by Iris Deorre
He gazed at her intently.
‘We die because we don’t care, because it’s not our problem. What happens else where doesn’t concern us, but that’s the problem. We’re all connected. What concerns one person concerns the other. So I’m making it my problem. A cure might not come in my life time, but I’m going to make damn sure it’s going to be in the life of our unborn child. One day, out of that country no one cares about lies the answer to cancer.’ She dropped to her knees and burst into tears.
‘What? Honey.’ He was by her side. ‘Oh my God, you’re pregnant. Honey, talk to me.’
But she couldn’t. She had been overwhelmed by it all. Too much had happened, and it couldn’t be articulated in words. Finally she nodded and fell into his arms. He kept her tight in his embrace, shut his eyes and just let it all sink in.
After a moment he led her to the couch and they sat down. He searched her eyes, there were so many questions, so many things he wanted to know, but didn’t have a clue where to start.
‘I haven’t been feeling well,’ she started. ‘I’ve been having dizzy spells, so I went to see my oncologist. I thought the cancer was back, but it’s not.’
His shoulders dropped, some of the fear had disappeared.
‘He told me I was pregnant, but…’ She wasn’t sure she wanted to tell him, but she knew that it concerned him as much as it concerned her.
‘But what honey?’ he searched her eyes, the pace of his heart picked up again. ‘It’s okay, you can tell me, we’re in this together.’
‘But.’ She took a deep breath. ‘But he advised me to terminate.’
He let out a deep breath, it left him as if a blow had been administered to his stomach. He took her hand in his and gave it a little squeeze.
‘Chemo has left my body weak, the pregnancy could put too much strain on my organs.’ Tears welled up. ‘I know it was silly not to think about pregnancy, but my life had been so hectic. I didn’t even think my eggs were okay after all the chemo I received.’
‘It’s okay,’ he said lightly, afraid to ask the question that lingered in his mind.
‘I told him I won’t go through with it. I can’t. I don’t want to terminate our child.’
His question had been answered. He shut his eyes briefly and then opened them.
‘Honey, what kind of risk is that?’ He had to ask.
‘Doctor Cross can’t tell me what exactly, but he said that my body is still trying to recover from chemo. I know this is going to be hard to hear, but I’m not going through with a termination.’
‘What about your health?’
‘I’ve fought worse. Please don’t fight me, I need you by my side.’
‘I’m not fighting you, I’m terrified of loosing you.’
‘That won’t happen.’
‘You can’t guarantee that.’
‘But I’m here now, that’s a guarantee, and the minutes after, I’ll still be here. Like you said, we all don’t know what the future holds. Things could change in an instant. Why make plans for things that haven’t happened.’
He loved her way of thinking, but sometimes he felt as though she took it too far. Sahara noticed the doubt in his eyes.
‘I need your support. I know that you might not always agree with the things I do, but you met me this way. I was never going to change, no amount of money can do that.’
‘I don’t want you to change, I just want you to think about certain things. The doctor may be right.’
‘That may be so, but it’s my life, and I’m choosing to keep the baby.’
‘At the risk of hurting yourself?’
‘We don’t know that, things might turn out fine.’ She looked into his eyes. ‘Honey, I know this terrifies you, it terrifies me too, but if I terminate our child, that part of me, the one that believes in possibilities, it will die too.’
He nodded, even though he couldn’t totally agree with her. He didn’t want to loose her, but he also understood that if he didn’t support her, he would have already lost her. It wasn’t a matter of her doing as he asked. She was right, she had to do what was best for her.
‘Thank you.’ She beamed. ‘We’re going to be parents!’ She was truly happy about the baby forming inside her.
‘Yes we are.’ He pursed back his lips.
‘Please don’t be sad.’
‘I’m not. I’m happy.’ He took her into his arms, pulled back and said. ‘At least think about it.’
‘I already have. I’m going to be okay.’
‘Okay. We’re going to be parents.’ He beamed.
‘Oh my God! I can’t believe it!’ She was so happy, happier than she’d ever been. ‘I can’t wait to be a mom. I never thought it would happen.’
He watched as her eyes lit up. If that was what it took for him to see that glow in her eyes, then he’d support her all the way, even though it might be hard to watch her. He hoped that she was right, he hoped that nothing would go wrong.
Chapter Seven
News travelled faster than an uncontrolled fire. Everyone was happy and excited. Emily was over the moon that she could compare pregnancy notes with her best friend. Elizabeth, even though she didn’t show it, was a bit concerned. She knew from past research that it wasn’t advisable for Sahara to have a baby, but she also knew what a fighter Sahara was.
‘I know what you’re thinking,’ Sahara had said one afternoon, when Elizabeth had invited them over for Sunday dinner.
‘You don’t know what I’m thinking.’ She’d replied as she checked on the roast in the oven.
‘You’re thinking that I’m risking my life having this baby.’ Sahara ignored her mother’s response.
‘Honey, you’re a grown woman and this is your life.’
‘That’s true, but I know you’re dying to tell me what I’m doing is risky.’
