Gracie’s smile widened. “Sure. How many?”
“Three!” He pushed his plate to the bowl, then dug into the meatballs when she put them on his plate.
“Tell us the surprise, Daddy,” Jordan begged. “Are we getting a puppy? You said we could have a puppy.”
“I brought you Caesar.What more do you want?” He grinned when his dog flicked his ears at the mention of his name.
“I love Caesar, but he needs a son. Don’t you, Caesar?” Jordan asked.The dog barked and pressed his muzzle against her leg.
“Eat your supper.”At least the announcement defused the controversy over the food. He dived into his own plate of food. “This is really good,” he mumbled past a mouthful.
“Thanks,” she said, not looking at him.
When they were finished eating, the kids waited impatiently for Michael and Gracie to finish. He wasn’t sure how to begin. They’d just lost their mother. Now he was going to tell them they had a new mother.That was the main gist of the message. Not that he had a new wife, but he’d just replaced their mother. He hadn’t thought that through. Maybe they should wait awhile. He nearly told them the surprise was a trip to town for ice cream, but he knew only the truth would do.They were bound to hear it.This was a small town. A guy couldn’t get married and not have the whole town know.
He scooped Evan onto his lap. “I want to tell you what Gracie and I did in town today.”
“You got a puppy!” Jordan said, scooting off her chair.“Where is it?”
“No, not a puppy, honey. I’ve been worried about you kids. It’s important for kids to have a mommy and a daddy.”
“Our mommy died,” Evan said in a tragic voice.
Michael hugged him. “Not on purpose, son. She didn’t want to go. She loved you both very much. She would want you to be happy.” He glanced at Gracie, who was sitting on the edge of her chair. Had she suspected it would be this hard?
“Where’s the puppy?” Jordan demanded again.
“There’s no puppy, honey.At least not yet.We’ll get one soon.This is better than a puppy. Gracie and I were married today. She’s going to adopt you kids and I’m going to adopt Hope.We’re one family now. You have a new sister, and Hope has a brother and a sister.”
The mouths of all three kids gaped.When the wailing began, he wanted to bolt from the room, but he forced himself to try to explain. No one was listening.
JORDAN DIDN’T LOOK UP WHEN MICHAEL ENTERED HER BEDROOM. SHE SAT cross-legged on the floor with a doll in her arms. Caesar lay beside her with his head on her knee. Her tearstained face turned away when he spoke her name. He knelt on the floor beside her. “You’re acting like a baby, Jordan. I want you to stop this behavior.”
Her face crumpled, and tears rolled down her cheeks. “I want my mommy. Not a pretend mommy.”
“You like Miss Gracie. And you have a new sister.”
Jordan rocked back and forth. “Mommy used to sing to me at night before I went to sleep. She always smelled so pretty. Like sunshine.” Caesar whined and nudged her arm with his nose. She flung her arms around the dog’s neck and wept harder.
He nearly told her to buck up, then closed his mouth. How would Gracie handle this? He softened his tone. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. If I could bring your mommy back, I would.”
“You’re glad she’s dead!” She wailed even louder. “You don’t love us.You always loved your job more than you loved us.”
She’d heard those words from Kate. He squeezed his lids shut, then sighed and stared at his small daughter. “I love you more than anything, Jordan.”
“Then why are you gone all the time?”
“Dads have to work so their kids have money for food. For your dolls and clothes. I can’t just stay home or we wouldn’t have a house to live in.” He ran his hand along her hair. It was as soft as a kitten’s coat.
She raised her head from Caesar’s fur, then crawled onto Michael’s lap. “Are you ever going to go away again, Daddy?” she asked, her voice forlorn.
He hugged her tight. “No, honey. I got a job here so I could come home to you every night. I married Gracie so you’d have a mommy to wash your clothes and braid your hair. Everything I do is for you.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.” He rocked her in his arms. Maybe it hadn’t been true in the past, but he wanted it to be that way. He’d been too careless of how his children felt about his absence.Too worried about living up to his dad’s expectations. His dad was gone now. Michael kissed her cheek.The salty taste of her tears pierced him with failure. It was possible to do better. Change his focus.
