I nodded. 'I have my plans, Ishild. Perhaps part of the reason why I cannot be with you are these mad things you speak of. The secrets. I do not know you. Perhaps I do not trust you.'
She stared at my hand over hers. Then, with a shuddering breath, she continued. 'I have an obligation, to my family, one I cannot ignore. However, I will take a risk and promise you if I can get free of the obligation, I am yours. If you will have me then. If you are not married yet. I do not know you well enough either, Hraban. I see you are petty and foolish and handsome and brave, faults and goodness mixed in you, and I know you have a heavy burden, but, by Frigg, if things work out, I am yours. I will not be strange then, but happy and yours. Give us a chance. Give me a chance.'
'I swear I will,' I told her, miserable at my lack of feelings for her and over the lies slipping from my lips. 'I just wish you smiled more. I wish you had fewer secrets, so I could know you.'
'I used to smile with you, perhaps I will learn how to, again,' she told me. I held her, and she trembled. 'Secrets, one day, I will have none. Odo told me you threatened to kill him?'
I spat in anger. I would kill Odo for the crime he forced on me, but I did not wish to upset her more. 'I might, if he tries to force me to do things his way; if he stands between my goals and my spear. What does he want with you?'
'He is driven, Hraban. Mad,' she told me. 'These past years he has changed, more bloodthirsty, more inward, and I fear him, I fear for Mother sometimes. He is insane, he is … insane.'
'I cannot argue with you. You are right, I think.'
She laughed, a welcome change, but then she turned her face towards me, and we were close. She kissed me urgently. I hesitated, my eyes open. She pulled my hand to her breast and then savagely pushed it under her dress. I felt her silken thigh, and then the curled hair between her moist legs. She was panting heavily, and I struggled, cursing. Finally, I jumped away, holding my head in my hands. She stared at me. 'You refuse?' Her voice was disbelieving.
'I … I cannot, I cannot,' I said. Her face betrayed anger, as she got to her feet. She pulled my face to hers, her eyes mysterious, dark. 'I am not much of a seidr user, Hraban, since I cannot seduce a boy like you, not even when you have your fingers between my legs. Very well. I shall let it be. Later, remember I meant what I said. I needed you. I have a miserable life with my family, but I will try to find comfort in your friendship.'
'Be my friend,' I said, tired. She nodded and left. I was exhausted and relieved. I was free, even if I was burdened with the lies I told her. I would serve Father, and come what may, I would be elevated. I turned to go and saw Ermendrud standing in front of me. She was smiling.
'Well. At least you are loyal,' she said pleasantly. I nodded, feeling naked. 'Prophecy? That sounds dangerous, Hraban,' she said quietly as she came forward. She had dimples I had not seen before. Her flat face was blushed.
'What else did you hear?' I asked her, terrified she knew about Gunda the Chatti.
'Not much. I talked to your father, and he said I will marry you,' she told me. 'Before the colds of the winter.'
'Indeed,' I said, clearing my throat. Maroboodus had told me to get rid of her. She was my problem. I would not be able to marry Gunda if Ermendrud was in the way.
'I am,' she said huskily, 'seventeen, I am very useful. I have high ambitions, and while I fear many things, I will be of great use to you. I will arm you well and bind your many wounds.' She walked around me. 'Oh master of prophecies.'
'I am not in favor of my father, and the prophecy is a heavy burden,' I told her slowly. She seemed impressed by the doom hanging over my head, the threat of gods and mad vitka.
'You might be in favor again one day, and I think the gods like you. Besides, there are other tribes,' she said casually, and I despaired.
If she was willing to leave the tribe for me, I was in trouble indeed. She stopped before me and rubbed her soft lips on mine. I instinctively put my hands on her shoulders, but she pushed against me. Her breasts were hard under her tunic. I cursed and decided I would get rid of her the next day. I kissed her, she answered, and I licked her lips, her neck and her throat hungrily. She answered in kind. I felt a surging need, a passion that enveloped us as we pulled closer, entwining in each other. The kiss got increasingly passionate; her breathing was getting desperate. I took hold of her shoulders and fingered the brooches on her woolen dress, working to open them. I was clumsy. She separated from me, panting, her eyes alight with desire, and then she removed the brooches. I slid her gown down, exposing her round, firm breasts, and she guided my mouth to her neck.
