by C. S. Jacobs
Me: Perhaps that was my intent. FYI call me ma’am again and I’ll be forced to cause you bodily harm.
Blake: Ha, I will refrain from referring to you as that ever again. How was your day at work, Angelica?
Me: It was surprisingly wonderful. I love my boss and my coworkers. They treated me just like they always have. I had so many emails to follow up on, though, but it helped keep me busy throughout the day. How was your day?
Blake: Full of very boring meetings. I’m glad to hear your day went so well, that makes me very happy. May I join you in your bath? I’m sorry I meant on your morning run.
Me: Wow, that was really bad Blake. I expect better from you ;) But yes to both?
Blake: Oh, how you like to test the limits of my pants zipper. I will let you enjoy your bath, Angelica. Until tomorrow.
Me: Until tomorrow, Blake.
Hmmm, test the limits? I make bubbles in the tub and strategically place them over my nipples, but leave as much breast visible as possible and take a picture. Shockingly, I like the first one right off the bat and send it to Blake.
Blake: Zipper broken, mission accomplished, Ms. Cane.
Me: Good ;)
This is what I love, this fun banter we can have with one another. It’s the best. Love? Wow, I can’t believe I even said that word, even in my thoughts.
What’s holding me back from loving someone?
The fear of them finding out about my past? He knows.
The fear of loving someone and them not loving me back?
Like, my mother…like, my mother. Now that’s food for thought. I shake off these profound revelations and rinse off.
Pulling on my pajamas, I crawl into bed. Rodger hops up and lies in his regular spot at the foot of my bed. As I lay there willing my mind to stop thinking, I can’t, it won’t shut up. How can a mom not love her daughter? Well, who’s to say my mother doesn’t love me? Although if she does she has a fucked up way of showing it. How could she not help me when everything was happening? She couldn’t stand up to Edward? She couldn’t get me help? No, she just pretended that nothing happened. Why? Because she didn’t want to be embarrassed. Are you shitting me? If I ever have children, I’d imagine that I would do anything and everything to protect them from the dangers of the world. Should something bad happen to them, I’d do everything in my power to make it right, or at the very least, to make them feel better. She doesn’t deserve to have the title of Mom. What I don’t get is that she had incredible parents. Her biological father left when she was too little to remember. My grandfather has been in her life since before she could speak, he is the most loving and caring man in the world. My grandmother was wonderful as well before she got sick. She even had Betty, but none of them mattered. She must’ve gotten that from whoever her father was. I get my phone and look at the clock. It’s just before ten p.m. I know Joey is still awake, he has a shitty mom so I know I can bitch to him.
“What’s up baby girl?” I hear him lowering the sound on the television.
“I just can’t get my crappy ass mom out of my head. Why wouldn’t she stand up for her daughter after finding out everything that was done to her at the hands of her own husband? She did nothing. What kind of mother does that? To be honest I think that’s always hurt me a little more than what that deranged fuck did to me.”
“Where’s all this coming from, Ang?”
“I was just thinking in the bath, why can’t I fall in love? Why do I push so hard and gag at the mere thought of it? Then I thought of it. I wonder if it’s because I’m scared that they won’t love me back? Like her? No matter how much I hate her, no matter how much she’s wronged me she is my mother and I love her. I can’t stop myself. I wish more than anything we had a good relationship. I wish we could be like other mothers and daughters, having lunch or getting pedi’s. Why was it so hard for her to love me? She had amazing role models growing up. Was it me? Was I hard to love?”
“Cut your shit Angelica it wasn’t you. She’s just a cunt like my mother. There’s no one to blame for their actions but them. No excuse or upbringing should shape a mother’s ways. Your mom came from a great home, my mom, not so much. But in the end they both ended up being shit moms. It’s a decision they have to make, one they choose not to.”
I know I shouldn’t have called him about this, seeing as he just recently disowned his own mother, but I knew out of everyone that he’d best understand what I was feeling.
“We can analyze them until we’re blue in the face, but it won’t change anything. Would it make you feel any better knowing exactly why they are piece of shit moms?”
