by Apryl Baker
If Dad hadn’t been here, I’m not sure what might have happened. He rushed her out about the time Mattie broke free of Eli’s grasp. It’s the only time any of the rest of them have seen her move. When the others aren’t here, she talks to me, whispers to me. I can feel her breath tickle my ear when she does that. Like right now, I can feel her pressed against my side. I just wish I knew how to let her know I’m here, that I can feel her, hear her pleas.
She hiccups and buries her face into my chest. I feel the wetness of her tears soak my shirt. Her pain and grief cut straight through me. I feel it all. I have a direct link to her feelings. Her guilt, her pain, her anger, her fear…it settles in my chest.
The only thing I want to do is tell her it’ll be okay, to touch her, to let her know she’s not alone.
“Hey, sweetheart, you shouldn’t be there. The nurse will have a fit.” Eli sets the food he’s brought up on the small table in the room. “How about a shower, hmm? Do you really think Dan’s appreciating the smell right about now?” He pulls her up and guides her towards the bathroom. “Mary brought you some fresh clothes and your shampoo.”
Mattie glances back at the bed, at me, panic on her face.
“Shhh, I’ll sit with him, get cleaned up. When you’re done, you can eat the burger I brought you. If you collapse from lack of food, it’s not going to do Dan a bit of good. Now go on.” He pushes her into the bathroom and closes the door.
When he falls into the chair by the bed, I move a little to the side. My brother looks haggard, worn, and tired. Mattie is scaring him. She’s scaring me, too. I wish I could tell him how worried I am about her.
“I don’t know if you can hear me or not,” Eli whispers, staring at my body lying on the bed. “I hope you can. I wanted to tell you I was sorry. I shouldn’t have turned in your mom like I did. It was wrong. You need to know I’m sorry, that I regret it.”
He sighs and leans forward, his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands. “I know I’ve been an ass, but that’s me. I want you to wake up, man. I need you to. You’re my brother and that means something to me.”
He brushes a tear out of his eyes and I swallow. I didn’t expect tears from him. Ava’s already broken down and pleaded with me. Eli, though? His caring is a surprise. It unnerves me. I reach out, but stop. I can’t touch him.
“Wake up so I can try to make it up to you. Wake up so I can be your brother. I miss you calling me little brother, ya know? I loved that you did that, that you tried despite what I did to your family. You were trying and I wasn’t. I promise I’ll try, Dan. I swear to God, I’ll try if you just wake up. Please.”
I take a deep breath, this is hard listen to.
“She needs you, more than she needs me, really. You’re everything to her. If you die, I’m afraid of what might happen to her. She’ll never be the same if she loses you. You gotta wake up, if not for me and the rest of your family, then wake up for her. Wake up for Mattie.”
I’m trying! I just don’t know what else to do.
“We’ll all try.” Caleb grips Eli’s shoulder. I hadn’t seen him in come in.
“He can’t die without knowing how sorry I am,” Eli whispers. “I’m so sorry.”
“I think Dan knows that,” Caleb says. “He would have done it himself eventually, so I know deep down, he forgave you for it.”
“The doctor was here while you and Ava were in the waiting room.” Eli takes a shuddering breath. “His brain activity is getting worse. He’s dying and they can’t stop it. This is going to kill her.”
I am close to death. I can feel its pull getting stronger and stronger every minute. The only thing that keeps me rooted here is Mattie.
“Miracles happen every day, Eli.” Caleb sits down in the other chair. “We just need to have faith…”
“Faith?” Eli growls, furious. “Faith in what, exactly? That a demon got close enough to murder our brother? Faith that he’d be okay despite what happened to him? Faith in some Divine entity that he’ll swoop in at the last minute and save him?”
“Yeah, Eli, faith in all that.” Caleb’s voice is calm and reassuring.
“You sit there and have as much faith as you want,” Eli says after a while. “He’s not getting better, only worse. If he doesn’t wake up soon…”
“He’s not getting better?”
