by Sterling, J.
I don’t.
At all.
Even though I’d been paired up with Shelby for the last decade, it hadn’t always felt that way, especially the last few years. It was weird to think about how alone you could feel when you technically weren’t alone; how you felt like you were missing a teammate, a partner, when one was sleeping next to you night after night. I supposed that was what being with the wrong person eventually started to feel like. You stopped seeing the person standing right in front of you because you no longer wanted what they had to offer.
“It makes sense,” Ryan added, now that his laughter had stopped. “No one would blame you if you wanted to take some time to be alone.”
Annoyed, I shook my head. “No. I don’t want to play the field. I don’t want to be single. I don’t care about any of that, okay?” Damn, I wished they’d shut up and get back to work. I should have known better.
“You’re going to win her back then, right? You have a plan?” Nick lit up like a toddler with a new toy.
I smirked. “Yeah. I’m going to get her.”
Nick whistled as Ryan asked, “How?”
I closed my eyes and willed myself to count to ten. “I don’t have to fill you two in on every single detail, you know?”
“He doesn’t have a plan,” Ryan said with certainty as he looked at Nick with disapproving eyes.
“After we close tonight, he will.” Nick rubbed his palms together and I bit my tongue, not wanting to argue any further with the two lunkheads.
I did have a plan, sort of, but I was being honest when I said I didn’t want to tell them every little thing about it. I had been biding my time, waiting for Shelby to move out before I did anything else in regard to Claudia. Refusing to push her further when my life hadn’t yet changed wasn’t something I was willing to do. I wouldn’t put her in a no-win situation again.
But now that Shelby was gone, all bets were off.
I couldn’t tell my brothers that, though. Not yet. They would want up-to-the-second details, and this was something I needed to do on my own, without anyone’s interference or opinion. After we closed the bar for the evening, I’d tell them exactly that. It was my job to go get the girl, not theirs.
The front door flew open, and I was relieved at the interruption as Jess and Rachel walked inside. They were just the distraction I needed. I pointed toward them, and Nick’s whole damn face lit up.
“Dear God, woman, do you walk around Santa Monica looking like that?” Nick shouted toward Jess, who instantly blushed and stumbled to a halt. “Rachel, you just let her walk around looking beautiful?”
Nick made his way from behind the bar and stalked toward his girl, talking the whole time. “This woman right here is what dreams are made of. I’m so damn lucky,” he said when he reached her, lifting her into his arms and planting a Hollywood-worthy kiss onto her lips as Rachel wrinkled her nose and moved a respectful distance away.
As usual, the entire bar watched transfixed. Some sighed at the sight, and a few people even clapped.
“Making us all look bad, man!” a guy called out.
Nick didn’t even look up. “Nah. You just gotta do better.” He kissed Jess one more time before setting her on her feet and smacking her on the ass.
The truth was, Nick really was making the entire male population look bad. But most people had no idea what Nick and Jess had been through as a couple, and how he never stopped making up for lost time. He hadn’t forgiven himself for what he’d put Jess through, and ever since, he spent every single day making sure she knew how thankful he was for the second chance she’d given him.
And now, I was able to relate to that concept more than I had ever thought possible.
Dream Frank
Claudia
Frank had haunted my dreams the past few nights.
Haunted wasn’t really the right word, not when the dreams were lust-filled, sex-riddled, and most definitely enjoyable. Frank visited me in my sleep, his hands roaming over every part of my body that I’d always wanted him to touch. In my dreams, I forgave him and fell into the taste of his kiss and the feel of his tongue on mine without question. Dream Frank was one hell of an attentive lover, and I woke up aroused on more than one occasion with a pillow between my legs.
Embarrassed for no good reason on this particular morning, I kicked the pillow away and lay there a minute longer, reveling in all that Dream Frank had done to me and my body.
Then, I got pissed at myself. How could my subconscious continually betray me? I wasn’t sure how I felt about Frank Fisher, and every part of me—my subconscious and all my girly parts—needed to be on board.
But that was the problem. I didn’t know exactly how I felt, how I was supposed to feel, or what the right way to feel even was.
“Are you ever going to call him back?” Britney called out from the kitchen table. “Or even better, let’s go to Sam’s. I miss Ryan’s hot face.”
It was the same question I’d been asking myself on repeat for days.
As I entered the kitchen, she was spooning Greek yogurt into her mouth. “I thought I’d have a clear answer by now,” I muttered as I searched the fridge for something to eat. “But I’m not any closer than I was yesterday. Or the day before that.”
I vacillated between completely understanding Frank and the situation he was in, and not wanting to understand Frank and his situation. My emotional side longed for me to go talk to him, but my logical side kept reminding me that he had lied and misled me easily, and more than once.
Part of me thought that I’d stop thinking about Frank as the days passed, but so far, that hadn’t been the case. He was my last thought at night before I closed my eyes, and the first thought in the morning when I opened them. It was annoying, the hold he had on me, and I sensed it meant more than I was willing to admit. The connection I’d felt with him the first time I looked at him was real and it still existed, even when I tried to push it away. We were bonded by an invisible thread, and you couldn’t cut the ties of something you couldn’t see.