Gracie had helped him see that.
He rose with his daughter in his arms and carried her to bed. After tucking her under the sheet, he knelt by her bed and held her hand.
“You haven’t prayed with us since we got here, Daddy.You used to.”
“I’m slipping, aren’t I?’ Though he smiled down at her, a steel band encased his ribs.What a hypocrite he was.Trying to do right by everyone but his kids. “Is there anything special I should pray for?”
She nodded. “Pray for it not to hurt so much. And for Jesus to take care of Mommy.” She clutched his hand.
If the band got any tighter, he wouldn’t be able to pull in any oxygen. In a choked voice, he prayed for little Jordan and for Evan. For Hope, too, and for him and Gracie to be the parents the children needed.
GRACIE TUCKED HER NOSE INTO HOPE’S SWEET-SMELLING NECK AND kissed the soft skin. She pulled away just enough to stare into her daughter’s sleepy eyes. “Love you, punkin.”
Her daughter twirled her fingers in Gracie’s hair. “More than Jordan and Evan?” she asked.
Gracie tickled her neck with more kisses. “More than life itself. More than chocolate. More than peanut M&M’s.”
Hope giggled. “More than peanut-butter fudge?”
“More than a Dairy Queen Peanut Buster Parfait.You’ll always be my special girl.”
A contented smile hovered on Hope’s lips. “I like having a brother and sister, but you’re my mommy first.”
“That’s right. But we can all be a family. Loving them doesn’t mean I love you less. Okay?”
“Okay,” Hope said, her eyes beginning to drift shut.
Gracie tiptoed out of Hope’s room and started toward hers, but she wasn’t sleepy.The events of the day needed too much pondering. She went down the steps and slipped on her flip-flops. They were already crumbling from the rough stones. She would get more shoes when she got her next check. She gasped when she remembered Michael had said his money was hers, that she could just write a check for what she and Hope needed.
Not that she had the courage to do it. She was still very much the interloper here, no matter what Michael said.
Making sure the screen didn’t slam behind her, she stepped onto the porch. On her way down the steps, she saw an animal lumber from under the structure and nearly screamed, but it was just an armadillo.
A whinny from the barn drew her across the yard. King nickered from the paddock as though he recognized her. She drew close to the fence, and he came to meet her. In the glare of the security light, she saw the sores on his back clearly.
“Did someone beat you, King?” She put her trembling hands behind her back, then reconsidered and stretched out a hand.
When he nuzzled her palm, she forced herself not to flinch.This poor baby wouldn’t hurt her. Her scars weren’t visible like his, but they existed nonetheless. She leaned on the fence and lifted her face to the breeze, fragrant with sage. A dog barked behind her, and she whirled to see Michael approaching with Caesar at his side.
“Hey, Gracie,” he said when he reached her.
A weary droop to his shoulders made her step closer. “What’s wrong?”
He propped a boot on the lowest rung of the fence. “Just realizing I’ve not been the man I’d hoped for my kids.”
“Are we ever the parents we hope to be?”
“You don’t have any tr
ouble. I see you running to anticipate what they need before they ask.You never get ruffled or irritated with their questions. Or with Evan’s boundless energy.”
“It’s all a front.”
He raised his brows. “Really?”
She nodded. “It’s like a coat I slip on. I act patient when I want to yell at them or be cheery when I want to cry.”
He grinned. “I get it. Courage isn’t being fearless. It’s stepping out when I want to retreat.”
“Half the time I’m terrified I’ll say something that will warp them for life.”
“You inspire me, though. I wanted to tell Jordan to grow up when she was sulking, but then I wondered what you’d do. It changed things.”
Heat rushed to her cheeks. “You actually wondered what I’d do?”
A smile tugged at his lips. “Yep.”
