by Sable Hunter
Pepper reeled from the blow. His words struck her like bullets. “What?”
“We had a good time, Pepper.” He tossed a smile her way. “But, it’s over.”
She didn’t know what else to say. “I see. I’m sorry. I misunderstood.”
Judah swallowed hard, needing to end the matter quickly and deal the final blow. “Yes, you did. I appreciate your family’s friendship and support and I’d do anything for Jimmy Dushku, but getting involved with an unsophisticated Pollyanna is not something I want in my life. Now, could I give you an autograph before you go?”
Pepper didn’t answer right away, she backed out of the room, never taking her gaze from his face. Why did his eyes look so sad when his words were so hard? “I won’t bother you again.”
With her heart shattered in a billion pieces, she fled.
As soon as the door closed, Judah turned and slammed his fist into the wall.
… “Talk to me, Pepper.” Ryder begged as they pulled through the Highlands gate. “You’ve barely said two words since we left the Big Easy.”
“That’s because it wasn’t easy, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. Only losing Mother was worse.” She climbed from the car and pulled her unused bag from the back seat. To think she’d packed that sexy nightgown in hopes she’d be waking up in Judah’s arms. Instead, she was back home, wondering how she could’ve been so wrong. “I thought he felt the same thing I did. I guess I was wrong.”
“I’m so sorry, Pepper.” Ryder followed her sister inside, lowering her voice so they wouldn’t wake anyone up. They’d driven all night and the sun would be coming up soon.
“It’s okay, it’ll be all right.” She stopped to hug Ryder. “Thanks for going with me. I’ll be fine soon, I just need to rest.”
“All right, honey. I’m going to sleep a bit too, call me if you need anything.”
Pepper kissed her sister on the cheek and fled to her room. As soon as the door was closed, she threw herself on the bed and cried.
* * *
Almost a troubled filled year later…
“What are you doing?” Ryder asked, taking a seat at the dining table next to her sister. They were the only ones in the house. The men were out working the ranch and Cato and Molly were shopping for new curtains. The television was turned down low and a big pot of gumbo simmered on the stove.
“I’m putting these newest pictures in our family album. See?” Pepper swung the photo album around for her to examine. “I have wedding pictures from Heath and Cato’s wedding and from Molly and Tennessee’s second wedding. I also have one of the family the day that Philip was exonerated from the murder charges.”
“And this one is of Jaxson riding his new stallion.” Ryder admired the photo of her brother. “He looks great, no one would ever know he wore a prosthesis.”
“And look at all these photos of our new family.” Pepper turned the page. “Here’s Libby and the babies and here’s one of Joseph and Cady with their daughter, Angel.”
“Yes, and here’s Jacob and Jessie with little B.T.” Ryder smiled. “I really like this one of the whole family. Nathan is going to look just like Aron when he grows up.”
“Yes, he is. We’re a handsome family.” She patted the album. “Look at this one of Daddy and Olivia.” They both studied their daddy’s face. “He’s finally looking stronger and Olivia has a lot to do with that. I know he still misses Mama, but I’m glad he’s found someone to love.”
Someone to love.
They both sobered and their smiles faded.
“Gideon and Samson haven’t given up, have they?”
Ryder shook her head. “No, I don’t think so. They’ve abided by my wishes that we just be friends, but every time I see them, every time they look at me…I can feel their desire.”
“I know what you mean,” Pepper whispered. “I may be crazy, but I think Judah still has feelings for me. I’ve seen him twice in the last few months and the look in his eyes just breaks my heart. I may be crazy, but I would swear he’s still writing songs for me.”
“I know.” Ryder covered her hand and squeezed it. “I listen to the lyrics. He always sings about a Penelope or an Elizabeth, or a girl with long blonde hair and sea blue eyes.”
A tear ran down Pepper’s cheek. “I don’t understand what happened, he was so cold the last time we talked. Nothing makes sense. If it did, I think I could move on.”
All of a sudden Ryder slapped the table and pointed to the television. “Look!”
