by Len Webster
“If I said I wanted to be intimate with you, would you let me?”
“Peyton,” he breathed, his thumbs brushing her arms. “We’ve been together a month.”
The disappointment swept her face. “So you don’t want to?”
“I didn’t say that.” He dropped his hands from her, signalling that he’d do whatever it was she wanted.
Then he heard her dress unzip and Cooper swallowed hard. Her purple floral dress had loosened at the bust before she pulled her arms free and then shimmied out of it, letting the clothing fall to her ankles. His girlfriend, the woman he loved, stood before him in a lavender coloured lace bra and panty set.
She was stunning.
She was breathtaking.
It was as if the air in his lungs had thinned at the sight of her. Peyton was beautiful. That nervous gleam in her eyes had him reaching for her shoulder and pulling her into his kiss. Her fingers were in his hair, deepening their contact.
This kiss of theirs felt stronger than before.
Maybe it was because they were at their most vulnerable state.
Whatever it was, this kiss had become one of his favourite moments of his life.
“Cooper,” she muttered against his mouth.
He pulled back to see her panting. Then Peyton brushed his hair back and gave him a small smile.
“I haven’t been with anyone in a long time.” She paused, biting her lip nervously. “What I’m saying is that I’ve only been with one man in my life, and I don’t know how I … I don’t …”
“Hey,” he said as he wound his arms around her lower back. “We’ll take this slow, okay?”
She nodded. “Okay, slow.”
“Do you trust me, Peyton?”
“I do,” she answered, taking what was left of his heart as hers.
The bright and warm sunlight hitting his face had Cooper groaning. He didn’t have to know how early it was because he felt it. Deciding to keep his eyes closed for a minute longer, he allowed himself one moment alone to remember. To allow the memories of his and Peyton’s lovemaking to flash behind closed eyelids. Twice they had made love. Eyes never leaving each other.
Each moan.
Each sigh of his name.
Her fingers pressing into his flesh.
Her heavy breaths.
And finally, her coming apart.
It was slow. Fingers and lips had explored before they made love. It was a night of firsts for him. He’d never experienced such passion and love before. If he wasn’t sure he was in love with Peyton Spencer before, he was now. He had whispered, ‘God, you’re beautiful, Peyton,’ before he had fallen asleep with her in her arms. She hadn’t said anything. Instead, she had exhaled and fallen asleep. Cooper had followed moments later.
For a second, he swore he heard the sounds of a sniff.
He thought nothing of it as his left hand sought out Peyton’s soft and toned body. His palm came across nothing but the cool mattress and it jolted him up. He looked down at where she was supposed to lay and found her spot empty. Cooper glanced at the door to find it shut. He was about to jump out of bed when he found Peyton dressed in a cream nightdress with her head against her knees, and arms wrapped around her legs, in the corner of the room.
Then there was a soft cry from her; he instantly pulled the covers off and got out of her bed.
Shit.
Oh, shit.
Cooper had retrieved his boxer briefs from the floor and quickly slipped them on before he rushed to her. He bent down, his heart inflamed and his breathing laboured.
“Peyton,” he said cautiously, terrified of what was about to happen.
She let out a small cry and a sniff.
“You need to leave, Cooper,” she said almost inaudible.
Words that caused the immediate crack of his heart.
“What?”
She lifted her head, and he saw it.
Regret.
Regret and guilt filled her glassy light blue eyes. He saw the torment, and it broke his heart. He hated her tears. Hated that he was the reason for them. Her lip quivered as she untangled her arms and got up. He mirrored her actions, standing up as well. She wiped her tears away as he shook his head in disbelief.
“Peyton, why are you crying?”
“Please go. You have to leave,” she said, her eyelids fluttered as if she were attempting not to cry.
Cooper reached for her hands, but she pulled away and pressed her back to the wall.
“Are you breaking up with me?” he asked in a strained voice.
That had her eyes meeting him. “Yes,” she cried.
“What?” he blurted out. He had heard the despair in his own ears.
“No,” she quickly said and then another sob escaped her. “I don’t know.”
Guilt was the worst kind of monster. But seeing it consume his girlfriend was the worst kind of torture.
“Peyton—”
She shook her head as tears ran down her face. “Please,” she begged. “Please, just go.”
“No, I’m not—”
“I don’t want you to stay. I need you to leave, Cooper … I need you to leave me alone.”
He winced, struggling to filter air into his lungs. She was ending them. He’d had the best sex of his life, and she was ending them. The love he thought he had seen as they made love was now shame. Bright and crystal clear.
She was ashamed they had been intimate.
To know that his girlfriend felt the way she did was a bitter pill to swallow. Cooper took a shaky step back, staring at her. Then he nodded. He said nothing as he spun around and headed to his discarded clothes. He dressed quickly, hoping Peyton would change her mind, but she remained quiet.
Once he had buttoned his shirt, Cooper slowly went to the door. He had hoped she’d speak up; he even waited once he had palmed the doorknob. He had looked at her teary eyes, and she had said nothing.
She wasn’t going to stop him.
