She had been planning on moving from the moment she had been given the place to live in. It was a council property; she had no valid reason to request a change so leaving would mean a private rent. She could afford it — a much nicer place, too — but for that she would need to prove her income, provide references and show bank statements for at least three months from a permanent employer. As long as she was being paid £500 a week in cash that was left on a chair in a dingy flat for her part in conducting adult performances in front of a live webcam, that was going to be a challenge. And even if she could secure a place, the monthly rent demands would serve to trap her tighter into her current employment. She and Holly had talked about saving up for a place together, about getting regular jobs to fund it. They would have had to have taken minimum wage jobs, and their pooled income would have been poor, they would have struggled to pay the rent and find extra for the odd night out. But that was just the sort of struggle couples in love were supposed to have, the sort of struggles that really didn’t matter, because all you needed was each other.
It was something they had just kept putting off. Then Holly had suddenly announced that she had given her flat up and they were splitting up at the same time. She had said it didn’t matter, that Kelly was at her mum’s place a lot of the time anyway and still had her own place to go back to when she couldn’t stay with her mum anymore. Kelly couldn’t understand where it was all coming from, why they were splitting up. As far as she was concerned they had never been happier. Then Holly had repeated the same old line: that she wanted her to be free. Kelly had been so angry. She just couldn’t understand where it was all coming from. She went to Holly’s flat and it was as she had said: empty. A wooden pole was hammered into the small front garden announcing it was TO LET. Kelly had ripped it out in frustration, her eyes laden with tears, her hand stinging from a fresh splinter. She had never been so confused, so desperate, and it had all come from nowhere. With her mother’s condition worsening, it felt like everything she loved was slipping away. She had tried calling, tried finding her, too, but she knew Holly wouldn’t be found if she didn’t want to be. She just wanted to know why — some sort of explanation.
She hadn’t expected that it might come from Marlie Towers, two days after Holly’s death.
Kelly had recovered enough from climbing the stairs to move forward but still she hesitated. She hadn’t been here for around a month and even then it had just been a brief visit to get some more clothes to take back to her mother’s. It took just a few steps along the walkway to form the impression that there was something different about her front door. It looked tired as usual and had the black scuffs from where her neighbour regularly dragged the handles of his bicycle against it, but the handle was hanging at an odd angle. It felt loose in her hand. The door was broken and it pushed in immediately. The sound of the creaking hinges was familiar, as was the musty smell that she couldn’t get rid of, no matter what she did. Now the door’s surround was revealed, she saw tool marks below the lock. A strip of wood yawned away as if it had been dug out with a chisel. The locking bolt on the door jutted out. She stepped in. The kitchen was to her right, her bedroom straight ahead. The living room was behind it, accessed via the kitchen, and on the other side of the small flat. The kitchen was untidy. She hadn’t left it like that.
Kelly moved in, holding her breath. There was a tap at the window that caused her to catch her breath. Her heart was still thumping as she realised it was a broken blind, hanging in the breeze. She moved cautiously through the flat, taking in each room as she went. Drawers were pulled open, cupboards too, her bed upended. But there was no one there now. She made it back to the kitchen and her body slumped. A long breath came with it. She could see paperwork strewn all over the kitchen benches, laid out like as if it was flattened down, in a hurry to be read. She paced back through to her bedroom. She had some jewellery from her nan in the drawer at the bottom of a wardrobe. It was nothing special but the only thing of any value. The wardrobe door was open, the drawer, too. Her jewellery was still there.
She moved to her bedside cabinet. The top drawer had a couple of old mobile phones and an electronic tablet. They were all still in there. Nothing was missing. An opportunistic burglar would have taken the electronics, the jewellery, and the television that still sat on the low table in the living area. It would have only fetched someone a few quid on the black market but it would be enough to score a thief a hit of their drug of choice. This wasn’t a burglary; this was someone looking for something. She couldn’t think straight enough to even consider what. She was starting to panic, the crushing feeling on her chest and the shallow breathing that had started at her mother’s house was back in spades. She had to get out. She didn’t know where else to go, this was the only other place she thought she might be able to feel safe. She was back to searching the surfaces and furniture, seeing what she might need to take. She didn’t want to have to come back.
Her anxiety had now increased to where it was all encompassing. It threatened to take her off her feet and she was genuinely scared that if she went down, she wouldn’t be able to get up again. She didn’t feel like she could go back to her mum’s; it would surely prompt the same reaction. She knew where she could go. It was the only place she could think of, the only place where she might be able to feel a little closer to Holly — a little closer to being together again and feeling Holly’s strength.
She stepped to the cupboard under the kitchen sink. Two bottles of vodka were right where she had left them, one unopened, the other half full. She scooped up the full one. When she stepped out of the door she pulled it closed. She didn’t bother checking if it had locked shut; there was no point.
She had no intention of coming back.
Chapter 17
The weather was perfect. The sea lay out in front of her in a welcoming blanket of blue that sparkled brighter the further it reached out into the distance. The industrial landscape of Calais was clear today and the stretch of water separating the UK from mainland Europe seemed narrower as a result.
