by Jaci J
4
Captain Dick Face
Lil
I’m sitting here on the side of the hospital bed as I watch my feet dangle above the floor. I really hate these hospital gowns. They could, at the very least, have a back on them. Why an open back? I mean, I could see the point if you had an issue with your back, but what if you’ve got an issue with your front? What then? Stupid ass hospital gowns. I’m guessing a man designed them.
“Imma slip mine around so the back is in the front. Ya know, give the hot doctor a little show.” Peaches says from the bed across from me while wiggling her eyebrows.
“Or a heart attack, he looks like he’s gay,” I counter. Throwing her head back, she laughs.
“Either way,” she says giving me a lazy shrug. “You’d really give him a show if ya just got totally naked.”
“Yeah, but he’d probably call in security and my ass would get arrested and exiled from the hospital.” That’s all I would need. Arrested for purposely flashing a doctor.
A loud commotion comes from the hall, people shouting and yelling.
“Here comes crazy.” Peaches announces. Instantly I know who it is. No need to see, only Tank would bring that much commotion with him. When Peaches called Gin, she explained everything to him so I know he’s not freaking out. That can only leave one person.
The door kicks open and Tanks panic-stricken self comes stomping into the room in a fury. His fists are flying and his feet are stomping. I can only see his cut covered back, but I know he’s close to killing every person in here. I know he’s drunk, which has him barely hanging on.
“Don’t give ‘a fuck if I’m not married to her or related, she’s my Old Lady. Education for your ass. You try n’ remove me from this motherfuckin’ hospital, I will snap your neck n’ burn this place down!” He shouts in a man’s face. Some big guy in a lab coat tries to grab him, and of course, Tank just shoves him out of his way like the guy weighs nothing.
“Tank! Please calm down. Look at me, I’m fine.” Those wild blue eyes find me, and something along the lines of terror and anger stare back at me. Tearing back the hospital curtain, he barges his way into the room to get to me.
“Jesus fuckin’ Christ! What the fuck happened?”
“Some old fart in a station wagon t-boned that cute little Benz I was drivin’,” Peaches pouts at Gin. God she will not stop talking about that damn car. “I liked that one too, boo boo.” she whimpers pathetically.
He just ignores her comment and hands her her shoes, looking completely annoyed and tired.
“Put your shit on babe so we can get the hell out of here. Not in the mood to go to jail today.”
“But I liked that car baby,” she whines at him again. She’s really putting on a show. She told the doctor she needed pain meds. She even told the nurse she’s going to need a wheelchair to get to the truck. Lazy, spoiled bitch.
Gin waved off the wheelchair. “Gotcha n’ I’ll get ya one just like it if ya shut the fuck up ‘bout it.”
Giving my forehead a kiss, Gin grumbles down at me.
“You gonna be okay with Captain Dick Face over there?” he nods over at Tank who’s having a mental break down in the corner. He keeps going back and forth between sitting and standing, pulling on his hair and looking like a fucking lunatic who didn’t take his meds.
Nodding at Gin, I can only roll my eyes. “Yeah I’m good. I’ll see ya in the morning.”
Gin scoops Peaches up bride style and heads for the door while she throws a wicked grin over his shoulder at me, she says to him in her sweet baby voice, “Baby, my back hurts. You gonna rub it for me at home?” That little shithead.
“Night babe,” I tell her before they leave.
“Night sweet cheeks,” she calls back before they’re through the door.
****
“Can’t handle this fuckin’ shit. Always worryin’. Always drivin’ myself crazy.” Tank rants as he paces back and forth in the living room. Jesus, we just walked in the front door. I barely made it to the couch before he was having a fucking break down.
“I’m gonna end up dead.”
Yes, he is. I’m going to kill him my damn self.
He can’t take it? What the fuck did I do? I tip toe around him, cater to him every second of the day. I always keep my mouth shut and smile when I really want to kick him in his fucking ass. I try everything to make this all easier on him.
“You can’t take what? My love, my loyalty? Please be more specific.” I know I’m picking a fight, but Christ, doesn’t he see that this shit is hard on me too? It’s not always only about him.