And that had broken his heart even more.
Clenching his eyes shut, he twisted the knob and opened the door. Then he took a step into the hallway, and with his ache doubling in his empty chest, he closed the door.
He had heard her sob as he began to walk away and leave his heart where she had ripped it out.
On her bedroom floor, where she had felt shame within those four walls.
She had cried, and I hated myself for making the woman I love cry.
“Goddammit, Peyton!” Cooper cursed as he threw his phone onto the couch. It had been four days since she had him leave her.
His calls and messages had gone unanswered.
He sat down on the couch and ran his palms over his face.
Cooper had just wanted to know that she was okay. Every time he had stopped by the hotel, she was out. When he had visited her house, she wasn’t home. She was intentionally avoiding him. He let out another exhausted exhale and eyed the beer bottle on his coffee table. Whiskey was a better option, but he hadn’t picked any up. He wondered if Jay Preston’s pub had any. It was the local pub, so he was sure they would.
But he didn’t want to do anything stupid while intoxicated. It was a small town, after all. Whatever he did would find its way back to his girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend.
“I don’t even know,” he muttered to himself.
He had no idea if he was still in a relationship with her. When he had asked if she was breaking up with him, she had said yes. Then she had said no. But Cooper couldn’t forget that yes had been her first answer.
The burning in his chest had been an absolute nuisance since he’d left Peyton. Never dwindled. Continued to burn brightly, no matter how much he wanted it to stop. With each delivery he made, it became more and more frustrating. He was devastated. His girlfriend found shame in them, and he had no idea how to remove it from her.
Reaching for the beer bottle, Cooper decided that if he couldn’t remove the pain she inflicted, then he might as well attempt to dull it. In
the safety of his house, he could drink away Peyton.
Even if it were just for a little while.
Maybe enough to get some sleep.
The bell rang as Cooper stepped into the Spencer-Reid. As usual, Jenny was behind the front desk. And just like the last five days, she gave him a sad smile.
He knew what that smile meant.
She pitied him.
Even if Jenny Fields liked him, she sided with Peyton. Cooper had seen it. She treated his girlfriend like her own daughter. It was sweet to see. Peyton had lost her parents in a car accident, but she had her own family who loved her and were there for her.
His shoulders sagged as he made his way to the front desk. Upon reaching it, he set the hotel’s large crate order of lavender down. Then he took the clipboard out of the wooden box and handed it to the hotel’s operations manager.
“Morning, Jenny,” he greeted. He heard it for himself; he’d heard the flatness in his voice.
“Morning, Coop.” That pity smile returned as she took the clipboard and signed the bottom of the delivery invoice slip.
He knew what the upcoming answer would be, but he would still ask. “Is Peyton in today?”
Jenny shook her head as she set the clipboard down. “No, I’m sorry.”
Cooper knew she was lying. He appreciated that she had tried to sound believable. Her loyalty lay with Peyton, not him.
He forced a sincere smile and picked up the clipboard. “Do you mind telling her to call me? I just want to know that she’s okay.”
“I will,” Jenny promised.
“Thanks,” he mumbled as he spun around and headed for the entry. He had six more deliveries to make. He hoped that would keep him busy and keep his mind off the call he hoped would come. But deep down he knew that there would be no call. Not after he remembered the regret in her eyes.
She didn’t talk to me for almost a week. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I stormed to her house.
“Cooper, if you get out of that car, you are going to make the worst mistake of your life,” his sister, Margot, warned through the phone.
“I can’t take it anymore. I hate not knowing what I am to her, Margie. I love her and I have to pretend that I’m okay with not knowing if I’m her boyfriend anymore,” Cooper said, his vision blurring with his tears.
He was emotional.
He’d never been this emotional in his entire life.
“You gotta give her more time. Neither of us has gone through what she has. I don’t think we could ever understand how she feels,” Margot said, the sadness in her voice had Cooper wrapping his fingers tightly around the steering wheel.
“I know,” he said softly. “But I’ve had enough of not knowing. If she wants to be done with me, I’d like to know.”
Margot sighed. “I can’t stop you if you want closure or whatever. Go. But I honestly think you are making a mistake. I really, really want you to listen to me. Don’t get out of your car. Go home, Coop. Go home,” she urged.
Cooper watched as the window lit up. Then he saw a shadow and knew she was in her lounge room. He pulled the key from the ignition.
“I’m sorry, Margot, but I can’t live like this. I need her to put me out of my goddamn misery,” he said.
“Okay,” she said, the disappointment laid thick in her voice. “I’m here if you need me.”
He hung up and threw his phone onto the passenger seat. A deep breath later, his fingers found the door handle. Cooper pulled on it and opened the car door. He stepped onto the nature strip and stared at her weatherboard house. It had been a week since she had sent him packing with his tail between his legs.
But not this time.
If Peyton wanted to end it, then sure.
But he needed to know why.
What did he do?
Why did she regret that one perfect night?
Why did she cry?
His pride was shot. His heart in pieces and his anger reaching a peak it had never reached before.
