#
The sun was coming through one of the windows and it was in my eyes. I blinked and moved and got up. The room was much clearer during the day. It’s funny how mornings are so nice sometimes. At least if you have good dreams I guess. There was this big oval rug in the middle of the floor. It was dark green and had a lighter green strip going around its perimeter. The gas lamp was hanging off a peg on the wall; it was turned off now. It had a green top like those Coleman lanterns they sell at Sears. Around the rug were a table, the rocking chair, and the sofa that I was on. On one side of the room there was a cabinet and dresser and the fireplace was on the other side. Everything was made of wood except the sofa and the fireplace. The fireplace was brick.
The door opened and she came in. She was carrying a couple of cans. “There’s enough food in the shed to last a couple of days. We can stay here until we run out.”
“Where are we?” I was getting curious.
“In the woods, silly.” She put the cans in the cabinet. She opened one of the cabinet doors and took out two empty milk containers and a shotgun. She opened a drawer and took out two shells and loaded the shotgun.
I stood up.
“Here.” She handed me a gun. “Keep this with you always.”
I noticed it was a shotgun. I didn’t really know what to do with it. “Ok.”
“It’s in case anything happens.” She opened the door and held it. “We’ve got to go and find some water. There used to be a stream near here.”
I went over to the door to follow her. She was looking at me again. She had a Parisian nose. It reminded me of World War II. Of how many people died but we live on and have babies and how there was still beauty in us despite of what we can do sometimes. Is that any better than the cloud and soul metaphor?
(who am I?)
“Ça va?” she said.
“Ça va.” She smiled. I was sad. But I couldn’t help smiling when she smiled so I smiled too. I guess now that I think of it things were getting kinda silly but I didn’t really notice it at the time.
#
“How far is it to get water?” I said. Or asked I guess.
We were in the woods now. “There’s a spring on the other side of this valley. It’s the starting point of the stream we crossed on the way here.”
I was thinking about how it rained last night. I don’t like it when it rains anymore. It brings back memories. I used to like the rain though. It used to make me think of heaven.
The forest was very quiet and I could hear her move. There were only three types of trees in growing in the forest. The kind with the needle-leaves and two other kinds. The rest were all bushes. I think funny, don’t I? I like trees. “What kind of animals are here?”
She glanced back at me. “Mostly little things like rabbits, squirrels, and a couple foxes. There are some deer around and if you go farther into the forest there are some bears.”
I noticed that she used her conjunctions correctly. I would have said, ‘rabbits and squirrels and a couple foxes.’ “I remember once a friend of mine wanted me to buy a bow so we could go boar hunting together.”
“Really?” She laughed. “Boars are rather dangerous to go after with bows and arrows.”
“Ya, I guess so.” The sunlight filtered down through the trees and silhouetted patterns on the ground. Mustardseed’s shotgun was black and had a wooden thing you pulled back on. “We used to go hiking in this forest about an hour from where we lived.”
We passed over a ridge and were now walking parallel to the valley about halfway down the slope. She was leading the way. “The stream is at the bottom. We just have to follow it to where it starts.”
I was wondering why we didn’t just take the water from the stream instead of the spring but I thought it would be a stupid question so I didn’t ask. And trees on slopes don’t grow perpendicular to the ground. They always point towards the sky. Unless of course the wind shapes them differently. My feet were getting muddy cuz the ground was muddy so I figured it had rained last night.
#
When we finally got to the spring it reminded me of this Hemingway scene where he’s fishing in Spain and brings lunch and puts some champagne in the water so it stays cool in the heat. She kneeled down and put one of the jugs in the water. It made me think for some reason of the dream from the night before. I couldn’t figure out the connection other than just water being there though. But then I snapped out of my train of thought; she was splashing water on me and I was getting wet. “Stop it.”
She laughed. The water was cold like the sun. “No, make me.”
There was a lot a movement all of the sudden. I could see her arms shift as her hands splashed the water. I put the shotgun against a tree and then splashed some water back at her. It was a big splash. “Take that.”
She shook her hair. She was all wet. Her dress was wet. “I won’t be defeated that easily!”
She was getting silly. Now I was all wet. I was in the stream. I splashed some more water and started moving towards her.
She giggled. “Oh no you don’t.”
She started moving up the bank. The jugs were floating in the stream. The stream didn’t have much of a grade to it. I ran to catch her. My feet were making big splashes in the water.
Her foot slipped in the mud and she tripped and fell. It was all very noisy. I grabbed her ankle and she screamed. She tried to pull on a branch and couldn’t move so she laughed. “Ok, you win! You win! … Curse you, mud!”
She laughed again. I let go of her ankle and dropped down next to her. She was all muddy and dirty and pretty. There was mud on her nose and left cheek. “Hello.”
“Hi…” She was looking at me funny and then said, “Yer all wet.”
I had a thought. “Water sparkles the air and whips up dreams of childhood once fair.”
She looked at me funny again. And then she smiled. “Regroup and counterattack.”
