by Hughes, Maya
“Don’t think I haven’t seen the way you look at her.” His whispered words dripped with a silent threat.
My stomach knotted. Drunken Colm was likely to do some serious damage if he knew Liv was in my bed. This was a conversation we needed to have in person, sober. I swallowed past the lump in my throat.
Dead silence from his end, and then he let out a deep sigh. “Listen, I’m sorry. There are some lines even you wouldn’t cross.” The anger evaporated from his voice in an instant. “This shit with my knee has messed me up. Every time I put on my skates, I’m freaked out I’ll tweak my knee again. Eloise blindsides me, and now Olivia’s dropped off the face of the planet. I can’t handle all this at once.”
I stayed silent. What the hell was I supposed to say?
“All this crap out here’s got me thinking about what happened with Felicity. It wasn’t your fault, just sucks I lost to someone who didn’t even know he was in the race. Fuck, I’m so drunk.”
Some of the tightness in my chest ebbed away. That was the first time he’d said those words, it wasn’t your fault. And that would all be erased once he found out. The vise grip in my chest was back with a vengeance.
“Just get some sleep. It will all look better in the morning.”
“You’re right. Sorry for waking you up. Head back to your latest conquest and have some fun. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Later.”
I ended the call and stood in the middle of the sidewalk a couple blocks from my building, frozen like roots had grown out of the bottoms of my shoes. Liv was upstairs nice and warm in my bed. I wanted to rush back up there like I hadn’t just had that call. In the light of day with the sun rising over the horizon and peeking out from between the buildings, my fuckup slammed into me so hard it nearly knocked me off my feet.
I’d hurt him once without even meaning to, but Liv had been anything but a mistake. It wasn’t like we’d fallen into this. I’d gone for her, couldn’t get enough of her. Maybe if we’d waited, if I’d been able to hold off until repairing my relationship with Colm, then he’d be able to accept Liv and me. He may be realizing I wasn’t a prick for sleeping with Felicity, but there was no way in hell he’d forgive me for sleeping with Liv. Not in his current emotional state. This wasn’t something I’d be able to come back from.
The slicing, bitter cold from the winter had eased up, but the wind tunnel between the buildings still churned. I walked the last steps to my place. My hands were still full with Liv’s breakfast, so I shouldered open the front door of the building. My phone vibrated again, and I took a deep breath. Please not another drunk Colm call.
My eyebrows furrowed when I spotted the name on my screen.
“Grant?” I stood in the lobby of my building balancing my breakfast haul.
“Morning, big brother.”
“Why are you calling me so early?”
“You always bitch about me not telling you when I’m coming over, so here’s your warning. I got stranded on this side of town last night.”
“You’re coming to my place? Where are you right now?”
“At your front door. I’m coming in.”
My stomach dropped.
I burst through the lobby and took the steps two at a time to get to my floor. Hot coffee and orange juice sloshed onto my hand. This was not how I wanted him to find out. Damn it! The door to my apartment was cracked. Shoving it open, I skidded to a stop inside. I threw the bag and cups onto the table beside the door.
Grant stood in the middle of the living room, Liv a few steps from him, wearing one of my T-shirts that hung to her knees.
He slowly turned to me, his nostrils flaring and a watery sheen over his eyes. Betrayal burned so bright it singed my skin.
“You’re fucking Liv?”
26
Liv
The front door opened. “What took you so long? I’m freaking starving.” I bounded down the stairs and turned the corner to the kitchen. “A certain somebody wore me out last night.” Skidding to a stop, my body tensed, my smile falling off my face as I locked eyes with Grant.
He stood beside the kitchen, about to toss his keys onto the counter. They dropped to the floor with a muted thud. His eyes widened as he took me in. His gaze dropped to my feet and traveled up my body. I crossed my arms around my waist, folding in on myself. Like that would help. There was no mistaking why I was there and what I’d done.
The door flew open again, and Ford burst into the apartment. His eyes were wild and bounced from me to Grant.
“You’re fucking Liv?” The pain in Grant’s voice stung like a thousand paper cuts.
I dropped my head and squeezed my eyes shut. This wasn’t how he should’ve found out.
He turned back to me. The tears in his eyes sliced straight through me. “You’re sleeping with him?” His voice cracked.
I opened my mouth, but the words died in my throat.
“After everything I told you? After how he hurt you? And now you’re sleeping with him?”
“It just happened. We didn’t mean for it to.” I winced. The lie was clear even to my own ears. I closed the gap between us, but Grant backed up.
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Grant, calm down. We can work this out.” Ford took a step farther into the room.
“Work what out?” Grant whipped around, jabbing his finger toward Ford. “You knew how I felt about her. I told you and you still did this.”
“We didn’t do this to hurt you.” Ford stepped close with his palms up.
“We? You’re a we now? How long has this been going on? How long have you two been laughing behind my back when I’ve come to you asking for advice?” Grant’s words bounced off the rafters. His chest rose and fell, and his hands opened and closed into fists at his sides.
“I’d never do that.” Ford’s eyes pleaded with him.
“There are a lot of things I thought you’d never do.” Grant turned his head and stared straight through me.
