“Jules is a good guy. He took me as part of the package without blinking an eye. They got married a year later and he asked if it was cool if he could adopt me before the ink was dry on their marriage license.” I remember trying not to cry when he asked me if it was all right. My mom was good. My mom and Jules together was better. No one other than my mom had ever wanted me, in fact I spent most of my childhood feeling distinctly unwanted, but there was Jules, big, badass Jules, telling me he was choosing me to be his son despite the attitude and anger I so carelessly tossed his way. It would go down forever as one of the most significant moments of my life. “They had a perfect marriage and I thought we were a perfect family but Mom wanted more kids and struggled to get pregnant for a long time. Jules just wanted to make her happy, so he consoled her through several miscarriages and a round of failed in vitro treatments. Right about when she resigned herself to the fact that it wasn’t meant to be, she got pregnant. She called it a miracle.” Really it was a curse.
I rubbed a hand over my face at the memories of how happy she was, how excited she was for the little blessing to join our family. “She spent most of the pregnancy on bed rest but it was touch and go the entire time.” I remembered being scared because she seemed so weak, but the truth was I hadn’t been scared enough.
Dixie’s eyes were twice their normal size and she had a shaking hand covering her mouth. She could see where my story was going and even though I wanted it to have a different kind of ending, it didn’t.
“She went into labor early. It was obvious something was wrong as soon as it started. There was way too much blood and even though she didn’t want me to worry I could see how much pain she was in. I called an ambulance and Jules met us at the hospital but it was too late.” So much blood. I remembered the way it covered everything. I remembered the way I could literally see the light blink out of my mom’s eyes as she told me she loved me. She told me to be a good boy for Jules and to help him take care of my little brother. She would be so disappointed to know I hadn’t done either of those things. “The placenta detached and she bled out. They barely managed to save my little brother’s life. He was in the NICU for almost two months and when he got out Jules found himself stuck as a single dad with two kids that he never necessarily wanted and definitely wasn’t prepared for.”
Dixie gasped and didn’t bother to wipe away the single tear that escaped her eye. She looked as injured as I felt on the inside. Even after all these years the memories sliced to the bone and left jagged tears across my soul. “You have a little brother?” Her voice was rough and I could tell she was holding even more emotion back since we were in public.
I nodded jerkily and rubbed my face again. “Dalen. He’s in high school, plays football, gets good grades, and Jules couldn’t be prouder of him if he tried.” The kid had worshipped every move I made when I was around when we were younger but I hadn’t heard from him in over two years. I couldn’t say I blamed him.
“You haven’t seen him since he was five?” The way she asked it made me feel about as low as I could, but I deserved it. I had a little brother that was well on his way to becoming a man and I hadn’t been around for any of it.
“I haven’t seen either of them since they dropped me off at Camp Shelby for basic training.” And that was something I would have to live with for the rest of my life. I was waiting for the questions about why I left and why I stayed gone but they never came. That was Dixie, always giving the benefit of the doubt.
She pushed her half-eaten burger away and folded her hands on the top of the table in front of her. “So your dad and your brother are there, but who is the other woman you mentioned? Caroline?”
I grunted and felt memories and pain slide icily down my spine. Talking about my mom was hard, talking about Caroline was harder because I was older and totally knew the way I acted while she was still alive wasn’t okay. I missed my mom but cherished every minute I’d had with her. I missed Caroline as well but all I could think about when it came to her was regret. “Caroline was one of Dalen’s NICU nurses. She took care of him while he was in the hospital. She watched out for him while Jules and I buried my mom.”
I heard her gasp but I couldn’t look up at her.
“Jules spent a lot of time with Caroline while Dalen was getting healthy enough to come home. Like I said, neither one of us really knew what to do with a newborn, and Caroline stepped in to teach us the basics.” I kept my gaze on my plate. “It took a year or so. Dalen had just started to walk when Jules realized that he was feeling more than gratitude towards her. He asked her out on a date and I think she’d been in love with him from the first minute she saw him hold that baby, so of course she said yes. They got married a couple of years later when Dalen was a toddler. She was a good woman and she loved us hard. She was sick when she was younger, so she couldn’t have kids of her own, but she always said it didn’t matter because she had us. She was a good mom to Dalen, and I loved her because she never tried to replace my mom while she loved me. I was super lucky to have been raised by two special women.” I loved her but by the time I realized it, it was too late. I spent more time resenting her and keeping her at an arm’s length because I was scared to care about someone so deeply after losing my mom. I’d also been bitter that Jules had moved on even though he had every right to find happiness. It felt like betrayal until Caroline left me no choice but to love her. Again there were too many wasted minutes and moments I wanted back.
Dixie’s tiny hand covered mine where they were clutched together on the tabletop, my knuckles white as I squeezed them together. “You don’t have to tell me the rest if you don’t want to, Church.” She wanted a happy ending and I couldn’t be the guy to give that to her because I’d never experienced one myself.
