“It’s good to see you like this,” Max put in once the din had died down. “We need laughter in a room like this. Most days, we just sit here and not talk to one another and pretend that everything’s going to be okay. Yeah, everything damn well better be okay, but it’s nice to see that sometimes it can be.”
Murphy studied his friend from childhood that had become an even better friend now. He didn’t know how Max did it every day, with what was racing through his system, but the man always had a positive head on his shoulders. He did everything he could every day to strive to be a better person for his fiancée and for their unborn child. Seeing Max be who he was with such a careless grace had perhaps changed the way Murphy saw his own disease. If Max could be this kind of person despite everything coming at him, maybe Murphy could try to be something similar. He had to credit Max and some of the other patients in this room for just being. Without seeing them strive for a better life even while sick, Murphy wasn’t sure he would have done everything he’d done over these past few weeks. He had fallen for his best friend and roommate because he’d given himself that chance. Had things not gone as they did, he might have been too worried about the consequences of what could happen if things went wrong to continue, and would have stayed far away, doing nothing because he thought that it was a safer option. He had been wrong for as long as he had known Tessa because he hadn’t let her be a part of his life.
Maybe it was the fact that he was staring down his own mortality that he kept thinking about what people in his life truly meant to him. Without his brothers and their wives and husband, Murphy knew he wouldn’t be the same man today. He had gone into this whole experience being scared. But looking at his sickness as a journey to get through, he could see an end in sight and something he could live for, rather than an end to the journey he couldn’t escape. Because of the cancer, the timing of everything had accelerated to the point where he still wasn’t sure that the fact that he had cancer again to begin with had even truly hit him yet. He was just going day by day, trying to get healthy, trying to keep his family in the loop without harming them in the process. He tried to keep working and looking at his business as something he could be part of for years to come. And he tried to see himself in the future with a woman he hadn’t let himself fall in love with until he had broken down the barriers that had kept him safe and alone for so long.
And maybe all of this was just a little too much, and his chemo was making him hallucinate to the point where he was having some very deep thoughts that should’ve scared him and yet only pushed him to keep going. To fight. To live.
“We all need a reason to smile. Every damn day.”
Tessa squeezed his hand, and he turned to her. “You need to introduce me to Abby,” she whispered fiercely. “We’ve only seen each other in passing, and now it’s awkward.”
He winced, pulling his thoughts out of self-revelation and into the present, then he turned to Max. “I think we kind of forgot to introduce our women to each other.”
“Our women?” Tessa, asked her voice rising at the end. “Caveman much?”
Murphy let out a small growl. “Be quiet, woman, before I pull your hair and drag you off to my cave later.”
She fluttered her lashes. “Oh, really? How dreamy? I’ve always wanted a big, bad caveman to knock me over the head and treat me like a little woman.” He knew she was joking considering that he never really acted like a controlling jackass around her, but she had also been through hell with her ex, so he had to tread lightly. “Anyway, hi, Abby, I’m Tessa, Murphy’s girlfriend. I saw you out in the waiting room a couple of times, but I really didn’t know if you were Max’s wife or not.”
Abby waved from her seat, not letting go of Max’s hand. “Hi, it’s good to finally actually meet you, Tessa. Max’s been talking to me about you from what he knows from Murphy and what he’s seen himself when you’ve been around the clinic. I’m glad that we’re both here today to celebrate Murphy’s last treatment.”
“I hope the boys have been telling you good things,” Tessa said wryly. “I’d hate to have to start kicking.”
“I bruise, baby, be gentle.” Murphy lifted their joined hands and pressed a kiss to her skin.
She rolled her eyes. “I always am.” She paused. “Well, only if you ask nicely.”
The others in the room laughed again, and Murphy relaxed into the chair, feeling as though he were hanging out with friends, not waiting for the drugs in his body to fight the cancer that had tried to take over.
He should have known something would happen to change it all.
He should have fucking known.
Max and Abby talked about their upcoming wedding as Tessa added bits of advice that she’d picked up from helping plan Liz’s. Liz herself came in to check on everyone a few times, along with Murphy’s nurse. They were busy that day, so Murphy didn’t have time to stop and chat with Liz.
A sense of foreboding crawled up Murphy’s spine as he looked at Max and frowned. The other man was rubbing his chest, a grimace on his face as he blinked quickly. Max looked over at Murphy, his eyes wide before he turned back to Abby. Max’s fiancée’s smile fell as she stared at the other man before she stood up, her face pale.
“Max?” she said quietly, her voice a rasp.
Murphy’s friend didn’t respond.
“Max? Max!” Abby shook Max’s shoulders, but the other man just slumped down.
“Liz!” Murphy called out, practically screaming. Tessa was on her feet and running out of the room before he could even look at her, and Murphy tried to unhook himself from his IV so he could help his friend. Not that he knew what he could do, but he couldn’t just fucking sit there when something was wrong.
The others in the room were either trying to do the same as he was or looking as shell-shocked as he felt.
This couldn’t be happening.
This couldn’t be fucking happening.
