Bittersweet Symphony

by J. L. Beck

  Then I realize Chelsea may have been giving the blow job, but I was thinking about Kennedy the whole time. Fuck, this girl has managed to get under my skin.

  “Can you do me now?” Chelsea’s voice interrupts my high and I growl out in anger.

  “No. I didn’t say I was going to give you shit in return. You snuck in here willingly and got on your knees for me. Maybe next time.” I give her a nice wink, hoping that will lessen the blow, but it’s doubtful. Chelsea is dramatic and I won’t hear the end of this.

  “You mean to tell me I got you off and I get nothing in return?” She sounds as if she’s shocked such words came from my mouth, that she can’t even fathom me saying such a cruel thing. Meanwhile, in reality, there is no agreement stating I had to help her reach hers. She came here and immediately sank to her knees. When a woman sinks to her knees in front of me, I take it as an invitation that I won’t decline.

  “You know the rules, Chelsea.” I was annoyed with her, beyond annoyed. I came here to lessen my stress, relieve my tension, but with her yacking, I was going to have to go back out there work my ass off again. Not worth the pussy.

  “You know what this is about!” she yells. Her fingers dig into my shoulder trying to turn me to face her. I whip on her faster than expected, gripping her wrist tightly in my hand.

  “Don’t touch me, unless I let you,” I snarl at her. Her face contorts in fear, and I release her wrist with a flick. Last time I fucking allow her in here.

  “This is about that Kennedy girl, isn’t it? I’ve seen you with her a couple times. Does she know you’re doing me on the side? She looks like a naïve little thing, bet she’s not as aggressive as me. You take your little nun and have your way, but don’t call me when she’s not submissive to your dominate nature.”

  Her spew of word vomit doesn’t affect me as much as hearing Kennedy’s name. We are not dating by any means, so technically I’m not cheating on her, but the fact that Chelsea noticed my interest in Kennedy makes me reevaluate my friendship with her. If I fall for her, it would be over, and I would be doomed.

  I’m not capable of loving or giving my all to someone. It isn’t that I can’t keep my dick in my pants because I can, but I’m not emotionally stable. Sometimes I have nightmares, and sometimes I’m aggressive by nature. Having Kennedy is like giving a bear that’s been in hibernation all winter its first taste of fish after months of nothing.

  One taste of her and I know I will destroy her. Hell, I have the potential to destroy her now. If I’m going down, I’m certainly not going to be bringing her with me.

  “Dude, what the fuck did you do to Chelsea?” my friend, Mike, asks across the shower stalls. I shake my head, running my fingers through my dripping wet hair.

  “It’s more so what I didn’t fuck,” I respond, getting out and wrapping a towel around my waist. No way am I going back to that now, not after the way she acted and marched out of here making a mockery out of herself.

  “I would’ve fucked her. Why would you pass that up?” His question hits me harder than I thought it would. The initial reason I passed up the chance is because I didn’t have a condom, but the more I think about it, the more I know it has everything to do with K. As much as I dread it, I need to go find her and talk to her.

  “She’s all yours bud,” I mumble while putting on my shirt and shorts. I slip my feet into my Nikes and head out of the gym. I have no idea what dorm room she’s in and that scares me. I didn’t pay enough attention to detail.

  My father’s words form in my mind immediately: Pay attention, Ryder. Attention to detail is important. It can be the difference between life and death. A failure, that’s what you are. A failure. A disgrace to this family and society.

  I shake away the horrifying images and the words once spoken to me, willing myself to forget the hurtful things if only for a moment. I need to find K, so I text the only person who would remotely have a clue as to where she is… Mimi.

  ***

  I pound on the door of Corey and Mimi’s apartment waiting for one of them to find their way to the door.

  “You know I’m getting really sick and tired…” I hear Mimi’s voice on the other side of the door as she swears up a storm about having to answer the door.

  But honestly, who else would answer it? No one would.

  “Are you coming in or not, because if not, I just wasted valuable time getting up and walking over here.” Ahh, the typical Mimi. I throw her a smile before strolling in.