She took some mud in her hand and threw it at me. It landed in my hair. She scrambled up and started running into the woods. I pulled some of the mud out of my hair and started following her.
I thought it was weird that I recited poetry. Even though the second part was kinda cliché I think it was still better than the stuff I was thinking up earlier. I ran after her for a little bit but she was faster and I lost her in the woods. Then I slowed down and stopped and rested for a little bit but then I think I lost myself in the woods. But I kinda knew where we had come from so I wasn’t really worried.
(Tie Fighter pilot (serve the Emperor))
The forest smelled like trees. There were a lot of trees. Uncompressed even. It was still pretty early and I felt… clean. I was kneeling against an oak I think; the ground around it was dark and moist. I closed my eyes heard the branches sway and the birds chirp.
#
I don’t remember what happened next but later I woke up in the forest next to this oak tree. I didn’t have a watch but I figured I had dozed off. When I was half asleep maybe I remembered one dream I had when I was a kid. I was in a forest with some of my friends. The forest had a gray hue and when you looked closely you saw a dead lunar landscape and trees that were really splintered trunks that left short dark shadows on the ground. All of the sudden this dragon appeared in the sky. It was red-orange and huge and blocked out the sun. I could see its face and slit eyes and nostrils and jaw. It held its wings out and stood above the treetops and its eyes said ‘this was all my land long before you built your civilizations’. Then it breathed fire.
Anyway my stomach was rumbling. I stood up and started walking back to the cabin. With my feet.
#
I reached the spring again. It was still the same and I could see our footprints in the mud. My gun and the water jugs were gone though. I sat down on this smooth stone by the stream and started cleaning my face. The water was cold and it made me wake up. I washed the mud off my face and then tried to clean my hair. My hair was thick and long and needed to be cut.
A
fter washing I wanted to stay but I got restless in a few seconds so I decided to continuing back. I started following the stream again. I had to pay attention to where I was going cuz I wasn’t sure when to turn over the ridge. I walked a couple yards and then decided that it would be better if I got to the top of the ridge cuz I might be able to see better from there. I walked across the water on rocks and started up the slope. Then I saw smoke coming from the other valley. It seemed to be from where the cabin was. The smoke was gray and thin. I was kinda worried but I followed it anyway. The smoke curved in the sky.
Chapter 6
When I got to the cabin I saw that the smoke was coming out of the chimney. The cabin with the metal roof had back windows were which were open. I went inside.
She was in there and turned around when the door opened. “Hey, where were you?”
“Nowhere, I kinda fell asleep that’s all.” I forgot to shut the door when I came in. She had plates out on the table next to the big dark green rug with the light green strip. I saw the shotgun against the wall on the far side. “What have you been up to?”
“I’ve been getting lunch ready, silly.” I felt bad cuz I had nothing to give her. She was very kind.
I was still wet so I sat down next to the fire and water dripped off my hair onto the floor. There were two pots on a metal grill in the fireplace. “Can I do anything to help?”
She was behind me. “No, that’s ok. It’s just gotta sit a while and cook.”
The fire was warm and jumped up for a second and flicked the bottom of the pots. I sat there Indian-style staring at the fireplace and drying myself. I heard her walk back and forth behind me and the sun was over the house so it was kinda dark. The fire flicked the pots again. My clothes were still wet. The entire scene seemed bland all of the sudden. Like everything was normal and linear and I was trapped in it. I didn’t like it very much. I had to say something. “The food smells pretty good.”
She didn’t reply to me. I had to say something else. But I didn’t know what. She tapped me on the shoulder. “Hey, look what I found.”
I turned around at her and saw it was a box of checkers. Checkers like you play when you’re a kid and its Sunday and it’s raining outside and your little sister doesn’t know how to play chess, ya know? “Wow. They’re grand.”
“Wanna play?” she said but she wasn’t really asking cuz she already opened the box and was putting some pieces out. “I used to play checkers all the time with my granddad up here.”
I helped her with the pieces. I was red. “Ya, I remember once in 5th grade I was checker champ and I won a 5 dollar gift certificate to Toys R Us.”
“Wow. I bet you were real good.” She seemed to think it was pretty cool. We were lying on the big green rug and the checkerboard was in the middle of the rug between us and the fire was now behind me. I could see the forest through the open door.
“Not really, I was just the only kid that would stay inside during recess and play checkers instead of kickball like everyone else did.” I think I was missing one of my pieces.
She laughed at that. “You’re so silly.”
I was gonna tell her that I lost to the 4th grade champ or else I would have won 15 dollars but then I found my missing checker. It had rolled to my left side. “Ya ready? Who goes first?”
“Smoke comes before fire.” She moved one of her pieces into one of those side positions where you can’t jump them. I did the same thing. I remember reading once that you can’t beat a computer at checkers cuz they can map out every move and figure out an unbeatable strategy. They can’t do that with chess yet though. They can beat world champs but not the infinite ideal. She was thinking about what to do next.
“I wonder if checkers was invented before chess was.” She moved a middle piece into the space she had made the move before.
“Don’t be silly. Of course chess came first.” I moved my side piece into my hole, too.
