by Jay Hogan
Shit. I searched his face for any sign of the man I’d made love to the night before, but there was nothing. Just fear, anger, and… yeah, embarrassment. Fuck, fuck, fuck. The sense of hope I’d felt in his arms this morning dissolved and the floating anxiety that had been gnawing away in my chest hardened.
“I need to get to work,” I reminded him, equally icily. “I can’t just stay here.”
Apology flickered in his eyes but it was gone just as quick. “I know, I know. Look, I’ll do my best.” But I could tell he wasn’t really listening anymore.
“Reuben….”
“Cam… please? He can’t see you here, okay? I can’t lose Cory.”
And just like that my heart ripped in two and the air was sucked from my lungs. And if I’d wanted a damn answer to my questions, I had it. For all his talk, Reuben wasn’t ready for a real future with me in it, officially. Only Cory seemed to feature in that future, and apparently, I could be sacrificed for that. Right now was an opportunity to just do it, let his father find out and deal with the repercussions together. But Reuben clearly wasn’t ready to fight for me and that hurt like hell. I guessed it was better to know, but damn, it fucking hurt like a crap ton of blades in my chest.
A mix of emotions played out across his face as it struck home what he’d said. He reached out a hand. “Cam, I didn’t mean….”
“It’s fine.” I pulled back from his touch. It really, really wasn’t. “We’ll talk later.”
Brian Taylor shouted, “Where’s that coffee?”
“I’m sorry,” Reuben mouthed silently.
I shook my head and headed for the bedroom. He might have wrecked my heart, but I wasn’t gonna out the guy if I could help it.
As I waited in Reuben’s en suite, I ran the whole conversation through my head, wondering if I was just being a sensitive dick. I had, after all, agreed to keep us under wraps, and he’d been up front from the start that he wasn’t gonna come out for a while, so really, this was exactly what I should have expected. Why the fuck did it hurt so much, then?
Because he wasn’t just a guy I really liked and had great sex with anymore. He was a man I was in love with, and yeah, that changed every damn thing whether I liked it or not. Bad enough being Reuben’s dirty little secret when I had hope we were heading for something more. But if he didn’t see that same future, didn’t feel the same way, it wasn’t worth it. Right now, Reuben was living his AB dream, he had Cory, and he had me as well. Why the fuck would he risk two of those just to keep me? The answer seemed obvious, and he’d all but said it. He wouldn’t.
I filled my time in the bathroom alternately stewing over Reuben’s comments and getting my makeup and hair sorted for work. I might have felt like shit, but that was just one more reason to put in some effort. If I turned up looking like my cat had died, my staff would be all up in my face wanting to know why, and I needed that like a hole in the head. The dull tones of background conversation in the lounge suddenly cleared as the two men stepped back into the hallway and paused outside the bedroom less than three metres from where I stood.
“Whose car is that outside?” Brian Taylor asked pointedly, and my head spun from the mirror. There was no way that was a random question.
“Dunno,” Reuben replied, but the strain in his voice was clear. “You coming to practice Friday?”
“I might. Bring Sonja, maybe.”
My fingers white-knuckled the towel in my hands.
“I told you to leave it,” Reuben answered.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” his dad snarled. “She’s a good look. She could help you.”
“I don’t need that kind of help.”
There was a beat or two of silence before his dad started in again. “If you’ve got some fucking dick on the side, I’ll have your damn arse, you understand me?” he spat. “What? You think I’m stupid? Don’t lie to me, boy. I know that car. I saw it the day Mathew Wano picked up his damn bike. It’s his cocksucking brother’s. If you’ve got him stashed here….”
Jesus Christ. I wanted to slam into that hallway and flatten the fucker against the wall.
“He’s not here,” Reuben lied. “We watched a game, had a couple beers, and he ubered home. It’s just his car.”
Brian Taylor continued, “It damn well better be. I warned you to stay away from that.”
“He’s a friend, that’s all.”
And yeah, that hurt like shit. Mostly because I was beginning to wonder if that was, in fact, all I would end up being to Reuben.