Her mother put down the oven gloves and looked at her daughter.
‘Okay, that’s true. I’m scared, honey.’
‘Don’t be. Look at me, I’m happy and glowing. This is what I want, it makes me happy.’
‘You just don’t want to bring a child into the world with the risk of having no mother.’
‘That’s not going to happen.’
‘How can you be so sure?’
‘I’m here right now aren’t I? So let’s focus on that.’
Elizabeth nodded. They’d decided not to focus on the negative anymore; it was just as easy to focus on the positive. Sahara had learned during her illness that there was always a choice to make, that all her emotions were always her responsibility to manage. It had been her way of life.
Alice had taken the news with great joy. Her positive attitude had rubbed off on Sahara years ago.
‘I think that you can do anything,’ she’d said.
‘Thank you Alice, I knew you’d understand.’
‘Don’t judge those who don’t, it takes experience, a tragic event to get you to different levels of understanding. All I’d say is understand their fear. Understand Eugene’s fear, it’s true to him.’
‘You’re right.’
Sahara had been too busy being excited that she hadn’t really stopped to think about how it was affecting him. He had been putting on a brave front.
‘Life is exciting, and with it comes ups and downs. It’s what we do when we’re in the downs that matter. You and I understand the downs, we’ve fought cancer, and we understand that we can never control things outside ourselves. But before then, I never saw life that way.’
‘Yes that’s true. I was a young teenager minding my own business, doing what I wanted to do. It took a lot of blows to build me up this strong.’
‘I’m sure Eugene has been through blows of his own, he might just be seeing things a little differently.’
****
That evening Sahara went home with a different mindset. Instead of feeling like she had to fight her cause, she ate a little bit of humble pie. Eugene wasn’t home when she’d arrived, but he’d called t
o tell her that he wasn’t far behind. Lawrence had left dinner ready for them, all she had to do was set the table.
She wandered upstairs to freshen up and think about their life ahead. She wanted to make it work and she wanted to make him happy, as much as he’d made her happy. She smiled at the thought, about what she wanted to tell him. As she combed through her ever growing hair, she heard him walk through the front door. Her heart skipped! She felt excitement knowing that he was downstairs and soon she’d be close to him.
‘Honey, I’m home,’ she shouted.
‘I’ll be down in a sec.’
He pulled off his coat and headed straight for the kitchen. It had been a long and stressful day, all he wanted to do was unwind. In the back of his mind, there was always the thought that things could go terribly wrong with the pregnancy, but he tried to stay positive for her sake. He opened the fridge and pulled out a well deserved beer. He was about to put the cold beverage to his lips when he heard her step in behind him.
‘You still make my heart stop every time I see you,’ he said and took her into his arms. ‘You may be a stubborn woman at times, but at least you keep me wanting more.’
Sahara giggled and met his eager kiss. His embrace was always warm, and she never felt any rejection from him even after all they’d been through. She pulled back, looked up at him and smiled.
‘After our precious one is born.’ She smiled. ‘I want to marry you.’ She giggled.
His lips turned into a broad smile.
‘I want an amazing wedding, with our little one by our side.’ She felt goose bumps pattern her arms.
‘You have just made me the happiest man on the planet.’ He picked her up and swirled her around.
‘Stop, you’re making me dizzy,’ she laughed. ‘I love you Mister Gallagher.’
‘I love you more.’
She suddenly turned serious, and touched the side of his face.
‘I want to apologise.’
‘For what honey, there isn’t anything you have to apologise for.’
‘Yes there is, I’ve been so wrapped up in my own positivity bubble, I never stopped to think how it’s been for you.’
‘Don’t worry about me, I understand.’
‘You don’t have to be strong for me. I know that what I’m doing is risky, and it’s okay to be afraid.’
He smiled lightly, not taking his eyes away from her.
‘You’re here, right now aren’t you?’ he said. ‘That’s what you say, don’t you.’
She giggled. ‘Yes it is.’
‘Then, I’m standing here with you. I may not grasp all that you do and say, but as long as I can be by your side, that’s all that matters.’
‘Wow.’ She relaxed her head into his chest. ‘I’m a very lucky woman.’
‘Nope, I’m the lucky one. Do you realise how you changed my life, from that crazy donation to just being you. I go into the office looking at things differently. I make business deals based on how it will benefit more people and just not me. I use to want to make as much money as possible, now I want to see how much I do can make a difference.’
Eugene had certainly changed. He’d never thought it was possible that a person could change, but he certainly had.
‘I used to be a playboy, chase beautiful women.’
‘Hmmm, I heard about that.’ She teased. ‘What happened to that guy?’
‘He fell in love, he found meaning, he found you.’ He lifted her chin. ‘Chasing women can only give an artificial high for so long, but being with you, that’s a lifetime of joy. I don’t even find the same women I used to, attractive anymore.’ He laughed. ‘You’ve cast a spell on me.’
She laughed.
‘The truth is, I think I’ve just become more of myself and less of who I thought I had to be. You allow that in me, and I find myself just wanting to be more of who you bring out of me.’
