by Hughes, Maya
Standing on the porch of the college-row home, I knocked and stepped back from the door. The days were dragging now, each one adding another tally mark to my days without Liv. I shoved my hands into my pockets and rocked back and forth on my heels. Little bits of green stuck up from the branches of the trees lining the street, and I hoped the cold snap wouldn’t kill them off. My plane had landed a few hours earlier. Our almost run at the playoffs had died between my shitty goaltending and a general breakdown in team performance. At least that meant no more travel until the next season. Eighty-two games a season didn’t get easier.
The door swung open, and one of Grant’s roommates took a look at me, then yelled over his shoulder.
“Grant, it’s for you.” He held the door open, and I stepped inside.
Heavy footsteps on the stairs shook the floor. His steps slowed at the bottom of the stairs when he spotted me.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to talk.”
“There’s not much more to say.” He crossed his arms over his chest.
“There is.”
“Fine, but I need beer for this.” He walked past me into the kitchen. Following him, I cleared my throat. He opened the fridge and grabbed two beers. The bottles still inside rattled as he kicked it closed. He flicked the caps off using the edge of the counter and handed me one.
“Thanks.” I picked at the label. “Mom said you two talked.”
He gulped down some of his beer. “We did.”
He leaned against the counter, and I sat on the edge of their table, jammed against the wall.
“Talk,” he said sharply. “Or did you come all this way just to bum a beer off me?”
He wasn’t going to make this easy, and why should he?
I took a deep breath. “And to apologize.”
He stared at me, stone-faced.
“Not for being with Liv. I can’t apologize for that.” I drummed my fingers along the side of my bottle. “But I should’ve told you how I felt about her. She’s not a dirty little secret, and I shouldn’t have treated her like one.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.” Grant gave me a hard look. I met his gaze. He shook his head and stared up at the ceiling.
“I didn’t realize how much you felt like you were living in my shadow growing up. It never crossed my mind that Mom being there for me meant she wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry. I’m your big brother, and it was selfish of me to not even think about how all that would affect you.”
“You’re right.” He stared at me, and I grimaced. “I spilled it all to Mom, too.” He ripped the label off the bottle in his hands. “I have a feeling I’ll be getting extra helpings of cookies from now until the end of time. I also told her I was having girl troubles again. I didn’t say it was about Liv specifically, but she eventually figured it out.”
“She’s not exactly subtle. She sprung surprise invites to come over to the house on Liv and me.”
“I know.” His lips thinned into a hard line. “Damn, I hate being the gracious and understanding brother.”
My eyebrows pinched together.
“I already talked to Liv and Mom. You’re off the hook, golden boy.” He slapped my shoulder.
Shaking my head, I was tempted to slip my finger into my ear and wiggle it to make sure I’d heard him correctly. “Just like that?”
He chuckled and took another sip of his beer. “Not just like that at all. Trust me, there were a good few days where I wanted to beat the crap out of you.” As he stared into my eyes, I saw a flash of the anger still in his. “But I had a long talk with Mom, finally got some stuff off my chest that’s been bothering me for a long time.”
“Stuff like me being the asshole brother who gets all the attention, takes over the family with his cost-and time-intensive sport, and then falls for a girl you’ve had a crush on since you were ten?”
He nodded. “Something like that, though it’s been since I was nine. You have to admit, I did like her first.”
“She was nine when you met. I was fifteen. Everyone would have been a hell of a lot more concerned if I’d fallen in love with her back then.”
“You’re not wrong, and I can’t say the fact that she was the one girl I knew you liked who’d agreed to date me didn’t play the tiniest part in why she stuck in my head for so many years.”
“I can’t blame you for that. She’s unlike any woman I’ve ever known before.”
He peered over at me. “You love her?”
“I wouldn’t have done what I did if I only kind of liked her. I’ve been in love with her since Declan’s wedding, maybe a little before that, but then you two went out on a couple dates and I didn’t want to—I didn’t want to make it worse. I tried not to.”
