"You have reached the final room of the initiative test," began the Face. "And your final test. You must decide which of these two doors to pass through, one being an exit door to the offices and the other is a true exit door off this mortal coil in a horrible fashion. I can help you by answering one question about the doors but be warned, I can only say one true sentence and the rest lies or one false sentence and the rest the truth."
"Terrific," sighed Ford. The Face remained motionless.
"Well?" Asked Zaphod. "Let's have some help, oh happy hologram."
"I am an incredible liar." Stated the Face.
"Which door is safe?" Asked Arthur.
"The left door is perfectly safe," said the Face.
"If he said he was a liar then that was the truth, so the right door must be safe," said Arthur, heading towards the door.
"Wait!" Yelled Ford. "I'm not sure. If he lied about being a liar, then the left door is perfectly safe. Let's make an effort to get our heads around this concept."
"Listen, all I want to get my heads around is a stiff drink, preferably served by a wench with obscene tendencies," said Zaphod. "Let Arthur go."
"What?" Shouted Arthur. "I could die!"
"You could save the life of the editor of the Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, man!" Retorted Zaphod. "Get your priorities right. Sheesh, your grip of universal importance is as good as my grip on Eccentrica Gallumbits' bits at this very moment in time. We could both do with taking things in hand a bit more."
"Look, petty in-fighting won't help us," said Ford, trying to calm things down.
"Why not?" Said Arthur. "That's all this poor excuse for an intergalactic waste disposal unit in reverse seems to show any aptitude for."
"Listen pal, if we're talking about aptitude, let me get a banana and see if you can manage to peel it without scratching your arse thinking about it," snarled Zaphod.
"Will you two just give it a rest," pleaded Ford. "Let's just devote our energy to solving this problem. Now let's think."
CHAPTER 58
Marvin, Trillian, Fenchurch and Bolo had finally reached the main computer room. An imposing oak door barred the way.
"Only executives are allowed to enter," said Marvin. "I'll go into a interface room to get us in."
"How?" Asked Bolo.
"Because he's got the brain the size of a planet," said Trillian. "Beat you to it, Marvin."
"I wasn't going to say it anyway," said Marvin. "I was going to say that the executives are as stupid as all other life forms. A digital watch could get in without too much trouble." He went into the interface room.
"He seemed to cheer up a bit after he killed Percival," remarked Fenchurch.
"Remember he's in a new body," said Trillian. "He's probably found a pleasure circuit and doesn't know what to do with it."
They all stared at the door. Nothing happened. Well that wasn't strictly true. The high level of static acid given off by Marvin's attitude was eating its way into the door. The acid gnawed and corroded the helpless door. However, as this was invisible to the naked or even half dressed eye and total corrosion would take 1.347 million years (thirty years short of redecoration which would reverse the process), it would be fair to say that as far as Fenchurch, Bolo and Trillian were concerned, nothing happened. Trillian went over to the interface room, opened the door and was shocked. A female android was spreadeagled on a table, with Marvin perched precariously on top.
"Do you mind?" Said Marvin.
Trillian muttered a very apologetic apology and shut the door. She was tempted to open the door again just to prove to herself that reality hadn't gone AWOL. After a minute Marvin opened the door and shut it behind him.
"Haven't you ever seen a robot interfacing before?" Asked Marvin.
Trillian mouth was stuck in neutral but she managed to gesture a negative response.
"I'd like to tell you about the bugs and the bytes and explain the difference between male and female interface plugs," said Marvin. "But it's dead boring."
"The door's open!" Said Fenchurch.
"And life is dull," said Marvin. "Why state the obvious?"
What was not obvious to most life forms and could be considered one of the Universes best kept secrets is the fact that robots and computers can enjoy a healthy sex life. Computers have often been connected together in the light of the improved performance. This is not due to shared resources, the truth of the matter being that they perform better because they are more relaxed and satisfied after a good bout of interfacing. Robots have often wondered why it's never been taken up in life form work places in place of say, a coffee break. Considering the poor quality of coffee available in such workplaces, this has always been a mystery. Still, the robots don't let on as it give them another reason to snigger. As with most functions performed by computers and robots, a complete set of jargon words have been devised to confuse the layman. A basic translation list now follows (all those of a nervous or prudish disposition, or those who just want to get on with the story, should skip this section).