“Maybe.”
“Oh, stop being a dumbass.”
“I know what you are saying. I don’t even know why I’m dwelling on this to be honest. It comes in phases, what the fuck is wrong with her?”
“Yeah, I feel you, baby girl. I know the feeling.”
“I’m sorry to bring up this crappy subject with you. How’s she been treating you since you told her you weren’t going to be paying her way anymore?”
“Oh, just dandy. She went to TMZ and tried to sell them a story, ‘Rich Famous Model Abandons Poor Mother, Forced to Live on the Streets.’ Good ol Mom.”
“No, she fucking didn’t?”
“Oh, she did! Luckily I have a friend that works there and my manager handled the situation. She blows up my phone randomly. She knows I can’t change my number so she has the upper hand. I’ve blocked her cell but you know her, she calls me on random ass numbers.”
“I’m sorry JoJo, she’s a bitch. I wish I could make her go away.”
“Yeah, I wish I could make them both go away. Wouldn’t that be nice?”
“Very.”
“You can’t let her or your past dictate your future Angelica. If you want to love, then love. It’s not always going to go your way, but how else are you going to find out if it would?”
“When did you become a fortune cookie?”
“Bitch, I’m serious. Trying to figure her out isn’t going to help your current situation. Don’t forget that.”
“I won’t, love you, Joey.”
“Love you, A.P. now go to bed. I’m not coming over in the morning to help you, so you’re going to need all the beauty sleep you can get.”
“Such an asshole!”
“Night.”
“Yeah, yeah, night.”
We hang up at the same time. That fucker, I love him though and he’s right, trying to figure her out won’t help me. It’s time to worry about me, figure myself out instead of attempting to figure out everyone else. Easier said than done but I need to try. Feeling more at ease about the situation I turn off the light on my nightstand and fall into a deep sleep.
The office is quiet. “HELLO,” I yell down the hallway. No response. I hear a noise and turn in time to see Edward running toward me. Immediately I turn and run down to the bank of elevators, but the doors close before I can make it. So I run to the door leading to the stairs and step down them as fast as I can. Hearing him gaining distance, I reach the bottom and run out of the stairwell. The bottom floor is full of people, but none of them even look at me. I scream to Charlie, but it’s as if he can’t hear me. I run to the doors and when I make it through Blake is there waiting. He takes me in his arms and…
Rodger is licking my face. I’m breathing heavily, that was a weird dream. No more dreams about what happened in my past, but more like what could’ve happened that day. So odd. Did Blake save me? What would have happened next? Damn it Rodger. Looking at the clock I see it's 4:30 a.m. yet again. Getting up to change into workout clothes, my alarm goes off a short time later and I quiet it quickly. Hearing a knock on the door from my room, I hurry down the stairs. When I open the door, no one is there, my heart races slightly and I take a step outside to look to my left. Blake’s standing there with two bikes beside him.
“Bikes?”
“Your vision is impeccable.”
“Smart ass. Why do you have tw
o bikes?”
“I thought we could change it up a little this morning, it that okay?”
“That’s great, but I’ll have to leave Rodger home this morning.”
“Why? Just have him run without a leash, he’ll be fine.”
I ponder that for a moment wondering if Rodger would like that. I guess there’s only one way to find out.
That seems to be a running theme with me as of late.
“Rodger come.” He comes panting down the steps. “You’re going to run next to me without a leash, okay?” He slants his head, clearly not understanding a word I’m saying, but I like to tell him the plan anyway. I run inside to get a dog vest for him and hurriedly put it on him. Locking up the house, I move to the purple bike. “I assume this is mine?”
“Now who’s the smartass?” He hands me a helmet. “Seriously?”
“Yes, seriously. I will not risk your safety, helmet on.”
“Okay, Mr. Bossy.”
He walks beside me and whispers into my ear, “Only in the bedroom, Angelica.”
“Are we going to ride bikes or are you going to do me?”
“Is the latter an option?”
