by G. Benson
“I’m not working. Tell them I’ll cover.”
Hayden almost burst into tears. “Luce—”
“No, really, it’s fine. That’s done. So you can book your tickets.”
Sucking in a breath, Hayden slipped out of Sam’s grip, her body missing the warmth immediately, and slammed into Luce. She wrapped her arms around them. “Thank you.”
Luce’s hands ran over her back. “It’s really no problem. I’ll call in ten minutes, after you’ve called, to confirm that I’ll cover.” They gave Hayden one more squeeze and pulled away. “Call me if I can do anything, okay? I’ll explain to Clemmie; don’t worry.”
“Tell her it’s amazing.”
“I will.”
And when Hayden stepped back again, Sam’s hand slipped into hers, their fingers linked. Hayden settled into her side right away and let Sam lead them through the throng of people. Leaving her for a moment, Sam reappeared with their coats and scarves, and Hayden tugged hers on robotically. As they walked out the door, she already had her phone to her ear, Sam’s hand back in hers.
While Hayden talked to the coordinator and explained the situation and that Luce would cover, they sat in the back of a taxi, Sam’s hand still in hers. Even when she hung up, Hayden had no urge to let go, so she started tapping at her screen with her thumb, pulling up flight details.
One had free seats at ten a.m. the next morning. Earlier would be better, but she couldn’t complain. She booked it, tugging out her card one handed and tapping in her details. She checked in as soon as she had the confirmation, and called Sofia.
“I’m all set. I sent you my itinerary. I’ll come straight to the hospital. Any news?”
“She has some kind of bleed. She’s on the emergency list.”
Hayden’s heart skipped over. “What kind of bleed?”
“I—wait. I have no idea. I don’t really understand. I can get the nurse?”
Somehow, Sofia managed to get the nurse to speak to Hayden. None of it reassured her very much, and when she got back on the phone, she reiterated everything to Sofia again as plainly as she could.
“Please,” Hayden asked when she was finished. “Message me when she’s out of surgery? Call me if there’s an emergency?”
“I will. I love you.”
“Me too.”
And Hayden hung up, feeling completely useless. Being there was all she wanted. To be able to kiss her mother before she went into the operating room. She wanted to hold Sofia’s hand, to murmur with Abuela, and to sit with Javi on her lap, heavy and warm and just so solid.
Sam didn’t say anything and melted back into the seat. She’d obviously heard everything on the phone and knew the bleed was a grade high enough to be worrying and that they wouldn’t know anything for hours. She had to know that this opened up the question of moving Hayden’s mother into more permanent care much sooner than any of them had wanted.
All too much and not worth talking about. Those words all hung between them anyway. Why discuss them? Why pull them apart and hold them up, exposed and needing to be acknowledged?
Her hand was still in Hayden’s, and it was like an anchor on the seat between them, stopping Hayden from floating up and too far away. The lights from outside flashed inside the taxi, illuminating them before dropping them back into darkness only to light them up again. Shadows danced over Sam’s face, and Hayden wanted to push forward and lose herself in them. The air was all gone again, and she had no idea how to bring it back.
Sam paid for the cab, her hand finally falling away as she dug out the cash. Inside, they stood side by side in the elevator, arms touching and Hayden’s fingers twitching with the need to find Sam’s again, to feel tethered to something. She checked her phone repeatedly, but she only had a message from Luce, confirming that they were scheduled to work for Hayden tomorrow and urging her to message at any time if she needed anything, and one other from her sister that was another message of love.
The house was quiet, with Frank nowhere to be seen.
Normally, Hayden didn’t mind opening the door to find Jon on their sofa. But relief flooded her that tonight nobody else was in the house. They stood, measuring each other in the entrance. Sam opened her mouth like she was about to say something, but closed it again. Crossing her arms around her middle, Hayden resisted the urge to shiver.
She’d never felt so useless.
Where she wanted to be was miles upon miles away and impossible to get to until the next morning. Her mother was in the hands of surgeons Hayden didn’t know. Right now, she would have paid all the money she had in her bank account for it to be Sam in there, operating on her mother. Ethic laws would prevent it due to the rings on their fingers, but she wanted it anyway.
