“No, I don’t think you’ll let me stay.” I started to nod, but her next words stopped me. “Because you don’t get to let me do anything, asshole.” Any levity she had earlier fell as she climbed off me. “Look, can I promise you I won’t regret it? No, I can’t. No one could. But, I might also regret leaving. You don’t know.”
“You could probably find a job easier if you go East.” I wanted her to stay, more than anything, so why was I trying to convince her to go?
Because it’s what’s best for her, asshole.
Oh, right.
Naomi shrugged. “In this economy it’ll be hard anywhere. Besides, when have I ever let anything stop me? I’ll just work harder. I’d do that… for you.”
“Naomi…”
“I know what some people would say. You have the feminists who’ll tell me not to follow a man, to focus on my career, yada yada yada”—she paused to wave a hand around—“but then you have the romantics who’ll tell me love matters most. That, in the end, a job won’t keep me warm at night and tell me it loves me.” Naomi threw her hands out to the side in a defeated manner.
“Who’s to say what’s right? There are all these rules and ideologies that are apparently right but, in the end, I think it has to boil down to doing what I want. Because I will never please everybody.” She stepped forward once more and held my face. “But you know me,” she implored. “Better than anyone. Would I do this if I wasn’t absolutely sure?”
No, she wouldn’t. But I still felt unsettled. I looked up to see Naomi frowning, and in an uncharacteristic moment of uncertainty, she said, “I know you said you loved me, and you didn’t want to break up if I left, but… but was that not a long-term thought?” She laughed, uncomfortable with her show of emotion, and it came out strangled. “Apparently I can’t tell anymore.”
She moved to take her hands off me, but I quickly stood, cupping her cheeks and leaning forward. “Long term is all I’ve thought about.” She let out a breath of relief. “I’m sorry I made you think anything else. My hesitation has nothing to do with me and how I feel. I just want you to be sure.”
“I am,” she said with confidence, and absolutely zero hesitation.
Nodding, I lowered my head until our lips were within an inch of each other. “Good. Because you’re as long term as it gets,” I whispered once more before sealing my mouth over hers, just like we sealed our future.
One minute it felt like I was suffocating. I was staring into his eyes, throwing everything on the table, annoyingly nervous that I’d misinterpreted a relationship again, when I felt two warm palms cover my cheeks. My semi-wide eyes took in Damien’s soft expression as he assuaged my fears. He leaned down and kissed me, softly, like if he put any pressure on me I’d break.
I wouldn’t. And he was part of the reason why. Not because of who he was, and not because we were together and suddenly everything was perfect. No, it wasn’t anything as idealistic as that. It was a few choice words exactly when I needed to hear them. It was about how he taught me to think, to love, to trust.
He pulled away and I watched as his hand descended from my cheek, down my throat to finally rest at my collarbone. And the way he looked at me made me feel breathless all over again. He looked at me with so much want, my legs shook. There was no need in his expression, and I was grateful. I didn’t want to be needed. I wanted it to be his choice. Needing someone wasn’t romantic. It took away your choice. It was shoving something in your face and telling you I hope you enjoy this person, because you don’t have a say in the matter.
No. I didn’t want that. I wanted the extreme look of want in his eyes. Not a look that said he couldn’t live without me, but a look that said he didn’t want to.
He was still staring at me that way as he grabbed my hand and guided me toward his bedroom. Once we were inside, standing at the foot of the bed, he slowly unbuttoned my shirt, his fingers softly grazing my skin as he went. Time stood still as he finished undressing me before he removed his own clothes. I felt light and whole as he laid me on his mattress.
My problems and worries weren’t gone, but they felt lighter because I had someone to share them with. Damien made me see that things were always heavier when you held them alone. I had let these feelings strangle and hold me down until they nearly crushed me. I’d tried to control everything for so long that I hurt myself more than the chaos around me ever could.
