by Cara Dee
I smiled, cupped his cheeks, and kissed him on the forehead. "You know I love you, right?"
"Dad." He managed to cram amusement, confusion, and worry into one expression. "Are you dyin' or something? Of course, I know. You say that crap, um…what was it, that I'm the best part of you?" He rolled his eyes and grinned.
I grinned back. "Hey, it's true."
That earned me another eye-roll, and he returned to the stove. "Maybe you shouldn’t be up there all alone," he joked.
Then there was that. Sneaking around. Until Will made his move, I wouldn't mention he was staying with us in Westslope, since that piece of information could reach Brady.
"I got a lot done." I hopped up to sit on the counter, masking the hiss of pain in my ass with a cough, and I snatched up a carrot stick from the cutting board. "What're you making?"
"Work lunches." He was dumping leftover ingredients from other meals into a pan. Fried potato bits, sausage, onion, and tomato. Plus a bunch I couldn’t identify. "I bought plastic containers. I hope that's okay."
"Of course, sweetheart." I was content to watch him for a while. It helped me settle whatever the weekend had destabilized.
I could admit to myself now that no matter what brought me back to Camassia—or whatever I claimed it was—Will played a bigger role than I was already giving him credit for. This weekend had opened up a whole new can of worms, too. All that said and done, though, Matt was my home and family.
It was the selfish part of me who wanted to be that person to Will, as opposed to his wife, and I had to do my best to be there in whatever capacity he needed me to, not what I wanted. If he wanted a friend because he already had a family, so be it. I'd swallow that pill at some point—I hoped. Regardless, there was one person I could always count on, and that was my son.
Chapter 13
William Calvert
"Goddammit, no." I tucked away my phone again. For the fourth time in as many hours, I'd typed out a text to Kelly, only to delete it before I could press send.
I was not going to turn him into a security blanket.
My stomach was in knots as I aimlessly wandered the house I'd called home for years. Nobody was home, though Lissa would be soon. She got off work at four.
I walked over to the mantle and the photos of Lissa and me there.
The walls of the entire house, it seemed, were reserved for countless photos of our children and family portraits. Lissa documented every birthday, Christmas, and vacation. Even I, at some point, had enjoyed photography, especially if we were out in nature.
The mantle was apparently mine and Lissa's. Seven photos in matching frames stood amongst knickknacks Brady and Aurora had created in school over the years.
In our wedding photo, I was happy. It was a genuine smile I wore. We'd had a lot going on. We were young. Newly married. My parents were showering me with approval, and they helped us stay on our feet as Lissa and I did our best to manage grad school, work, and family at once. I earned my master's and life was great. Life was busy. Full of distractions. For ten years, the American dream was my reality. There were minor bouts of low moments, though easily manageable.
Six of these pictures were taken within those ten years, and I looked content, if not happy, in each one. The seventh photo made me flinch. I'd never liked looking at it. I'd lost weight, and at the time, I was struggling with accepting my life routine as permanent.
My eyes were emptier from that moment on, and there were as many okay times as there were awful. Genuine happiness was saved for rare occasions and was almost exclusively connected to Brady and Aurora.
I heard a car pull up outside, and I glanced at the clock on the bookshelf.
Anxiety rose within me. Taking a final look at the living room, I steeled myself and headed to the kitchen where I chased down a pill with a glass of water.
Lissa was home, and she jumped and dropped her keys when she spotted me. "Oh, Christ! William—I'm sorry, honey, I didn’t know you were home." She picked up her keys, leaving her purse and a bag of groceries on the nearest counter. Then she rounded the table to hug me. "It's so good to see you. I worry day and night."
It was…strange, seeing her again. I'd requested a few days of seclusion to get settled in the cabin, after which we'd exchanged brief messages here and there. I'd only spoken to her twice, and we were nearing the two-week mark since I left the house.
"How are you?" I gave her a gentle squeeze and kissed the top of her head before releasing her. The familiar scent of her sweet perfume brought forth nausea, and I had to sit down.