I kissed her, lord, oh how I kissed her.
Afterwards, we lay on moss cover, never minding the ants and other creatures making their way to places they normally would not be welcome at.
She was serious as she looked at me. I got worried. 'Was it … bad? Did you enjoy it?'
She nodded, surprised. 'Fool. Yes. I did! However, we must not mention this to anyone, not before we are married. I hope you stay away from that völva-spawned blonde thing.'
'She is a friend,' I said, meekly.
'She wishes to be something more, and if she tries harder, I will beat her, magician or not,' Ermendrud said, matter-of-factly.
I agreed. 'Your father? I am sorry …'
Sorrow visited her face for a few moments, but then she took a deep breath and laughed, carefree. 'It matters not, Hraban. He was a good man, good to me, at least, but life moves on. He was dear to me. Like you are.' She got up to dress.
Shame enveloped every fiber of my body. I had just hurt Ishild and enjoyed Ermendrud not a moment after. I forced a smile as she waved. 'I will see you soon, Hraban,' she told me, and I nodded. I lusted for her, for she was fair enough, and I was a young man. But Ishild was too strange, and I did not enjoy her, but I felt deep guilt at refusing her in her obvious need. Again torn between decisions, I walked back to the smithy. They all turned to look at me. Felix grinned and made kissing motions with his pouting mouth. Euric frowned at me and at Felix.
Wandal came forward and removed some grass from my forehead. 'What, eh? You talked for a long time?' he said critically. I nodded, not bothering to explain.
Then I remembered Koun was waiting. 'Felix? Since you are my servant, I own your wealth, too. Give the coins back to my friends, and cheat them again at your own peril. I know you have coins from a certain night, so you do not need theirs.'
'I have no coins! Your father's men stole them, the dogs! And your friends? They are poor gamblers! I did not …' he started, and then Ansbor laughed. Felix shrieked, and Wandal growled as they frisked him.
I ran uphill and found Koun sitting near Father's hall, eating a meager dish from a cheap bowl. A strong stave was next to him, and he wore a simple tunic. He had cut his mustaches and was growing a wild beard. A warrior was watching him from the shadows of a nearby hall. Koun looked more like a slave than a famous warlord. He noticed me coming but kept eating. I walked up to him. He ignored me until I sat down before him. He looked drawn, the man who had killed Hulderic. The scar I had given him in the battle was angry red, and I half hoped the spear had hit him in the eye. Yet, somehow, the man seemed less hateful to me. Honor demanded he should die, but he did not look the mighty foe he had that day.
He put the bowl away. 'You are late. But then, I expected you to be late, so I ate. I have few things I can do anyway, but wait,' he told me, licked his deft fingers, and grabbed a stave he threw my way before picking up his own. 'Beating you is likely the best fun there is to be had in this hill of shit, so get ready.'
'I won't be as easy to beat as it is to slay a helpless boy in the woods,' I said venomously, grabbing the wooden weapon.
He looked confused but shrugged. 'Now, as for today and the future. Your father, he expects me to make this most painful and visible. Part of the many lessons he hopes you will learn. I know how to do that. Hunfrid, my elder brother, he made Vannius and me feel such pain and humiliation when he trained us. Our smallest b
rother, he died in such a training, but I expect you to eat it up. That death of our brother was something we swore to pay Hunfried back for, and I shall practice on you,' he told me casually as he got up.
I grunted. I noticed Gernot and Ansigar lounging nearby, grinning.
Koun nodded. 'Indeed. They will enjoy this. You two hate each other, and evidently, your father hates you as well. You do not have the talent for diplomacy, I think.'
'I have my dignity, and Father would have me sniveling on the ground before him and my mongrel of a brother,' I told him, and he laughed.
'You are much like Vannius. He also has stupid notions about his importance. But he thrives now. The idiot actually enjoys your friend, Tudrus, who treats him better than our father, Vago, ever did. The Quadi treats him like a proper son! They were both here, but I did not see him. My own brother. They keep us apart, and so, here I am, serving your father,' he told me bitterly, leering at me with hostility, gathering anger. 'So let me serve him well by thrashing you.'