Meg is standing in the doorway. Her blonde hair is pulled up into a messy bun and she’s wearing jogging pants and my favorite tee shirt. Her blue eyes are wild and haunted with grief. My heart breaks just a little more watching her.
“No,” Caleb answers. “He’s not. Do you want a few minutes alone?”
“Where’s Mattie?” she asks, coming over to stand by my bedside.
“Shower,” Eli jerks his head in that general direction. “Caleb and I’ll be right outside so I’ll hear when the shower stops.”
Meg nods and when my brothers leave, she leans down and kisses me. Like Mattie, she curls up in the bed with me. Her hands stroke my chest. I can feel every movement, every breath.
“Your dad called and said I might want to come down tonight,” she says, her voice soft and heartbroken. “They’re all giving up on you, Dan, but I’m not. I won’t give up on you. I know you’re in there somewhere, listening to me. You have to fight, you have to come back to me and to Mattie. We both need you so much. Please, Dan, please come back to us.”
I close my eyes, her grief washing over me. I reach out and try to touch her, but my hands go right through her. Frustrated, I start to pace, listening to her cry.
Why can’t I wake up?
“He loves you.”
Mattie is standing a few feet from the bed. Her hair is dripping wet, the pajamas Mary brought clings to her damp skin. Her eyes are darker, the hazel almost black.
“He loves you, too,” Meg whispers.
“I told him if he’d wake up, I’d forgive you, even be nice to you.”
“I’m so sorry, Mattie,” Meg’s voice is hoarse. “I never meant to hurt you. Dan and I were trying to figure out how to tell you about us, but it got away from us. I wish you’d forgive me. You forgave Dan, so do you think maybe you can forgive me, too? I miss you.”
I hold my breath as I wait for Mattie to say something, anything, but she doesn’t. Instead she walks over to the other side of the bed and pushes me just a little more towards Meg so she has room to climb in. I look at myself, surrounded by the two people I love most in the world. One owns my love, the other my heart.
“I miss you, too,” Mattie mutters so softly I almost miss it. “You lied to me, Megan. It’s hard for me to get past that. I have…issues, and trust is a big part of those issues. I just need some time, okay?”
“I can do that,” Meg says. “I’m here when you’re ready.”
Eli peeks in, his face panicked when he realizes Mattie is out of the shower, but then he stops when he spots both girls. He shakes his head once and walks back out, muttering about how girls will never make sense to him.
“Dan’s dad called,” Meg says hesitantly. “The doctors…”
“The doctors don’t know everything,” Mattie cuts her off. “He’s not dying. I don’t care what those tests say. He’s not dying. I won’t let him.”
“I’m not giving up on him, either,” Megan says, her voice firm. “We just have to make sure he knows we’re here, that we’re fighting for him.”
“He knows,” Mattie whispers.
They stay like that for the longest time, falling asleep. Eli covers them both with a blanket. He sits by my bed, his hand reaching out to grasp mine. “I’m not giving up on you either, man. I swear.”
He hangs his head for a long time and when he looks up, there are tears in his eyes. His other hand is clenched tight around something. When he opens it, I see a small cross in his palm. It’s plain and simple. He holds onto it like a lifeline.
“God, I don’t know if you’re there or not. I ain’t seen anything to prove you’re there, but Mattie believes in you. I need yo
u to be real right now, too. Don’t let him die. We just found him. I have to have a chance to make up my screw ups to him. He’s my brother and we need him here. So if you’re up there, if you do have any miracles left, we could use one right about now. I know I suck at this and you probably get asked a lot to help those who don’t have faith, but Mattie? She has enough faith for all of us. Give her the miracle if you don’t want to give it to me.”
Of all people, I knew how difficult that was for him to do. He and I shared the common belief of only believing in what you can see and touch. Yet, here he sits, a cross gripped tight in his hand, praying for me.
“Hello, Dan.”
I know that voice. It’s the voice from the light. I turn and see a guy, maybe my age, standing in the doorway. He’s wearing jeans and a black tee shirt. Not what I pictured for a Reaper.
“How did you find me?” I ask him. No one has been able to see me.
