“Exactly. So sweetheart I know what you bring to the table…” he says looking into my eyes and I interrupt him again.
“A lot of baggage?” I ask and he frowns.
He grabs my hand, pulling me up to my feet, making me sit in front of him on the edge of my coffee table. His knees are on the outside of my legs, and he holds my hand. I look at him. His brown eyes look a little frustrated and tired, yet very concerned.
“I’m going to say this once. I know we haven’t talked about it a whole bunch, but I think it’s time. If that night a year ago would have given me even a tiny hint that we could have worked… Shit just a smidge of hope we could have made one another happy, I would have jumped on it so fast, it would have made your head spin,” he says, slightly surprising me.
It was true, after the disastrous gross kisses, we had pretended it had never happened. That was when Nick had started to set me up on blind dates with friends of his that lived in California.
“You don’t bring baggage Sabrina. You bring so many great things to the table honey. He would be one lucky bastard, if you were even slightly interested in him,” he tells me, his voice completely sincere.
I start to shake my head, about to interrupt him, but he keeps talking.
“I know you, I saw you with him tonight. I know you care about him, maybe even falling a little too far for him.”
“Nick…”
“Just be careful though. Something is holding him back. I know he is interested in you. You could tell by the way he looks at you when he thinks no one is watching. “
“How’s that?”
“Like he isn’t sure if you are real or not… Like you are the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid eyes on,” he says in the most sincere voice and something catches in my throat, something that feels like a huge lump or knot, and my damn eyes blur with unshed tears.
“Nick…”
“Sean used to look at you like that,” he says and my breath hitches again at the thought of Sean and Mike looking at me in a similar way, and what that could mean. “Just be careful”
“Okay Nick.” I say softly, not sure what to else to say.
I’m not upset with him for what he had to say. Deep down I know Mike’s holding something back. I just figured that he would let me in when he was ready to let me in on whatever he was holding back on. As for Nick’s observation on how Mike looked at me,I would think about it later…much later.
“So how was Hong Kong? Did you close the deal okay?” I ask him, obviously changing the subject.
He sighs, leaning back on the couch and I snuggle up into his side.
“It went okay. Just took a little longer than I had planned.” he says, and I look up at him.
“How’s Trish?” I ask about his assistant, smiling and he stays serious and just shakes his head.
“She quit. So I guess I need to look for a new assistant,” he tells me, pretending to look at the tv but is looking past it.
I wait for him to fill in the blanks, when it hits me. Nick looks sad as he stares at my wall instead of the TV. A melancholy expression glazed all over his handsome face that he had somehow masked while at Emmi’s house. Dark under eyes circles adding to how exhausted he seemed. Had I been so distracted by Mike that I hadn’t noticed the pain in my best friends eyes?
“What do you mean she quit? Why?” I ask seriously as I sit up, looking at him.
“It’s complicated babe. She quit, left Hong Kong. I tried to reach her cell, her apartment in Denver. Shit Rin I even called her apartment. Her landlord said she came back, broke her lease, and left. Movers showed up two days ago and took all her shit.” The defeated tone in his voice makes me sad for him.
Nick was always so happy go lucky, and seeing him look so sad and lost takes me off guard.He really cared about her, which surprised me because he always shrugged off any idea of her when Emmi and I brought her up as someone to date.
“What happened?” I press on. I can tell he doesn’t want to talk, but I won’t give him a chance to back away.
“Babe…”
“Nick… What happened?” He sighs, running his fingers through his dark hair.
“She said she cared too much to work for me. I always thought you and Em were jerking me around. You know when you would talk about her. I was so fucking blind Rin. I didn’t see what a good thing I had until it was too late. Now she’s gone,” he says calmly… too calmly for Nick.
I hug him, his arms slack on my side. I hold him a little tighter, until he gives in and holds me back. Then he shifted his body to where he was the one holding me close, burying his face in the crook of my neck. I feel something wet fall on my neck where his face is and I stiffen slightly, until I feel his body slightly . This is the first time in over twenty years of friendship Nick Riley ever cried in front of me.