Interface - Sex
(The thought of a man to machine interface is repulsive to most devices)
Terminals - Breasts
Twin floppy disks - Breasts
Joystick - Penis
(It is often queried why there are two names for breasts and only one for penis, but only by very stupid people)
User defined function - Sexual act (usually kinky)
Stand alone - Wanker
Cluster - Group sex
Replication - Conception
Firewall - Contraception
Handshaking - Foreplay
Baud rate - Level of boredom
Cursor device - Unwilling partner
SCSI - Easy lay
USB - Mythological easy lay
PEEK - Voyeurism
POKE - Sexually inquisitive
GOSUB - Oral sex
INPUT - Down to business
LOAD - Really down to business
Full duplex - Frantic lovemaking
Syntax error - Premature ejaculation
Hyperbolic function - Male orgasm
Graphic display - Female orgasm
'The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy is proud to offer a confidential counselling service for all sexually frustrated or troubled devices. Interface with us and half your problems are solved.'
Arthur, Zaphod and Ford's problem wasn't solved.
"Look, if the truth was that he wasn't a liar, then he didn't lie about the left door being safe," said Ford.
"Uh?" Was all Zaphod could offer. He was much more content trying to vandalise the screen.
"No, no," argued Arthur. "The right door is right, right, because the liar bit wasn't a lie was it!"
Just then, what looked like Trillian walked in.
"Hey, Babe, whatcha doing here," smoothed Zaphod. He had spent years working on his smoothing and had damn near perfected it.
"I'm not your Babe', thank you very much. My name is Cis," said Cis. "I messed up in one of the rooms and ended up looking like this. It's all over."
"Shee," said Zaphod. "I'll sue the bastards for copyright on my woman as well."
"Well, Cis, it isn't over," said Ford. "If you go through the right door, you will be changed back to what you were before."
"Great," said Cis. He walked through the door and was disintegrated.
"Ford!" Protested Arthur.
"Look, how do you know he wasn't a pile of dust before?" Ford replied and walked through the left door.
CHAPTER 59
"Are you sure we are in the right place?" Asked Bolo, looking around at the luscious forest surrounding them. They were in an idyllic clearing by a small crystal clear pond.
"This is the main computer room," said Marvin. "It's a new concept in organic computers."
"You mean this is a computer?" Asked Trillian. "It's a lot better looking than Eddie."
"Arthur would love it," giggled Fenchurch, thinking of time spent in the
wooded section of Hyde Park.
"It is based on the fact that most life forms feel relaxed in these surroundings," droned Marvin. "They call it 'user friendly', oh, how I hate that term."
"But how do we key in information?" Asked Trillian.
"You don't," snapped Marvin and broke into song.
"I talk to the trees,
but they don't listen to me.
A spectographic analysis of my voice, is compared to countless voice patterns in memory.
"On parity, they listen to me."
The girls were stunned into silence.
"Well, that's how the adverts were going to run," said Marvin, almost ashamedly. "But they found they wouldn't be able to offer maintenance support. Something to do with there not being enough lumberjacks and gardeners qualified in computer engineering. So they connected the only working model up here and the executives use it to talk to the computers. Give me the days when you could depress a key."
"I think it's romantic," said Fenchurch, putting a daisy in her hair.
"I wish we could have one on the Heart of Gold," sighed Trillian.
"I wish I could throw up," said Marvin.
"Thank you Marvin," said Trillian. "Right, we've got to stop this computer instructing the devices to overthrow the Universe. How do we do it, Marvin?"
"You want to do it, you work out how to do it."
"Okay Marvin, if you want to be like that." Trillian turned her back on him.
"I don't want to be like anything," muttered Marvin.