“No, now let’s get going before I change my mind.” I smack him on the arm and hop on my bike, laughing as I put my helmet on because I look like an idiot. Blake, on the other hand, looks fucking perfect. His arms bulge as he straps on his helmet. I can see his six pack from the tightness of his shirt. His shorts give me the pleasure of looking at his long, lean legs and his shoes? God, his feet are big. I check the bike I’m sitting on to distract myself from Blake and his impeccable physique. The bike is a standard everyday bike, at least I think it is.
“Are you ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.”
“You can ride a bike can’t you?”
“Of course, I can! You think I can ride a horse and not a bike?”
He laughs at my mini-outburst. “Just checking, let’s go.”
We head off in the direction of Central Park. I don’t ask any questions just enjoying the ride. Rodger is running right next to me, looking very happy. I’m sure that has to do with the fact that he’s off the leash and being able to run a little faster than normal. We make it to the park after a few crosswalks and start to ride on East Drive. We ride for a while toward the city. It’s still early enough that there are not many people at the park. A few runners and bikers are scattered around. Once we pass the ice rink, we turn around and head back to my house. The city is beautiful this time of year. It’s my favorite time, it’s cold, but there’s no snow yet…it’s perfect. I check Rodger constantly and he’s still happy as can be by my side. I see his breath coming out in puffs; I’m hoping his doggie vest is helping a little. Once we’re out of the park and back on the streets, I notice that Rodger is slowing down. I’m not sure how far we went, but I know we went faster and further than we would have had we been running. I’m sure we’ve worn him out this morning. Once I get off the bike, I realize how sore my legs are. Good God if they’re sore already I’m going to hate tomorrow.
“How was that?” Blake asks.
“That was awesome. Thank you for this, it was beautiful.” I take off my helmet and hang it on the bike handles. “I think we wore Rodger out.” Rodger is sitting next to me panting heavily. “I better get him inside. Thank you, it was fun. Although my legs are already hurting, I dread to think what tomorrow is going to be like.”
“Ha, that was the plan, perhaps I can take you to breakfast then?”
“Always optimistic aren’t you, Blake?”
“Someone has to be.”
“Perhaps, on breakfast. Goodbye, Blake.”
“Goodbye, Angelica.” I head up the stairs and turn around once I’ve opened my door. “Wait, how did you get two bikes here?”
“I had some help.” He nods to a truck parked down the road. Adam opens the car door then heads in our direction.
“Cheater.” I wink at him then head inside and close the door behind me.
Rodger heads straight to his bed and plops down. Man, we really wore him out. I head into the kitchen to give him his water and food then move up to my room to shower and change. I choose one of my favorite knee-length dresses that I pair with simple crème colored heels. I blow dry my hair then straighten it, so much easier than doing anything fancy to it. Changing quickly, I put on the basic makeup needed. Checking in the mirror, I feel good. I head downstairs to grab my coat and my purse when I notice Rodger is still lying in bed.
“Hey buddy, you tired?” He licks my hand when I go to pet him. Love that dog. “I’ll see you right after work, Rodger. Love you.” He gives me a bark and then I head out to work.
Hopping in a taxi and have it drop me off at the Starbucks, I order my usual plus a bagel then head to the office. Greeting Charlie on the way up, then I greet Bill when I make it up. Not having a lot of time for a chat, I get straight to work while enjoying my breakfast. The morning goes smoothly with most of it spent with me at my desk responding to emails. I receive notices from two prior companies stating they would like us to draw up some new advertising plans. I ask Greg and Allan to pull up their previous files and we spend much of the afternoon reviewing what we did and how we can better our work the next time around. After our strategy meeting, I head back to my office and go through more emails.
Checking my phone, I have a few texts and a voicemail from Joey.
Hey, Ang, got offered a bitchen gig but it's taking me to Paris ASAP! I’m literally on a private jet right now. Liam is going to be the photographer. I bet I can make him say oh là là multiple times. Love you A.P. I’ll be back in a few days.
Smiling and shaking my head and move onto my text messages. One is from Blake telling me that Joey called him to let him know he was going out of town, so if I needed anything to call him. Joey, doing what he thinks is best I suppose. The rest are from various friends. After responding to a few more emails, I pack up and head home for the night.