“And here I thought I was getting the short end of the stick on this one.” He drained the rest of his beer. “You’re in love with her, and she’s dead set on staying away from you. Pretty ironic given how hard you’ve been pushing her away since forever.” Setting his empty down, he looked me dead in the eyes. “She said she doesn’t want to come between us, but running off to the West Coast for med school isn’t the solution. You haven’t been able to talk any sense into her?” He peered over at me.
My stomach dropped. The West Coast? She was leaving? I’d always assumed I’d have more time. She was leaving. Could lungs collapse without anything touching you? Because it was nearly impossible for me to breathe at that moment.
Maybe one day we could get the timing right, smooth things over with Grant and Colm and work it out, but if she left, there was no chance, no “accidental” run-ins. Med school wasn’t right for her. She’d be in a new city, doing something she hated, trying to find where she fit.
No one had panic attacks because they loved something so much they couldn’t live without it. Grant and I shared a beer, and I left, giving him a big hug before hopping into my car. The night air wasn’t freezer-blast cold anymore, but damned if this winter wasn’t clinging on for dear life.
I stopped in at Fish’s to grab a burger, and a few people spotted me on the way to my spot at the far end of the bar. That hadn’t happened before. A couple pictures and an autograph later, I was left alone. While that was normally exactly how I wanted things, now it made me restless. The quiet and solitude meant I didn’t have to try to carry on a conversation or pretend to be interested in stuff I didn’t like, but I missed conversations with Liv. I got my food wrapped up and headed home.
During our late-night calls, she’d gone on about whatever new dance she was working on or the students in her class. I’d tell her about my search for the next best bottle of bourbon. Even if I had no idea what she was talking about, I was always interested because it was important to her. Her plans might have included med school and a move out of state, but I wasn’t going to let her go without a fight.
I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling and trying to figure out how the hell to get her to see that there was no escaping us. She’d known it earlier than I had, but with how smart she was, I should’ve known she’d figure it out before me. We belonged together. Colm would have to see reason when it came to us and medical school.
My phone lit up on the table beside me. I glanced down, and my heart skipped a beat. Tapping the button, my heart raced at the name blazed across the screen.
I picked it up. A wail of sirens blared out of the speaker, and my blood thundered through my veins.
“Liv!” I jumped out of bed. The muffled voices made it hard to hear anything other than the sirens and commotion. I shoved my finger into my ear, my heart hammering against my ribs. “Liv!”
“Ford!”
30
Liv
The commotion going on outside the ambulance felt so far away, like something happening on a movie set. I tried to clear my throat, but that only sent the smoke in my nose shooting deeper down into my lungs, like I’d stuck my head inside a chimney or inhaled the burnt toast Marisa always made. The wail of the sirens had died
down. They didn’t need them anymore, all the fire trucks having already arrived.
I’d made it out, and that was the most important thing, right? So why did I feel like a part of me had died? Like I’d lost something I’d never be able to get back? I shuddered and wrapped my hands tighter around the scratchy blanket draped over my shoulders. What time is it? The paramedic put the stethoscope in his ears.
“Liv!” I heard the voice I’d recognize anywhere, even through the walls of an ambulance. I jumped off the gurney, knocking into the paramedic. “Liv!” The urgency in his voice made my skin break out in goose bumps that had nothing to do with the cold.
Pushing open the doors of the vehicle, I scanned the area for him.
“Ma’am!” The urgent request of the paramedic behind me didn’t stop me.
I hopped out of the ambulance. My feet hit the freezing wet pavement, sending a shiver through me. “Ford.” My voice croaked. Smoke and droplets of water filled my nose.
“Liv!” His shouts were cut off. I spotted him. What looked like five firefighters and police officers had grabbed hold of him. He was still trying to move forward, toward the burning building. Someone had their arm around his neck to try to keep him back.