It was strange, really, that the first time Hayden had really touched that forty thousand dollars was for an emergency plane ticket home.
Was she trembling? She might have been trembling. Sam was watching her, her brow furrowed, as if she was trying to puzzle out how to help, how to do something.
“Sam.” Hayden’s voice cracked, and she absolutely hated it. But the fissure that had opened up in her chest was aching, widening, and Hayden was afraid she was about to fall into it. She swallowed heavily, her throat raw with the feeling. The motion did nothing to push down the lump there.
Sam strode forward, and Hayden almost fell into her; Sam’s arms wrapped around her in a hug so tight Hayden thought Sam might be trying to hold her together. Hayden buried her face in Sam’s neck, her skin warm, pulse thumping against her lips. Without thinking, she pressed her lips harder to the soft skin there, letting the warmth soak into her. With the slightest movement, Sam tilted her chin up, and Hayden pulled her lips away, brushing Sam’s skin, only to press again slightly higher, trailing kisses up Sam’s neck. For the slightest of seconds, Sam tensed until her head listed to the side, as if to give Hayden more room. The quietest sigh brushed over Hayden’s ear.
“Hayden.” A warning was in her tone: subtle, but there. A longing too. The sound of it left pooling heat in Hayden’s stomach, spreading out toward her limbs.
Need. That was the sound, the sound of something that echoed within Hayden, that was bounding through her veins. It was so strong that she closed her eyes as she nipped at Sam’s earlobe.
“Sam?” Hayden’s voice was a hoarse whisper, and she didn’t even care. Her breath washed over Sam’s ear, and Hayden felt her shudder in response. “I—I need…” Her voice was pleading, and for a second, she wondered if Sam didn’t want this, if she’d step away.
But fingers fluttered onto Hayden’s waist, and Sam tilted her head, her lips hot on Hayden’s. No alcohol was on her tongue this time, no regret lathering her movements; just the soft silk of her mouth and the way she returned Hayden’s kiss with as much force as Hayden gave. Hayden wrapped her arm around Sam’s neck and pushed up on her toes, her body arching in.
The groan Sam gave… Hayden swallowed, and she started pushing Sam back toward the stairs, toward her room.
They stumbled up the steps, their coats pushed off somewhere in the living room. Hayden’s back hit the wall halfway up the stairs, and Sam pressed along the front of her body, her arms a cage around Hayden’s face. All Hayden could do was grip fistfuls of shirt and pull her in tighter. In the bedroom, her fingers slipped under Sam’s suspenders, pushing one then the other over her shoulders to dangle down the back of her legs. Her fingers grappled with Sam’s buttons and they tripped as they kicked off shoes, Hayden’s jeans a puddle on the floor.
Hayden bounced as she sat on the bed, hands never leaving Sam’s body as she tugged Sam with her. Sam’s thighs slid along her hips, and Hayden’s hands pushed up her now-bare back, palms and fingers splayed over the slight arch of her spine, her shoulder blades, her shoulders. Their kiss slowed, Sam’s lips languid, her fingers threading through Hayden’s hair. Hayden let her hands glide back down, resting over the slight sharpness of Sam’s hip bones. With a slow movement, Hayden’s hand left Sam’
s hip, the other hand moving further around Sam’s waist, her fingers digging into the small of Sam’s back. Everything was all smooth skin, and Hayden wanted to lose herself in it, to trace her fingers over more than that small patch. She wanted to run her tongue along Sam’s spine and see how fast she shivered. But she had later to do that, because right now, she wouldn’t have moved Sam for anything, not when there was the press of her thighs around Hayden’s hips, the sheer contact of skin against skin. It all kept Hayden in the moment.
The backs of Hayden’s fingers ran up Sam’s side, over her ribs, over her breast, and brushed over Sam’s cheek. With a flutter, Sam’s eyes closed, her face turning, ever so slightly into Hayden’s palm. Hayden’s fingers danced over her ear, the skin behind it, and she trailed them down Sam’s cheek, the tip of her index finger stopping over her lips. Warm breath washed over it, and Hayden’s lips parted.