Pepper turned to see what was the matter and when she did, she gasped. A celebrity gossip show was playing and the headline running across the bottom of the screen read: Rock Star Judah James to marry singer Ivana Paul. Above the announcement was a photo of them on stage singing together, his arm around her shoulders, a big smile on her face.
“No. No, it can’t be true!” Pepper stood to her feet and walked to the television, reaching out to touch the image of Judah’s face.
“What are you going to do?” Ryder asked, knowing full well that Pepper’s heart was breaking.
“I need to talk to him. I don’t intend to stand by while Judah makes the biggest mistake of his life. He’s marrying Ivana Paul for all the wrong reasons, he can’t love her, he just can’t. He loves me!”
* * *
“Are you going to let Ivana get away with this?” Zion asked, furious. “She’s blackmailing you.”
Judah threw a wadded napkin across the hotel room. “She’s a troublemaker. She came in my room looking for drugs. I didn’t have any coke, but she found my meds and my journal. Hell, she rifled through all my stuff. I don’t know what she might’ve stolen. After reading my journal, she’s threatening to expose me.”
“But marry her?” Zion looked disgusted. “I think you’d do better just to be honest with the world. You are beloved. You’re up for three Grammys this year. You could make a difference in other people’s lives if they knew the truth.”
Judah hung his head. “I’m not so sure about that. There are days when I think I’m better and days when I’m sure that I’ve lost it completely. Do you know what my mother asked me?”
Zion came to sit next to Judah on the settee. “What? I know she hasn’t been feeling well.”
“No, she hasn’t. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months back. I can’t do anything to upset her, she’s too fragile. She asked me if I was getting enough sleep. Mother worries herself to death if I’m eating right, if I’m resting, if I’m happy… I can’t risk it. I don’t want the people I love to know the truth.” Especially Pepper. “Can you imagine how Mother would worry if she knew I was certifiable?”
“Stop.”
Judah laughed. “Oh, no, I have it on good authority.” He leaned forward resting his forearms on his knees. “You know, the sad thing is that when the meds rid me of my visions, they also rid me of the music.”
Zion stiffened and glared at Judah. “Are you holding back on your meds?”
Irritation flared in Judah. “Don’t judge me, Chastain. You know how important my music is to me. When I can’t write, when I can’t pull the stories out of my head, I feel less than useless. I’ll never be able to sing someone else’s songs. If you think I’m insane now, you can’t imagine how I’d be if the music stopped.”
Zion shook his head, not knowing what to say to make it better. “I don’t have the answers, I just want you to feel as well as you possibly can. You’re my friend, my best friend.”
“Yes, I am.” Judah placed a hand on Zion’s arm. “I wouldn’t want to face all this without you. I’ll never get over giving up, Pepper. If I lost you too, I don’t know what I’d do.”
“You won’t lose me, I’m not going anywhere,” Zion assured him. “Now, what are we going to do about this marriage?”
Judah waved a hand. “It damn sure wasn’t my idea, but it’s all for show. I don’t want my secret to get out, but I’d never marry that pit viper to stop it. Mickey is having a lawyer w
rite up an arrangement, a contract. Basically, I’m providing cover for her lesbian lifestyle in exchange for her keeping my secret.”
“Bitch,” Zion muttered under his breath.
“Yea, bitch is right,” Judah agreed.
CHAPTER SIX
The drive from Lake Buchanan to Austin was fraught with emotion and laughter. Pepper was determined to confront Judah. Her heart was on the line. If she didn’t stop Judah from marrying that Hollywood bimbo, any hope to win the love of her life was over. She planned on asking Judah one more time whether he cared anything for her or not.
“You’re going to break your neck, Ryder.” They were passing the Duke’s home, Falconhead Manor, and her sister was turned around and staring backwards as if she’d left something precious behind her.
“Do you want to stop and check on them, Ryder?” Molly asked as she browsed through the Sirius stations on Pepper’s radio.
