Chapter Twenty
Confused
THANIEL WATCHED SAMI leave then turned his gaze on Jax who had somehow come to mean more to him than he could have ever expected. Without realizing, he sank down onto the floor and lay against the end of the bed with his arms resting on top as he kept his eyes on Jax.
How? How had these people become such a huge part of his heart? Rationally, his mind knew he had a fear of losing people he cared about. For that reason alone, he usually held himself back, afraid to get close. But what he felt for Tierney, Jax, and Sami, went much deeper than anything he’d felt for anyone before with the exception of maybe his father.
Although, his feelings for his father had been different. Before the man walked out on him and his mom, he’d known his father loved him. With these three, he felt so much more. Could it be because he was now a Were-leopard? He didn’t know and it was confusing. He didn’t understand it, but he felt like he would die if something happened to any of his three friends—they had all snuck deep into his heart.
It wasn’t long before Tierney swept into the room. When she spotted Thaniel, a tiny smile curved her lips. “You don’t have to sit down there, you know?”
He didn’t move and with a shrug, Tierney turned to Jax who lay so horribly still in her bed. Her smile disappeared and tears filled her eyes as she climbed up and wrapped her arms around him. “Jax,” she whispered and Thaniel knew she wasn’t expecting him to answer.
“How is your dad?” he asked, and saw Tierney take a deep breath before she answered.
“He’s still alive, but he’s not healing like he should. Kyrian and his healer put him into a magical coma.”
“I’m sorry,” he said.
Tierney gave him a sad smile. “Yeah, me too.” Then she blew out a breath. “At least he’s alive. Before we found you, I thought he’d died, so … I guess it could be worse, right?”
Thaniel nodded, hoping she was right. He tried not to stare as Tierney lay with Jax for the next hour, but it was difficult not to. Finally, Tierney got up, went into the bathroom and came out with a washcloth.
“Do you want some help?” he asked as she gently wiped the dried blood from Jax, but she just shook her head.
“No. Thanks, though. I want to do it.”
Again, he nodded. When she was done, she watched Jax for a long moment, lost in thought. Then she glanced down at Thaniel as if she had forgotten he was there.
“You can go take a break––eat, and shower—if you want.”
There was a warmth in her eyes that made him want to melt, but he really didn't want to leave.
“I’ll keep an eye on him until you get back,” she added, as if she’d read his mind.
Until he got back? So, she wasn’t kicking him out? His heart swelled. “All right.” He felt like a kid with a brand new lollipop, as he nodded and hurried down to his room.
After a quick shower, Thaniel dressed in navy sweat pants, a red long-sleeve t-shirt, and then looked in the mirror. Light-blue eyes stared back at him through the strands of his long blond hair. Turning away, he walked out of his room and almost collided with Crazy Genna.
“Out of our way, little leopard.”
He moved back as she led Kyrian, who nodded at Thaniel, and the healer to the room Tierney had put Genna and her friend in. Thaniel waited until the door closed behind them before once again stepping into the hallway and dashing back upstairs.
“Oh, great. I want to go check on everyone else. Can you keep an eye on him again?” Tierney asked.
“Yes, of course,” Thaniel said, looking at Jax who now lay underneath the blankets.
“Thank you, Thaniel,” Tierney said as she left the room.
He knew he could have dragged a chair over, but instead, he just sank down onto the floor. He watched Jax’s chest rise and fall, wishing he’d wake up and teasingly call him Kitty.
The intensity of his feelings continued to confuse him. As did the strange need to keep an eye on Jax. He knew Jax was no longer in any danger of dying and just needed to rest and heal, at least he hoped that was the case, but regardless, he couldn’t make himself leave. Unable to withstand the pull any longer, and with no conscious thought of what inspired him, Thaniel cautiously climbed onto the end of the bed.
When Tierney walked in, he tensed up. He expected her to ask him to get off the bed, but when her eyes landed on him, she didn’t say a word. Still, he sat up, but she just nodded and climbed up beside Jax as well. “You don’t have to lay down there.” She indicated the space on the other side of Jax.