"I'm okay. Excited to have Aurora home soon." She sat down next to me, eyeing me with a cautious smile. "You look tired, William." Her hand came up to touch my cheek, and worry creased her forehead. "You're not eating well."
"I'm actually doing a bit better." I cleared my throat and adjusted the upside-down stack of photos I brought down earlier. And it was technically true; I was heading toward something better. I'd stayed busy all week, I'd eaten more regularly, and I'd had my medication adjusted. In approximately four to six weeks, we'd see if it helped.
I'd crossed off every item on the list of things Kelly said I could do if I "felt up to it."
"Are you ready to come home?" she asked.
I swallowed and shifted in my seat, highly uncomfortable. This was it. I had to tell her everything right now. Our daughter was coming home next week; I wasn’t.
"Ah, no." I rubbed my forehead. "We have to talk, Lis. It's something I've done my best to suppress since before you and I met, and I'm sorry I haven't had the courage to be honest sooner. Sorrier than you can ever imagine."
"Okay…" She was instantly wary. "What could be so difficult to tell me?"
The truth.
I picked up the stack of photos and turned the first one over for her to see. "We grew up together." It was a picture of Kelly and me at summer camp, standing on the beach with arms around each other's shoulders, carefree grins, and flashing peace signs to the camera.
Lissa smiled. "Oh, how come I haven't seen this one before? It should be in an album." Just like the rest that I deemed innocent enough. "Who's your friend?"
"His name is Kelly."
That was enough for Lissa to perk up and realize there was much more to this story than…whatever she could possibly have in mind. Because when I picked Brady's middle name, I told her I simply liked it, and my parents weren't likely to tell her the truth.
"We were best friends." I pushed down a wave of nausea and panic, keeping my gaze trained on the photo. Here goes everything. Another forever was about to end. "He's also the first person I fell in love with."
The smile fell from Lissa's face, and she covered her shock behind a hand that flew to her mouth.
Flipping over the rest of the photos, I revealed everything I'd kept locked away in my desk and allowed myself to look at once a month.
I managed to get through the story of how close Kelly and I were, that I fell for him at some point, and that I ultimately kissed him our last summer together, resulting in his abrupt departure from my life. From there, the words tumbled out of me while my heart thundered in my chest.
"It broke me to pieces," I admitted. "He was everything to me. When my parents made me feel down, he was there to pick me up." I wasn’t a confrontational person, and having a father who—from a very early age—demanded perfection meant I kept my head down and took whatever he said to heart. Until Kelly climbed through my window at night and waved off Dad's strict teachings. "Around Kelly, I was enough. He gave me a voice."
Tears were trickling down Lissa's cheeks, and at the mention of my parents, she shook her head. "I'm not following here, William. Your parents are lovely."
Of course they were. Now. I'd done what they set out for me to accomplish. I'd met their goals—somewhat. Dad had reluctantly accepted my change of heart when I wanted to go into education and psychology instead of medicine. With limited contact, glossing over my depression, and no Kelly in my life, t
hey were wonderful parents.
"That wasn’t always the case." I frowned at the memories. Often enough, they would warn me and speak ill of the one person who made everything right in the world for me. "They weren't fond of Kelly." Mostly my father, who brought up Kelly's lack of ambition in life. Mom viewed him mainly as a hellion, which… Well, that was true, but it didn’t make Kelly a bad person, did it?
Lissa's features tightened. "Can you blame them? This is extremely difficult to process, but from what you've told me—how this Kelly left…? The vile things he spat at you? He doesn’t sound like a very nice man."
I inclined my head, accepting her position. "And for years, I was deeply ashamed of my feelings. I decided I couldn’t come to terms with my sexuality, so I hid it. If Kelly called me disgusting, then I had to be disgusting."
She shook her head, fresh tears welling up. "I hope I'll never meet him."
I looked down, and it was my turn to crack. A sudden onslaught of emotion surged forward. She thought this was the extent of it. She thought the worst was over, that all I wanted to tell her was of my sexuality.