Damien lowered himself over me, taking care not to crush me, and began kissing his way down my body. Stopping on certain parts he loved most: my breast, the random freckle on my hip, my clit—I sucked in a harsh breath at the delicate touch of his lips there—but he kept going, all the way to my toes. There were many stops; he said it was because he loved every part of me. I smiled at that as he made his way back up, sighing in contentment as his mouth spent more time between my legs.
He made love to me the same way he looked at me: with want. He didn’t rush like a man who was dying, but he savored, like a man who was loving and wanted to remember it all.
A smile pulled at my mouth right before his lips came down on mine again.
Nothing had ever felt more like home.
…
It was finally graduation day. And this time, as I waited anxiously in my seat, I knew everyone I loved was here. They were too far away to make out clearly, but I knew it. My necklace rested proudly between my collarbones as I sat straight in my chair and thought about everyone in the stands who would be cheering for me.
Derek. Alara. Sherry. Damien. Ellie. Sam. Gabe. Mark… and my mother. She’d made it.
The scare from a week ago was still fresh, but we’d made a lot of progress. I wouldn’t be able to predict everything that life would throw my way, but I knew I wouldn’t run from it again. I wouldn’t shut people out and I wouldn’t tamp down my emotions. I’d feel everything and love everyone, despite the shitty parts of life. I’d alter my goals and rearrange my life if it meant the people I cared about were happy as well. I’d try hard and attack life with everything I had, and maybe, with a little luck, I’d get everything I wanted.
The ceremony was excruciatingly long, in large part because we were outside in the Arizona heat, and when it ended I flew into the crowd. Standing on my tiptoes to see past the other happy families in search of my own.
When I finally saw them, I ran. I ran toward them, toward my future, toward the chaos.
I launched myself into Damien’s arms first, not even caring that I almost crushed the flowers he’d brought.
“Are you happy to see me or something?” he asked around a laugh as he brought his arms around me, holding me as tightly as he did every time he got me in his arms.
I shrugged and pulled away. “Maybe a little.” We met in the middle for a quick, gentle kiss that still lit my heart on fire, just like every other kiss we shared.
“Congratulations,” he said when we were forced apart by Derek’s heckling. Both of us were laughing as he put me down so I could hug everyone else. I could barely fit my arms around Ellie, who, for such a tiny woman, had a pretty decent-sized belly at almost six months.
“Woah. Are you sure it’s just one baby?” I asked with a laugh.
“Oh God, don’t even joke about that,” she said with a pale face.
“Yes, please don’t,” her brother added gruffly, but he was smiling. And I couldn’t help but return it because it was my favorite smile. One that seemed to make everything right in the world, even if it was just for a moment.
Derek’s hug lasted longer than normal. I found he was doing that a lot lately. I was pretty sure he still felt guilty, but I really wasn’t angry. I’d needed those words, even as much as they hurt. I’d locked everything up so tight, I’d needed an equally hard bulldozer to knock it all down.
“No one ever had a better sister,” he whispered. I pulled back with a smile.
“Thank you… for everything. I needed all of it.”
He squeezed my shoulders before turning me around to face the last
two people who stood to the side. After a quick hug from Mark and a few general words of encouragement, he smiled at my mother and joined the others.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t bring you anything. They only allowed me enough time to make it here.” She shrugged and extended her empty arms. I waved away her concern, she had everything I’d wanted from her. Her alive, her sober and clean. Her trying. I easily stepped into her arms and held her tight.
“I love you, Mom.”
“Oh, sweetie,” she said on an exhale. “You have no idea.”
I pulled away and looked toward Alara, who already had the jewelry box out and ready. Taking it from her, I gave her a huge smile that she returned before facing my mother once more.
“I actually have something for you.”
My mom’s mouth opened in surprise as she took the box. “Oh, no. It shouldn’t be this way. I’m supposed to give you something.”
“You will.” Her brows twisted in confusion. “Just open it and I’ll explain,” I said gently.