Cooper had stormed up the steps until he stood on her doormat. He sucked in air through his nostrils and then formed a fist.
He banged on the door, yelling, “Peyton! Let me in!”
His knocks had halted for a moment to hear if there were footsteps.
There were none.
He slammed his fists against the door once more. “We need to talk. You at least owe me that!”
Then he saw her shadow through the stained glass window panels of the door. Seconds later, the door opened wide to Peyton standing there. Her eyes were red and her hair was up in a messy bun. Cooper was slightly pleased by her appearance. If she had been all dolled up, he’d be insulted that she was able to move on so quickly with her life.
She said nothing as she stepped aside, allowing him access into her home. Cooper made his way inside and made it several steps when he heard the door close. He spun around to face her. Her sad, tortured eyes killed him. He hated it. Hated the wounded expression. Hated that he had no idea how to fix any of it. Hated how much he hated himself.
Cooper’s hands made fists as he waited.
Somewhere, he heard a clock tick each second of silence that passed between them.
All Peyton did was stare at him.
Having had enough, he decided to speak first. It was the only way to progress through this confrontation.
“What did I do, Peyton?” he asked.
She said nothing.
And her silence only broke his heart further.
Cooper took a step forward. “What did I do, Peyton?” he repeated, and it sounded more like a demand.
She blinked several times.
That was it.
His heart felt as if a blunt knife had split it in two. She had no idea how much she had hurt him with her unwillingness to talk.
He couldn’t hold back his anger as he yelled, “You’d rather me dead and Callum alive, don’t you? You hate that I’m alive and he’s dead! You hate that you slept with me. You wish it were him and not me! Well, guess what, Peyton? He’s dead! And right now, the way you look at me, I’d rather I were the dead one. Maybe you’d love me more.”
Tears had formed in her eyes before they spilt down her cheeks. He watched the pain consume her face. Cooper was mortified at what he had said. What he had accused her of.
Peyton sobbed as her teary gaze fell to her hands.
His sister was right.
He had made the worst mistake of his life.
Now, he knew for sure that he had lost Peyton and the chance of her loving him.
Peyton sniffed and clutched her chest. She walked past him, not making eye contact. Then seconds later, Cooper heard her bedroom door shut. He didn’t blame her for walking away. He had said the worst thing he had ever said in his life.
“Shit,” he murmured.
Cooper knew what he had said was wrong.
He had handled it badly.
Unsurprising to him, his own tears welled up. He had hurt the woman he loved so much more than she had deserved. He took a deep breath and made his way to the front door. Ensuring that it was locked, he stepped out of her house and closed the door behind him.
He knew the moment he had said that she’d love him more if he were dead was the moment he lost her.
It took mere words to break not only Peyton’s heart but also his own.
I’m not proud of those words. I’ll always regret saying them.
Three weeks.
That was how many weeks it had been since Cooper had yelled at his girlfriend, Peyton. Three weeks since he had made the biggest mistake of his life. He had never raised his voice to a woman before, let alone the love of his life. But her silence killed him. She tore his heart out and shredded it as if he meant nothing to her.
They had made love and she had regretted it.
She had kept her distance instead of letting him help her work through her grief.
Cooper didn’t blame her, though. He had said the words he would never forgive himself for
saying. Words he wished he could take back.
He was jealous of Callum.
Jealous of a dead man.
The same man that Peyton had loved.
Cooper had been scared to lose her, but he had said all the right words to ensure he would. He had wanted her love. He had wanted Peyton to love him. Wanted her heart, but the truth was, there was no room left after Callum.
He knew that.
And Cooper had to stop denying it.
The piece of paper he held had taken him all night to write. He owed it to his boss to do the right thing. Graham Scott had become his friend, and Cooper had to properly say goodbye to him. His hand shook as he formed a fist and knocked on the office door.
“Come in,” Graham called out.
Cooper entered the office to find his boss reading over the new sprinkler system plan for the farm.
“Hey, Graham, I just thought I’d hand in my resignation now before you finished work,” he said.
His boss’ attention snapped from the plans to Cooper. “What?”
“You’ve got things here sorted. You don’t need an operations manager with Trent doing a lot of the manual work since you got back. There’s no need for me to stay in Daylesford. I’m gonna head back to Warren Meadows tonight. I’m sorry I can’t stay for the rest of the contract. It would be a waste of your finances if I did.”
Graham shook his head. “You can’t just leave.”
“There’s no work here for me anymore—”
“Screw the work!” Graham roared as he got out of his chair. “I’m talking about Peyton. You can’t just leave. Have you even talked to your girlfriend about this?”
Cooper leant forward and set the resignation letter on the desk. “I’m pretty sure for the last month she hasn’t been my girlfriend. If not, then I definitely screwed that up for myself three weeks ago. So, no, I didn’t talk to my girlfriend about leaving. There’s no point. She’s done with me.”
“Coop …” His boss sighed. “You gotta be patient with her.”
“It’s been three weeks. If I were her, I wouldn’t forgive me for what I said either. I had better go. I have some packing to do before I leave tonight. It’s been good working for you, Graham.”