Ryder jumped at being caught. “I wasn’t thinking about the Dukes at all. I was watching an eagle sail over the trees. She has a nest nearby.”
“They’re not home, anyway.” Pepper piped up.
“Who?” Molly asked.
“The Dukes,” Pepper said, then pressed her lips together. Oops.
“How do you know?” Ryder asked, a hint of suspicion in her voice.
“Oh, uh,” Pepper hemmed and hawed. “I saw a report on one of those gossip shows this morning. They’re in France.” She stayed focused on the road. If she said too much, she’d end up confessing how she’d talked to Samson Duke for a good half hour before they left home, telling him Ryder would be at the concert and if they wanted to see her, tonight would be a good opportunity. The big man had thanked her and told her they would fly in immediately, that nothing was more important to them than another chance with Ryder. She smiled sadly to herself. She’d give anything in the world for Judah James to feel about her the way the Duke brothers felt about her sister.
When they arrived in Austin, Samson texted that they were back in the States and on their way. She messaged that they had arrived also and everything was on schedule. Now, if things would only go as smoothly with Judah.
* * *
Since they were late buying tickets, their seating at the filming of Austin City Limits wasn’t the best. Pepper was grateful for the distance. This would be the first time that she’d attended one of his performances without Judah knowing she was there.
Once they found their seats, Molly eased her tired body down to rest. “Wow, climbing to the nosebleed seats is a little more exercise than I’m used to. I hope this baby doesn’t decide to come while we’re here.”
“Don’t even think that,” Ryder chided her. “If your water breaks, I’ll be standing on my seat, shouting ‘is there a doctor in the house?’.
Almost as soon as they were settled, the houselights went down and the show began. Ivana Paul came prancing out on stage in a skimpy costume to sing her hit-single. The crowd appreciated her, Pepper had to admit, but there wasn’t the near-hysterical fervor in response to her music as there was to Judah and Shiloh’s.
“Is that the slut?” Cato asked, very loudly. A few people turned around to glare at her.
Ryder tried to shush her and Pepper giggled. Leave it to Cato to say what the rest of them were only thinking. “Yes, that’s her.” Pepper leaned forward so her sister-in-law could read her lips.
“She’s not nearly as pretty as you are,” Cato continued to their amusement. “If he chose her over you, he’s crazy.”
Molly put her finger to her lips, trying to shush Heath’s exuberant wife.
As Ivana sang, Pepper experienced conflicting emotions. The woman was a great singer and she was pretty in a Katy Perry sort of way. Her short, sleek hair was streaked pink and the way she dressed left no doubt in anyone’s mind that she had a fantastic body. Lithe. Toned. Athletic. Pepper felt like a plump ball of fluff in comparison. She picked up a lock of her own hair. Compared to Ivana’s, Pepper felt hers was unkempt and almost colorless. She’d never really had it styled, only trimmed. It hung in curly waves to her hips.
As the female singer belted out one number after another, Pepper watched her with a sad fascination. She kept having flashes of an imagined scene of Judah kissing Ivana, making love to her. Her heart ached with painful jealousy. Could he possibly love her? How could a man make Pepper feel so special, so cherished, then turn to someone else?
“She’s pretty good,” Ryder whispered to Pepper, “I hate her anyway.”
Pepper nodded, giving her sister a smile that soon faded – for with a drum roll and a flash of light, Judah came on stage to finish the number with his…fiancé. Pepper doubled over in pain, just seeing them together hurt more than she could bear.
She kept her head down and her eyes closed until Molly nudged her. “She’s gone offstage, you can look up now.”
Pepper felt embarrassed that her family was seeing her in such a vulnerable state. “I’m making a fool out of myself, aren’t I?”
“Remember what I just went through with your brother. We women will put up with a lot from the man we love.”