Doctors, nurses, and staff rushed into the room at that moment, Tessa on their heels. They surrounded Max, blocking Murphy’s view. Someone came over to Murphy’s chair and checked his IV in his arm while unhooking it from the lounger.
“We need the space,” the young nurse said. Maybe she was a nurse, perhaps she was a lab tech. He honestly didn’t know, but he stood up with Tessa by his side and went to stand by another chair so those who knew what they were doing could help.
“What’s going on?” he asked, his voice was hoarse.
“Let them work, Mr. Gallagher. Just remain calm so you don’t hurt yourself.”
Murphy went numb, his body no longer hot or cold…it just was.
Tessa gripped his hands, but she hadn’t said a thing. Her face had gone so pale he thought she might be sick, but she didn’t stay anything. She just stared blankly at where the staff tried to work on Max.
Things moved quickly after that. Somehow, there were enough people on hand to move everyone out of the room and into other parts of the clinic where they could continue their treatments. One of the nurses had pulled out Murphy’s IV since he was finished, but he didn’t leave the spot where he stood. His body ached, and his stomach turned violently, but he couldn’t move.
Then the sound of a keening wail hit his ears, and everything went blank.
Abby.
That was Abby.
“That poor girl,” Ester from her seat beside Murphy and Tessa. “Life just isn’t fair to the young ones.”
Someone else said something, but Murphy couldn’t hear them. He could only focus on the door in front of him and pray that it was all a mistake. Max had just been smiling and laughing with them.
He couldn’t be dead.
He couldn’t.
Then Liz walked through the doorway, her eyes shiny, and her mouth set in a firm line. When she shook her head, Murphy needed to sit down. His world crashed from beneath his feet, and the reality of what had just happened and what could still happen smashed into him.
Max was dead.
Abby
was breaking.
Murphy was still here.
And Tessa? He looked over at the woman he loved and tried to figure out what to say, but she just stood next to him, her arms wrapped around her middle as she listened to Abby’s cries. She hadn’t said a word, and Murphy wasn’t sure there was anything to say.
Cancer had taken another victim.
And Murphy was still here.
What kind of fairness was that?
17
Death wasn’t supposed to be pretty. It wasn’t supposed to be pure. But Tessa had thought it would be something. Knowing the end had come to someone she’d begun to truly like and admire should have done something to her body, right? To her mind? She should have felt grief or fear or hate or sadness or something.
Instead, she was just numb.
Murphy’s friend from childhood, the same friend who had been there through all of Murphy’s illnesses was gone, and there was nothing anyone could do.
Abby would have to have their baby without Max. She’d have to raise their child without its father. She’d never get her wedding after all this time.
Max was gone.
And Tessa had no idea what to do.
“Tessa?”
Murphy’s voice brought her out of her thoughts and back into the present. They had come home soon after Liz had walked into the room to let them know that Max had passed away. Though Liz hadn’t been able to say what had happened to Max, Tessa was sure they would find out soon.
“Yes?” Her voice sounded crisp, short, and she was pretty sure that it had been the first time she’d spoken since she’d run from the room to tell Liz that something was wrong with Max.
Murphy gave her a weird look and looked down at his phone. “Abby just texted.” He swallowed hard, and Tessa told herself to go to him but she couldn’t. She was so damned scared. “They think Max had a blood clot that moved to his heart, and his heart was already weak from all the shit they’ve put into his body over the years.”
Murphy didn’t add that he too had gone through similar treatments.
That he too could get a blood clot.
That he could leave her with just a gasp of breath and a set of wide eyes on a pale face.
“They’ll know more later, and Abby said she’d tell us if we wanted to know, but yeah…a fucking blood clot. It’s a danger to all of us on the meds we’re on, but most of us put that thought aside, you know? Because no matter what, we’re still going to fight. As long as we can, at least. We’re facing cancer, so the idea that a blood clot can take us seems so arbitrary. Fuck, Tessa. I can’t believe he’s gone.”
Tessa didn’t say anything, she wasn’t sure she could.
“Tessa?” Murphy’s voice sounded closer, and she forced herself to look up to find him standing in front of her. They weren’t touching, but they were close enough to do so easily if they reached out.
Only neither of them did.
“Max died,” she whispered, her voice hollow. “How…why is that right? Why did he have to die?” She blinked up at him, tears finally stinging her eyes. “I keep asking myself these questions, and yet in the back of my mind, all I can do is be thankful that it wasn’t you today. How horrible am I? A man is dead, and all I can think about is the fact that you aren’t. Max isn’t going to watch his child be born. He’s not going to be there for everything that happens in that child’s life. Abby isn’t going to be able to say her vows and be with the man she loves. Ever. All that is gone in the blink of an eye, and yet some part of me knows we should have been thinking about an outcome like this the whole time. He had cancer. You have cancer. You could leave me, leave us, and it would be out of your control. Everything just seems out of our control. And yet all I can do right now is be happy that it wasn’t you. What kind of monster feels happiness that someone else is dead? Maybe it’s not happiness. Maybe it’s relief. And, somehow, that feels even worse. A man died, and all I can do is think about how you are here, yet you could’ve been the one to die.”