“I had just turned sixteen when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was the second time I saw Jules cry. She’d been in remission for years and years but as soon as she became a part of my family, as soon as I let myself love her she got sick again.” I bit out a tortured laugh and threw my head back so I was looking at the ceiling. “She fought. She fought harder than I’ve ever seen anyone fight for anything, and I’ve seen war up close and personal. She didn’t want to leave us, but it was no use. I watched her lose her hair when she started chemo. I watched her get skinnier and skinner as she tried to keep taking care of us and the house. She was determined to make it to my high school graduation. She wanted to see me in my cap and gown.”
Dixie’s hand tightened over mine and I wasn’t sure if she was trying to comfort me or herself.
“Did she make it?” Her voice was so quiet I could barely hear her.
I shook my head and cleared my throat as emotion threatened to choke me. She hadn’t made it because when good came into my life it left before I could fully appreciate it.
“No, she didn’t. Neither did I. I enlisted and was at boot camp the day after we put her in the ground. I didn’t stick around for graduation.” I didn’t stick around for Jules or Dalen either because they still had a shot at something good and I didn’t want to be around to taint it.
She let go of my hands and leaned back in the booth. Eyes wide and her chest rising and falling in shallow breaths. “Wow. Is that all?” She sounded bewildered and a little baffled, not that I could blame her. It was a lot and none of it was particularly pleasant.
“Not quite. There’s Elma Mae.” If there was one thing in the world that actually made me smile it was Elma Mae. I couldn’t stop my lips from twitching when I thought of the feisty older woman who had lived across the street from me for as long as I could remember.
“She lived down the street from me and Mom when I was growing up and when my grandparents didn’t want anything to do with us she made sure to fill in for them. She took care of me after school when Mom worked. She helped Mom and Jules out with whatever they needed and she was there when Dalen was a newborn and Jules was in way over his head. She always had homemade cookies and cold sweet tea ready and
waiting. She is the epitome of what a proper southern lady should be and she taught me more about family and forgiveness than anything or anyone else has.”
Her head cocked to the side and she considered me thoughtfully. “Why couldn’t you tell them the truth, Church? Why couldn’t you just say you weren’t ready to come home yet? Surely they would understand.” It was a reasonable question but my reasons for not doing exactly that were anything but.
“I never told them when I was promoted into Spec Ops. I always let them think that I was still in infantry or that I was doing guard duty. When I went in I was an MP for the first few years, so I let everyone back home keep right on thinking that I was still doing nothing more than watching the gates at the base and regulating unruly soldiers. I didn’t want them to worry. Everyone had suffered enough loss and I didn’t want anyone to lose any sleep wondering where I was and what I was doing. So no one back home knows how desperately I really needed the downtime. They have no clue that I came back a different man than they remember.” I carried a lot of heavy shit around inside of me and there was no way the people that loved me were going to miss the way I was weighed down. I blinked at Dixie realizing in the twenty minutes or so we had been talking that I had given her more, shared more with her than I had with anyone since I left home. Not even Rome knew the reason I kept communication to a minimum back home was for them and not for me.
She made a face at me. “You should be honest with them. They’ll understand.”
They would, but the way I left, the way I shut myself off from them and the grieving and healing we should be doing together, that was going to be harder for them to forgive and understand. “Are you ready to go? I want to get on the road pretty early in the morning and I know you aren’t exactly the type that likes to rise and shine.” There was also only so much of my heart and soul that I was willing to show her at one time. Turned out I had a lot to say when I was talking to someone that looked at me the way she did.
I hated feeling this exposed and raw. I knew the sun could burn when you let it shine on your unprotected skin for too long. That’s what it felt like after giving Dixie so much and having her still look at me like I was something special.
She nodded and made like she was going to reach for her wallet but I waved her off and tossed a couple of bills on the table, sure to leave a tip that would make the waitress having to stay late sting a little less. I slid out of the booth but almost fell back into it when Dixie suddenly launched herself at me.
I wasn’t used to being hugged. It wasn’t something that happened when you kept everyone at an arm’s length and made sure that a scowl was your default expression. Her arms circled my waist and her cheek rested right over my heart as she squeezed me tight. I curled an arm around her shoulders and let the fingers of my free hand twist and twine in the endless curls that cascaded down her back. They felt like silk as they wrapped around my knuckles and tickled my palm.
“What’s this for?” I wasn’t surprised that she was a hugger but I was surprised that she was hugging me for no apparent reason. That wasn’t the type of relationship we had, at least it hadn’t been before she gave me that kiss that I could still taste and feel.
“It’s for the little boy that lost both his moms and for the man that hasn’t seen his family in a decade. No one should go through the things you’ve been through without a hug, Church. Everyone needs one every now and then, even big, badass former soldiers.”
I couldn’t remember the last time someone had hugged me. It might have been Jules and Elma Mae when they dropped me off for basic, because I sure as hell wasn’t into hugging the women I took to bed or the men I’d been deep in the trenches with.
I hugged her back but it was awkward and stiff. I wanted my arms around her for something other than comfort.
We broke apart and headed for the doorway. The waitress gave a wave from where she was standing behind the counter.
“You were right, darlin’, he is pretty but he does need to smile more. You two have a good night.”
Dixie laughed and pushed the door open and since her back was to me she didn’t see it but I almost very nearly did smile. It was impossible not to around her.
