But I still think Steven and I could have been okay if we’d talked more.”
“I still don’t like him for leaving you.”
“We were unhappy, Hayden. Before Mamá, even. Before Javi.”
“Okay.” Hayden threw up her hands. It really wasn’t her job to argue that. But she could still not like the man for leaving her sister. Sofia was awesome—also infuriating, but only Hayden was allowed to think that. “At least he’s a great dad.”
“Exactly. He let me have Javi this weekend because you were coming, even though it was his turn.”
“That was…nice of him, I suppose.”
Sofia chuckled, the sound finally easing some of the residual tension in the air. “From you, that’s high praise for him.”
“It’s all he’s getting. Tell him thanks, though. I’ve missed Javi.”
“He misses you.”
They rocked in silence again, arms tight together. A cricket started somewhere in the corner of the yard.
“Mami!”
Sofia sighed, standing up and dropping the blanket back over Hayden. “Duty calls.” She turned, her arms crossed. “In a few months, let’s talk. Abuela is still coming around to the whole thing.”
“Okay. And I’ll answer the phone.”
“Good.”
“Mami!”
Sofia groaned and walked inside.
It wasn’t any cooler, but Hayden pulled the blanket tighter over her legs, something comforting in it. She pushed hard once with her foot, then pulled her leg up so she could sit cross-legged.
She stayed there for a while, in her childhood backyard, awash in the last few days. Tomorrow, they were flying out early, and she could fall back into work, see Luce, and tease them about Clemmie. She could cuddle Frank, if he’d let her. He would be cranky for days about being left with only Sam’s cleaner dropping by to feed him. She should also go around to her old apartment and make a token check-in. The lease would be up soon.
The screen door opened, and Hayden turned, expecting Abuela, but instead Sam stood there in oversized clothes. She’d never looked so…soft. Even outside of work she dressed with a sense of style Hayden herself had never mastered. But here, in old jeans and a light sweater that looked well-worn, she seemed homey.
“Hey,” Hayden said.
“Hi.”
“Want to sit?”
Sam hesitated. Finally, she stepped forward. “Okay.”
Hayden held the edge of the blanket up and put her feet back on the ground. The air was so cold, and when Sam sat next to her, heat flooded Hayden’s side. She dropped the blanket back over them and started rocking the swing like before.
“Your grandmother is very nice.”
“She i
s.”
“I think she thinks I’m starving.”
“She likes to feed people. Like all grandparents.”
Sam was strangely silent at that, her expression bordering on cold.
“Are you okay, Sam?”
“Yes, fine. How’s your lip?” As she turned to face Hayden, her gaze dropped to Hayden’s mouth, her face close.
Hayden swallowed heavily. This was ridiculous. She needed to get back to New York where everything made sense.
“It’s okay. Feels less swollen.”
“Good.” Sam was still staring at her lip.
“Does it look worse?”
“Just sore.” Her voice was low. Was that concern? Sam looked back out to the yard, and Hayden let herself watch her.
“Are you really okay?”
“I am.” She cleared her throat. “Your grandmother told me something I don’t know if you wanted me to know.”
Hayden sighed and looked back out at the yard. “About my dad?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“Yesterday when she made me tea, after we arrived.”
That was fast, even for Abuela. “She would have thought you knew already.”
“I don’t think she told me all of it. Mostly that he walked out on you all when you were sixteen. Is that why Luce joked about you hating marriage?”
Hayden shrugged, their shoulders rubbing. “I know it sounds immature, but I just… I don’t see the point of it.”
“Except for money.”
Hayden snorted and turned to stare at Sam, who had a crinkling around her eyes. “Oh, you’re funny again.”
“As I said, sometimes I am.”
“I think you’re funnier than I realized.”
Sam bumped her shoulder against Hayden’s. “Good.”
They were silent for a second, rocking slowly. “Dad left us behind when I was sixteen because Mamá found out he’d had an entire secret life. He had another family, another wife.”
Hayden could swear Sam inhaled sharply through her nose. She couldn’t look at her though, not when talking about this.
“Hayden…” Her voice cracked as she trailed off.
“He was never away on business trips like he told us. He was with them.”