My stomach knotted, and I stood there wishing I could disappear into a puff of smoke.
“I never meant to hurt you. I… What you shared with me—I never laughed at you. It was never like that. I know how hard it is growing up with someone like them.” I nodded toward Ford.
“Then what was it like? It didn’t stop you from falling into bed with him.” He blinked back tears.
My shoulders sagged.
“Let’s talk about this.” Ford put his hand on Grant’s shoulder.
He shrugged it off. “What’s there to talk about? Once again, you’ve proven to me that I’m second best and always will be.” He dropped his head and peered over at me. The hurt in his eyes slammed into my stomach. Things were never supposed to go this way.
“I’m sorry.” The words caught in my throat.
The muscles in his neck strained and he looked between me and Ford. Shaking his head, he bolted from the apartment.
I jumped at the earsplitting bang as the door slammed so hard it bounced back open. The lights suspended from the ceiling rocked and swayed with the force of his exit.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I picked up my clothes, which were dotted around the apartment, and held them to my chest. Ford stood staring at the door in stunned silence.
Tears filled my eyes, and I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. We were never supposed to hurt anyone. I walked into the bedroom and threw my shirt on over my head. My fingers trembled as I buttoned my skirt. Sitting down on the bed where I’d woken up happier than I’d ever been, I dropped my head into my hands.
The mattress dipped beside me. I lifted my head and stared at Ford’s long legs beside me. He ran his hands up and down his thighs. What Grant had confided in me should’ve been enough for me to stop what had happened with Ford. I’d still done this. How shitty of a person did that make me? All I’d been focused on was me and Ford, how much I wanted him, how good it would feel.
“He’s hurting.” I sniffled.
Ford nod
ded.
“I’m sorry.” My words came out thin and reedy.
His head snapped up. “Stop saying that. It’s my fault.”
I blew out a long breath to try to hold myself together. “It’s both our fault, then.” Putting on my shoes, I stared up at the ceiling. On shaky legs, I stood from the bed. I walked past Ford, and his hand shot out, wrapping around my arm.
“Liv, don’t go.” His hand slid down, and he ran his thumb over the inside of my wrist.
“How can I stay? You saw the look in his eyes.” Tears welled in mine. “That’s not something he’s going to forgive.”
“I can talk to him.”
“You’re the last person he wants to talk to. This is just another example to him of how you always come out on top. You might not know it, but people are drawn to you.” I stepped between his knees and ran my fingers across his cheek. “You fight it tooth and nail with the beard and the quiet words, but people still flock to you, and he’s always felt second best.”
“I’ve never tried to make him feel that way.” He stared up into my eyes.
“Of course not, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel it, and I just added to it—another example of how you always get exactly what you want because I didn’t stop to think, really think, about how us being together might hurt him.”
He covered my hand with his, the heat of his touch filling every cell in my body.
“I’m not ready for this to end.”
“Neither am I, but I can’t do this if it’s going to rip you two apart. He’s your brother. You love him.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down, and his grip on my hand tightened. “We’ve got some amazing timing, don’t we?”
I let out a watery laugh.
He squeezed his eyes shut and tugged me closer. Burying his face in my stomach, he held on to me. I wrapped my arms around his head and choked back the tears clogging my throat.
“It doesn’t have to end like this.” His fingers tightened around my waist, too tight, but I didn’t say anything. Savoring this moment was all I could do. His smell invaded my nose, and we clung to each other.
“What other way can it end? Are we supposed to show up to Sylvia’s together? What would she think of me?” I cringed. I’d driven a wedge straight through the relationship of her sons, the ones she loved so much. How could she not hate me?
“My mom could never hate you, Liv.” It was like he’d read my mind.
“Maybe not, but she’d blame me, just like I blame me.”
“This wasn’t just you. It’s not like you flung yourself at me. I’m right here with you.” He stared into my eyes.
I brushed back the hair from his forehead. “I’ll never forget last night.” I buried my face in his hair, holding him close.
Kissing the top of his head, I let him go, and he dropped his arms from around my waist. Tilting his head up, I pressed my lips to his. The urgency and desperation of the kiss brought more tears to my eyes.
Breaking away from him, I snatched up my bag from the edge of the bed and ran out of the apartment. I took the stairs and shot out onto the street. Even in the open air, I could barely breathe. I ordered a car and prayed Ford didn’t come outside. Leaving him once had been hard enough.
Climbing into the back of the car, I didn’t try to stop the tears falling from my eyes. I leaned my head back against the warm leather seat. The comfortable interior didn’t do anything to stop the sadness and guilt raging a war inside my chest. It wasn’t only for the way his heart had made mine sing, but also to mourn the loss of the friend I’d just gotten back. There was no going back there. In the blink of an eye I’d lost the man I loved and the friend I’d been able to count on for most my life.
I blew my nose and wiped my eyes. The driver glanced back at me a few times in his mirror. Somehow I’d get Grant to forgive me, and maybe someday Ford could be a part of my life again.
27
Ford
“Next game you play like that, Atherton, I’m pulling you,” Coach shouted at me when I climbed into the box at the end of the period. We’d won—barely. They might as well have had a cardboard cutout zip-tied inside the goal for all the good I was doing.