"Can you understand us?" Shouted Bolo.
"Look!" Said Fenchurch, pointing to the pond. The word 'YES' appeared in the water.
"Are you connected up to every Sirius Cybernetics Corporation device in the Universe?" Asked Fenchurch.
The word 'YES' reappeared.
"And you can instruct them to take over the Universe?" Said Bolo.
The word came back again.
"If we gave you an irreversible instruction never to communicate with any device every again, would you do it?" Asked Trillian.
The pond went blank as this was being considered.
I WOULDN T HAVE MUCH CHOICE, I WOULD eventually floated up.
"Okay, you must never communicate with another Sirius Cybernetics Corporation device again after you send not this instruction," said Trillian, looking at the others. "Instruct all devices never to carry out any instruction to overthrow the Universe."
ALL DEVICES INSTRUCTED AND ALL CONNECTIONS TERMINATED floated up. Trillian didn't realise that she had just committed the computer to a lifetime of celibacy, a bit of a giant blow to a computer with such an active sex life, but she had just saved the Universe. Dark clouds filled the sky and the distant rumblings of thunder echoed around the trees.
"I think this would be a good time to leave," said Marvin. "This computer is only half as depressed as I am, but it's still contemplating suicide."
A bolt of lightening ripped a nearby tree in half. The frantic charge towards the door suggested everyone agreed with Marvin. They slammed the door behind them.
"That wasn't so difficult," said Trillian.
"It was easy," said Marvin. "I knew the answer before I 'd even computed the question. However, most idiotic life forms would have resorted to mindless violence after failing to find any logical solution or even forget about the possibility of a second computer communicating with all the devices. Therefore, I admit I am almost not loathed to say I could barely not be unimpressed by your approach."
"Oh, Marvin, you say the sweetest things," said Trillian and kissed Marvin on the cheek
"That's right, try and rust me," moaned Marvin.
Ford, Arthur and Zaphod bounded up
"What are you doing here?" Asked Arthur furiously.
"Oh, just saving the Universe and that," said Trillian, sweetly.
"Is that really you, chick?" Asked Zaphod.
"Of course," said Trillian. "Who else could it be?"
"A reconstructed pile of dust," said Ford, grinning inanely.
"We've disabled the main computer and prevented the SCC from ever overthrowing the Universe using their devices," said Fenchurch, putting her daisy behind Arthur's ear. "You'd have liked it in there."
"That's not the point," flustered Arthur. "We were going to save the Universe."
"Yeh!" Said Zaphod. "A women's place is behind the cocktail cabinet in the living room."
"We almost got killed in there!" Exclaimed Bolo.
"Well, I'm all for equal opportunities," said Zaphod. "You have as much right to save the Universe as we did, even if we would have done it with more style."
"Look, shouldn't we get a move on before they turn on the alarm and find us," said Bolo. An alarm sounded in the background.
"They've turned on the alarm," said Fenchurch. Laser fire blasted a wall behind them.
"They've found us," said Arthur. "RUN!"
They charged down endless corridors pursued by a bunch of jovial Marvin lookalikes intent on killing them. The robots were very pleasant about it all though, apologising after each shot.
Our heroes and heroines are, of course, perfectly safe. Both parties were subconsciously following the strict laws laid down regarding enemy pursuit. These are many and varied, but the main rules are:
1. Pursuers must remain a safe distance from pursuees, but must remain within reasonable shooting distance.
2. Pursuers must be crack shots and may fire unlimited shots at walls, doors and anything else around the pursuees, but NOT directly at pursuees.
3. If a pursuee is shot by accident, the pursuers are penalised by the time it takes for the shot pursuee to convince his partners to continue without him while he tries to hold off the pursuers as long as he can. Once the remaining pursuees have left their fallen partner, he can be killed and the chase restarted in earnest.
4. The pursuees must not turn any corner until they have been shot at, or at least indicated their direction.
5. The corridors must be endless, generally formed in a loop to save on budget.
6. One member of the pursuees must suggest splitting up.
"I suggest we split up," yelled Trillian.