After a bit he groaned, holding me close with one hand, his other wiping his face. Clearly he didn’t want me to see the tears.
“Fuck now I’m like a little bitch crying over a girl who just left after telling me she was in love with me,” he says pulling a little away. I can see a little of his face.
“You liked her,” I said. Then without thinking as the truth hit me, “Oh my Nick, you were in love with her.”
Before he can answer my phone starts to ring, MIKE calling…
“It’s Mike,” I whisper ready to ignore Mike’s call.
“Answer it. I’m going to go to bed. Night sweetheart,” he says standing kissing the top of my head. I know he doesn’t want to talk about it, so I will give it to him.
“We aren’t done talking Nick,” I yell out and he smiles sadly and nods at me as he walks up the stairs to the guest room.
“Hey Mike,” I say as I answer and try to get comfy on the couch.
“Hey I’m home. You okay?” he asks almost as if he can somehow sense something is up. Between what Nick had brought up about Mike, and seeing him so sad about Trish, my mood is off.
“Yeah I’m fine,” I stutter out, not ready to get into all the things that are on my mind.
“I liked meeting your friends,” he says. I can hear shuffling and I wonder if Mike is getting into bed, instantly remembering my sleepover with him.
“Emmi and Dan adore you,” I say and I can hear him chuckle.
“Nick’s just a hard sell,” I slip in trying to make an awkward situation easier. It wasn’t as if Nick had been discreet about his feelings towards Mike.
“It’s okay. He cares about you. I can respect that. I like that actually. Someone looking out for you.” His voice is deep and sexy, but Nick’s words are still fresh on my mind.
“Even if they might not have something positive to say about you?” I ask and he stays silent.
“Yeah, even then… what did he say?” he asks, his voice curious yet wary.
“Nothing that matters. I know what I am doing, believe it or not. We are getting to know one another right?” I’m not sure why I am coming off bitchy.
Maybe it is a mix of my own insecurities and Nick’s own observations. I was bringing this man around not only my friends, but my children. I am starting to doubt myself with how well I know him and whether I should be getting as close as I am.
“Yeah… umm do you want more?” he asks, his voice completely hesitant. So hesitant that it stings, proving that he isn’t anywhere close to being ready for anything more than whatever we were doing. Dating limbo.
“I’m okay with what we have now. No expectations right?” sounding slightly bitchy, I close my eyes, trying to brush off the hurt feelings.
“I mean, we are getting to know one another, it’s been great. You know I like you…”
“And I like you Sabrina… too much.” Too much. What the hell did that even mean? It almost felt like he was playing me for a moment.
“What does ‘too much’ mean Mike?” I ask, frustrated and confused. I had never been good at dating and playing games. Mike saying things like that somehow feels like a game. A game only he k
nows the rules to.
“It means you are getting under my skin. I want you to know what I bring to the table before we take it to another level,” he says sounding so sincere I want to believe him whole heartedly, but there is something in the way that he worded it that won’t let me. It leaves me feeling unnerved.
“Are you sure it isnt the other way around?” I ask taking a deep breath waiting to hear his answer.
“What do you mean?” His voice is deep, slightly confused.
“Are you sure it isn’t the fact that you want to make sure you can handle everything I bring to the table?” I ask nervously, knowing that this conversation can go really bad really quick.
“No. Thats not it at all. Sabrina. What would make you think that?” he answers without hesitation and I believe him.
“Nothing never mind…” I try to somehow sweep the question under the rug. Suddenly feeling slightly overwhelmed, doubting what I thought I knew about him.
“Baby, everything you bring to the table is a good thing.” His deep voice comes across the phone snapping me out of my own thoughts. Taking in his words, letting them wash over me, I’m just not sure if I believe him.