Kelly heard her taxi pull away. She pulled her mum’s coat tighter around her and closed her eyes. Her heightened senses picked out a light breeze that pushed her gently in the back and ran across her fingertips. The clifftop was scented with cut grass and the sun was warm on her face. The calm, picture-perfect scenery was in stark contrast to her churning stomach, her short breaths and a constant battle to control her panic.
When she opened her eyes, she was on the edge of a flat piece of lawn and her feet trailed through the loose layer of trimmed grass as she moved towards the edge. There were benches ahead: one off to the right and one off to the left. She pulled the bottle of vodka out of her bag and walked straight down the middle, following the path she reckoned Holly had taken just a few days before. She could see a divot ahead, a clump of scuffed earth that must have marked the exact point where the car left the cliff. She made directly for it.
The breeze was stronger at the edge. She looked down at her feet and lined her toes up to finish where the land did. The scarring to the clifftop was more extensive here, where a chunk of cliff had been scraped and dragged away. The fresh white surface was so bright in the sunlight that she had to narrow her eyes to see it. She could see down to the bottom, down to a layer of thick brambles. From this height it looked like a brown carpet with glints of white poking through. There were no signs of any disturbance. It was as if the car and its occupants had just been swallowed up by the earth, leaving nothing.
She unscrewed the bottle and took a swig as deep as she could, until she balked at the taste and snatched her head forward where some dribbled out of her mouth and over the edge. She watched it separate into droplets as it was swept away by the breeze. She bared her teeth then took another long swig. This time she gagged. Her hands fell to her sides and she could feel the weight of the bottle pulling her down on one side. Her eyes fell back to her feet and she edged them forward so there was clear daylight under he
r toes. She rocked all her weight backwards onto her heels. Already, she could feel she was off balance. All she needed to do was shift her weight forwards and she would topple. Then this pain would end, this pressure, this constant nagging anxiety that seemed to have no antidote. And maybe they would be together again.
She closed her eyes to the warmth of the sun on her face. Now she just needed to shift her weight.
‘It’s a good place to come and think, up here.’
Kelly flung her eyes open, her weight was still on her heels. She edged back slightly, enough so she could turn towards the voice. An elderly lady smiled at her. She held a small dog like someone might hold a baby, its eyes peered out at her through a tangle of white fur, its nose a constant twitch.
‘I don’t want to think anymore.’ Her own voice seemed to prompt her tears, which started to fall.
‘I get that. It’s hard isn’t it? Life, I mean. I’ve seen other people come here before and they’ve said the same. Some people didn’t make it away. That’s okay, people make their choices but they all have had a cup of coffee with me first. Would you mind?’ The woman moved her hand out from under the dog’s head and Kelly could see she was clutching at a long, silver flask. She put the dog gently on the floor. It was on a short lead but it didn’t pull against it. The lid of the flask doubled as a cup. She poured some out.
‘Coffee?’ Kelly almost chuckled. It just seemed so ridiculous. All of it. That she was here, that she was now totally alone, that she was standing on the edge with a sudden intention of these being her final moments and now some old woman with a dog was offering her coffee from a thermos.
‘Oh, it’s not so silly. Think of the things that have been done over a cup of coffee, conversations had, good decisions made. And then think of all the silly snap decisions we’ve made in our lives and how they might have turned out . . . how they might have been better if we had just taken the time to think about them over a cup of coffee. It’s a failing of people, in my view. We never pause at the right places.’
‘Or we pause too much,’ Kelly whispered.
‘The view from the bench there is quite beautiful.’ The woman gestured towards the shuffling sea.
‘The last thing I want is time to think.’
‘Then use it to reflect. On all that you have, all that you’ve seen. If you’re here to step off that edge then you have all the time in the world. Some things are too important to rush.’ She sat on the bench with the dog on her lap and gestured with the steaming lid. ‘Please, join me for a cup of coffee. Then I’ll leave you alone. I don’t want to see it. Please don’t make me.’
‘I’m not making you do anything! You can walk away — forget about me.’
‘Is that what happened? Is that why you are here? Maybe it is time someone refused to. It has two sugars. I find coffee can be quite bitter otherwise.’
Kelly turned back to face out over the view. Her eyes dropped back to her feet. She was still close enough to be able to see over, to see the slipped chalk boulders mingling with the undergrowth. The breeze ruffled her hair against her face. A strand got stuck in her tears. She wiped it away. ‘I’m sorry,’ she breathed. She moved a little, enough to have to shift her weight again so she was rocked back on her heels. She turned back to the woman. ‘You should look away.’
‘Can’t do that. I wish I could. I’ve seen it before and it haunts me every day. I always wonder if I could have done more but maybe some people just make a choice to hurt themselves. But please, don’t hurt me. Don’t make me watch it again. Have a coffee — over here on the bench and then I’ll leave you to have a private moment. It’s up to you what you do with it.’
