by R. R. Banks
“Is it enough?” Tessie asked.
I started on one shoulder and counted the kisses. Tessie started on the other and we met in the middle.
“You’re short by 7,” I told him. He looked crestfallen, but then an idea popped into my head. “Wait,” I said. I went to the drawer beneath the junk drawer and then back to him. “Open your bag.” I dropped seven chocolate kisses inside. “Two from Christmas, three from Easter, and two from the bank candy bowl. Five different colors in total.”
“You are the best scavenger hunter ever,” Christopher said.
“Is that all you need?” I asked.
“Yep, that’s it. On my way to Red Skelton’s house to show off my collection.”
“Isn’t he dead? Like…really dead?” Tessie asked.
“Not this one. His parents just had a little bit of a variety show fetish.”
“Ah.”
Christopher started scooting toward the door and then turned to look back over his shoulder at me.
“Could you give me a little push?” he asked. “I’m pretty OK once I’m rolling, but it’s the getting started that’s a struggle.”
I looked at Tessie.
“Pour the sauce into a bowl and start dishing up eggs. I’ll be back in just a minute.”
I followed Christopher as he carefully stepped his way down the stairs, keeping my hands held out in front of me just in case he slipped, and I needed to catch him.
“How did you possibly get all the way up there by yourself?” I asked as I grabbed onto his arm and scooped him up from certain disaster when one rollerblade rolled ahead of the other.
“Cautiously,” he said. “It took me almost half an hour. Really cut into my time.”
“Why didn’t you just come through the front door?”
“I was already behind your building, so I thought it would be easier. By the time I got to the second landing, I was pretty much already committed.”
I nodded.
We had gotten to the bottom of the fire escape and he was still alive, which I was going to count as a personal victory, and I eased him along toward the end of the alley behind the house.
“Which direction?” I asked.
He pointed himself and assumed a position that I could only guess was his official rollerblading stance, his back bent forward, his chin up, his arms tucked close to his sides, and his ass pointed back.
“Ready,” he said.
“Got your bag?”
He held it up without looking at me.
“Yep.”
“Alright. Godspeed.”
I gave him a shove and watched as all 240 kiss prints glided away down the sidewalk into the distance. As I walked back toward the apartment, my mind was churning, trying to figure out how I was going to start the conversation I needed to have with Tessie. I had originally planned on telling both her and Christopher at the same time, but I had gone into such a panic just trying to come up with the right words that I decided it might be easier to divide and conquer. I’d take care of telling Tessie first, considering she was much more likely to find some sort of deeply meaningful commentary on the human existence in the whole thing. Then I’d use how that went to reevaluate my approach and tackle telling Christopher later.
Maybe. In all honesty, he might not notice.
When I got back into the apartment I engaged all of the locks and grabbed glasses of juice to add to all of the food that Tessie had transferred into the living room. There were days when I really loved this little apartment, the only one I had ever lived in since leaving my hometown. Then there were days when living in a postage stamp with no dining room or bathtub was a bit of a drag. This was one of those moments. It was hard to have a sophisticated brunch over which you planned to have a serious, potentially life-changing conversation when you were either sitting on the floor to eat off of the coffee table or balancing your plate on your lap on the couch.
I chose the latter, settling onto the couch and looking down toward where Tessie sat on the floor, her plate on the table in front of her. I offered her a glass of juice and she took a swig before setting it onto the glass top of the table. She took up a massive forkful of scrambled eggs and put it in her mouth.
How do I start this conversation? How do I start this conversation? How do I start this conversation?
“I’m thinking about becoming a surrogate.”
Well, shit. That probably wasn’t the best way.
Tessie looked at me with widened eyes and withdrew the fork from her mouth, still laden with eggs. She lowered it to the plate and pushed it a few inches across the table.
“You invited me over to your house for an egg-heavy brunch to announce to me that you are considering being a surrogate?” she asked.
I wriggled uncomfortably and put my plate on the table.
“Yeah, in retrospect that might have been a bit of a distasteful choice.”
Tessie took another sip of juice, the expression on her face telling me that she was trying to process my announcement. I felt that, much like her novel, I should have had a little more of a buildup. Since I didn’t yet have access to the delete button of life, there was no way that I could go back and try to fix how the conversation had gone thus far, so all I could really do was wait and hope that it smoothed itself out.
“What the fuck are you thinking, Rue?”
Nope. Not looking good for me on the smoothing-out front.
“What do you mean?” I asked, trying to sound casual.
“What do I mean?” she asked. “What do I mean? I mean what the fuck are you thinking? You’re just going to go bear some stranger’s spawn?”
“It’s not like it’s someone off the street,” I insisted. “The couple is extensively screened and provide full information to all of the applicants. There are tons of contracts involved and everything. It’s not as shady as you’re making it out to be.”
“I’m not making it out to be shady. I’m making it out to be weird as hell. You’re young, you’ve never had a child of your own, but you want to go through pregnancy for somebody else. What good reason could you possibly have to do that?”