“Ford!” Icy water from a puddle slipped into my shoes. Cupping my hands over my mouth, I screamed his name again.
His head whipped around, and the entire weight of the pack shifted and collapsed into the ground. He scrambled out from under the pile of pissed-off first responders, rushing toward me.
Droplets of water created a fine, freezing mist as the battle against the fire raged around me. Everything moved in slow motion. The fog in my head wouldn’t lift as I stared at the building I’d called home, engulfed in flames. They’d taken Marisa to another ambulance. I needed to find her. Where is she? Hysteria bubbled toward the surface of my mind.
Ford’s eyes were wild when he got to me, pushing past anyone in his way. The fear ebbed away a bit now that he was there. His arms wrapped around me, crushing me against his chest. The thundering of his heart pounded against mine. His hold tightened, and I could barely breathe. I banged on his back, and he loosened his grip.
“Are you okay? What happened?” His voice was frantic.
“We got out before it got really bad.” It could have been so much worse. We could have died. The tears I’d managed to keep at bay rushed to the surface. A panic I’d pushed aside while I was sitting outside in the blistering cold slammed into me, and I swayed on my feet. I could have died.
His hands tightened around my arms. Letting me go for a second, he slipped out of his coat and wrapped it around my shoulders, tugging it around me.
I needed to feel him. Pressing my face against his chest, I sucked in a shuddering breath. “I got into bed after getting back from the studio. I tried to get some sleep. Marisa’s light was on the fritz, but stuff like that’s been happening for weeks so we didn’t think anything of it.
“I finally fell asleep, and then I woke up coughing. When I opened my eyes, I could barely see anything. The smoke was so thick, and I rolled off my bed onto the floor. I slipped on some shoes, picked up my phone, and shouted for Marisa. She sleeps like the dead, and I had to drag her out of her bed. Once she hit the floor, she woke up and we both crawled out of there. There was fire in the stairwell. I thought we were trapped.” My fingers trembled as I wrapped my hands around his back. His muscles tightened, and he rested his chin on the top of my head.
He squeezed me even tighter, and this time I needed it. We sat there, wrapped up in each other until the paramedic came over, insisting he finish looking me over.
The paramedic tried to get Ford to go, but he refused to leave my side.
“It’s okay. He can stay.” My fingers wrapped tighter around his arm.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He stared into my eyes with an intensity that snapped me out of my building panic. They closed the back of the ambulance, and the paramedic pulled the stethoscope from around his neck. I focused on my breathing and Ford being so close to keep myself from losing it while they finished the exam. Ford held my hand as the paramedic checked me over. His thumb traced a path along the back of my hand.
His black thermal was stretched tightly over his chest, every muscle on full display. It was a lot easier to distract myself from the thoughts of what could’ve been by looking at him.
What would Colm have done if something had happened to me? He’d have been all alone. A shiver shot through my body. What the hell would we do without each other? And Ford—what about the things left unresolved between us? There were so many things left unsaid.
“No major smoke inhalation. Your lungs and heart sound fine. You’re free to go, if you have somewhere to go, but you need to get to an emergency room immediately if you have any difficulty breathing—and I mean any.” His eyes bored into me. The seriousness not lost on me, I nodded.
“She’s coming home with me.” The words shot out of Ford’s mouth not even a second after the paramedic finished his sentence.
“I need to find Marisa. I don’t know where she is.” My phone buzzed on the gurney beside me.
Marisa: I couldn’t find you. Are you still here? Are you okay?
I tapped on her name. She picked up in the middle of the first ring.
“I’m fine. They just finished checking me out. Where are you?”
I strained to make out her words. “Outside now. LJ is here, and he’s about to get his ass kicked. He’s hovering like I’m going to drop dead at any second.”