“I’m hardly a role model,” she whispered, averting her gaze. If she didn’t, she’d take two steps into his arms.
“You are to me.”
The pleasure that flooded her chest was disproportionate to his words. She rubbed the gelding’s nose again. Her fear was ebbing, at least her fear of this horse. “You fed King already, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, but it wouldn’t hurt to give him a bit more. I’m taking it slow with him.”
She glanced back at the wounded animal. “Poor horse. He’s been so mistreated.”
“I don’t understand a man who would treat a horse like this.”
“That’s because you are honorable,” she said. She felt his quick glance but kept her attention focused on the horse. “You’re all bound up in always doing the right thing. Do you ever want to let it all go and do what you want?”
“All I’ve ever wanted was to be a soldier.”
“Why? What drew you to the military?”
He rubbed King’s ears. “My dad, I guess.When I was growing up, he talked about the glory of serving your country.”
“Men die that way.”
“All men die eventually, but dying in the service of others—that’s a death worth experiencing.”
She shook her head. “Why chase death?”
“I don’t. But when it comes, I want to know I made a difference. Dad said facing the knowledge he could be shot anytime made him appreciate every day all the more.”
She clasped her arms around herself. “Seems a little wacky to me.”
He turned his head and stared into her face. “Tonight I realized I hadn’t talked to you about the most important thing I should have before we married. Jordan asked me to pray with her, and I never even asked if you’re a Christian.”
Heat burned its way up her neck and scorched her cheeks. “That’s pretty personal, Michael.”
He held up his hand with the wedding ring. “We just tied our lives together, even if it’s in name only. I want my kids, including Hope, to know God loves them. Have you thought about faith at all?”
A mountain of memories lodged in her throat. “I grew up in the church,” she managed to say.
“But not now?”
“Not in over five years.”
“What happened?”
She tried to smile and failed. “Life. If you ask whether I believe in God—whether I’m a Christian—I’d say yes. But it’s hard for me to pray after all I’ve done.”
“You’re talking about your mother now.That wasn’t your fault.”
She turned on him. “It was my fault! I see her face every time I look into Hope’s eyes. She’s the spitting image of my mom.”
“I don’t understand why you blame yourself so much.”
“Mom would have loved her. She never got the chance to kiss Hope’s cheeks or be called Grandma. I deprived her of that.”
“It was an accident.” He studied her face. “So why did you get on that horse?”
She closed her eyes. “I don’t even remember.”
His voice pushed her. “Or don’t want to? What was happening in your life right then?”
“Too much.” She clamped her jaw shut so tight it hurt. He didn’t need to know. “Since then, God has blocked me from enjoying any happiness. Every time I think I’ve found a spot to settle, he closes the door.”
“Maybe he’s trying to tell you something.”
“That I’m a failure? I already know that.”
“What about your dad? Is he still alive?”
Hot tears blurred her vision. “As far as I know.”
“Does he know what happened the day your mom died?”
She nodded. “I couldn’t bear the condemnation on his face. I ran away that night.”
“You haven’t seen him since? Or talked to him?”
“No. Can we talk about something else?”
“You could go see him, Gracie. Air it all out.”
“I can’t,” she whispered. “He hates me. I know it.”
“Can you honestly say Hope could do anything to make you hate her?”
“That’s different,” she protested.
“I don’t think so.” His warm fingers closed around her arm. “You need to find some peace.”
“It doesn’t exist in my world.” She turned and ran for the house, even though he called after her.
Easy enough for him to spout the platitudes. He’d done everything right. A coyote howled in the distance, and the sound brought a wave of red balls across her vision. Red was the color of guilt.
11
GRIT COATED GRACIE’S EYES. TLHE WEEKEND HAD BEEN FULL OF STRIFE. IT was nearly eleven before they got the children settled down last night. Then she’d spent another hour writing a letter to the FBI. She slid it inside an envelope addressed to her former boss at the day care, then put it in the mailbox by the road.