Nodding, Pepper acknowledged that her sister-in-law was right. She knew Tennessee had jumped to conclusions and accused his wife of being unfaithful, when she’d been as much a victim as he had been. Her circumstances with Judah weren’t the same. She didn’t really understand what had happened to break them up, that was the main reason she was here today. If she’d been just a dalliance, a momentary distraction – if it had been just sex for him, with no tender feelings at all – she needed to know.
Gradually, as the warm wonder of his voice filled the auditorium, she fell under his spell. For a few precious moments, Pepper put aside all the sorrow and hurt of their break-up and let the beautiful words and melody envelop her. He sang of love, of two halves of one soul finding one another. As always, it seemed to her that his words were meant for her and only for her. With a pang of doubt, she realized that Judah James probably made every woman feel like that. But…the words he used, my blonde, blue-eyed beauty, the love of my life, and my Rapunzel who lets down her hair just for me – those words tortured Pepper with the possibility that there was some hidden message there, intended just for her.
“Oh, God,” she muttered, covering her eyes, “I think I’m losing it.”
“No, you’re not, I hear it too,” Ryder whispered. “He’s singing for you.” Pepper hugged herself hard, she felt like if she didn’t, her soul would leave her body and go to Judah. She longed for him that much.
When the last song was sung, and the crowd went wild, Pepper still sat there, almost paralyzed with emotion. She didn’t go down to try and attract his attention, like so many others. Instead, she waited until the crowd dissipated. Knowing the musician’s habits of lingering backstage for a celebratory drink, she led her group to the closed off area. Luckily, one of Shiloh’s roadies recognized her and allowed them entrance.
As the quartet of women made their way to the dressing rooms, they passed a number of well-known celebrities. Drinks were being passed out and the mood was jovial and celebratory.
“We’ll wait here.” Ryder pointed to a dimly lit lounge. Pepper nodded to her and her sisters-in-law, then made her way to find Judah.
…Inside his dressing room, Judah climbed from the shower and grabbed his clothes. All he wanted to do was get out of here and go home. The filming had gone well, he hadn’t experienced any episodes. Oddly enough, he never did when he was performing. Even without medication, music seemed to provide a cocoon of safety for him. The only other time he felt completely at peace from the voices was with Pepper. She occupied his attention so fully that whatever source created the hallucinations was subdued. “Fuck my life,” he muttered as thoughts of Pepper ran through his head. It was always like this when he sang, every song reminded him of her. Even the songs he’d composed before they met, seemed to have been inspired by the dream of her. Leaning on the dressing room makeup station, he stared at hi
mself in the mirror. Would he ever be free of the pain? Closing his eyes, he let himself relive loving her. He moaned as his body remembered the joy of claiming her, how she clung to him, how she returned his kisses. Judah was very afraid that he’d never be rid of the memory and even more afraid he’d forget. She was his once-in-a-lifetime love, no one would ever replace her.
Tap. Tap.
“Judah, visitor!”
“Ah, hell.” If it was Ivana, he didn’t think he’d be able to stomach it. And, the way he felt, anyone else would just be a nuisance. “Who is it?”
“She says her name is Pepper McCoy.”
Twin sensations of euphoric joy and crippling regret hit him simultaneously. What was she doing here? Didn’t she have a clue that seeing her was the sweetest torture? Why had she come? Hadn’t he made it clear they were no more? Didn’t she understand what he was sacrificing to save her? From him.
Of course, she didn’t. He couldn’t be honest. Pepper wouldn’t run from him, she’d stay…until she regretted it. Until she hated him. Or pitied him. He didn’t know which was worse, but he knew he couldn’t survive any of it.
Tap. Tap.
“Mr. James? Do you want me to send her away?”
Outside the door, Pepper waited. Her heart was beating so fast, she thought she might pass out. He wasn’t going to see her. She hadn’t anticipated this. “Judah!” she called.
“Come away, Miss, he doesn’t want to see you.”
Pepper was about to allow herself to be led away when the door opened – and he stood there. A wave of awareness arced between them, Pepper felt a powerful drawing from his body to hers. She took a step closer, only to be stopped by whoever was guarding his door.