The paramedic opened the door, and Ford held out his hand, guiding my way out of the back of the ambulance. I gasped at the freezing wind whipping around my legs. Pajama pants weren’t exactly meant to be worn in temperatures approaching freezing. As I climbed down, her voice was in surround sound. Ford adjusted the blanket around me over his coat, and I swung around the side.
A pair of arms wrapped around me, and Marisa squeezed me against her. Spitting her dark hair out of my mouth, I hugged her back.
“I was so worried when you disappeared on me.” She rocked us back and forth.
“I could say the same about you.” I leaned back, smiling at her. Tears clouded my eyes.
“Stop crying—you’ll make me cry, and then he’ll lose it again.” LJ stood close by her shoulder like he was ready to swoop in if her legs gave out. “He’s trying to get me to go back to the Brothel, but I’m not leaving you here.”
“Liv can come too.” His baritone filtered through the noise around us.
“It’s okay. I know the football house is cramped as it is. I’m going to go with Ford.” I peered over my shoulder at him.
He stared into my eyes. “She’s coming with me. You can too, if you need to,” he offered to Marisa.
“I’m good. I’ll go with LJ.” Marisa eyed me. “Are you sure?” We’d spent more than a few hours over the past couple weeks rehashing my last night with Ford.
“I’m sure.”
“Then I’ll see you on campus? We need to figure out a more permanent living situation and what the hell we’re going to do about our stuff…” She stared up at the still smoldering building.
A pit plunged deep in my stomach. Our stuff…my pictures… I wrapped my arms tighter around myself.
“Let’s just get through the night and figure everything else out tomorrow. I need to take a shower. I reek of smoke.” Marisa pulled her shirt away from her body
I sniffed my hair. “And I need to go to sleep.” My energy ebbed away, drained like a vampire had attached itself to my neck. Adrenaline no longer coursed through my veins, leaving me dead on my feet. The wind at my front competed with the heat radiating off the building behind me in between blasts of wind.
Ford wrapped his arm around my shoulder and tucked me in close to his side. He was so warm. I slid my arms around his waist, and he wrapped the edge of his coat tighter around me as we navigated through the crowd and news crews to get to his car.
He opened the door, and
I slipped inside. Resting my head against the headrest, my eyelids fluttered. He got in, and the engine started with a purr. It still had that new car smell.
My eyelids got heavier by the second as the streetlights filled the car with a rhythmic yellow strobe.
“Get some sleep, Liv. I’ll wake you when we’re home.” His hand ran along my leg from my knee to my thigh like he was trying to warm me quicker than the heater. Home. Home with Ford.
I yawned and turned in my seat to face him. The soft fabric cushioned my cheek. His beard had grown longer. I hadn’t watched the games since the night, but I knew their season was over. I couldn’t help but feel partially responsible.
He glanced over from staring straight out the windshield and ran his hand along the side of my face. “Close your eyes. You’re safe now.” His strong fingers tucked my hair behind my ear. Dropping his hand back to my leg, he held on to me like he was afraid I might disappear into a cloud of smoke, and I supposed I almost had.
Now I was going home with Ford, and we’d figure everything else out in the morning.
31
Ford
Careful not to wake her, I lifted her from the car. My heart drummed against my chest as I carried her into the elevator and into my apartment. It took everything in me not to crush her to my chest. I could’ve lost her tonight. She didn’t stir the entire time. The adrenaline crash was a bitch. Kicking the front door closed behind me, I took her into my bedroom. Laying her down, I got up to get her something to sleep in, and her hand shot out and wrapped around my wrist.
“Don’t go,” she murmured.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m just getting you something to wear. Your clothes are all smoky.”
She looked down at herself and her soot-covered clothes, then tore at them like they were on fire.
“Shhh, let me do it.” Catching her legs, I slid her shoes off. They hit the floor with a thunk. I hooked my hands under the waistband of her pajama pants and dragged them down her body. She stopped flailing and watched me, lifting her hips to help me get her undressed. Tears glittered in her eyes.