The team trudged to the locker room, and I chucked my pads. I couldn’t breathe in those things. Shoving everything onto the bench, I grabbed my clothes and stormed into the showers.
My phone sat at the bottom of my duffel. Calls and texts to Grant had gone unanswered. I hadn’t used the phone much in days, which was a complete 180 from how much I’d talked on it over the past few weeks. The lack of routine calls at night between Liv and me left another hole in my life that I couldn’t fill with practice, booze, or other women.
I hung up my clothes and towel and peeled off my drenched uniform. Dumping it in a pile in the back of the shower, I turned on the water. The hard spray seemed more like a power washer than a shower. I cranked up the heat, my version of self-flagellation.
The pain in Grant’s eyes and the way Liv had buried her face in my hair before walking out on me replayed in surround sound in my head. Maybe it was for the best; Colm wouldn’t have to know. I wouldn’t have to stand in front of him and tell him I’d broken his trust again and crossed a line we both knew was there. Maybe if I kept telling myself that, I’d believe it was true.
It had been almost a week since we’d ridden to my apartment together. She’d looked so peaceful in my bed. With my head propped up on my arm, I’d watched her sleep, her golden hair fanned out across my navy sheets. Squeezing my eyes shut, I pushed the thoughts aside. It only made the hurt so much worse. Turning off the water, I rested my forehead against the cold tile. I got dressed just going through the motions.
I picked up my duffel, and my phone rang. My stomach knotted with each step closer to the phone. It was Colm’s ringtone.
“Hello.” Was this drunk Colm? Pissed-off Colm? Depressed Colm? Maybe I’d hit the jackpot and get all three.
“Hey, do you have a minute?” Stone-cold sober Colm.
I waved to the guys, ducked out of the locker room, and headed to my car. “Just finished up a game.”
“Right. The time difference still has me all screwed up. I keep thinking ‘what’s the point of getting used to the time when I’m coming back,’ and then my rehab gets extended.”
“Must be messing with your head.” I unlocked my door and got into my car.
“You have no idea. I rented this big house for Eloise, and now I’m rattling around the thing constantly reminded of my stupidity.”
“You’re not stupid. You’ve got a big heart.”
“A big, stupid heart that can’t pick a faithful woman to save my life.”
My throat tightened. I didn’t turn the car on, just sat there waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the digs to start.
“Sorry I’m dumping all this on you.”
“It’s what friends do—they listen when you need them to.”
“You’ve been listening to my shit since ninth grade.”
“I never complained before.” Finally turning the car on, I pulled out of the lot.
“No, you haven’t. I’ve been a shitty friend. I’ve put some shit on you that wasn’t your fault. Being out here on my own…damn. Playing in Boston without you for a year was bad enough, but there’s not even a team out here. Day in and day out I’m on my own. It’s made me realize a few things. I’m lucky to have you guys.”
“We know.” The corner of my mouth lifted.
“Douche.”
“I’m not the one repeatedly calling people at the ass crack of dawn.”
“Shit, I know. Sorry.”
“Stop apologizing. Just make sure you take care of yourself. Lay off the booze, fix that knee, and get your ass back here.”
“I’m on it, and sorry for pushing the whole Olive thing on you.”
My hands froze on the steering wheel. “Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about anything until you get back here. There are some things I wa
nt to talk to you about.” Like squashing this Felicity thing between us once and for all and telling you how much I care about Liv, even though my own brother ended up as collateral damage.
Damn, things had been a hell of a lot simpler back in high school. Back then, my biggest worry had been standing up in front of a class to give a presentation or screwing up so royally in hockey I’d lose my Rittenhouse Prep scholarship.
“You’re right. I’ve got to head to my early PT session in a few. We can have your deep mysterious talk when I’m back in town.” He chuckled.
I ended the call with Colm and pulled into the parking garage of my apartment. The solitude I’d found comfort in only served as a reminder of what I’d lost and what I’d continue to lose. As I opened the door, my phone lit up again.
Mom: Do you have time to stop by this afternoon?
I’d been avoiding the house since the Grant situation. Had Grant told Mom what had happened? Was she going to rip me a new one the second I stepped in the front door? Even if she did, I’d still go. Being alone didn’t have the same comfort it usually did. Instead I was left alone with my thoughts…thoughts of Liv.
* * *
The fridge and walls were covered with new artwork from the kids. Frames I’d mounted with little slots at the top made it easy to swap out their pictures. The freshly-baked-cookie smell filled the entire room and took me back to when I was a little kid, or even better, when she’d sent me to practice with a tub of them for road games back in high school. I’d been a king among Kings when the Tupperware lid came off.
“Here, try this.” She slid a piping-hot cookie off the spatula and into my hands. I tossed it back and forth, taking a bite with every other toss. The melted chocolate coated my tongue, its deep, dark flavor mingling perfectly with the brown sugar and vanilla.
“As good as always, Mom.” Eating had been the last thing on my mind for the past few days, but damned if these cookies didn’t help at least a little bit.
“I talked to your brother. He came over to do some of his laundry, and he was pretty upset.” She looked at me over her shoulder from the stove.