“You don’t need friends like that. You finally made it to the All Blacks, you dumb shit. You gonna fuck it all up ’cause you’d rather plough some guy’s arse. No one wants a faggot for an All Black, whatever PC line the management are selling—not them, not the team, and not the fucking country. Got it?”
“Shut your mouth, old man.” Reuben’s tone was razor-sharp, and a brief surge of pride ran through me. “I’ve listened to you mouthing off on this shit for years. I took it because you’re my father and because you beat the shit out of me too often to remember. But that’s done. You don’t get to talk to me like that ever again, understand? ’Cause if you do, I’ll fucking send you to the floor without a second thought.”
The responding silence spoke volumes, and I would’ve paid good money to see the look on his old man’s face right then. Maybe I’d been wrong, maybe this was the turning point Reuben needed to finally break free of his father.
“Think you can walk away just like that, you arsewipe?” Brian Taylor spat the words. “You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me. You owe me. And you’re not gonna screw up the only good thing you’ve ever done in your whole fucking life. Your mother would be disgusted.”
“Don’t you dare talk about my mother.” Reuben’s voice dropped ominously low. “She was a better person than you’ll ever be. You didn’t deserve her.”
The sound of a fist on skin resonated loudly, a half second before the bedroom door shuddered with the impact of a body. There was a scuffle and something hit the opposite wall.
“If you think just because you’re my father, I’m gonna just take your fist, you’ve got another thing coming,” Reuben hissed. “I’ve been waiting a long time for this.”
“I wouldn’t if I were you,” Brian Taylor voice carried a low warning. “Not if you ever want to see your nephew again. Your brother needs me and my money, and if you think any loyalty to you will stop him doing what I tell him, you’re stupider than I thought. So if you don’t want that kid to disappear to his other family, you’d better get your shit together. ’Cause if I ever find that fucking faggot has been in this apartment again, you and Cory are done. Do you….”
The bedroom door splintered on its hinges and blasted open, giving me a split-second view of Brian Taylor’s back as he careered to the floor inside. Yes. I mentally fist-pumped the air, whipping back behind the en suite door out of sight, as Reuben strode in and stood above his father, fists clenched at his side.
“Don’t you ever call him that again,” he shouted down at Brian Taylor. “In fact, you don’t get to ever even mention his name in my hearing. Cameron Wano is worth a dozen of you any goddamn day of the week and you can take that to the fucking bank. And while we’re on it, you don’t get to talk to me like that either. I won’t have you or anyone telling me who I can and cannot see.”
“So you are fucking him.” His father sneered.
“That’s none of your goddamn business. Now get the fuck out of my house before I think better of it and take out the other side of your face.”
Brian Taylor staggered to his feet, rubbing his jaw. Then he turned his head and spat a gob of blood on the bed and I could see Reuben barely holding back his temper.
“Is that so?” his dad threw the words at Reuben’s feet. “We’ll see about that. This isn’t over, but one thing’s for sure. You better find yourself somewhere else to live. You’ve got till after the next Bledisloe, then you’re out. I’m done giving you a f
ree ride.”
Reuben snorted with derision. “Being under your watch was never a free ride, old man. It was a fucking life sentence.”
I wanted to leap out and kiss the bejesus out of the man. God, I’d waited a long time to hear Reuben tell his dad where to go.
Brian Taylor cast a quick glance around the bedroom, but luckily couldn’t see through to the en suite, where I was watching in the mirror’s reflection. He grumbled something and then lumbered back into the hall and towards the front door.
“Stay away from my grandson,” he warned Reuben, who’d followed his father out of the bedroom.
“Get fucked,” Reuben bit back. “You don’t tell me what to do anymore. I’ll see him if I want to.”
“Well, you better hope I don’t hear any more about you and that… queer, then. Because your brother knows which side his bread is buttered on, and if he forgets, I’ll remind him, one way or another. You’ve fucked yourself, Reuben. No one to blame but yourself.”
“Get out,” Reuben blasted.