Sahara was speechless. She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but either one would be a good emotion. She knew that with him by her side, she could beat anything.
****
The weeks turned into months. First and second scans had come and gone. Sahara had begun to feel the baby kick. She had been closely monitored by the doctors, and against all their judgment, she was doing very well.
Emily had made it her job to make sure Sahara was resting, but it was hard to find Sahara resting. Her job brought her peace, and she couldn’t give it up, but she’d cut down on the hours and Elizabeth had stepped into help. A couple of times Eugene had to be out of the country on business, he’d almost not left her, but she had to push him out of the house, let her breathe. Sahara didn’t like being smothered, and his concern had done just that, even though she knew he meant well.
She’d spent a lot more time at Eugene’s house, he’d kept telling her that it was hers too, but she’d found it hard to adjust. But she wanted their child to be brought into a bigger place, hers was hardly spacious for a new family. The nursery had also began to take shape, not that she’d done much except point at pretty pictures and things she wanted, and other people, taken under Eugene’s payroll did the work.
Early one morning as she got ready to leave the house for work, she had to stop a moment and lean onto the wall for support. The passage rotated, the floors looked as though they were moving and she felt a little sick to the stomach. She took a deep breath. So far during the pregnancy she hadn’t had any real problems and the early morning sickness had subsided.
Sahara’s heart picked up pace, it wasn’t a feeling she was used to. She held onto the base of her growing belly and took in more deep breaths.
‘You’re okay.’ She told herself. ‘You’re okay.’ She moved towards the living-room, sat down and took a moment.
It took her a while to feel better. The spinning had stopped and she could breathe a lot better. It had been a little scare, but she was confident things were okay.
‘All is well.’ She fiddled for her mobile in her handbag and called for the driver. ‘Probably wise not to drive today.’ She waited for Eugene’s driver to pick up.
Eugene was out of the country and wasn’t due for another four days. It was hard for him to leave her, but she was okay. Sahara was never one to act like an invalid.
The driver turned up forty minutes later and thirty minutes later, Sahara was at work.
‘Are you alright honey?’ her mother asked concerned.
‘I’m fine mum, just a little out of breath.’
Elizabeth gazed at Alice who shook her head. It was her advice to let Sahara ask for help on her own, rather than force it. Sahara took a few steps across the shop and into the back room, just those few steps had felt like she’d just climbed Mount Everest. Her heart started to pick up pace again, and fear gripped the pit of her stomach. She held onto her belly and said a little prayer.
‘You’re doing just fine, we’re doing just fine,’ she whispered at the end of the prayer.
Alice walked in and found Sahara leaning against the chair.
‘Sahara?’ she rushed over to her. ‘Honey?’
‘I’m fine, I’m just tired. This pregnancy is getting exhausting.’ She tried to joke.
‘Maybe you should take the day off, relax a bit.’
‘I won’t be able to relax. Sitting at home would be a lot more stressful.’
‘But you don’t look too great.’
Sahara was silent, not because she didn’t want to answer, but because she didn’t think she could hang on for much longer. Alice took one look at her and called for Elizabeth.
Elizabeth stepped in to find her daughter out of breath.
‘Call an ambulance, something’s wrong!’ said Alice.
‘What…ever….happens…make…sure…my baby…’
‘Sssh, you save all that breath to tell your baby yourself,’ Alice encouraged.
‘There was… a…risk…’ She sucked in a deep breath as much as she could. ‘Keeping the baby…it’s been worth…it…if I don’t make it…
’
‘What have I told you about trying to predict the future?’ Alice said sternly. ‘You’re here, now, be here, your energy is needed here.’
Sahara nodded, but soon her whole body felt weak. It was as if something horrible had sucked out all the life out of her body, and left something dark and unpleasant. Her eyes shut and her body dropped to the floor.
‘Sahara! Sahara!’
Elizabeth ran to her daughter’s side still on the phone.
‘Sahara?!’ she panicked.
‘Miss Young, are you still with me?’ asked a voice on the other end of the phone.
‘Yes, but my daughter, she’s collapse.’
‘An ambulance is on its way.’
She nodded and listened to further instruction. She had to focus, she had to be the mother Sahara knew and trusted. Elizabeth reached for her daughter’s neck, and placed her two fingers on the side gently.
‘Yes, there’s still a pulse, but it’s very light.’
Elizabeth and Alice rolled her gently into the recovery position, the siren could be heard in the distance, getting closer and closer…
****
Eugene walked towards a meeting room. He’d tried to see as much of Italy as time would allow so that he could describe it to Sahara, when she asked him. A very important meeting was about to happen, which could make him one of the richest men in Britain. As he walked a woman called after him.
‘Eugene? Is that you?’
Before he turned he knew that voice. It was Holly, the beautiful blond he’d met a few years ago. They’d met in one of the many meetings he had, and there was no surprise she was at this one. They’d had a few passionate nights together, but she wasn’t the woman he’d love to spend the rest of his life with.
‘Wow, Holly, good to see you.’ He smiled.