Stopping by my favorite deli to order a turkey avocado melt on sourdough and a side of fries, I figure I deserve it after the bike ride Blake took me on this morning. I make it home by six and head straight to the kitchen. Opening up my food I take a few bites when I notice that Rodger’s food and water are untouched. Very odd. I walk over to his bed and see him lying there. I stare at him for a while and I don’t see him breathing. Running to his side, I start to cry.
No, no, no, this can’t be happening. Rodger is the healthiest dog. What the fuck happened? I run to the kitchen and snag my cell phone then go back to Rodger’s side. I call Blake, and he answers on the third ring.
“Good even—”
“Blake, it’s Rodger he’s not breathing. I need you to take us to the vet hospital. Please hurry Blake, I can’t lose him. Hurry.”
I hang up the phone not wanting to talk. Trying to calm my breathing, I place my head on Rodger’s side. I hear a faint heartbeat and can feel a slight lift of his chest.
“Please Rodger. Please, don’t leave me, buddy. Please stay with me. I’m going to take you to the doctor. He’ll help you, buddy. Please hold on Rodger, please don’t leave me.” My sobs are fierce, I can’t help them. I can’t lose Rodger. He’s my everything. Please, please God, don’t take him.
I hear pounding on the door and run to let Blake in. Swinging the door open, he takes one look at me then asks where Rodger is. I point to his bed and Blake runs to him. He puts his head on his chest much like I did then very gingerly lifts him up and carries him out the door. I run to get my purse then lock up as fast as possible. Blake is putting Rodger in the back seat as I approach his car, so I run around the other side to sit in the back with him. Blake gets him in just as I’m closing my door. He sprints to the driver seat and starts the car and we pull out.
“East 62nd Street, Blake. The vet is an emergency vet, please hurry.”
“I know exactly where that is. I will Angelica. I will.”
Leaning down I whisper into Rodger’s ear
to hold on a little longer, to not give up, and to hold on tight for me. God this dog is everything to me, he’s my child. I don’t know what I’ll do without him. Please God no, don’t take him from me, he’s all I have. Please Jesus, please, don’t do this. Don’t be so cruel to take my companion from me. I feel the car speeding through the streets and I hear the cars honking as we drive but I don’t look up, I can’t. I just lay on Rodger and cry. I plead with every God to please not end his life. Don’t be so cruel that after everything that’s happened you would take my dog, my family. I feel the car pull up to a stop abruptly. I look up and notice we’re illegally parked right at the entrance. Blake runs to open Rodger’s door and gingerly picks him up and starts to speed walk inside. I’m right behind them. Thankfully the emergency room is empty.
“Please, please help me. It’s my dog, he’s barely breathing. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. Please help me, don’t let him die. Please.”
A nurse comes to us wheeling out an extended medical table. Blake lays Rodger down and they start to pull him away, I go to follow, but the receptionist stops me.
“Ma’am you cannot go back there, I’m sorry. They will come talk to you as soon as they know anything.”
“No, I can’t leave him, I have to go back with him. He’ll look for me when he wakes up.” The receptionist looks at me with sad eyes.
“Come on Angelica, let’s go sit over there.” He points to an area of uncomfortable chairs and a television playing the news. “Let them do their job, Angelica. They’re only trying to save him.” I nod and follow him to the waiting room. Once I hit the seat, I cry uncontrollably.
Not Rodger. God, please don’t take him. Please let him live, he is my world, he is my baby. Oh God, please help him. Blake sits next to me and pulls me to his shoulder where I cry continuously. At one point the receptionist brings over a box of tissues, he thanks her then she returns to her desk. I don’t know how long we’ve sat here, me crying and Blake rubbing my shoulder but eventually we hear the doors open. Standing abruptly, I almost lose my footing. That’s when I see an older man in a lab coat come in our direction and that’s when I know, Rodger is gone. I fall to my knees before Blake has time to react. Blake kneels down next to me and rubs my back.