The bus had already come and gone with Jordan and Evan, who had little to say to her. Even the normally sunny Hope had picked at her breakfast until Gracie gave her the assignment of writing a page of her ABC’s.Today should be better with the older kids in school and Michael at work. She had a list of things she wanted to do that would keep her mind busy.When Hope’s lesson was over, Gracie was going to give this house a good scrubbing.
Hat in hand, Michael stepped into the doorway. “I need to pay the rent.Want to come along and meet the folks who own the house? I hear they have two girls about Hope’s age. Might make good playmates.”
Gracie glanced up. He hadn’t slept any more than she had. “I thought I might clean house today.”
He snapped a leash on Caesar. “I was planning to drop by Rick’s afterward. He’s giving me a horse and I thought you might help me pick it out.You know horses.Then I can drop you back here before I go to work.”
She smiled. “Is this a ploy to help me face my fear?”
“Maybe I just like your company.”
She laughed. “Now I know you’re up to something.”
He grinned. “It’s been a rough weekend. There’s strength in numbers.”
Hope sprang to her feet. “I’ll come!” She shoved her bare feet into small pink flip-flops that matched her shirt.
“Okay, we can finish your schoolwork later,” Gracie said. She followed him and Hope to the front door, where she paused to slide into her flip-flops. Her knee was still sore from the fall, but the exercise would do her good.
“Where are we going, Daddy?” Hope asked.
Gracie saw Michael’s eyes widen when Hope called him Daddy. They exchanged a smile.
“We’re going to visit the people who own this house.They raise horses.”
“Like they do at Bluebird Ranch?” Hope asked.
“Not exactly.These folks raise racehorses.”
“Ooo.” Hope clapped her hands.
The hot desert wind drove needles of sand against her bare legs. The murky sky to the west hinted of a sandstorm. Gracie buckled Hope into the backseat, then popped a DVD into the player for her before getting in the front with Michael.
Her lips were chapped, and she rooted in her purse for her lip gloss.When she couldn’t fi
nd it, she dumped the contents on the seat beside her.Ah, there it was. She glided on a coating of mint gloss, then began to put everything back in.
“What’s that?” Michael asked, glancing at the small brown leather book in her hand.
Her fingers tightened around the worn binding. “My dad’s New Testament.” Storing it in her purse had battered it even more than her father’s usage had. “He was a pastor.” She unsnapped the testament, and it fell open to Luke 15.
He glanced down again. “The Prodigal Son a favorite of yours?”
She fingered the fine paper. “It was my dad’s favorite passage of Scripture.”
“We’re all prodigals, really.”
She studied his square jaw. “Not you.You’re the good son who stayed home. Did his duty.”
He winced. “That guy wasn’t exactly the hero of the story, you know.”
“Sure he was. He didn’t hurt his dad.” She swallowed past the rock in her throat. “I’m the real prodigal, I guess. But there’s no homecoming for me.” She laughed, then realized how bitter she sounded.
“You sound flippant about that.”
“Not flippant, just resigned.”
“There’s always God. He’s always there waiting.”
She held up her hand. “Please, no sermon. I grew up sitting on the right side of the sanctuary in the second pew from the front. I’ve heard it all.” Caesar whined and pressed his wet nose against her neck. She nearly leaped from her seat at the shock of cold.When she patted the dog, he whined in her ear, then lurched back to fall across Hope’s lap.
“Let’s change the subject.” As she closed the testament, her gaze fell on the phrase “not worthy to be called your son.” That summed up the sense of inadequacy she struggled with most days. Not worthy.
She had no problem seeing herself in the prodigal son, but she could never go back home. All the regret in the world wouldn’t change how she’d broken her parents’ hearts, or how her pride had killed her mother.
FOR THE REST OF THE TRIP, GRACIE DIDN’T SPEAK A WORD TO HIM. Michael glanced at her set jaw.Was she remembering her dad, or was she thinking of something else? “This is it,” he said. The truck rolled through the gate.
Lonestar Homecoming Page 10