“Okay,” I say, knowing it had come out colder than I had intended.
Maybe it was the fact that I had been out in the sun all day, or the stress of him meeting my friends, maybe it was chasing the kids all day, maybe it was Nick’s reaction to Mike, or maybe it was a mix of all of it,but I suddenly felt completely exhausted. Exhausted and drained.
Something in my gut tells me he isn’t being completely upfront. He is single, successful, and handsome. What is it that he brings to the table that he thinks I wouldn’t like about him? What is it that I am supposed to be weary about? Something doesn’t add up. I feel like I am missing something.
“Okay? Just like that?” he asks cautiously.
“Yeah just like that. “ I repeat his words and sigh. “Look it’s been a long day. I think I am just a little tired. I should go to bed, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?” I tell him without thinking, just letting the knee reaction of putting space between us flow through me. I had only done that once before with him, and that had been when he had gone to that dinner with the pretty actress.
Since then, we had talked every single night until one of us fell asleep. Every night since the day we had met. Every single night. Even when he had been out of town. Every night had been full of whispers, of getting to know one another, of wishing that we were in bed together. However right now I need my space. Space to think about everything Nick has said, and about what I am feeling. Even if I know that space I need will only lead to a night of tossing and turning.
“Oh okay. Yeah I should let you go to sleep,” he says sounding a little cold and angry.
I can’t blame him. It had been such a perfect day and now here I was ruining it. I wanted to take my words back, hating that I was making him upset, but I just can’t. So instead of apologizing, I say good night, and he mumbles it back quickly ending the call.
Confused, angry and sad, I wanted to throw my cell phone against the wall completely frustrated with Mike’s ominous mumblings, and the games he seemed to be playing. A small part of me wanted to give into tears, I just wasn’t sure what I would be crying about. With neither of those two things being productive, I decided to get into bed.
An hour later, sleep wasn’t an option. My mind filled with so many thoughts. I turned to face my nightstand, switching the small nightstand lamp on, and I couldn’t help picking up the frame that sat there.
Looking at it, my fingers trace his face. In the past it had hurt so much to look at his face, I had to put the frame face down because all the words I had never had a chance to say always lodged themselves in the middle of my throat choking me, killing me. It had killed me to look at his picture. Staring at his whiskey colored eyes right at that moment didn’t hurt, didn’t choke with unsaid words.
Now I looked at him and I could smile. I could smile and no tears were rolling down my face silently the way they had hundreds of times since Sean had died. As I looked at his picture, his handsome face, slightly rugged with a five o’clock shadow smiling back at me the way he had a million times, I smiled back.
I smiled at everything we had had a chance of accomplishing together, instead of what we missed out on.
I smiled at what we had been able to do. What we had created together.
And for the first time in a really long time it didn’t hurt to look at him. It didn’t hurt to think about him. Not an ache, not one ache or sting of pain as I stared at him. I missed him. I would always love him. But I knew I had to keep living. I also knew why it didn’t hurt anymore.
Mike.
Lying on my back staring at my ceiling fan spin, I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. I want to know what it was that was holding him back. Part of me felt like I was somehow overreacting. We had just met a couple of months ago. Was I rushing things?
Getting out of bed, I walk to my phone that is charging by my vanity. Holding it in my hands, I stare at it. God I want to talk to him. I scroll to his contact information, but can’t seem to get myself to press call. I pace back and forth in my room from my bed to my closet and back. All I have to do is press call… but I can’t.
I wanted to be in front of him to have this conversation. He was a master at hiding his feelings and expressions, a poker face professional players would envy. But even then I was somehow getting to know him or at least under his skin enough for him to let me in and give me glimpses of things. Throwing my hair in a high bun, slipping on a fitted zip-up hoodie, my phone in the hoodie pocket, I left my room.
Knocking lightly on Nick’s door, I heard him mumble for me to come in.