Sam was a picture as she straddled her, with the light filtering up the stairs in the background. When Sam’s lips parted, she opened her eyes at the same time, and Hayden ached, a throb low in her belly, as Sam took her finger into her mouth, her tongue flicking over it. Hayden surged forward as Sam began to suck on it, her hand falling to rest on Sam’s chest. Sam’s heartbeat was a drum against Hayden’s palm, and she kissed her so hard that Hayden wondered if they would both shatter.
None of this was gentle anymore.
There were teeth and scraping nails, a hand digging into the back of Hayden’s neck as her fingers glided over Sam’s ribs, fingers trembling when Sam shivered. She wanted to see the expression on Sam’s face, to take in the image of her entire body as something only for her. But that would have meant breaking the kiss, and Hayden was lost in it—in the tug of Sam’s lips, the pant of her breath. The way Sam held her close, as if she thought at any moment Hayden might disappear.
“Hayden.” She panted into her mouth, the word almost breaking Hayden.
Hayden had to shift her hips, anything to relieve the ache between her legs.
“Touch me,” Sam said. Her hips were rolling, seeking friction from Hayden’s stomach, and Hayden pushed her hand between Sam’s legs, the other still clinging to the small of her back.
With their foreheads together, Hayden asked, “Is this okay?”
“Yes,” Sam breathed. “Yes.”
It was an impossible angle, an uncomfortable twist of her wrist, but it was worth it when she pushed past Sam’s underwear and her fingers glided through wetness and warmth. Sam gasped at her touch, and Hayden groaned, their lips pulling apart as Sam’s head lolled back. There was no way Hayden would stop her fingers from stroking Sam, nor stop her teeth from grazing the beating pulse under her mouth. Sam’s hips, flush against her, guided her movements, and she thrust more as Sam’s movements sped up.
“Hayden.” And her name turned into a grunt that sent fire through Hayden’s veins as she slipped a finger inside. “More.”
So she did.
The skin under Hayden’s lips tasted like salt, and she swiped her tongue from Sam’s collarbone to behind her ear, Sam’s entire body arching into her. She curled her fingers, and if given the opportunity right then, Hayden would have stayed there forever.
Sam’s hand fell to her shoulder and pushed, and Hayden let herself fall back against the bed, Sam following her down. Sam’s hips didn’t stop rocking, her mouth on Hayden’s throat. She turned her head to bite down on Hayden’s shoulder when Hayden swiped her thumb. Sam pushed up on one hand, hips still moving, her lips falling into a kiss that was all desperation, her breath nothing more than panting. Nails dug into Hayden’s side, grazing down along her stomach until her fingers were in Hayden’s underwear, and Hayden thought she might shatter apart on Sam’s hand.
Hours later, Hayden lay awake, Sam warm and naked behind her, curled along her back. From the floor, her phone beeped with a text message from Sofia. Their mother was out of surgery and stable. Relieved, she set an alarm and fell asleep with Sam’s arm around her middle, her fingers splayed over her belly.
~ ~ ~
It was not like Hayden to wake up with total consciousness. It normally took some time and copious coffee.
She blinked at the wall on her left, the night before crashing over her: Sofia’s phone call.
Her mother in the hospital. Surgery.
Sam.
Sam, who Hayden was very aware was behind her. She was no longer curled around Hayden but merely had a foot thrown over Hayden’s.
Hayden’s phone had been on the loudest possible setting, and her sister would have called if anything had happened, but she grabbed it anyway, moving as little as possible to avoid disturbing Sam. She only had another message from Sofia, saying she’d gone home to get some sleep and would call if there was any change.
It was six a.m. Almost. Hayden quickly turned off her alarm. She needed to charge her phone. She needed to shower and pack some clothes.
Sitting up on her elbows, she looked over at Sam. Much like the last time, she was fast asleep, her hair a mess, her face buried into her pillow. Red lines were down her back again, over her shoulder blades. Unlike last time, Hayden hovered, unsure about doing what she wanted—running her lips down Sam’s spine, kissing the back of her neck, falling into the safety of her before she had to get up and face everything that was headed her way.
But she couldn’t do that.
She had no idea what last night was.