She moved the same piece forwards again. “Why do you say that?”
“Cuz it’s more complicated.” Talk about byte-generation. I moved one of my back pieces into a side slot. She moved another one of her men out. Now she had a line of three. I couldn’t understand what she was trying to do. She had no support for her front pieces.
“I remember reading once that checkers was actually an Egyptian game.” The back windows were open and I could feel the breeze that was coming though them. I looked at the board and I could only figure out one move that I could make without loosing any pieces. I moved one of my front guys up. She studied the board some.
“Did you ever read Catcher in the Rye?” She moved a middle guy in defense so I wouldn’t jump her. It was kinda dark and cool in the house cuz the sun was high still and it couldn’t get through any of the windows. I could hear the checkers slide when we moved them.
“Ya, a while ago. I think in high school.” I moved a piece up behind the last one I moved. I could hear it slide across. “I remember that I liked it, but I don’t remember much about it though.”
She moved a back piece to a side slot. “They played checkers in that book.”
I moved another one of my back pieces. I think it was my only move. “Really? I don’t remember that. I think I remember fencing though.”
“That was earlier in the book.” She moved that side piece back out again.
I didn’t have any good moves left. I had to sacrifice one of my pieces. “Ya. He lost the fencing equipment on the subway.”
I moved my front guy second from the left. Then I thought I made a mistake cuz she could double jump me. I had moved the guy to the left. But then for some reason she only single jumped me. I didn’t say anything about it though. “Checkers was later. It was a flashback really.”
I remember thinking that Catcher in the Rye was weird cuz I always thought most of it happened at the school when really most of the pages were written about New York. I single jumped her back. In high school they would play so that you had to jump the checker if you could. My sister didn’t like that rule though. “What happened with checkers?”
I didn’t mind that she didn’t double jump cuz then she’d have a king. “Nothing really. That’s probably why you don’t remember it. He was just playing checkers with someone.”
She moved one of her side pieces out between my guy and her guy and then I moved my corner back guy forward. I was thinking I could do something on the left side of the board cuz she looked pretty weak there.
“How about that Kafka short story about the worshipper? I think that has to be my favorite of all time.”
Here’s where something amazing happened. She moved one of her front men up so that my side guy could jump her. Then I jumped her piece. I was thinking maybe she wasn’t too good at checkers when out of nowhere she triple jumped me and got a king. She was killing me. “No, what’s that about?”
I looked up at her and she was smiling at me. I had to smile too. “It’s about this guy whom doesn’t think he’s alive.”
Then another amazing thing happened. But it really didn’t have much to do with checkers. A breeze came through the window and caused the door to slam shut and just then a gun went off and caused the door to fly open again.
#
“Get away from the door!” She jumped up and grabbed my arm and pulled me back against the wall. Another shot went off but this time I didn’t know what it hit. She screamed out.
I realized what was going on. Someone was shooting at us from outside of the cabin. I heard another shot and one of the windows smashed in. There was glass everywhere. Glass fell like coffee beans in a post-modern kitchen.
She was still holding on to me. I had to do something. There was a pause where no one was shooting. I could hear a heart beating; I think it was mine, and the rocking chair creaking. “He’s coming.”
The shotgun from before was right next to me but I didn’t know what to do with it. “What do we do?”
I sat there with my back against the wall and my legs out in
front of me watching the chair go back and forth. I could tell it was slowing down. There was another shot and she screamed.
I picked up the gun. It wasn’t like Roskolnikov, more like Alice in Wonderland. Like I took it and went to the door stepping on shattered glass like bad teeth and lifted up the gun pressed down.
I don’t remember the noise but I fell down on my back and I think I blacked out for a second. My ankle hurt and my eyes were closed and I had just shot a gun for the first time. I remember thinking that maybe something went wrong and the gun backfired and I was dying. (écoute et répète) I breathed straw-like in and out and in and out and then stopped. I remember thinking there were little mini-consciousness pieces in each of the neurons in my brain that were squeezed together in my skull so I could think. But they were floating apart like green protozoa under the microscope in bio class and I was dying, disappearing as it happened, cilia flailing in circular directions.
The next thing I remember is waking up with the sun coming down on me from a window. Her hand was on my shoulder. I blinked and blinked again and looked at her with my life force spread across an infinite plane and my consciousness disintegrated. I wasn’t scared until then. It’s hard but I think understood some of it and I’ll try to explain. I was confused cuz I thought after you died there was nothing. No more input means no more output, just spazzing neurons in the darkness of my cranium. Which is scientific and comforting in its logic. But I was confused because she was there. And the sun was bright and she had her hand out to me. Tumble on through emptiness that envelopes like the ocean, tis all a trick of the mind. Tic, tic -- it didn’t go away.
After that I stopped being sure that I was alive. Tic, tic --I didn’t go away. I was scared of afterlife. Everything had made sense when I believed in my own nonexistence but this time I missed the subway platform and slipped between the crack. And she was here with me. Who was she?
Circular Motion Page 6