“Miracles happen every day.” He smiles. “You have a choice—to go or stay. It really is up to you, but know this. You were supposed to die. Your purpose in this life has been served. You kept her safe until the Guardian Angel found her. Your ordeal gave her the weapon she needed to accomplish her purpose in life. Your job is done, Daniel. If you choose to live, it will alter the course of history for many lives. People will die that shouldn’t have, because of you. This choice decides not just your fate, but the fate of countless others, so take a moment and think about it. Choose wisely.”
My life will cause others to die?
I look down at my girls. My chest tightens at the thought of leaving them. Can I really say good-bye to them?
Who will protect Mattie if I’m not here? She needs me. Eli is her guardian angel, but I’m her protector. I keep her safe, and out of things that will get her into trouble. Eli won’t do that. He’ll go right along with her crazy schemes, jumping in head first without thinking it through. Mattie needs stability, someone to be there for her, to be the grown up. That’s my job and it’s not done yet. I don’t know if it’ll ever be done.
The real question is, would I risk the lives of innocent people for her? Yes.
It’s that simple. Even though it goes against everything I believe in, Mattie is my family. I love her and there’s not a force in the universe that can break that bond. She’s mine.
Reaper boy sighs. “They told me you weren’t selfish.”
“When it comes to her, I guess I am.”
“She’s strong,” he says ruefully. “Almost as strong as I am. I didn’t know if I could have fought her off much longer. She was determined to save you, despite her instincts. That’s why she hasn’t moved, hasn’t eaten, barely slept. She wants to save you.”
“We save each other,” I say. “I’d do anything to keep her safe.”
“She’d do the same for you,” the Reaper sighs. “That’s what worries us.”
I glance at him curiously. What does he mean?
“So your choice is to stay?” he asks after a moment.
I nod. “Yes, I want to stay. I just don’t know how to wake up.”
“I can help with that.” He walks to the bed, where the three of us are lying. He places his hand on my forehead and chants. The words are soft, melodic. With each one, I feel a weight lift from me. My body feels light, airy. I feel…something unexplainable. The emotions are too powerful for mere words to describe.
My eyes close at the intensity and when I open them again, he’s gone. Where did the Reaper go and why do I feel so strange?
~~~~ MATTIE ~~~~
I wake up slowly, my eyes heavy. I need to sleep more, but I can’t. I’m worried he’ll die while I sleep. The thought terrifies me. I shift and see Eli sitting in the chair, his eyes locked on his brother. He looks sad. Eli is as scared as I am, he’s just trying not to show it around me.
“Hey, sleepyhead.” He smiles.
I sigh and just snuggle deeper into Dan’s side. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m afraid if I do, then I’ll start crying and it’ll never stop.
“What time is it?” Meg asks, rubbing her eyes.
“Almost midnight,” Eli answers.
“I need to get home.” She sits up and slides off the bed. “Let me call my mom. She dropped me off.”
“I can take you home,” Caleb says from the doorway.
“You don’t mind?” Meg yawns.
Caleb shakes his head. “Eli, Ava’s asleep in the waiting room. Can you sit with her until I get back?”
Eli looks at me and I nod to him. I’ll be fine here by myself.
With a sigh, he pulls himself up. “Yeah, I don’t want her out there by herself, either.”
Once they’re all gone, I relax. I love that they’re here, really I do, but it’s harder with them here, too. I can’t explain why, it just is.
“Am I wrong to try and keep you here?” I whisper, saying out loud what’s been bothering me for days. I know that keeping him here if he was supposed to die is wrong. It will upset the balance, but am I willing to do that? Am I willing to let others die so that my Dan will live?
The answer is yes.
But the next question is harder to answer. Would Dan want that? I’m not so sure he would. Dan’s got the biggest heart I know and he’s constantly sacrificing to make others happy, and does the right thing. Would he want to die if that’s the right thing to do?
I think maybe he would.
Am I so selfish I’d take that choice away from him?
I am.
But I promised myself that I’d never be selfish with him, no matter what it cost me.