“I think you should talk to him. It’s been days since his last message. He hasn’t called or texted since, right?”
I closed the refrigerator door, holding a Greek yogurt of my own, and my heart sank. “No, he hasn’t.”
Saying those words out loud made me nervous as a realization hit me hard. What if Frank had changed his mind about me? What if he no longer meant the things he’d said in his voice mails? Maybe he and his girlfriend had worked things out since we’d last talked, and were happy again?
My mind fed me scenarios that involved Frank forgetting about me and being perfectly fine with that decision. Why else would he stop calling and disappear completely? He had to be trying to fix his relationship.
“What’s the matter?” Britney tilted her head, studying me, which reminded me how well she actually knew me. She could always tell when I was about to lose it.
“I just . . . what if they’re happy now? What if he realized that I was a mistake? A fantasy of some kind that he’d built up in his mind?”
More fears I never knew I even had bubbled up from deep within me. If I had been an escape for Frank, an oasis in the middle of his relationship desert, then maybe nothing he thought he felt for me had been real. Maybe everything about me, about us, had been something to hold on to, a life raft when his world was falling apart.
“You think his feelings for you weren’t real?” Britney barked out a disbelieving laugh.
I braced myself on the kitchen counter and shrugged. “It’s totally possible. He hasn’t called in days. If he couldn’t live without me, or was so sorry like he seemed to be, then why did he stop calling? Why did he give up when he said he wasn’t going to?”
“Maybe because you never called him back,” she said with an exaggerated eye roll. “A guy can only fight for so long before he has to stop. Frank wouldn’t like it, but if he thought it was the best thing for you, or what you really wanted, he’d do it. He’d walk awa
y. I don’t really know the guy, but I’d bet money that he’s the type who would eventually listen. And your silence told him everything.”
The air ripped out of my lungs, deflating me with a single breath. “Shit.” I tried to pull it together, willed my heart to slow down its rapid beating, and pressed a hand to my stomach. “You’re right.”
“I know.” She grinned before spooning up more yogurt. “So, what are you gonna do about it?”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do when nothing’s changed.”
“You’re seriously the most infuriating woman on the planet,” she said with a groan.
I narrowed my eyes at her. “What the hell did I do?”
“You won’t even talk to the guy! I know you like him, Claudia. Even though he has a girlfriend, you still like him. And that’s killing you, tearing you up inside. You’re beating yourself up, but to what end?”
Shaking my head, I grabbed a spoon, then pulled out the chair next to hers and sat down. “What would you do? Seriously, if you were me, what would you do?”
“Talk to him. Have an actual conversation. Let him explain himself, and hear him out. All these things you refuse to do,” she said slowly, enunciating each word as if I were a child.
I hated how confused I still was. Conflicting emotions warred within me, none of them letting up their relentless persistence. The battle between my mind and heart was exhausting.
Maybe love wasn’t always black and white, no matter how hard we tried to force it to be. Maybe connections weren’t always easy and uncomplicated. Maybe love was filled with challenges sometimes, only to see how hard you’d fight to overcome them. I didn’t have the answers, but I sure seemed to have a lot of questions.
“Can I ask you something else?” Britney asked. When I nodded, opening my own yogurt and digging in, she said, “What are you so afraid of?”
I swallowed quickly, hoping I wouldn’t choke. “I’m afraid to feel more for someone when I shouldn’t be feeling anything at all.”
“No.” She shook her head. “I mean, what’s your biggest fear? What are you the most afraid of?”
Britney, the brat, was trying to get me to admit more that I wanted to. She wanted me to dig out the things I longed to shove deep inside and pretend weren’t a part of me.
“Just tell me,” she said with an exasperated huff. “You know I won’t judge you.”
It wasn’t her judging me that I was worried about. I was my own worst judge and jury.
Staring at my yogurt, I focused on my spoon circling in the creaminess rather than meet her eyes. “I’m afraid I won’t care that he has a girlfriend. That I’ll give in and take him any way I can have him, in bits and pieces, if that’s all he could give me, because I like the way I feel when we’re together. Because I feel so much when I’m around him. He makes me so happy. Or, at least, he did when I thought he was single.”
God, I hated what a weak person I was being right now. I wanted to throw up as the words left my lips. As always, I wanted to do the right thing, but for once in my life, I wasn’t entirely sure what that was. Of course, the right thing would be to let Frank go, but my heart ached at the idea in a way I’d never experienced before.
Stupid hearts are fickle creatures, demanding to be heard. They crush you with pain one minute before completely shutting off and feeling absolutely nothing the next.
Which was exactly why I had to keep my distance from Frank until I was strong enough to refuse to settle for scraps. Not to mention the fact that I didn’t like how this entire situation was bringing out sides of my character that I didn’t particularly like. I’d never considered myself this weak woman, or the type who would settle for anything in life, especially not in matters of the heart.
I was better than that.
Stronger than that.
And I deserved more than that.
“I just need more time,” I said to Britney, who had been uncharacteristically quiet.