"He's back in Camassia, Lis." I lifted my gaze, my head feeling heavier than ever. "It's his cabin I've been staying at."
Her eyes widened, and I forced myself to speak before I couldn’t.
"He moved back a few weeks ago." I averted my eyes cowardly, finding it easier to talk then, and I told her about Kelly being the new Keeper on Little Chinook. I explained that the day she told me I looked like I'd seen a ghost, I had. A ghost from my childhood, and—
"Oh my God, I can't." Lissa shot up from her seat and rested her hands on the table, her chest rising and falling rapidly. "This is too much, William." She angrily wiped away tears. "You've lied to me for years." When she met my gaze, hers was livid. "You named our son after a man—a man—you claim you loved. A man who was awful and made you feel so bad that you couldn’t tell me—your wife!—the truth about…about fucking anything!"
I flinched at the tone, though I'd expected this. I deserved every bit of her anger.
"I can't." She wept and started pacing in the kitchen, her head shaking. "I'm married to a man I don’t even know. You're what, gay? Bisexual? Goddammit, William! I should've known this from the start! If I had, I would've—" She stopped.
"You would've what?" I had to know.
She sniffled and let out a humorless laugh. "Well, I wouldn’t have married you, of course."
Damn. That, I never saw coming. "Are you serious? You wouldn’t have married me if you knew I was drawn to both men and women?"
"Bisexual, then," she muttered. "I honestly don’t know. How can I know?" She spun around to face me, and she looked at me as if for the first time. "I don't know how to process any of this. I need time to think."
"I have to tell you everything first, Lissa," I told her. "I already know the outcome."
"Oh, you do, huh? Glad someone knows." She tried to collect herself and blew out a heavy breath. "Why are you friends with him again? God—the questions." She screwed her eyes shut and rubbed her temples. "If only you knew how this feels."
I gnashed my teeth together. It would do me no good to argue that, even though I had twenty-four goddamn years of knowing.
"Kelly was a kid like me," I said. "I can't hold something he did over two decades ago against him. Not when I know firsthand how painful it is to come to grips with feelings that go beyond what society accepts." I paused as her head snapped up and she narrowed her eyes at me. "He was angry and confused. It doesn’t excuse what he did, but I fucking understand it, Lis. While shame did me in, anger took control of him, and we both ended up hurting others."
"What—" she croaked. "What are you saying? Does he—I mean, is he…?"
"He's gay."
"Oh, God." She slumped down in her chair again and covered her face with her hands. "No," she cried. "This isn't happening. You're—you're having an affair with him, aren't you?"
I froze, the words getting stuck in my throat, and panic seized in my chest. I broke out in a cold sweat. The instinctive no would be as untrue and inaccurate as a yes was.
"Lissa," I coughed.
"Damn you!" she screamed. She flew up again and sobbed into her hands, and I couldn’t for the life of me move an inch. I was stuck watching my marriage fall apart right in front of my eyes.
My eyes welled up, and I had to take a second to stave off a suffocating panic attack. Her cries pierced my ears. The room spun.
Get it together. This is your mess.
"We're not together that way," I managed to force out.
She whimpered. "Then why—"
"We slept together." I pushed the words out of my mouth in a rush. "Once. Last weekend. We slept together."
Hurt slashed across her features, and she pointed toward the door. "Get out, William."
I shook my head quickly. There was no way I could leave. If there was anything to salvage, I was going to fight for my life. "I'm not going anywhere until we've talked—"
"Talked?" she shrieked. "You want to talk? You should've thought about that before you decided to fuck someone else! Before you lied to me! You've ruined our family!"
I exploded and stood before I even realized it. "You think I don’t know that, Lissa?" My voice rose, hoarse and filled with regret and fury. "You wanted to know why I was so depressed? This is why! Every time I look at you, every time I see our children, I think about what a fucking fraud I am. The time you walked in on me and I had a gun in my hand, it was because I couldn’t stand living with myself!"