The slam of the front door echoed the one in my heart, and the apartment weighed heavy with the ensuing silence. The sound of a body falling against it galvanised me into action and I ran into the hall to find Reuben slouched on the floor, arms wrapped around his knees, shaking. I fell at his side and pulled him against him.
“I’m so damn proud of you,” I whispered into his hair, peppering his scalp with kisses. “That was fucking glorious.”
He groaned. “You shouldn’t be. I still let him think you weren’t here, I didn’t have the balls to just own us.”
“You stood up for me, though, and I’m damn happy about that part….” But even I heard the downturn trail of my voice at the end.
Reuben cocked an eyebrow. “I sense a but….”
The breath whooshed out of my lungs. “Yeah, but….” And I turned and stretched out my legs alongside his, both of us with our backs to the door. “Full disclosure, we agreed, right?”
He nodded.
“Okay, here goes. It shouldn’t be news to you, but I’m all in here, Rube,” I admitted and watched his eyes widen. I snorted and shook my head. “What? You think I’d been doing this if I wasn’t? You must know this. You and me, Reuben, I’m already there, as in long-term, roses round the front door, there….”
He took my hand and squeezed it. “Me too.”
I turned and held his gaze steadily. “No, that’s the trouble. I don’t really think you are.”
He opened his mouth to protest but I put a finger to his lips. “Shhh. Hear me out. When you thought your dad was gonna find me here, your first reaction was to tell me to hide, that you couldn’t lose Cory. But what about me, Reuben, what about losing me? We’re a ways down the track now from our agreement but I’m not sensing you’re any closer to coming out.”
“I don’t want to lose either of you. I just… panicked.”
Here goes. “I know. Just like last time, like the dinner with Sonja. But it’s not gonna just come to you on a goddamn plate, Rube. You’re waiting for the perfect solution to just materialise. What if it doesn’t exist? What if you have to make a choice? You need to decide what you really want and make it happen. And if I’m part of that, then we can make a plan. I thought I was part of your future, I thought that was what we were working towards, but right now I’m not feeling that from you. And I won’t be a secret with no fucking end in sight.”
Silence fell heavy between us as we sat on the floor holding hands like a couple of teenagers about to break up. Oh God, that’s exactly what we were doing, I realised.
“I know you’re right,” he said bluntly. “I’ve just been hoping it would… go away I guess, sort itself out somehow. But when I stood up to him just now, I felt a part of me watching the whole thing and laughing. When I hit him and threw him out, it’s not like I didn’t know that could easily backfire in my face with Cory, right?”
Oh God.
He turned and cupped my face. “And yet I’ve been refusing to come out, and be with you, because I was supposed to be too worried about the exact same thing. Kind of hypocritical don’t you think?”
I stared at him and saw the painful realisation in his eyes.
“I’ve been lying to myself for so long, I believed it.” By his expression it was clear the admission stung. “It wasn’t ever just about Cory.”
I turned my head and kissed his palm. “I know.”
“He was part of it, sure, but it’s just as much about coming out.” Reuben sucked in a shaky breath. “I’ve been so terrified of losing everything, not just Cory, but my All Black career, my mates, the whole lot. I love rugby so much and for most of my life it’s all I’ve ever had, and that could all change. I’d still be able to play, of course, but everyone would look at me differently, I’d lose my family, everything would change, everything.”
His eyes glistened and I put up a hand and stroked his cheek.
He dropped his hands to his lap and hung his head. “But if I don’t come out, I’ll lose you, and I don’t know how I’d survive that.”
He took my hand and wrapped it in both of his. “I’m so scared, I’m fucking paralysed, and all I do is keep hurting you. I know what I said back in the kitchen but I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t want to lose Cory, that’s true, but I can’t lose you, Cam, I just can’t. I’m so sorry for being such a gold medal prick. Why didn’t you challenge me and string my arse up about it earlier?”