The first time, Sam had so obviously needed something. Had Sam just been returning the favor? The idea left Hayden feeling hollow. It was possible. Hayden had all but begged. Warmth flooded her cheeks at the memory.
That was all it was: Sam had felt bad for her.
Hayden pushed the sheet aside and swung her legs over the edge. She sat there for a moment, looking around for her clothes.
“Please don’t leave this time.”
Hayden stopped. The voice was hoarse. When she turned, Sam was looking straight at her, half-asleep, still on her stomach.
Hayden had been caught in the act. She swallowed. “You don’t want me to?”
Sam pushed up on her side, resting her head on her hand. She was delightfully naked and didn’t seem at all inclined to pull the sheet up from her hips. Her skin was flushed from sleep.
“No.”
So here they were, the early morning light starting to filter in, and Sam didn’t want her to leave.
Sam always said things as if the answer was so simple. Like it had been obvious. Hayden lay back down, mirroring Sam, their faces a foot away, her head in her hand with her elbow pushing into her pillow.
“Okay,” Hayden said.
“I think we should talk.” Those words were never good, and something in Hayden’s face must have shown that thought, because Sam added, “Don’t panic, Hayden. Just. We should talk.”
Hayden chewed at the inside of her lip. “Okay.”
“What was last night for you?”
Hayden sucked in a breath. Talk about starting easy. What was last night for her? She’d been lost in a storm of emotions she’d had no idea how to sort through. “I just—I needed…”
Sam nodded, once. “It was only sex for you?”
Her face could be called impassive. Her voice neutral. But Hayden liked to think she knew Sam, now. At least a little. And her voice was almost too neutral, her face too impassive.
“No.”
Sam’s look was too intense, and Hayden dropped her gaze to the sheet underneath her.
“It wasn’t only sex. I—I needed something. But it wasn’t,” she raised her gaze, not wanting to finish the sentence just yet. “What was the first night for you?”
Sam’s eyes widened. “Touché.” The was a flush in her cheeks now that had crept up from her neck. Hayden liked her like this—in the morning, with none of the day wearing down on her. She was more real. More present. In her bed, with her clothes all over the floor and not even a sheet between them, Sam was almost vulnerable. A word Hayden would never have used for her befo
re this. “I guess I needed something too. We were also a bit drunk.”
“We weren’t drunk last night.”
“No. We weren’t.” Sam studied her. “You were going to leave again.”
Hayden huffed and dropped face-first into the pillow. Of course she’d been going to leave. Staying had seemed way too scary last time, and now, nakedness be damned. Even now Hayden wanted to run down the stairs, out the door, down the street, and away from the discussion of feelings.
“Hayden.” Sam sounded exasperated, and it made her smile into the pillow.
“I didn’t know what you wanted.”
“What?” Sam asked.
To be fair, Hayden had said that completely into the pillow. She turned her head, enough that she could still hide yet be understood. “I didn’t know what you wanted.”
“So your solution was to run away?” Even in hiding, Hayden could hear the frustrated tone in Sam’s voice.
“Yes.” Hayden dropped her face fully back into the pillow.
Sam sighed.
A hand stroked over the back of Hayden’s head, fingers tugging gently at the tangles in her hair. It was so unexpected from Sam, but it was exactly what Hayden needed.
“Maybe,” Sam said, her voice exceedingly soft, “we should talk when you get back?”
Hayden turned her head, one eye peeking out from the pillow and up at Sam.
“Yeah?”
“Yes. You have a flight soon, and a lot to think about at home. And this is…complicated.”
“Do you regret it?” Hayden certainly regretted how words spilled out of her as soon as she thought them.
Sam’s hand was still resting on her head, and her fingers curled into Hayden’s hair, her palm warm and weighted against her neck. “No.”
Hayden had never liked two letters more.
CHAPTER 25
Her mother was small in the hospital bed.
It wasn’t like seeing her in her bed at home.
There were tubes. A drain was in her head, and Hayden couldn’t stop herself from checking everything, eyes restlessly moving over the machines and the pulse oximeter readings, watching the rise and fall of her chest. They’d sedated her for now to stop her tugging on the various plastic things coming out from her body.