Completely embarrassed, Thaniel ducked his head. “I’m fine.”
Tierney stared at him for a moment longer and he couldn’t help wondering what she was thinking.
“Any change?” she finally asked, turning worried eyes on Jax.
Thaniel shook his head and cleared his throat. “No.”
He watched Tierney’s eyes drink in the man she loved, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. Just the sight did something to Thaniel and he had to look away for a moment. To have someone love him like that. …
“How is the man Sami brought home, and ah … Crazy—ah, Genna’s friend?” he asked instead.
Tierney shook her head. “Well, the guy Sami brought home is named Brimstone, and he’s obviously not human. I don’t know what he is, but he’s healing, just needs rest. Genna’s friend, Caden, apparently is human. He’s in pretty rough shape. He has a broken ankle, some cracked ribs, bruising all over, and his back is completely flayed open.”
He started to raise a hand to his face, then dropped it when he realized what he was doing. “That’ll take a while to heal,” he said, a tremble in his voice. He knew firsthand the pain the guy must be in, and would go through while he healed.
“Yeah.” Tierney was no longer looking at him. Instead, she lay cuddled up close to Jax with an arm over his chest. She must’ve sensed Thaniel watching, because she turned her gaze on him.
Thaniel swallowed, nervous once again.
“Talk to me, Thaniel. Distract me,” she said softly, and his eyes widened in surprise.
He didn’t know what to talk about, or say. “Tell me about yourself. What’s your favorite color? What do you like to do … or eat? What are your dreams?” she asked in a quiet voice.
It was a voice he loved listening to, but right now cold dread, like a snake, grabbed a hold of him. He hadn’t ever had much of a chance to figure out what he liked, and as far as what his dreams were, there was only one thing he wanted, but it was an impossible dream. One he knew he’d never have. With no idea of what to say, he swallowed deeply.
“I’m sorry, Thaniel. Look, how about I talk, tell you a bit about me, or—” She glanced down at Jax for a moment. “Us.”
He nodded, filled with relief at being off the hook, along with excitement at learning something about these people he cared so much about. Maybe he’d finally learn what they are.
That wasn’t what Tierney talked about, and it was as if her mind just wandered around from here to there. He listened to her tell him about the work they all did, along with some stories. Then she was silent for a moment as she studied Jax.
“We’ve known each other all our lives. My mom, and Sami and Jax’s mom were best friends.” She gave a sad smile. “When we were little, Sami and I thought it was wonderful that we were born on the exact same day. My mom had me in the morning, and Latia had Sami late that evening.”
Thaniel felt more than a little envious. To have that connection with someone must be a wonderful feeling. “How old is Jax?” he asked.
The sadness in Tierney’s eyes as she gazed down at Jax made Thaniel suck in a breath. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked—” he said, but Tierney gave him a chagrinned look.
“It’s all right. He’s ten months older than Sami and me.”
She caressed Jax’s face, bringing back Thaniel’s memory of her gently running her hand through his hair after his nightmare and how good it had felt.
“We used to play in the foil forest right outside our village,” she said and Thaniel wondered if he’d heard right, but she just went on. “That’s where we were on our seventh birthday, when—” she paused, and while she continued to stare at Jax, Thaniel could see tears fill her eyes.
“What happened?” he whispered, pulse beginning to race. He had the feeling whatever it was, it wasn’t going to be good.
Tierney swallowed. “That’s when the Ilyium swept through our village.” She sniffed back the tears and gazed down at Jax again. “They killed everyone inside, our moms—” She shook her head and didn’t say anything more and while he wondered how her dad had survived, he didn’t have the heart to ask.
She looked over at him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to get all maudlin on you.”
Thaniel blinked. “It’s all right. I … I’m really sorry that happened,” he said softly, feeling inadequate in the face of her pain.
“Thank you, Thaniel. And I’m sorry we didn’t find Real,” she added, and he could feel that she meant it.