I cursed and squeezed my eyes shut, everything unraveling, and I was unable to stop it.
"You have no idea how sorry I am." I drew a ragged breath, making sure to face away from her as I wiped at my cheeks. "You have no idea how much I hate what I've done." Breathe. Breathe. "I haven't been feeling like utter crap this past decade because I happen to be bisexual, for God's sake. It's because I knew you deserved better."
The shame grew tenfold. I sat down a beat before my legs would've given out, and I hid my face behind my hands. The truth was out, and now everyone could see what a pathetic excuse for a man I was.
Minutes passed in a heavy silence, and then eventually, I heard the scrape of a chair as Lissa took her seat once more.
At some point, I got my breathing under control, and the acute worry of panic faded to a dull throb. Threatening to erupt but holding back for now. I was left drained and raw, and I suspected my meds provided the thin veil of numbness that seeped in.
"What did you hope to accomplish by telling me everything now?" Lissa sounded numb, too. "Was it because you and your friend took the leap and fucked that you thought it was best to come clean?"
A sharp twinge hit my chest, and I rubbed at the spot and shook my head. "No. I had a session before then. I'd sunk low enough to know there was no other way out. I told her I had to talk to you." Joke was on me. I still didn’t see a way out of this hell.
I stared tiredly at the photos on the table.
Happy times long gone.
"I have no plans whatsoever for the future," I said quietly. "I hope with everything I am that we can be a family for Brady and Aurora's sake, but I know our marriage is over." The thin veil grew thicker, and I welcomed the apathy. It made it possible to face Lissa. "I'm not fit to be with anyone."
She swallowed and nodded sharply. "So you knew you'd leave this house today a separated man?"
"Yes." Because the more I thought about it, the easier it was to see we'd been over for a long time already. My one night with Kelly had stirred intense feelings that'd been dormant for years. Passion—unlike anything I'd ever experienced. My depression wasn’t burying my love for her. It just wasn’t there anymore.
I loved her as the mother of my children, not as my wife. I adored her for the person she was, not as someone I was in love with.
"You see none of the things you've done as forgivable?" she wondered.
I frowned. "Do you?"
&nbs
p; She smiled sadly, a tear rolling down her cheek. "I can't imagine how hard it would be to trust you again, but it would be easier to forgive a fling or an affair—something purely physical—than the fact that you've lied about who you are for as long as we've known each other. Right now, I can barely look at you. I feel sorry for you, William. You're a very weak man, and like I said, I'm going to need a lot of time before I make my decision on what happens next."
Well.
There was a mix of emotions in reaction to what she said, from agreement and grief to anger and hurt, but I wasn’t going to sit here and argue semantics about how much I'd hidden from her. One thing was certain, though. We were done, and I no longer felt as bad about it. Her almost condescending tone sparked something inside me.
"The decision's already been made, Lis." I stood up and gathered the photos. "This is what's going to happen next. I'm going to find my own place, and we'll tell the kids together that we're divorcing."
Anger flared in her eyes. "What happened to you wanting us to be a family?"
"In separate homes," I snapped. Fuck. It was her comment earlier, calling me weak and saying she felt sorry for me, that pissed me off. Life wasn’t black and white. She could call me a horrible husband, but god-fucking-dammit, I'd held on for as long as I could. "For Brady and Aurora, I want us to be united." I paused on my way toward the stairs, and I leveled her with a serious look. "If you fight me on the matter of our children, you'll see how weak I really am."
I didn’t want to be weak anymore.
I'm not going to be fucking weak anymore.
Chapter 14
Kelly Oakley
My phone vibrated in my pocket as I secured the boat, and I struggled with my temper when I saw it was a text from Will.
Hey, Kelly. I just arrived at the cabin, and there's no list. What do you want me to work on next week? Hope you're well.
"How about you work on go fucking yourself," I muttered to myself.
I was a prick. A jealous one.
Nothing left to do. The new boiler will be delivered on Tuesday, that’s it. You've done enough, man. Rest. Hope you're good, too.