“Every fuckin’ thing,” he yells as he pulls at his hair. “Every goddamn thing Lilly. I just can’t take worryin’ somethin’ is gonna happen to you. I can’t live like this.”
So, he can’t live like this? Join my club. I’ve been living with this. I’ve been living with his special brand of crazy for so fucking long, putting up with his needy ass. I’ve done it all with a smile and shoulder to lean on. I put my shit aside to help him though all of this. Sometimes I just want to scream “WHAT ABOUT ME?” Sometimes I just want to pack my shit and run. I shouldn’t have to hold his hand through every single thing, but I do. I do it because I fucking love him.
“You’re worried about the wreck?” He looks at me like the question is completely stupid, like my words make no damn sense.
He’s really making a bigger deal than necessary for this accident though. If he weren’t so fucking drunk, he would know that we were going fifteen miles an hour through the intersection. The old guy was turning at the wrong time and hit us, at like five miles an hour. The car doesn’t even have a dent, only a long scratch. The dealership insisted we be checked out for insurance purposes only. Life happens. I don’t know what he wants me to do? Never leave the house? Fuck, maybe I should take up residency in a goddamn bubble attached to him.
It’s not just what happened today though. I know it’s not. It’s so much fucking bigger. It’s so big it’s beyond me now. The accident isn’t what’s caused this, it’s what is bringing all the shit to the surface. This has been building, and he’s letting this shit weigh on him and it’s taking its toll. It’s wearing him down. Fuck, it’s wearing me down.
“Tank I’m fine. You’re gettin’ upset for no reason.”
“For no reason?” He says quietly; too damn quietly. I’m not sure what’s scarier. Tank being loud and raging or when he’s quite and subdued.
“Yes Tank, no reason. You’ve been drinking and maybe that has you like this, but everything is fine, okay?”
“Fuck Lil! You just don’t fuckin’ get it.” He explodes.
My heart twists in my chest. I know he’s going through something, but he won’t let me in. He won’t let me try to help so I have no clue where to go from here. I can only stay at home so much before it wears on me, and I can only reassure him so much until it becomes just background noise. Nothing I do or say works, so I don’t say anything. I just stare at him and watch him slowly kill himself with worry.
“Then help me. Help me get it Tank!” He only shakes his head. His face falls before he opens the door and walks though it without a second look. He shuts me out. Again.
****
The room tips slightly. The floor feels sloped and uneven under my extremely heavy feet, but my body sways unprovoked to the music. God I hate this fucking song, but I can’t stop myself. If I close one eye, and squint the other one, the man I’m dancing with kind of looks like the thirty year old cowboy version of George Clooney. This was a good idea six shots of Jose ago. Tank left, so I called Peaches and she brought me here. Now my dancing partner’s too-tight Levis covered dick is pressing into my thigh and his small hands are roaming places that are going to get them removed.
Why I said yes to Peaches, I’ll never know. She said shots and I was game. Probably not the best idea ‘cause drinking while on emotional overload never ends well.
“Thanks for the dance.” I try to smil
e at him, but I’m sure it’s looking more like a squeamish, half-assed lip curl.
I dodge grabby hands and head for the bar. I plant my ass on the stool next to Peaches and she looks at me for a second before we both burst into a crazy drunk cackle, hanging onto the bar and hanging off one another.
“Haha! How’d ya like his jeans?” She laughs while thrusting at me like a fucking pervert. I can only roll my eyes, well at least try to roll them anyway.
“I think they were tighter than your jeans.” I’m surprised she can move in those things.
“But they were so fuckin’ sexy,” she deadpans. I can’t hold it. I laugh until my sides hurt and I have tears rolling down my cheeks. This is why I said yes … I needed this. I needed it so fucking desperately. We both just keep laughing until Peaches face sobers and her eyes narrow.
“Jesus Christ, I told them it was girls night.”