She carefully lifted the lid, revealing a rose gold bar bracelet just wide enough for the two small words I’d had engraved into it.
“Naomi…”
“That’s what you can give me,” I said, looking down at the bracelet and the words engraved there, one day. “I want that one day,” I said in earnest, feeling tears in my eyes. When I glanced back up at her, I saw her own tears and knew she understood what I was talking about. “You were clean for eight months, so I know you’re strong enough to give it to me. To all of us.” I grazed my fingers over it. “I just wanted you to have a reminder. In case you ever forgot.”
She quickly placed the lid back on the box and thrust it away from her, someone grabbing it. Mark, Derek, anyone could have taken it from her, I wouldn’t know, I was too focused on her. One second I was looking into her eyes and the next I was pulled back into her embrace.
“Thank you.” She barely managed to get those two words out before she started crying. Not full-on sobs, but soft cries that still prevented speech.
We said no more as we stood there hugging and crying, surrounded by cheers and laughter. But we were just as happy. I stood there with my mother, on the precipice of my future, and I let go. The anger of my past and the worry of the future, I let it all go. I just stood, and enjoyed the now.
…
We split up in the parking lot. Alara, Sher, and I were headed back to our apartment to have a couple hours to ourselves before we met up with everyone (minus my mom) for dinner. Sherry’s graduation was yesterday and Alara’s was two days from now, so we decided to celebrate on mine, in the middle of everything.
Damien and Ellie were kind enough to bring my mom back to the center. As much as Mark wanted to, and he looked downright distraught at not being able to, he had to go back to work. She waved away his concern with a kiss, and I smiled when she brought her hand up to cup his cheek, her new bracelet winking at me from the kiss of the sun.
Derek and Sam suggested lunch, which Gabe reluctantly agreed to while he pouted about being dragged along and away from Alara.
“That boy is seriously in love with you,” Sherry said as the three of us stepped through the front door of our place.
“I know,” Alara responded with a proud smile as a blush covered her cheeks. Sherry rolled her eyes and laughed.
“We’re done,” Alara said suddenly. “I can’t believe we’re really done,” she continued, her voice laced with awe.
“It does feel a little surreal,” Sherry agreed as she sat down on our couch. None of us were leaving but we knew it would be completely different. I’d be in law school. Sher would be starting med school. And Alara…
My brows puckered—she hadn’t told me any progress on the job hunt.
“You never mentioned if you found a job…” She smiled and looked down at her lap. “Holy shit.” My eyes widened. “You’re holding out on us.” I enthusiastically slapped her arm a few times.
“Hey.” Alara laughed as she pulled away from me and ran to sit down next to Sher.
“Well…” I hmmmed impatiently.
“Two things.” She held up two fingers as she bounced in her spot. “One, I got a job. It’s not a big deal. But one of my old professors said she was really impressed with me and would love if I came back, so she offered me an entry-level job in one of her labs.”
“That’s awesome.” Sherry wrapped her arms around Alara, while I held back, waiting for update number two.
“And what else?”
She blushed harder. “And I’mmovinginwithGabe.”
“Really?” I shrieked. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
Shrugging, she said, “We were waiting for the right time. And we never really talked about what we’d do when our lease was up in June…” She trailed off, looking guilty. I sat on the table in front of her and knocked knees.
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll figure something out. This is such great news!”
“Maybe you could move in with Damien…” She wiggled her eyebrows.
“I’m sure he wouldn’t object to that suggestion,” Sherry agreed. She looked between us, something akin to sad envy in her eyes at the discussion of our boyfriends.
“Maybe—” I was cut off by Sher’s phone going off. It was the special ringtone she had for notifications that came from the news. She never talked about what she tracked, but she looked nervous when she checked them, and she always did so immediately. This time our friend looked sad and defeated when she got up and walked to her bag across the room.
Alara turned to me, looking worried. “What do you think—?” she’d started in a whisper only to be silenced by Sherry’s loud gasp.