I rested my head on his shoulder. “Because it wasn’t gonna help, not really. Coming out is a personal thing. No one can do it for you and you can’t do it for anyone else. I just hoped, I guess. You have to want it for yourself, Reuben. It was different for me. I was practically out before I was born, I never had to decide. I don’t know what it’s like to risk one life for another possible one. Not to mention I’m a good few years older than you. And Cory wasn’t only an excuse. He’s in real trouble and I understand that.”
It was true. As much as I wanted Reuben to force the issue—call his father’s bluff and get legal and professional help to protect Cory’s interests—I wasn’t sure how I’d risk a child I loved like that in Reuben’s place.
“Cam, I—” he began and then sighed. “Shit. We’re not going to be able to keep doing this, are we?”
I shook my head.
He blinked slowly. “So, what next, then?”
As if there was a choice. “I think we need to call time on us, at least for now. Like I said, you need to decide what you want. Knowing something and doing something about it are two different things. You know what’s holding you back but I don’t know if you’re quite ready to take the next step, and I can’t live like that.”
“I’m so sor—”
“Don’t.” I stopped him before the apology about to fall from his pretty mouth buried the last of my dignity. I wanted to believe he was ready to let me help him fight for Cory—but I couldn’t be sure, and without that, we wouldn’t make it. I was still on the outside, for now, and it was killing me. So, yeah, it was done. We were done, for now at least.
I kissed his cheek and stood like a damned idiot, arms loose at my sides, heart in tatters. “I think we should leave things at this.” I struggled to keep my voice even.
“Shit.” His gaze dropped away and another sigh the weight of a small country fell from his lips.
My throat was so tight I could scarcely breathe. Every second this went on, my heart squeezed a little more. “It is what it is,” I said. “And you need to be here for Cory while you work it through. I can’t be responsible for you walking away, you’ll only hate me for it later. Decide what you want, and then call me.”
He pushed up off the floor and the heat of his body moved alongside mine, butterfly fingers trailing over my damp cheek. “Fuck, Cam. I can’t stand this. I wish things could have been different, but I’m not giving up, just so you know.”
I knew that was true. I wasn’t deaf to the longing in his tone. But it wasn’t enough, and I want
ed to shout at him that wishing wasn’t gonna change a damn thing. Wasn’t going to solve his problems. Wasn’t going to give us a chance. And how many other chances was he prepared to lose while he waited and fucking wished?
“I hope not.” I pulled away. “But right now, I’ve gotta go. We’ll talk, I promise. But I need some time, and so do you.”
I turned to go but he caught me by the arm and spun me back. Our eyes met for a long few seconds and I thought I caught a glimpse of that determined something I’d been longing for residing there. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine, the tip of his tongue tracing the crease as if savouring a last taste, and if my arm hadn’t been firmly held in his hand, my knees might have buckled to the floor. I ached to open to him, but I kept my lips closed. I didn’t want to grieve with the fresh memory of his taste on my tongue.
I shook his hold and stepped back. “I really need to go, Reuben.” I couldn’t even meet his eyes in case what was left of my heart blew to dust.
He hesitated just a second before nodding. “Okay. I’ll wait by the door.”
I grabbed my things from the bedroom and took a few seconds to splash cold water on my face—to hell with ruining my makeup. There was no way I was gonna be able to hide the state I was in, regardless. I stared in the mirror, wondering who the fuck the stricken ghost was staring back. Then I fled, with barely a rushed goodbye as I passed him in the hall, refusing to meet his gaze.
He called after me, but I was down those stairs, not daring a backward glance. I had barely enough wherewithal to get to the car before losing my shit, and that was it. I hauled out of there and headed to work. I’d have time to check my heart was still beating when I got there.
Chapter Twenty
Two Weeks Later
Reuben
ONE WEEK till the final Bledisloe test against Australia, two weeks since Cam walked out of my apartment, and my head was a freaking sewer.
“Taylor, what the bloody hell do you think you’re doing?” Coach Knowles’s strangled shout blasted over a floodlit Eden Park, cutting through the murky conditions like a well-edged knife and bringing the entire All Black training squad to an immediate standstill.