Turning my head, I see Tank walking toward me. He reaches me in a few swaggered steps and his body is instantly on mine. Leaning into my side, he sets his rough hand obscenely high on my thigh. His fingers are pretty fucking close to my panties and digging into my skin which makes my skin tingle and my blood heat. I know that look in his eyes. This is when he wants me. This is a small piece of the old Tank I miss so fucking much. I’ll take this Tank even if it is alcohol induced and only lasts for a short time. I’ll take him however I can get him anymore.
“Need you baby,” he whispers roughly in my ear, biting down on my ear lobe hard.
I give him a smile and tell him, “Let’s go.”
****
“Lean over that table, baby,” Tanks gruff deep voice says against my neck, right below my ear. That sexy as fuck scruff on his face is rubbing roughly on my neck, causing some pain. His chest and stomach are pressed into my naked back while my hips are pushed into the table and my ass is in the air. The soft material of his shirt rubbing on my back gives me goose bumps. I shiver involuntarily as he kisses the scar on my back, running his tongue over my skin.
“Never understand why the fuck you love me baby.” He growls softly, sounding pained. I wish he wouldn’t say things like that. It breaks my heart.
Running his hand through my hair, he wraps it around his hand and roughly pulls my head back onto his shoulder. His other hand is at the base of my neck, his thumb running back and forth lightly. “But you do n’ I thank fuck every day for that shit.”
“Fuck Tank. Please.” He moves his hand that’s not holding my hair to my hip, gripping it so tight I feel his fingernails bite into my skin. He pounds harder into me as my legs shake and my body tightens. Kicking my feet further apart, he thrusts even deeper. He starts gliding his hand from my hip, up my stomach to my tits, grabbing a handful and painfully, he squeezes hard. The table legs scrape on the floor while I fight not to want this, but my body fights harder and it wins; it wants this and it gives into him. He’s so rough, and pounding into me so hard, I know he’ll leave bruises. He buries himself deep inside me with each fierce hit.
“Give … it … up … for … me.” Pushing into me, I hear a sharp hiss leave his clenched jaw. Shit starts to go fuzzy on me. My eyes fight to roll back into my head and my legs want to give out on me.
“Damn. Please. Fuck. … Fuck” Pulling on my hips, he reaches down to lift one leg higher, getting a better angle to go even deeper. I’m so fucking wet that it’s running down my thigh. His hard rough hand lands on my ass with a sting. Biting down on my lip, Tank bites my shoulder and I lose it. I let it all go. “Fuckin’ Christ baby.” Slamming into me, he’s relentless. “Tell me this pussy is mine, Lil.” he demands with another hard slap. “Say it baby!”
“Fuck. It’s yours, it’s always fucking yours … fuck.”
“That’s right baby. All fucking mine till the day I die.”
****
Lying in bed I can’t sleep. I know it’s got to be at least two in the morning, and Tank’s been gone for hours now. He fucked me, then he left. This is nothing new. It used to make me feel used and cheap, but after a few months of it, I’ve just grown numb to it like everything else in my life right now. I tried to call his phone, but of course, he turned it off. I called the club looking for him and Leo said he was around there somewhere. I didn’t want to talk to him, I just wanted to make sure he was okay. I hate this wedge he insists on driving between us. He’s always holding every unforeseen accident and lurking danger against me. He knows that he’s tearing us apart, but he doesn’t seem to care.
I’m scared shitless when I hear my phone ring from the nightstand, waking me from a restless sleep a while later.
“Hello?”
“Aye sis. Get down here n’ get him before I kill him.” Gin growls into the phone, clearly pissed off.
“Okay,” I sigh. I just don’t have the fight in me anymore. Before all this, I would have told Gin to deal with it, but no one but me wants to deal with him anymore. I’m getting too tired of this shit myself.
“Sis?” He calls before I can hang up.
“Yeah?”
“None of this is your fault, ya know that, right? It’s his issue, his problem. This is all Tanks fuck up.”
Is it though? I want to believe him. I want his words to be the truth, but they’re not. He wouldn’t be feeling this way if it weren’t for me. I know it’s not my fault, but I do know I inadvertently played a hand in it.
“Okay.”