  “I actually didn’t come here to talk to Corey or anything. I came here to talk to you.” I scratch at the back my head, nervous about the next words that will come out of my mouth.

  “I will not set you up with any of my friends, so if you’re here for that, I can show you out the same way you came in,” she snarls. She actually fucking snarled.

  “She always like this?” I ask Corey, looking over her shoulder. Mimi slaps me across the chest softly to bring my attention back down to her.

  “Down here, buddy. Now speak or get out because I’m not sharing my cookies.”

  “The answer to your question, man, is yes she is.” Corey responds, smiling at us. Just when I think Mimi can’t get any more violent than she is, she picks up a pillow, smacking Corey right upside the head with it.

  “Take it back. Now,” she growls at him. I can see the chemistry between them, the love. I can see it in Rex and Jenna too. All this time I sulked thinking that I wasn’t cared about, but looking around now, I realize I have some amazing friends.

  He shakes his head at her, and I know I’m going to have to step in here real soon. Mimi might be a short little thing, but I’m positive she can hold her own in a bar brawl.

  “What is it that you would like to discuss?” Her scrunched up nose and wrinkled forehead tell me she’s on the verge of a serious explosion.

  “I need to find Kennedy and talk to her, but I don’t feel like going through in knocking on every single door in the west, east, and south wings.” It’s not really my thing to draw attention to myself, so I need to at least get a general idea of where she is.

  “Wait a second… What are you doing with her, Ryder? Because so help me God, I will kill you if you hurt her.” Her finger pokes into my chest as she tries to make herself seem intimidating. Funny thing about Mimi is that she’s like a small, ankle biting dog; the initial bite might hurt, but her bark is nothing. And she does a whole lot of barking.

  “I won’t hurt her, Mimi.” I remove her hand from my chest. I know that statement is a lie. I won’t try to hurt Kennedy, but there’s never a guarantee in life that you won’t hurt someone. Sometimes things happen, and you have to let life runs its course. That’s what it’s all about: the pain, the love, the joy, the hurt. All those emotions make up life, and I’m ready to live.

  “You’re lying.” She questions me with an evil look in her eyes as she crosses her arms over her chest. She clearly doesn’t believe me, and I can’t really blame her. I’ve never done anything to prove I’m worthy of her trust. Plus I’m honestly not all that trustworthy.

  “I swear to you, Mimi, that I will never lay a hand on her. I…” I grit my teeth trying to make myself say the words. Did I care about her? Yes. Did I want to admit it? No. It is a weakness. However, to be weak in the presence of someone who cares about K as much as I do to get the answer I need is worth it, right?

  “I… I care about her deeply. I want to make sure she’s okay.” Mimi can see the anguish in my eyes, the vulnerability I expose by saying such a thing. If Corey’s listening, he doesn’t say anything, thankfully.

  Her mouth gapes open as if she’s in a state of utter shock. Her hand lands over her heart, and I wonder if she’s going to be okay.

  “Did… you just say you care about her?” I nod, gulping the saliva that has now built up in my throat. I’m totally being a pussy assed bitch right now, but I don’t care. I just want to find her and make it better. I don’t want to lose the one true friendship I have with someone bef
ore it even starts.

  “Uhh…” Mimi says grabbing at her head. “She lives in the east wing, room 212, I think.” The minute she rattles off the numbers, I send her a gracious thanks over my shoulder and head out the door.

  I take the stairs, burning off some adrenaline. God, I’m so fucking stupid. I regret very few things in my life, but I regret telling her to leave. She poured herself out to me, and I fucked up again.

  When will you get it right, son, when? How many times do I have to pound it into your head?

  I clench my teeth together as I clobber my fist on the wall. I hate him. I hate that he’s made me this way, and that I don’t feel like I’m good enough for anyone, that every choice I make isn’t right.

  “Why can’t I just live?” I roar out, my voice echoing off the walls. My breaths are heaving and my knuckles are busted open again. Fucking great.