I prop myself up and look at all the equipment hooked to him. The monitor that tracks his brain activity shows just how much it’s decreased.
Today is the third day, his last day. The Reaper in me knows this.
Can I say good-bye to him? Maybe I have to, but it’s so hard.
It hurts.
Tears slide down my face and onto his.
“I don’t want you to go, but if you have to…” I take a deep and shuddering breath, “but if you have to go, if it’s what you want, then okay. I’ll accept it. I don’t know if you can hear me, but it’s okay, Dan. It’s okay. I’ll be okay. Promise.”
~~~~ DAN ~~~~
Her tears make wet paths down my cheeks. She’s fought so hard, so long. She never gave up on me. She’s not giving up on me. She’s just telling me what she thinks I need to hear. She’s being brave for me. The bravest girl I know is killing a part of herself to help me. And she’s doing it because she loves me.
“I’m going to sing to you, Officer Dan. Don’t laugh. It’s a song I’ve been playing over and over in my head the last few days. If you’re going to wake up, you need to do it soon and if you’re going to leave, then I want you to drift off listening to the sound of my voice. I want you to know you’re not alone, I’m right here with you and I won’t leave you. I swear it. I’ll never leave as long as you’re here with me.”
When Mattie begins to sing, it’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. She can sing. Her voice is soft, sweet, and clear. It cuts into me. She’s singing that song Say Something. We watched Christina Aguilera and that other guy sing it on The Voice. I remember thinking how beautiful it was, but hearing Mattie sing it right now, I’m floored. The emotion in her voice is begging me to wake up, but at the same time, she’s saying good-bye.
I can feel the light at my back. I know the doorway is open. There is joy in that light. I’d caught glimpses of other things as well. I’d seen the path to The Between, and the pool of water that led to a very dark place. The light is full of warmth and love, but it’s so much more than that. It opens for us all, but the path we end up taking once we’re in there…that’s entirely different.
Do I want to go? I know I’d told the Reaper no, but he’s giving me the same choice again now that Mattie said it’s okay for me to go. I turn and look into the glory that is the light. I could have peace and joy for eternity within that light, but I can’t sha
ke her voice. The pain in it overwhelms everything. It forces me to turn and look at her.
She’s sitting up, her tears splashing onto my face, my chest. I feel each one with the force of a bullet tearing through my flesh. She has a hold on my heart not even that beautiful light can break. I can’t leave her. I can’t break my promise to her. I told her I was in it for the long haul and I meant it.
Her voice cracks as a sob breaks free, but she doesn’t stop singing. She’s determined. I take a step towards her and then another. With each step I take, my body becomes lighter, more like the air around me. When I’m standing right behind her, my hand comes up to lie on her cheek. She sobs harder. Maybe she feels it, I don’t know.
“I’m here,” I whisper in her ear like she’s done so many times for me. “I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. I swear it.”
“Dan?” she whispers and looks around.
I am nothing but light, air, the shadows around her. I focus on her face, on the hope in her voice, and then I’m falling.
~~~~ MATTIE ~~~~
I know I heard his voice. I felt him. Did he leave? Is he gone?
My body starts to shake and sobs consume me. Oh, God, is he gone?
“Shhh.”
I glance down and see his big old puppy dog eyes watching me. Oh, God…
“Don’t cry, Squirt.” His voice is rough, and slow. “I’m here.”
Tears run rampant down my face and all I can do is stare in wonder at those brown eyes of his. He didn’t leave me.
I fall down on his chest, wrapping him in my arms as best I can, and just cry. He’s murmuring something, but I can’t hear it over the sound of his heart beating against my chest and my own sobs. He’s here with me. He didn’t give up. He’s here.
Eli is the one who pulls me off him. He gives Dan some water and then the nurses and doctors are swarming. They make me leave, but I don’t go farther than outside the door. Eli’s arms wrap around me, holding me up. I turn into him and just cry. I cry like I’ve never cried before in my life. My heart pours out and he’s there, holding me, loving me.