****
I finally got him into the house. It took Stitch and Rampage thirty minutes to convince him to get in the car with me when I showed up. He kept saying things like, “Why would I go with that bitch? She ruined my life.” Or,“I can’t even look at her. I love her so much it makes me sick.” How could that shit not hurt. The way he looked at me with such disdain killed me. They always say you speak the truth when you’re drunk.
In my heart, I know he’s speaking from the heart. I know he feels that way; he doesn’t even have to say it ‘cause I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. I also know he loves me, but struggles with it. This is a losing battle for the both of us now. I finally see it.
“C’mere baby,” he grumbles at me from the doorway while I slip my clothes back off.
“You should try and get some sleep.” I tell him when he sways on his feet and holds onto the doorframe. He’s leaning against the door shirtless, his jeans unbuttoned, and his boots missing as he stares holes though me with that look in his eyes. He’s not too drunk to get undressed, but he’s too drunk to reason with.
“Not fuckin’ sleep babe. I wanna fuck my woman again.”
I should have left him at the club. I should have let Gin just beat him.
“Tank you’re drunk,” I tell him like he doesn’t already know. I’m stalling. I’m trying to push back the inevitable where I let him love me his way and then leave me feeling like shit.
“Yeah, n’ you should shut the fuck up n’ get naked.”
I never thought I’d be here with him. I never thought I’d love someone so much, yet hate them at the same time. He’s driving me to resent him. He’s pushing that hate into my heart. I’ve always wanted him. Since the moment we met, I’ve wanted him in my life. I always want him fucking me, I would have never turned him down. Now it just scares me. Will this last time be it? Will this last time be the time my love crumbles completely? Will this be the time he ruins me forever.
I don’t know how we got here. How did I let him drift so far away from me? I go to him again anyway. No matter how much we hate each other on the surface, deep down there’s love. Deep down there’s so much more.
Walking toward him, I know I can’t do it anymore. In my heart I can’t do this every day for the rest of my life. I can’t do it to myself or to him anymore. It’s not fair to either of us, but for tonight I can’t tell him no, no matter how much it hurts to say yes.
5
Dirty Sheets
Tank
I wake up alone in bed. I fucking hate that shit. Not waking up to her body near mine i
nstantly sends my mood to shit. Sitting up, I look over to her side of the bed. The sheet is tore away from the mattress, and clothes are thrown all over the place. The comforter is barely hanging on to the edge of the bed ‘cause most of it’s on the floor. A little bit of her makeup is smeared on her pillow.
I watched her dance in that bar last night. That body so goddamn hypnotizing and sinful I had to fuck her. Then I fucked her again after she brought me back home. I watched that little shit play grab ass with my girl. I didn’t like it, but she pushed him away with a face smothered in pure disgust, so I let it be. I let it be, because I was hungry for her. I needed her and I knew if I killed that little cowboy puke, Lil would have made me work for it. I wasn’t in the mood to work for it, so I was good, got her home and fucked her. I fucked her, and because I felt guilty, I had a drink. Then I felt guilty for leaving her in bed so I fucked her again.
Thinking about Lil last night, my cock starts to throb painfully. She was so goddamn perfect bent over that table for me, letting me fuck her the only way I can anymore. Taking everything from her like I always do. I can see that long dark hair laying down her back, soft and smooth, begging to be wrapped around my hand, her legs shaking and her body shivering against mine as I sink into her over and over again. Her pussy is tight and warm, gripping the fuck out of my dick as I pound into her balls deep. She screams, moans and begs for me. No matter how many times, how many ways, or where I fuck her, it’s like the first time. So fucking good it makes my balls ache and my toes curl just thinking about it. It makes me want to find her, throw her down, and sink my dick into her again.
Walking into the kitchen, I hear female voices followed by Lil’s laugh. That’s the easy going, soft laugh that I never get from her anymore.
“How you doin’ darlin’?” That’d be Kiki. I hear Lil sigh, and that sigh says more than words. That’s a sad, tired sigh. I shouldn’t listen because I don’t wanna to hear a damn thing these bitches have to say about me or my fuckin’ relationship. They’ll say shit they don’t know a goddamn thing about.