Opening the door to the dark room I take in the way the moonlight streams in from the open window, the curtains shifted aside and Nick in bed.
“Hey you okay?” Nick asks as he shuffles up to sit against the headboard of the bed. I watch as he leans his body towards the nightstand switching on the small dark brown lamp. The cozy guestroom filling with soft light, I take in the sight of him in bed. He was shirtless, his chest chiseled, lean but strong. So many women’s idea of perfect man candy.
Sleepy brown bedroom eyes, rumpled wavy brown hair that you could run your fingers through, strong stubble filled jaw that reminded you of Ben Affleck, I couldn’t help but sigh at the vision of him. It did nothing for me. I could appreciate his beauty, but my body had no sexual reaction to him. How much easier would dating be if I could have somehow fallen in love with my best friend?
“Yeah… Umm do you mind staying here with the kids, I need to run a quick errand,” I tell him, my voice a little nervous. Was I really thinking about going to Mikes? Unannounced?
“Errand?” his lips slightly twitch, and I know he is trying not to laugh. Raising his eyebrows, staying quiet, I know he wanted me to give him more details. Nervously I play with the zipper of my hoodie and then look up at him.
“Yeah an errand.”
“It’s almost midnight,” he says as his sleepy eyes are completely amused and dancing, his lips giving a small smug grin.
“I’m going to go talk to Mike. I’ll be back before morning. He lives about fifteen minutes from here.” He raises his eyebrow and glances to the digital clock next to the lamp, looking back at me.
“Before morning huh?” he says, not hiding how amusing he finds this.
“Nick…”
“Okay. Just…” he starts to interupt me but I cut in.
“I know be careful,” I say finishing off his sentence, and he smiles at me. Then his face gets serious.
“Yeah. And umm do you need protection?” he asks awkwardly and I raise an eyebrow at him slightly confused.
“Here,” he opens the nightstand, and pulling out a bag he brings out two foiled squares. “Just in case,” he tosses two condoms at me and I laugh, slightly blushing.
“You are crazy! I won’t need this.”
�
�Sabrina,” he says seriously looking amused and like he wants to laugh.
“It’s almost midnight. You are going to a forty year olds’ bachelor pad. Many would think that might sound like a booty call. Let’s be honest. Or who knows you might be right and you might not need those. His thing might not even work,” he jokingly says, laughing and I just shake my head trying not to smirk.
“It works trust me,” I quip back without thinking and he looks at me slightly surprised and very uncomfortable. I can feel my cheeks heat up. Shit.
“You two have… gone there?” he asks but now not only does he look surprised and uncomfortable, he sounds it too.
“No… not really?” I mumble out and he looks like he is about to fall over laughing.
“What do you mean not really? It’s either yes or no,” he says laughing. I knew he wasn’t done.
“Is it a size thing? I’ve heard you and Emmi talk about guys you don’t count from your past because of their lack of size.” I can’t help but laugh at how amused Nick is.
“I just know it works okay, and trust me he is no where lacking in size. Give me those!” I say nervously and slightly aggravated and really amused at the conversation I was having with Nick. Stuffing the condoms to the back pocket of my fitted sweats as he laughs, I can feel my cheeks blush, as I playfully glare at him. Nick’s laughter filling the room, somehow makinging me feel a little better and I smile back.
“I’ll have my phone if you need me for anything okay?” I tell him noting that I had to make sure that Nick and I had a conversation of our own before he left back to Denver.
“Be careful,” he says, and I nod in silent agreement.
Almost feeling like a silly teenage girl, I sneak out of my house in the middle of the night. My heart is beating fast and hard at the thought of going to Mike’s. Slipping into my car, driving in silence, I’m not able to hide the slight tremble in my hands, the butterflies flying in flurries in my stomach or the bright smile on my lips.
Mike
He wasn’t sure what he had done wrong, but he knew that somehow he had said something that had raised a red flag to Sabrina.
Crown's Chance at Love Page 18