“Grammyma’s house,” I said.
“What?” Tessie said, the horror and anger falling out of her voice. “What do you mean?”
“Grammyma’s house,” I said again. “The payments aren’t up to date and if I don’t catch them up soon, they’ll foreclose.”
“When did you find this out?” she asked.
Tears were forming in the corners of my eyes, but I didn’t want to acknowledge them. I tried to shake my head to convince them to go away, but this only seemed to encourage them, and they filled my eyes faster.
“When I went down there to finish settling up Daddy’s estate. I thought that everything was fine, you know?” I looked at Tessie and tried to offer a smile, but could only manage a weak trembling of my bottom lip. “I thought that he was taking care of the house and making sure that everything was fine. I thought that he was doing everything that he promised her that he was going to do.”
I was starting to feel angry, and I couldn’t let myself do that. I couldn’t let myself feel angry at him. His death was still so recent, and it still cut deeply into my heart every time that I thought about him. No matter how much it hurt, I didn’t want to start covering up those feelings with anger or blame. I knew that the longer I did that, the more those feelings would overshadow the wonderful memories I had of him, and I couldn’t let that happen.
“What happened?” Tessie asked.
“It’s really my fault,” I said. “It really is. I shouldn’t have put everything off like I did.”
“It was just too hard for you.”
I nodded, wiping at my eyes.
“But I should have done it. It was my responsibility. I don’t know why I would think that he paid off that loan. When I got down there the lawyer told me that the payments were behind. I was able to scrounge up enough to pay a couple of months, but I didn’t have much. T
hat’s not all, though. The house itself was in pretty bad condition. The grounds were grown up. The vegetable garden was completely gone. The house itself needs a ton of work. And I’m the only one who can do it.”
“Rue, you hadn’t been back there in years.”
“I know.”
“The only times you even saw your dad was when he came here or when he was in the hospital.”
“I know,” I said, feeling guilt start to creep up inside of me as she spoke.
“You always said that when you were younger, the only thing you could ever think about was how you were going to get out of there and start your life in the city. That once you got out of the holler, you weren’t ever going back.”
“Tessie,” I said sharply to stop her, then softened my tone. “I know.”
She turned to me, reaching up to rest one hand on mine.
“Then why are you so worried about saving it?” she asked. “Grammyma’s been gone for a decade. Your daddy’s gone now, too. Don’t you think that it’s time to just go ahead and let it go?”
I shook my head. The holler that she was talking about was Whiskey Hollow, the tiny valley village where I was born and raised, and then got out of as soon as I got accepted into college.
“No,” I said, struggling to regain control over my voice. “No, Tessie. I can’t. That place is all I have left. I don’t have siblings. I don’t even remember my mama. All I had was Grammyma and Daddy. That’s it. As much as I talk about the bad things about it, there really are wonderful things about it. And that house…I grew up in that house. It was my home. It smelled like the cookies that my grandmother made for me and that I was never able to recreate because she put the recipe aside for safekeeping and we never found it before she died. It was where my Daddy let me try to paint my own room and never even made fun of me when I tried to paint it three different colors and add swirls and it essentially ended up brown. It might not seem like much, but the reality is that it’s everything, and I’m the only one left who can save it.”
“How are you going to do it?” Tessie asked.
I drew in a breath.
“I’m moving back there.”
“What?” Tessie asked. “You’re leaving?”
She sounded crestfallen and I couldn’t even look at her or I would start crying again.
“I have to,” I said. “I can’t afford the payments on the house and this apartment, and besides there’s so much work that I need to do there to get the house and the land back in shape. I can’t be in both places at once.”
“I wish that you would have told us this. We could have helped you. I don’t make a ton, but between me and Christopher I’m sure we would have been able to get together enough that you wouldn’t have to rent out your womb.”
I smiled.
“I know,” I said. “And I love you both for that. I know that you would have helped me, but that’s why I didn’t tell you. I need to be able to do this for myself. I owe it to Daddy and Grammyma. They were both able to get through so much without having to lean on other people. It wasn’t until close to the end that Daddy started to really struggle and let things slide. I want to make him proud of me.”
“He is proud of you,” Tessie insisted. “You don’t have to go through this alone. The only reason that they didn’t lean on other people is because they didn’t have any one to lean on. You do. You have me, and you have Christopher. We love you and we want to be here for you.”
I was suddenly feeling like I was part of some sort of intervention.
“I can’t ask you two to stop your lives just to help me out of this,” I said. “Besides, it’s something good that I can do for someone else. You are always doing good for the world. You do the food drive. The pet food drive. Meals on Wheels. Wheels for Meals, that car donation initiative. If it has to do with food and driving, you’re right on top of it.”
“Sometimes food and driving,” Tessie pointed out. “Don’t forget my Christmas program from two years ago.”
“Oh, yes. Ho-Ho-Homeless.”
“It might have gotten me banned from the development and marketing of any new programs, but they really did enjoy the hot meals and egg nog while they rode around looking at the Christmas lights.”