Kelly scrunched her eyes shut. She stepped back. The breeze still moved her hair across her face. She focused on the sensation as it tickled her mouth and neck. When she opened her eyes and walked towards the bench she felt unsteady. She didn’t think it was the vodka. Her eyes fell to the bottle that she still clung to in her right hand. She threw it to the grass and it glugged as it emptied. The woman held up the cup. Kelly took it and perched on the edge of the seat. She was turned away from the woman; she felt a rush of shame. She took a swig of the coffee. It was hot as hell and there was a strong aftertaste. ‘Did you put something in this?’
‘Of course I did! That’s good whisky. I figured I might end up needing it.’
Kelly shook her head. She felt the dog nuzzle at her hand, it pushed its head under and she looked down to see just a button nose protruding. ‘Hey,’ she said.
‘She likes you. She doesn’t like many people.’
‘Sounds like a sensible dog.’
‘Oh she is. She doesn’t like men in particular and I didn’t even train that into her!’ The woman chuckled. Kelly turned to the sound of pouring liquid. The woman had produced another plastic cup from somewhere and now filled it with hot coffee. ‘It’s a little early for this, really, but I suppose you won’t be telling anyone now, will you?’
‘Not likely.’ Kelly managed a weak smile.
‘What’s your name? I’m Margaret.’
‘Kelly.’
‘Kelly . . . So what brings you here, Kelly? I’m always interested. The hardest thing about seeing this are the questions that are left. I hope you don’t mind.’
‘What brings me here? Now that’s a question. I guess I’ve got nothing to keep me away. I lost it right here. I thought if I came here I could be a little closer to her.’
‘Her?’
‘My girlfriend.’ She looked at the woman intently now. ‘It’s okay, you can disregard that if it makes you uncomfortable. I get it all the time.’
‘Uncomfortable?’
‘My mum . . . her friends . . . my nan, before she went . . . they all used to get uncomfortable. They never really wanted to hear it. You can’t be in love with another woman — it’s just a phase. Apparently. I’m curious. I’ll grow out of it. That was all I used to hear. But, my God did I love her . . .’ The emotion welled up in her again. She felt her mouth twitch but she managed to catch it in time.
‘Doesn’t make me uncomfortable in the slightest. The only thing that ever made me truly happy was being in love and being loved back. A man and a woman don’t have exclusive rights to that. Not to shared happiness. No one does. I’ve never known pain like it when he left but, now that I’m a little calmer about the whole thing, I know I wouldn’t change it. I had twenty years of happiness.’
‘He left?’
‘He did. I don’t know what came over him. A case of the grass being greener, I think. But he didn’t last long after.’
‘Didn’t last long?’
‘Heart attack. I still don’t know how to feel about it. He was everything, and we were together a long time. You get so intertwined in someone else it’s like there are no joins anymore, so coming apart isn’t possible without taking a lot of you with it.’
‘I know exactly what you mean . . .’ Kelly looked back out over the view. ‘I feel like half of me is already over that edge. She took it with me when she went.’
‘In a car?’
‘Yes.’ Kelly turned to the woman. ‘You know about it?’
‘The news. They’re saying there was a man and a woman inside. She was your girlfriend?’
‘She was.’
‘I’m sorry. It must be a terrible time. It always is for those that are left.’
‘It was because of me. That’s why she did it. She thought she could set me free . . .’
‘And did she?’
‘I don’t know what free is anymore but no. She started something, but I have to go the police. I have to tell them the rest. I have to tell them why she did it. That’s what she meant.’
‘And if you don’t?’
Kelly turned back to the horizon. ‘Then no one will know.’
‘It’s a waste of a life, when someone decides to take it for themselves. Always. If there’s something you can do to make it less of a waste . . .’
‘I can’t. I jus
t can’t . . .’
‘Not up here you can’t. I can give you a lift — to the police station, I mean. If that’s where you need to go?’
Kelly’s mind had started to wander; the word ‘police’ snapped her back into focus. ‘No, thank you. I really can’t go . . . not now. I would have to talk to someone first.’
‘Home, then? Or I can run you somewhere else?’
‘No. I think I’ll walk. I need to clear my head.’ As she stood up, Kelly had to steady herself. She took one last glance towards the raised divot and the scarred cliff face. ‘Thank you. For the coffee, I mean. You’re very kind.’ Kelly noticed the bottle she had discarded. She picked it up. There were still a few swigs left.
‘I can take that. My bin will be closer.’ The woman nodded encouragement.
Kelly tipped the rest of the vodka out then stuffed the bottle in her bag. ‘I don’t drink. Not anymore. The last time . . . something terrible happened. So I kept it, to remind me why I shouldn’t drink I guess this is the last one now.’
‘Ah, then you should keep it.’
‘Thank you. Again.’ Kelly started back across the grass towards the road.
‘You’re welcome!’ the woman called out after her. ‘Good luck!’
Kelly didn’t turn back. The words registered but she was already lost in her thoughts.
Chapter 18
Maddie was aware that she had made for the front door first. When she stopped herself she already had her fist in the air to knock. She turned to a smiling Rhiannon and shrugged.
He Knows Your Secrets Page 12