After searching for Real, Toren, and Tierney’s dad that day at the compound and only finding Mark, he’d suspected he’d never see his friend again, but it was still hard to let go of the hope. “I like the color of the sky right before the sun goes down and I like that pistachio ice cream,” he finally said to lighten the mood.
Tierney shot him a smile. “I like that one, too.”
“I had another friend once, besides Real,” he added quietly.
Chapter Twenty-One
Friends Leave
THANIEL TOOK A DEEP BREATH, remembering someone he hadn’t thought about in a very long time. He’d buried the memories deep inside where they couldn’t hurt him.
“What was your friend’s name?” Tierney asked.
“Clary. I was four and it was just after we moved to a really small apartment, after—” He didn’t know what made him tell her, but once the first words left his mouth, everything else just came out. “It was after my dad left us.” The pain of losing his dad and his friend rose up to almost smother him, but he kept talking, now unable to stop.
“Clary was ten. She had pretty, curly brown hair … and her eyes, they were brown and kind.” Like yours, he wanted to add but didn’t. Pain bit deep as he remembered how, even at such a young age, Clary tried to take care of him. “I used to wait for her outside in the hallway before she went to school. She’d give me her lunch.” He paused as the memories took him back in time.
“Did you eat today?” Clary always asked and Thaniel would shake his head. “Why doesn’t your mother feed you?” Then, with a sigh and without waiting for an answer, she’d hand him her lunch. “Here, take this. I don’t need it,” she’d say.
“I would wait for her after school as well, and sometimes we’d sit and talk.” Thaniel paused again. “She talked, I mostly just listened.”
He lived for those moments, having a friend to talk to, and he loved listening to her stories even though they were nothing special, just about school and the other kids. Sometimes she’d talk about her mother and he’d wonder what happened to her, but Clary said she had died. It was odd, but for some reason, his own mother didn’t mind him sitting with Clary, as long as he didn’t stray away from the door.
“So, you were quiet even back then,” Tierney said now, drawing him out of the past.
Thaniel nodded.
“What happened?” Tierney asked, eyes sad as she looked at him.
Thaniel lowered his gaze to where his hands lay on the purple bed cover. “We were going to run away together, but she left me before we could go.”
He’d never forget his and Clary’s last conversation.
“I gotta go, Thaniel,” she whispered as they sat in the hallway with their backs to the grungy wall.
“Where?” he asked. She’d just come from school.
“I gotta run away,” she told him.
“Why? I don’t want you to go,” he told her, panic beginning to grow inside of him. She couldn’t leave him alone with his mother.
“I have to, my daddy—” Clary stared straight ahead, her face drawn and pinched. As tears trickled down his four-year-old face, Clary had put her arm around his shoulders. She knew how badly his mother beat him, just like he often heard her crying through the paper-thin walls. “You wanna come with me?” she had asked and Thaniel nodded. He didn’t care where they went as long as he was with her.
“That was the last time I saw her. I thought she left me, ran away without me, but––” He swallowed deeply, holding his emotions at bay as the memories tore at his heart.
“But she didn’t,” Tierney said and Thaniel closed his eyes for a second and shook his head.
“No. Well, I don't really know, but a few days later the police showed up. They dragged her daddy away in handcuffs.”
“Oh shit, Thaniel. I am so sorry,” Tierney said.
Thaniel lowered his face, letting his hair fall back in place. He wished he could crawl over and curl up in her arms. He was pretty sure she wouldn’t have pushed him away, but still couldn’t take that next step. Tierney already owned a part of his heart and he needed to fortify the other part against her, because if he didn’t, he’d be lost. Lost to someone he could never have, who was in love with the other person who held a portion of his heart.
It was at that point that a truth he’d learned a long time ago was reinforced. He was alone and always would be.
“Thaniel?”
He peered up at Tierney.
“I know it must’ve been hard for you, but thank you for protecting my dad against those men tonight,” she said, staring intently at him.