'You killed my grandfather,' I said with a warning.
'So I did, and he nearly killed me. We had honor between us, and he understood,' Koun said, whirling his stave experimentally. 'He was a great lord. He would have slain me if not for my father distracting him. I was helpless as a drunken mule. My arm and shoulder still hurts, and on that shoulder, there is a wound that is hard to mend.'
His respect for Hulderic made me frown. I shook my head to focus. 'That day, a friend of mine,' I started, poking him with the stave, 'died in the woods. Boy years younger than I am. He was waiting for me while I was captured by you. Did you kill him?'
He pushed me back, nodding. 'So that is what you meant. No, I did not. However, Hraban, you know if I had seen him, I would have taken him captive, and if he had tried to run, I would have killed him. He would have warned the village. It is the way of war. But in this case, I did not.'
I shook my head in anger. 'How do I know you …'
'I do not lie!' he said, his face red from indignation. 'I do not, by Jupiter, Hercules and Woden, lie.'
I sneered. 'What was the secret you had to hide, the day Father was going to drown you? Did you not lie then, or at least betray your fine principles? Surely you are not a perfect warrior?'
He looked stricken, vindictive, and destroyed. He took the stave with trembling hands. 'I lied then, perhaps I did, Hraban, or at least betrayed my principles, but I did it all for Vannius.'
'What did you hide?'
'The truth about the man who sent us word where your father is,' he blurted, but then clamped his mouth tight as if he was grinding a stone between his molars, apparently regretting the anger.
'Bero or Balderich?' I prodded him.
'Perchance,' he hissed reluctantly.
'Well, which one? Both, according to Catualda, are guilty.' My voice had a hysterical note in it. 'Balderich …'
He shook his head, tired of the topic. 'Balderich, yes. Yes, indeed. It is all good. We will survive, Vannius and I. Perhaps all this suffering grows us stronger so we can grow famous and hardened like the best steel, and so take Hunfrid down, and save my sister Shayla from our mad father. Stop, I beg, please stop asking questions,' he damned me, and then composed himself.
I felt queasy at his words. 'Was it or was it not Bero or Balderich? This is what Father feared, that you would confuse the matter. You are playing with my head.'
He spat and breathed hard, for a while looking at me with pity. Finally, he slumped a bit and shook his head. 'Shall we begin?'
I pushed him bitterly with my fist. 'I want to know what …'
'I swore to your father, boy. I have given hard oaths to him, to my own bastard father and to the lovely Shayla, my sister, but…'
I cursed him. 'And you talk to me about Vago and Shayla, as if I give a shit? Vago killed my helpless mother. The bitch sister of yours blessed my mother's blood as it dripped down to the river. Let them both rot, I say.'
With that, he beat me. He did it for two hours straight, and it was more punishment than training.
When he finally relented, I was a shaking, black, and blue husk, and the Marcomanni surrounding the blood-spattered hall were mumbling and shaking their heads. Father would be happy. They would all think we were enemies, but Koun's words still bothered me, even through the veil of pain. He spat as he regarded me, his hair matted with sweat. 'She is no bitch, you self-loathing son of a turd, and as for Bero and Balderich, I have nothing to tell you,' he said, softly. 'Tomorrow, be on time.' He left, raging still.
With that, Ansigar came to me, moving slowly, and I got up to take water from a gourd. He shook his head. He swatted the gourd from my hand. I turned at him, but kept my peace. He gathered confidence from my sorry condition. 'No, Hraban. Now you serve Gernot, my lord, and you will not drink. I'll tell when you drink, and no longer do I have to see you and the oafish Wandal making our plans. Now, I have plans of my own,' he told me, as if to a child.
I looked at him, and the face that had once been a friend's face, and an ugly one, granted, but not as loathed as it was now. I sighed. 'I do not know how, but I hope we can patch things up. We have known each other for the longest time. Can we make peace?' I asked him.
He hesitated. He glanced over at Gernot, who was lounging by the nearby woods, gesturing impatiently for Ansigar. He said nothing, indecisive for just a moment, but then, he shook his head. 'You know, you never visited my home. A hut far from your hall? Did you know where it was? No? You never came. Never. Nor did you ask how I live, and what I have. Instead, you took it for granted that I would serve you. I did.'