“They did,” I agreed. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. You do all of these amazing things for people, and I really don’t do anything. I might not be helping a lot of people, but if they choose me, I’ll get to make a really big difference in the lives of this one couple at least.”
“So, you’re not pregnant yet?” Tessie asked.
I gave her a quizzical look.
“No, Tessie. That’s why I said that I was thinking about becoming a surrogate, not that I was one already. Don’t you think that that’s something I would mention to you before I went through with it?”
“I don’t know,” Tessie said, her voice rising slightly as she tried to defend herself. “You sound so convinced, I thought that maybe you got all swept up in it and just went ahead with it.”
“I don’t think that this is like a drive-thru situation. They don’t order the baby and get it baking on the same day. It takes time. I still have to go through interviews and briefings and meet with the couple and go to the doctor. There’s a lot that has to happen before they even choose me, if they’re going to choose me.”
“Have you thought about how this is going to impact the rest of your life? Forever, you’re going to be someone’s mother.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I won’t be the baby’s mother. I’m just a vessel. It’s like the T-Rex who put her eggs in the nest with the eggs of another dinosaur to be taken care of until they’re born.”
Tessie stared at me blankly for a few seconds, then blinked.
“Yeah,” she said. “And then the T-Rex babies were born and ate all of the other dinosaur’s babies.”
“Well, I don’t have any babies, so I don’t think that the one that I’ll carry for the other couple will be able to eat any of them.”
“But will you always think of that pregnancy? If you get pregnant with your own children, will it not be as special because you will have already been pregnant? You will have already gone through all of those things. You will have already felt a baby kick inside of you and seen the sonograms and gone through labor and delivery.”
“I will have,” I conceded, “but there’s a major difference.”
“What’s the difference?”
“Those babies will be mine. I’ll find out that I’m pregnant with my own child. I’ll feel my own baby kick inside of me and see my own baby on the sonogram and go through labor and delivery to bring my own baby into the world. There’s nothing about this experience that will make having my own babies one day any less special or any less important.”
“And what if they don’t choose you?”
She was putting voice to a concern that was strong inside of me, but that I didn’t want to admit to.
“Then I’ll figure it out then,” I said. “The office gave me a leave of absence. They don’t realize that it’s going to be a permanent absence, but it gives me a few months of partial income. If the couple chooses me, part of the agreement is that they’ll pay my living expenses in addition to the surrogacy fee. I’ll put my paychecks into savings to carry me through later. If they don’t choose me, at least I’ll have that to live on while I figure out my next move.”
“You’ve really thought this through,” Tessie said, sounding completely sad now rather than angry.
“I have,” I told her, reaching out to squeeze her hand. “I’ll be fine. I promise.”
“I’ll miss you so much,” she said.
“I’ll miss you, too. But it’s time to go home.”
Chapter Two
Rue
I am a terrible, horrible liar.
I had sat right there, looked directly into the eyes of my best friend, and just lied a blue-fucking-streak. That wasn’t really the intention. I was going to tell
her the real story. I actually thought that she was going to laugh about it. But when I told her and saw the look on Tessie’s face, I knew that the real story just wasn’t going to cut it. That’s because the truth was I hadn’t actually planned this whole surrogacy thing at all. I presented it to Tessie as if it was something that I thought through extensively and decided upon based on all of that evaluation, but that wasn’t what happened at all.
Having a contract baby wasn’t exactly on my bucket list. It wasn’t climb a mountain, jump out of a plane, write an epic rap battle retelling of the Iliad and the Odyssey, act as a human petri dish to carry and bear the offspring of a complete stranger. It all started because I needed to go to the dentist. That was it.
I didn’t like my dentist. That was the issue that brought all this about. Just an innocent situation of not liking the dentist that I had and wanting to go in for a little bit of a de-gunk, shine, and polish, and that was what I had every intention of doing that day. I had been complaining about my dentist for months, bemoaning his massive hands and hairy wrists and bad breath. What kind of dentist roams around his office with bad breath? That is simply poor professional form. So, I had been whining about my upcoming checkup and finally Christopher decided that he couldn’t take it anymore. He told me that if I would stop fussing, I could borrow his dentist for an appointment.
This was a momentous moment. Christopher held the identity of his dentist close to his chest in the same way that he protected the secret of his own homemade ranch dressing that somehow reached beyond the deep-seated hatred that I had always held for ranch dressing and burrowed right into my heart. We always heard him speak of this mythically magnificent dentist as he led up to an appointment and then after he emerged all pearly and clean. He anticipated these appointments with great reverence and a level of excitement that bordered on frightening sometimes. According to him, though, this devotion was completely warranted. This dentist was kind and gentle, always wore appropriately sized gloves over his appropriately sized hands, had only a moderate amount of body hair that in no way hindered his ability to perform dentistry, and his breath was always fresh. Sparkly, minty freshness was something that I was very much looking forward to as I tried to follow the somewhat cryptic directions for how to get to the office.