“Oh God.” We immediately stood and walked toward our friend. She was staring at her phone, tears in her eyes.
“He’s alive,” she whispered in awe as she stroked the screen. Smiling and sobbing, she said again, “He’s alive.”
“What? Who?” Alara asked.
Sher wasn’t here with us. She was lost in whatever was happening on her phone. “Oh my god… he’s alive. Hunter’s alive.”
“Who’s Hunter?” I asked. Sher closed her eyes, a disbelieving smile on her lips. When she opened them, I saw a world of emotion.
“He’s everything.”
“If I meet one more person from the East Coast who says, and I quote”—I paused to make bunny ears with my fingers—“but it’s a dry heat,” I finished in a whiny, high pitch, and no doubt annoying voice. “I’m going to punch him or her in the face.”
My mother chuckled as she put on her shoes. We’d just gotten through airport security and everyone had been extra friendly and oddly opinionated when they saw my University of Carillo tank top.
“Well, it is a dry heat.”
I shot her a glare. “I don’t know why that’s preferable.”
“It’s better than—”
I cut her off. “There is no better. At a certain point, it all just sucks. Can you really say getting in your car when it’s one hundred and ten and burning your thighs on your seats, driving with your pinkies for the first ten minutes because the steering wheel is too hot, or practically scalding your fingers on the seat belt buckle if you accidentally touch it, is better?”
I couldn’t keep the scowl on my face as I looked at my mom’s bright eyes and radiant smile.
It had been two months since I graduated. Two whirlwind months filled with lots of changes for me and those I loved.
Eight weeks ago, right after Sherry received that notification about Hunter, she took off. We didn’t know where she was going or what was going on, but she promised she’d tell us when she returned. But she didn’t know that either, so for now, we were just in the dark. Which sucked because when she’d taken trips in the past that corresponded to those ominous alerts from her phone, they never extended beyond a week, and now, she’d been gone for eight. Alara and I were worried, but luckily we were both afforded a distraction.
We were no longe
r roommates—just under a month ago, my best friend and I handed in our keys to our landlord. It was a sad moment that quickly turned exciting as we both stepped into our new places… with our boyfriends. Alara and Gabe decided to get their own apartment, leaving Derek looking for a roommate again, while I temporarily moved in with Damien and Ellie. We were looking for a larger place, too. Between me and the new baby, it seemed necessary. Some might consider the move fast, but it also felt incredibly right.
And after spending so much time together over the past month, leaving him a week ago had been surprisingly difficult. Seven days ago, I’d smiled up at him as Mark and my mom chatted a few feet away.
“I’m gonna miss you,” I whispered.
“Yeah?” he murmured as he kissed the corner of my mouth. “What are you gonna miss most?” He moved his kisses across my cheek to my ear before migrating south. Damien was sucking on my collarbone when he repeated the question. My eyes had closed and my head had fallen back.
“Huh? Oh… uhh… your… thing.”
My boyfriend chuckled before leaning back. “My thing?”
“What?” My voice was a little breathless as I opened my eyes and lifted my head.
“You said you’re going to miss my ‘thing.’”
“I did not,” I huffed.
“Yeah, you kinda did,” my mom had chimed in with a laugh.
“Yes, and trust me, we both wish you hadn’t.” Mark grunted, once again showing me the fatherly affection I’d become accustomed to over the past few months.
The two of them started toward the outside baggage checkpoint, and I’d moved to follow when Damien gripped my hips and pulled me close, undoubtedly feeling his “thing” as he stared down into my eyes.
“I’ll miss you, too,” he said solemnly, no trace of humor in his voice. Nodding shakily, I rose up on my tiptoes and pressed my lips gently to his.
“Naomi, we gotta go!” my mom yelled. We broke apart and looked over to see they’d checked the bags, including mine. I turned back toward Damien as they said goodbye at the doors.
Unveiling Chaos Page 28