'It is not my fault …'
His face was gleeful. 'Never your fault, no. I will serve your brother. You do not fully understand him and his future. And I think I will marry Ishild one day. I have always liked her, and like her now, especially since she has a heart for you. I do enjoy your futile anger as I will have something of yours.'
I shook my head in simmering outrage. Even if I had turned Ishild down, I could not ignore his insult and obvious despise for me. 'Bold, you are,' I hissed at him, 'to risk the wrath of that family and mine. You must have lost your wits.'
'No, things will change one day. I will be a great man, well worth such a woman. You just wait and see. Now, you will come, and clean the place Bero's men used to shit at. Gernot wishes it moved. You will move it. With your hands.'
The thought of the bastard taking something he presumed was important to me was enough to make him my lifelong enemy. She was, I realized, a friend, at least, and Ishild was not well. I understood her family was a thing of deepest nightmares, but Ansigar wanted her and more, wanted to see me suffer. For the death of me, I could not understand how much he resented me. I stood there, gathering strength to pummel him, but instead took a deep breath and bit my tongue so hard it bled. I remembered Father's words for patience, and knew the only way above Gernot was to crawl, and to wait for my father's plans to fall into place.
I obeyed, and I think they were both surprised I did.
I hated them both, weak Gernot and ruthless Ansigar. I shoveled old shit, served them cool drinks, and held my painful peace in terrible shame, as they enjoyed their torment of me. They would not touch me, no, but what they did to me, trying to break my honor, was worse than any savage whipping.
Days moved on, and I endured.
The Cherusci had left, save for Armin, who still rode the wide country. The Chatti left soon after, and I was surprised to find I liked the three men and missed them. Tudrus left secretively and came back. There were many Quadi riding back and forth between our lands, and there was obviously some kind of struggle going on. I would witness Father cursing Tudrus to Nihta a few times those first weeks. I trained for the whole of long Drimilchi, four painful weeks, and suffered at Nihta and Koun's hands such bruises that I forgot how to cry. Koun's words haunted me, but he would not speak to me again, being my silent nemesis, and I was burning to make him open up to me, regretting the way I had gone about finding
his secret in the first place. Yet, true to his oaths, he would not let his guard down, not once. He only beat me, even if I was getting much better with my quickening legs and with the mockery of a spear in general, and got hurt less, even if he tried his best.
I served Father, patiently, and suffered Gernot, who held many an important meeting for the quarrelsome villagers, lording over people seeking justice. I supposed he did well enough, those first weeks, and men praised his even-handed way of interpreting delicate law. I supposed he did Father great favors by taking the role and sparing him such mundane affairs. When he was not doing this, he haunted me, ordered me about, had me stand in drenching rain and scalding sun, and called me uncouth names in front of the village elders. Gods know how many hard errands I had to run with Ansigar guarding. I did them well. I think it is possible none else knew so thoroughly the many shit holes of Hard Hill, for I cleaned and re-dug most of them. I hated the two bastards with unrivaled passion.
Ermendrud came around the smithy late in the evenings, and I kept her out of the sight of my friends. She brought me very good food from Balderich's table, we spoke softly, and I was surprised to find I liked her and laughed with her, and she made me happy after a day of utter misery. She never judged me, not once, nor did she ask me to stand up to myself when she witnessed Gernot and Ansigar humiliating me. She trusted I had a plan, and helped me, and I bemoaned myself for enjoying her company, reminding myself Gunda was a princess of the mighty Chatti. Yet, for our mutual pleasure, never heeding the many risks, I took her to woods, and we enjoyed the simple pleasures of lovemaking. In truth, I was in no hurry to find her another man, for I needed her.
At the end of Drimilchi, she was massaging my neck by the riverside. She whispered to me. 'I have some wealth left from Father, hidden. I will buy you a great spear and a shield, and a small horse, when we marry. But how will you get me a dowry?'
I grunted. I had neither wealth nor prospects of getting any. Even my fine horn was missing. 'I have to get my simple shield and spear before I can join any marauding lord on raids. No wealth before that.'
The Oath Breaker: A Novel of Germania and Rome (Hraban Chronicles Book 1) Page 32