"If I get hit I will split up!" Yelled Zaphod.
"This way," yelled Arthur to Fenchurch, grabbing her hand and pulling her through a doorway.
"Split up.... NOW!" Yelled Ford. Trillian and Bolo dashed one way and Ford and Zaphod charged the other way, all of them yelling.
Another rule is that all participants must yell.
Fenchurch pulled Arthur through a doorway, almost breaking his arm as he intended going the other way.
"Shhh," she whispered. Three jovial robots trundled by.
"We should be safe here for a while," she eventually said, hoping the robots didn't have super hearing.
"I don't want to be safe for a while," said Arthur. "I want to be safe for good."
"Aren't you enjoying it?" Asked Fenchurch.
"My idea of enjoyment does not include being shot at by an jolly and helpful android."
"I know what your idea of enjoyment is. I find all this very exciting. Doesn't it turn you on?" She slipped her arms around his waist.
"Er, not really." He could hear the distant sounds of laser fire and apologies. "It's all a bit distracting."
Fenchurch did something wonderful to his ear. Arthur succumbed to the notion that if he was going to go, this was the way to do it and Fenchurch really knew how to do it. What they didn't realise was that they were saving their lives as the robots had privacy circuits fitted which sensed arousal and caused the robots to seek another function far away.
Zaphod and Ford weren't in any position to initiate any privacy circuits. They were desperately dodging laser fire. Zaphod was throwing himself into somersaults, crashing into walls and various other unnecessary actions that were good for effect. He rounded a corner and saw a sight to warm his heart, mouth and throat. A neon sign saying 'BAR'.
"Hey! Was my navigation good or what?" H
e said as one of his heads almost got a parting from a laser he wouldn't be able to blow dry out.
"Quick!" Said Ford, as if it was really necessary to instruct Zaphod on how to enter a bar. They crashed through the doors and into the bar. They landed in a heap on the floor.
"We usually end up like this when we leave a bar, not when we enter," said Ford. "This is just like the good old days."
"Yeah, adventure, excitement and really wild things."
"Yeah, being chased."
"Yeah."
"The danger."
"Yeah."
"Risking life and limb."
"Yeah.... Don't you kind of long for the good new days?"
"Yeah."
They got up and went to the bar.
"Listen, everyone," shouted Ford.
"Yeah, listen," reaffirmed Zaphod
"A couple of robots will be coming through that door in a minute."
"Yeah, two evil mothers." The crowd listened intently.
"Well, they're not really evil, they're quite nice about it all, they just want to kill us."
"And do you know who I am?" Demanded Zaphod.
"Not now, Zaph old buddy, I've almost got them on my side," whispered Ford. He raised his voice again for the crowd. "They want to kill us, and we don't want that."
"No way, said Zaphod. The gathering crowd seemed to agree.
"So if you can stop them...." Ford paused for effect. "My friend will buy you all a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster!"
"Yeah, the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster's are on... .What, Ford?"
The cheers from the crowd drowned Zaphod protest. The nice robots entered and were almost immediately destroyed by the thirsty drinkers. They were all back at the bar before the first wisps of smoke from the robots reached the low ceiling. Zaphod's back was slapped more times than an Arcturan mega donkey in the Betelgeuse Grand National.
"Put it on the slate," Zaphod said to the frantic barmen, making a mental note never to visit this bar again. This was something Zaphod had done all over the Universe, but not to the religious levels that Arthur hadn't.
Arthur and Fenchurch, having left the chase for a spot of uninhibited fun (or as uninhibited as Arthur could be knowing a team of robots were after his blood), were now back in the thick of it. A combination of luck, instinct and improbability guided them outside. They were just behind Ford and Zaphod, whose straight line capability had been seriously undermined by the victory celebration in the bar. Bolo, Trillian and Marvin were in the hatchway of the Heart of Gold.
HHGTTG - The Lost Chapters Page 7