  “You can if you let go of whatever it is that’s holding you back.” Kennedy’s voice vibrates through my body, singing to me. I turn around startled to see her, but happy at the same time. What’s she doing here? Probably coming to see Mimi.

  She gives me a shy smile as she walks down the remaining steps. Before I realize it, she’s directly in front of me, and it takes everything in me not to hold her to my body to hear her shallows breaths and feel her heart beat next to mine. Pussy… my ego taunts me.

  “You really should think about punching something much softer next time you want to lash out!” she exclaims, taking my hand in her small one to examine it.

  “Why would you do this to yourself?” She peers up at me over the rim of her glasses. A frown mars her beautiful face, and I hate to see it there. I especially hate that I put it there.

  “The pain. It makes it better,” I say hoarsely, grappling with the fact that I probably shouldn’t have said that. One question leads to others, and I don’t know if I have the strength to not tell her. Hell, I don’t think I have the strength to tell her.

  She lets out a quiet laugh, “Pain makes the anger better? Putting yourself through more hurt makes the hurt better? That is completely absurd.” She releases my hand, the warmth leaving me. Even in my darkest moments, I know Kennedy can pull me out of it. We all need someone in our lives like that who pull us from those moments when we have completely lost hope.

  “The pain reminds me that the hurt is real, Kennedy.” I try to hide the anger from my voice because I’m not mad at her. I’m mad at myself for being the bastard my dad always said I would be, for living up to his gracious beliefs of the person he wanted me to be.

  “Does your brother know about this? About what your dad did, or still does, to you?” I push her against the wall out of plain anger and rage. A gasp leaves her mouth. Would I hurt her? I can practically hear her heart beating out of her chest.

  “No one knows, just you and me,” I say menacing. All I see is blind rage right now, but yet my touch is gentle as I grip her chin to turn her to face me. Her lip is quivering in fear, and I start to hate myself for putting those walls back up.

  “You won’t be telling anyone will you?” I hate instilling this fear in her, but if I didn’t… then my secrets could escape.

  She shakes her head back and forth, small wisps of hair fall onto her forehead. I release her chin and slam my fist into the wall. Again, and again. I can feel her fear, tears leak from tightly closed eyes. I nestle myself into her neck, taking in her scent. She doesn’t shudder away from me, so I assume she’s okay. I thought wrong.

  “Don’t… Don’t touch me. I’ll scream.” She lets out a ragged sob out of fear, I’m sure. Her tears somehow bring me back to the surface and I gently grip her arms, holding her in place so she can’t escape me.

  “Please don’t hurt me,” she begs. I’m bewildered by her admission.

  “If I wanted to hurt you, K, I would,” I mumble into her hair.

  “Please…” she pleads with me, assuming that I could ever lay a hand on her. Then I remember everything she has been through with Sam.

  “K, look at me. I would never, in my entire life, lay a hand on your delicate body. I would never inflict any type of pain on you. I might get angry, and I might hit shit, but it will never be your beautiful face that my fist lands on.”

  Her eyes pop open, the deep, blue hue urging me to dive into her, to dissect her as a person, and figure out what makes her tick.

  “I care about you, Kennedy.” The sentence slips out of my mouth before I can stop it.

  She looks at me, mystified by the fact that I could care for someone. She’s not alone though, I can’t believe it either.

  “Well, I care about you too, Ryder, so I think you should tell your brother.” I bite my lip hard, the sting of my teeth digging into my lip as drops of blood pool in my mouth. I shake my head at her. I will never tell Rex. He has so much going for him, so much in life. I refuse to darken his life with my burdens. Plus, he would feel as if he’s to blame, and the last thing I need is pity.

  “Kennedy, you cannot tell him. You cannot tell anyone. If I want someone to know, I will tell them. It’s my secret to tell.” Her wide eyed stare tells me she understands me. We both have secrets, and it’s our choice to share them.

  “But…” she says, nibbling on her bottom lip. I take my finger and place it against her lips.