Chapter 7
Dixie
The knock on my door came way too early the next morning. I tried to go to bed almost immediately after getting into the room and taking my long-awaited shower, but my body was far too used to being awake late into the night and sleeping when the sun was in the sky. Not to mention I couldn’t stop my mind from spinning pretty fairy tales around that taste of Church I had snuck on the side of the road. I was stupid to think a single kiss was enough to satisfy the way I had been craving him since the beginning. I wanted more. I wanted it all and the way his big body tightened and shivered against mine was a pretty big indication that he was willing to give me what I desired, but the look in his eyes warned that it was only physical on his end. He would give me every single thing I asked for except for a way into that heart he guarded with iron bars and bulletproof armor.
I also couldn’t stop thinking about what was waiting for us when we got to Mississippi. His story hurt to hear. I hated the idea of him feeling unwanted and I couldn’t believe anyone could ever look into those beautiful eyes and consider his mother’s choice to keep him and raise him a mistake. I knew there was more to why he hadn’t been home in so long than him needing a break once he got out of the service.
I watched Church with Rome and Asa. I watched him with the other guys that filtered in and out of the bar that made up the tightly knit family that had surrounded and supported Rome when he was going through his own adjustment period after coming home from the desert. Church might think he was a lone wolf but it was obvious to me that what he actually was, was an alpha in search of his own pack to lead. He missed the camaraderie of having a band of brothers, he missed being a part of a group of like-minded individuals that would watch out for each other come hell or high water. He still had that bond with Rome, but for reasons that I didn’t understand and was more determined than ever to figure out, he held himself aloof and apart from anyone else willing to welcome him into their fold, his family included.
I tossed the covers off the bed and made my way to the door blurry eyed and rumpled. When I pulled it open Church was on the other side looking like he had been awake for hours. He even had a white to-go cup of coffee in his hand and something in a paper bag that smelled heavenly.
“I sent you a text when I got up but obviously you didn’t get it.” He sounded amused and I realized his gaze wasn’t on my sleep-tangled hair or my practically naked lower half. No. He was focused on the words “Tequila Made Me Do It” where they stretched across my chest on the long tank top I’d worn to bed the night before.
I shoved my hands through my hair, not thinking that the motion would pull the hem of my shirt up well past my waist, giving Church an unobstructed view of my underwear. I blushed, but took solace in the fact that this time they were at least cute and lacy. I tugged the end of the shirt back down so that I was barely covered and took a step back into the room. “I need to get dressed and do something with my hair. Give me half an hour and I’ll be ready to go. My sister called me no less than twenty times last night, so I had to turn my phone to silent. That’s why I didn’t get your text.”
I fisted my hair in a hand and lifted the snarled mess up off my neck. I shouldn’t have gone to bed with it wet. There was little to no chance that I was going to be able to wrangle the curls into any kind of order. I thought he would take the hint and head back to his own room, instead he walked farther into mine and placed the coffee and paper bag on the dresser where the TV sat. He made himself comfortable on the edge of my unmade bed and crossed his long legs at the ankle while he watched me with amused eyes.
“Everything okay back home?” The genuine concern in his honeyed voice had more heat working its way through my body. I spun on my heel, snatched up my jeans from the day before, grabbed my bra from whe
re it was dangling on the bathroom door handle, and slid inside the little room so I could put some layers on between me and the walking, talking seduction that was Dash Churchill.
“Wheeler told her the wedding is off. He also told her she has until I get back home to find somewhere else to live. Kallie hasn’t ever kept a full-time job and has never had to support herself, so she’s freaking out. Also my parents invested a lot of time and money into their wedding, and she’s panicking that Wheeler is going to tell them the reason he’s walking away is because she cheated on him. She’s always been the baby, the one they coddled, but they love Wheeler like a son, so it’s going to be bad.” I wiggled into the rest of my clothes and finger combed my hair. It was useless. The curls had taken over my head and they wouldn’t be stopped.
I stuck my toothbrush in my mouth and looked at him in the mirror. He was watching me with hooded eyes and there was tension in his shoulders and arms that wasn’t there when he walked in. He looked like he had been cast in bronze by a great artist that wanted to capture what true masculine beauty was all about. He was so strong and hard, but there was no denying that he was also all kinds of gorgeous and flat-out dazzling.
“Why do you think your sister stepped out on him?” I ran my tongue over my now clean teeth and wasn’t surprised one bit that instead of minty freshness I still tasted him. I was certain I was going to taste him forever and that it was going to slowly drive me insane.
I trapped my hair in pigtails on either side of my head, which made me look like I was twelve years old. Well, a twelve-year-old with some serious cleavage. I made a face in the mirror as I slathered on some tinted moisturizer and some ChapStick. I figured it would be wind in my face and more truck stops today, so there was no need for me to doll myself up. Besides, today was the second morning in a row Church had seen me the way I was when I woke up, so there was no putting lipstick on a pig after that. I figured he couldn’t be too repulsed by my au naturel state if he hadn’t run out the door yet and I tingled when I remembered that he’d told me he thought I was cute when I was all grumbly and growly in the morning.
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