Tessa closed her eyes, putting her hands over her face so she wouldn’t have to look into Murphy’s eyes after she’d rambled all the horrid things going through her mind. And the thing was, she hadn’t even been aware she’d been feeling those things until she blurted it all out for him to hear. She wouldn’t be surprised if he packed up and left her right then.
And frankly, she wouldn’t blame him.
With those words, she’d become the person she hated once again, the person she’d thought she had buried down deep after her mom had gotten hurt because of her. Apparently, she hadn’t grown up much, after all. She was still the same Tessa that hurt others because she was afraid of being hurt.
Only she was hurting right now, and she had no idea what to do about it.
Murphy reached out and cupped her face. “You aren’t a horrible person.” He swallowed hard, and she saw the sheen in his eyes. Damn it, he couldn’t cry, or she wouldn’t make it. “Baby, none of us were expecting what happened, and however you’re feeling is okay. We all respond to grief differently, and if your response that you figured out what you’re feeling for me and that you want me to be part of your life, that’s okay, too. None of us are perfect, Tessa. We are human. We are fragile. That’s why we were at the clinic today. I don’t think it’s sunk in yet that Max is gone. He just came back into my life, and I had thought we would be able to survive together. I don’t know what’s coming next, but whatever it is, I don’t want to do it without you.”
Tears were falling freely down Tessa’s cheeks now. She wasn’t numb anymore. “I was so scared. I’m still scared. I just found you. I just let you in. I just figured out what kind of man you are and how much you mean to me. I should have known that far earlier than this. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you, Murphy.” She was baring her soul to him, and she prayed that he would understand; that he would take what she had to give and find a way to make it work.
“I’m scared, too. I’m scared every damn day that somehow this is going to be my last. I was scared even before I found the bruises. I spent so much of my life early on just trying to have another day that I forgot to figure out who Murphy is. Then, when I finally started to figure that out, life hit me upside the head again. Or maybe not life. Maybe that was fate just reminding me that sometimes you have to look backward before you can move forward. I’m scared every time I have to work, and I find out that I’m not strong enough to be the Gallagher I was before this. I’m scared every time I go into the clinic that they’ll say that the cancer is worse and that my treatments have to get harsher and even more complicated. I’m scared that because my body doesn’t look like I’m going through chemo and that cancer’s inside me, I’m going to forget to fight. And then I’m scared that I’m putting everything into a single word: fight, while those who lose their lives to cancer fought just as hard as I did. I’m scared because it’s not a matter of fighting, it’s a matter of medicine and luck, and everything else is out of our control. Through it all, though, I’m scared that I’m not going to have you by my side. Hell, I’m scared how much I need you by my side. You fell into my life at the same time as I fell into yours, and I feel like everything moved so fast, and yet it’s not moving fast enough. So, yes, it’s okay to be worried about me. It’s okay to be relieved that it wasn’t me lying in that chair today. Because I’m thankful, too. Yet I’m broken up like jagged shards of memory and pain because a man that I called my friend, a man who was truly a better person than I could ever hope to be is gone.”
They were both crying then, and Tessa didn’t know what to do so she wrapped her arms around him and just held him close.
“I love you,” she whispered, the words forced out of her in a rush. She hadn’t meant to tell him that, not yet, maybe not for a long while. She had wanted to make sure those words were true, wanted to make sure she wasn’t just over-feeling things. But she loved this man. “I love you so damn much, Murphy Gallagher, and I can’t lose you.”
“Jesus Christ,
Tessa. I love you so damn much, too. I’ve been trying to think about how to tell you all day, and then everything went to shit, and I was afraid if I told you now, you’d think it was because of what happened. But damn it, baby, I love you. I love you so much. I never thought I’d feel this way, and I tried my best not to fall for you because you’re my best friend.”
“And your roommate,” she teased, her body shaking. The ups and downs of the day were taking their toll on her, so she just held onto Murphy, doing her best not to hyperventilate with all she was feeling.
He smiled down at her, tears mixed with sheer happiness in his eyes. “And your roommate.” He leaned down and kissed her, and she melted into him, needing him closer and never wanting to let go.
This isn’t who I was before, she thought. She’d never thought she would crave a man as much as she did Murphy. She needed him in her body and soul. Yet it felt as though it had been the right thing all along because she wasn’t merely giving herself to him, he was giving himself to her in return.
This wasn’t like before, this wasn’t like her controlling ex or Brent or any of the men she’d casually dated in the past.
This was Murphy.
And he was everything.
He ran his hand through her hair and hugged her tightly. “I…I need you,” he whispered. “I need to hold you, to be with you. I need to remember this day not for what was taken, but for what can come from us. Are you up for that?” He kissed her again, his touch tentative, sweet. “Tell me what you’re thinking?”
She went up on her tiptoes in answer and kissed him again. “I need you, too. I need to remember what it feels like to have you in my arms and inside me. I need…I just need.”
And with that, he tugged her back to her bedroom and slowly stripped her out of her clothes as she did the same to him. There were no words needed as they kissed and touched. There would be time for words later, time for grief over what was lost. For now, they only had each other, and their touches and caresses were proof of that.
Hope Restored (Gallagher Brothers Book 3) Page 15