  “No but…”

  “I just want to help you,” she mutters against my finger. Her hot breath does something to my mind, clogging it with images of her under me, on me, on the table, in the shower… My lips descend on hers before I even realize what I’m doing. A squeak emits from her as she opens her mouth allowing my tongue to mingle with hers. I know it’s just a kiss, but the beast in me takes hold as I grip her face between my hands not allowing her to move one millimeter from me.

  We kiss with passion and aggression. She pushes to meet my lips, standing on her tip toes. I let out a loud groan as her teeth nip at my lip. I feel myself growing possessive of her.

  “Stop,” she says against my lips, a groan escapes her, and I question if she really wants me to stop. When her hand comes up to my chest to push me back softly, I know the line has been drawn. Down boy, down.

  Her lips look tender as she peers up at me. Her hair a sunshine mess.

  “Now what?” she asks curiously, pulling away from me. I can’t believe what I’m about to say, but I know after what I just did, I have to say it. It will happen one way or another; God has a funny way of bringing the right people into your life when you need them the most.

  “Now, we try,” I whisper into her hair, breathing in her unique scent.

  Kennedy

  I couldn’t believe Ryder when he said he wanted to try. I toss and turn in bed for hours over the course of three days, trying to figure out if there is a motive behind him wanting me. He doesn’t come off as someone who would use someone for his own ways, but neither do a lot of people.

  Pushing the covers off my legs, I sit up in bed. I peer over at my alarm clock, my eyes lingering on it for a long time. It is only seven A.M., but it’s also the last week of classes before Spring Break. I know I really need to get up and get ready for the day, but I just can’t bring myself to leave my nest of blankets. My phone dings on the night stand, so I look at it, secretly hoping it is Ryder but knowing it won’t be. Most men didn’t do mornings, and I suspect that he was no different.

  Opening the text, I see Mimi’s name. The text reads, “Wake up bitches! We’re going to the beach today.” I smile a little bit, finally knowing what it is like to actually have a friend. She and Jenna, have welcomed me with open arms. I’m not used to having friends who are willing to protect me, so it is hard getting used to someone being here for me. Now I couldn’t see a day without them.

  I text her back, letting her know I don’t do beaches, but that I will go for her. I sigh, taking note of the fact that there was a ton of noise taking place out in the hall. College dorms suck, whoever had the idea to squish hundreds of nineteen year olds into a small area had a death wis
h. Thank the ever loving Lord I lived alone.

  I slip out of bed and into a pair of sleep pants. Just as I am about to slip on my fuzzy slippers and venture out into the hall, someone knocks on my door. I am frozen in place as I try to figure out who it can be.

  Standing on my tip toes to peer through the hole in the door, I spot Ryder’s green eyes staring back at me. I pull the door open with an intensity that surpasses my own strength. It’s as if I’m beyond happy to see him and just want him to come inside.

  “Hi,” I say nervously. Ever since our encounter last week, I’ve been even more nervous around him. There’s so much about one another that we don’t know. Sometimes he’s so intense he scares me, and then there are times he’s so sweet I melt right in his hands.

  He looks at me as if I’m his whole world, as if me simply breathing and smiling makes him happy. The little things in life matter the most.

  “What are you doing today?” he asks, his gaze sweeping across my room. He’s never been in my room which makes me even more nervous. We’ve been alone numerous times, but that’s beside the point… It’s different once you become a couple. It’s as if everything changes, as if the looks get hotter and the kisses wetter.

  “Just… Nothing. Homework, classes… you know, the usual. Oh, and Mimi invited me to the beach.” I am nervous, but there’s no reason for it.

  He smiles, a dimple showing profusely. I want to reach up and poke at it with my finger, but I don’t think that would be acceptable.

  “Do you have to go to classes?” he questions. His voice is syrupy, causing my insides to melt. I am liquid every time he put the moves on.

  “I….” Did I really have too? Yeah… Did I want to? No! I want to go to class even less now that I have a man like Ryder standing in front of me.