Thaniel blinked. He knew she wouldn’t be mad about him protecting her dad, but he’d been terrified of how she’d feel about the men he killed—of her witnessing just how dangerous he really was.
“I lost control out there. My leopard took over,” he said quietly, terrified of hurting someone unintentionally.
“Thaniel, you did what you had to do to keep my dad and yourself safe, and for that I am eternally grateful.” She paused and studied him. “I know you think you’re a monster, but you aren’t. I’m not scared of your leopard and you shouldn’t be either. He’s smart. He knows who the real monsters are and I don’t think you need to fear him.”
Thaniel thought about what she said. Could that be true? Then he thought of another recent conversation. “Kyrian said something similar,” he admitted.
Tierney gave him a soft smile and nodded. “I know it will be hard to do, but I think once you accept that side of yourself and stop fearing it, it will become much easier.”
Thaniel prayed it was true, but was scared to believe. Still, like she said, learning to trust that other side of himself was not going to be easy and learning to put the fear away, even harder.
***
They all waited on pins and needles while Jax and Tierney’s dad lay unconscious.
“Please wake up,” Thaniel found himself muttering as he watched Jax. He didn’t like how ragged Tierney was looking and instinctively knew that she needed Jax.
It was a couple days before his wish came true and Jax’s eyes fluttered open. Although happy, Thaniel couldn’t help the twinge of sorrow that rushed through him at the sudden insight that things would be changing once again.
Still not quite understanding why he felt the way he did about Tierney and Jax, Thaniel climbed off the bed and left the room. He wanted to give Tierney, Jax, and Sami, who just entered the room, some privacy.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Nostalgia
THANIEL WANDERED outside onto the balcony, suddenly lonely and without a purpose. He sat for a long while looking out over the lake, before making his way down the stairs and around to the front of the house. Although his senses were screaming that he wasn’t alone, he knew the wolves here wouldn’t hurt him. Then he turned the corner and came face to face with Kyrian. He stopped, suddenly nervous once more.
“Hello, Thani
el.”
He peeked up at Kyrian for a moment before lowering his gaze. “Hi, ah—” He wanted to say he was sorry they hadn’t found Kyrian’s missing son yet, but wasn’t sure if he should bring it up.
“I heard you helped protect Tierney’s father,” Kyrian said, ignoring Thaniel’s unease and talking to him like a friend. Still, Thaniel shifted uncomfortably under his gaze and shrugged. He only did what he had to do.
“I just wanted to say good job, and ask if your shift was any easier.” Kyrian said.
Thaniel nodded. “Yes, it was, thank you. It hardly hurt at all, and it was so fast, so easy—” He stopped talking, aware that he’d been rambling.
Kyrian just smiled. “I’m glad. If there is anything else I can help you with, you just ask, all right?”
Thaniel nodded and watched the tall male walk away a few feet before shifting into his wolf. He let out a gasp of surprise. Kyrian in wolf form was beautiful. His silvery-white coat had bluish-gray streaks mixed throughout, and was long and silky. He heard Kyrian snort before he disappeared into the forest, though Thaniel figured he hadn’t gone far.
Finding himself back in the great room, he sat down and picked up the remote and pressed the power button. Tierney, Sami, and Jax all liked to watch certain TV shows, but having never watched much in the past, it didn’t interest him. Still, with nothing better to do, Thaniel found himself flipping through the channels.
He stopped at a cooking show and a sudden wave of nostalgia swept over him. He listened to the jokes, the tips, and couldn’t pull his eyes away as the man cooked up a meal that had Thaniel’s mouth watering. Soon, long forgotten memories swamped him. Poignant memories that reminded him of good times long ago.
His daddy used to be so loving and fun. He’d play with Thaniel. Toss a ball with him, teaching him to swing a bat and how to catch the ball. He taught him how to fish, laughing when Thaniel caught an old shoe. Daddy would play board games along with other games like hide and seek, and often carried Thaniel around on his shoulders.
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