“For what?”
“To figure out what exactly I want to do and say. I need to have a plan when it comes to Frank, and I can’t waver from it. Not even for a second when he looks at me with those stupid green eyes.”
“But you will talk to him?” she asked with a hopeful lilt in her voice.
I nodded. “I will.”
“Promise?”
“I promise,” I said, not knowing exactly when I’d do it.
The betrayal was still too fresh, and the connection between Frank and me only existed to the point that it still affected me, obviously. I needed time and space to allow both those things to simmer, but at some point, I’d need closure for my heart to heal. I just wasn’t entirely sure when that would be.
And maybe by the time I was ready to face him, I wouldn’t feel the need to anymore.
Teamwork
Frank
Nick locked the door when the last of our customers left, and Ryan put his shirt back on without even being asked. Apparently, there was a first time for everything.
“I know you don’t want to talk about this because you’re all broody and Frank-like,” Nick said, scowling as he waved a hand in my direction. “But I want to hear your Claudia plan.”
“Cloud-ee-ah,” I said, and he repeated her name properly, but in a mocking tone. “And I don’t want to talk about it. Not yet.”
“Why not?” Ryan and Nick asked in unison, and instead of getting annoyed, I tried to understand. It took almost all my patience.
“Can I keep this to myself for now, and if I need your help—which I very well might—I’ll let you guys know?” It was my version of a compromise. I might need them on board if I ended up not being able to track Claudia down, or figure out a way to get to her, which I was struggling with, to be honest.
Ryan and Nick glanced at each other in silent communication before giving me begrudging nods.
“I’m just throwing this out there,” Ryan said as he rotated the bottles on the shelf, ensuring the labels faced outward and were aligned. “But Britney gave me her number, and I’m pretty sure I could find it if you hit a dead end.”
For once, I found myself thankful that Ryan got hit on by every single female that entered our bar. “Thanks. I might just need that.”
I really had intended to keep my crappy plans closely guarded, but that was my pride talking. My heart was on the line here, and it wasn’t like Nick and Ryan were rooting against me. They actually wanted me to end up with the girl. Maybe I could use their help instead of trying to do everything on my own.
Nick gave me an exasperated look. “I know we said we’d butt out, but I can’t. Just tell me what the hell you’re planning. You guys helped me when I needed you.” He grimaced. “Well, you both yelled at me was more like it.”
And just like that, I gave in. All my resolve and bravado vanished as I stared at the two people I trusted most in my life.
“To be honest, I’ve been going over and over this all night long.” My head had been spinning the entire night, trying to think of ways to find Claudia so I could talk to her, and hopefully get her to listen to me.
“Have you tried Facebook?” Nick asked like the social-media marketing guru he was, which didn’t surprise me at all.
I shook my head. “I need to see her in person. Texting and calling her haven’t worked so far, so the whole social-media angle isn’t going to work. What am I going to do when I find her, anyway? Send her a friend request and another email for her to ignore? No, it’s got to be face-to-face.”
When it came to Claudia, being passive wasn’t going to get the job done. I needed to physically see her and make her listen. I wasn’t above begging, if necessary.
“He’s right.” Ryan reached beneath the bar and pulled out an old oversized mason jar filled with scraps of paper of all shapes and sizes. He dumped them onto the bar top and sorted through them, clearly searching for one in particular.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
He scoffed at me as if I’d ask
ed the stupidest question in the world. “Finding Britney’s number.”
“You seriously think you’re going to find her number in that mess?” I pointed at the pile of paper scraps, shocked by how many phone numbers my brother had accumulated, and kept.
“You have little faith, brother. She gave it to me on off-white paper. I’ll find it,” Ryan said with a grin.
“How the hell do you even remember that?” Nick asked, echoing my own thoughts.
Ryan stopped sorting and looked up with a sheepish grin. “I have no fucking idea.”
The three of us laughed, and Ryan went back to digging through pile. A few moments later, he let out a whoop.
“Got it! Found it!” He waved a cream-colored slip of paper in the air. “Told you,” he said with a smug smile.
“All right, Romeo, now what?” I asked.
“We need to get Claudia to come here,” Ryan said matter-of-factly.
My face twisted into a grimace. That idea hadn’t sat right with me when I’d first considered it, and it didn’t feel any better now.
Ryan glanced at my expression and seemed to deflate. “What? I’ll just text Britney and get her to bring Claudia here. I’m sure she’ll do it.”
“And then what?” I threw my hands up in frustration. “Claudia and I discuss all of our private business in public, in front of you and anyone else who wants to watch and listen?”
I couldn’t stomach the thought of people witnessing our private moments, when so much about my brothers and our business was already in the public eye. I also couldn’t in good conscience trick Claudia into coming here if she had no desire to see me.
Quickly running through the possible scenarios, I shook my head. “Not to mention the fact that having Claudia come here would put her on edge. This is my turf, and if we were all waiting for her to show up, she’d feel ganged up on and would be defensive instead of willing to listen. Not to mention pissed off. I can’t have Claudia pissed when I’m trying to reason with her.”
