by A. R. Breck
She leans over in her bed and grabs her phone off the nightstand. Unlocking it, I stare at her with a blank face as her fingers fly over the keys, typing out a text.
A moment later, my phone dings with a message. Pulling out my phone from my pocket, I read what she wrote.
Rose: It’s easier to talk like this. My voice hurts, Easton. Actually, my entire body hurts. Inside and out. I just... I can’t get over this shit with my dad. How can I fully forgive you or even trust you if you kept this big of a secret from me? You knew my father? You didn’t even think to tell me he was in some serious shit? You know your dad. You know the type of person he is, yet you left me in the dark when mine was in some serious trouble.
“I know. I—shit, I fucked up. You have to understand, though. It’s not as simple as realizing you two are related and just coming up to you and letting you know. There is some serious shit going on with the business, and your dad was a massive part of that. I can’t risk the business. But more importantly, I wasn't going to put you in harm’s way when I didn’t even know the entire story yet. By the time I figured everything out, it was too late. That is my fuck up, and I’m so damn sorry, Rose.”
Rose: I don’t get it. I don’t get your lifestyle or the reason why you do half of the shit that you do. All of these horrible things that's happened since I moved here, it’s just never-ending. The one similarity is that it’s always at the Pit. It’s always around you.
I gulp, and the feeling in my throat is back. It’s hard to swallow. The truth to her statement is like a bitter honey drowning me with its thickness.
Rose: But I can’t deny the reality. The one person who saves me over and over again, is you. I can never repay you for that.
“I don’t want any fucking repayment. I just want you!” I whisper shout, anger radiating to my jaw. I’m clenching my teeth so hard, they feel like they’re going to crack in half. I’m angry, and I can’t yell. I want to go and touch my girl, but I can’t do that either. I’m stuck, whispering and standing alone. It’s the worst feeling ever.
Rose: How can you want me after everything that’s happened? I can barely look at myself in the mirror. How can you even stand the sight of me?
She whimpers when she hits send, and I want to tear my aching heart straight out of my chest.
“I don’t fucking care, Rose. I don’t. I will murder anyone who makes you feel that way. I will kill for you. Does that make you see me differently? That I've literally ended a life—for you?
Rose: No.
“Exactly. What I’ve done in my life could give me a death sentence. People might see me as a monster. But not you. And it’s the same for you. Some coked-out fucker took what wasn’t his. He never had that right. That means nothing, Rose. You were Rose before it happened, and you are still Rose now. Will things be different? Maybe. I don’t care. I just. Don’t. Care.”
Rose watches me as the tears fill up her eyes until they overflow and roll down her cheeks. “Thank you.” She whispers.
I smile at her and claim Cara’s spot on the floor. “Go to sleep, Rose. I’ll see you in the morning.”
I hear her rustling around underneath her covers and then a small, “Night.”
Chapter Four
Falling apart is painful. Staying strong is excruciating.
Rose
Seconds pass. Minutes, hours, I’m not sure how long, honestly. I alternate between staring at the wall or a sleeping Easton. I can’t sleep. If I sleep, I dream. And if I dream, I see Corey.
I see him with his erratic eyes and aggressive movements. I hear the sound of the gunshot going through his skull and the sound of insides hitting the pavement. I feel death. I feel it all around me. I don’t want to sleep because I don’t want to see, hear, or feel any of those things.
So, I stay awake.
I’m not sure how long this will last, but fuck, I’m going to do everything I can to stay awake.
I’m grateful for Easton for staying the night. Even though I can’t physically touch him right now, I feel comfort in knowing he’s near. I’m not sure what’s going to happen to us. At some point, he’s going to want to move on from being with the girl who has turned into a skittish, wounded animal. He’s going to want to feel another woman in his arms, in his bed.
Even the thought of sex at this point makes my body break out in goosebumps. Nope, can’t even think about it.
I watch Easton sprawled out on the bedroom floor, a scowl on his face, even in his sleep. You would think that at some time during the night, his face would relax. But nope, always on the defense, always on guard. I can’t fault him, though. I’m sure if I were to be asleep, my face would have a pretty restless look as well.
I think back to earlier, and how Cara was a Godsend. If I didn’t have her with me when we came to the Shack, I’m sure my mom would have called the police and the hospital from the state I was in.
Eight hours earlier...
My nails hurt. They’re throbbing so much, I’m almost convinced they’re going to pop off my fingertips. My fingers are gripping the edge of Cara’s car seat so hard, the pressure it’s putting on my fingers is concerning.
I wish I could tell myself to release my fingers.
I can’t.
Watching the Grove pass me by, my mind can’t help but feel panic at every single person that flies past my window. Everything that has happened since I’ve moved here has turned my life into a nightmare. I’m scared to be outside at this point.
I’m scared to be anywhere.
“Rose, take a deep breath. We’re going to be fine. We’re almost there.” Cara says in a calm voice. Such a difference from her badass attitude she usually walks around with.
I realize the moment she says that how fast my breathing is. I look down, and honest to God my shirt is shaking from how hard my heart is beating.
I take a shaky breath and yell at my locked-up fingers to calm down, too.
Release the fucking seat, fingers. Just let fucking go.
No such luck. I look down and see each fingernail turning from red and purple to a ghostly white. Gross.
We turn into my neighborhood, and Cara slows down a bit, trying to prepare me for human interaction.
“Do you want to talk? Or do you want me to do all the talking?” Cara asks, turning onto my street.
I shake my head no and nod my head at her.
“Yeah, okay. I can do the talking. What story should I say? Your eye is pretty much swollen shut, your voice sounds like you were at a concert for a week straight, and you won’t let anyone touch you. I don’t think this shit is going to go well. Oh, and by the way, Easton made me call her earlier and tell her some story. I said you ate some bad food and we’re sitting on the toilet. My bad. That doesn't really explain your appearance, unfortunately.”
I scowl at her. She doesn't even flinch.
Pulling up into my driveway, I can at least be thankful Mom’s boyfriend isn’t here. That would be a nightmare. Her boyfriend, Jeff, isn't even a bad guy. He's been kind to my mom and kind to me the one time I saw him, which I guess doesn't prove much. But he got her off drinking, so he must not be a total waste of a human.
He's one of the last people I want to see right now, though.
“I don’t know. Roll with it.” I rasp out. Honestly, I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but I can’t sit around here for much longer before she calls the police on Easton, and they’re all screwed.
Once Cara flips off the ignition, we both hop out of the car and walk up the driveway to my front door. Every single step I take, it feels like some string is pulling me back with each step. It’s hard to walk. It all just… hurts.
I don’t want to talk to people. I don’t want to even look at people.
Before we can make it to the front door, it swings open and reveals my very upset mother.
“Rose! You sure have some—what the? What the hell! Rose! Not again!” She screams at me, and I want to sink into my unwatered lawn to escape her s
creams. “I told you that next time you came home like this, I was sending you back to Woodbury. What the hell happened?” She starts stepping towards me to grab at my arms, but Cara steps up right in front of me.
“Ms. Strauss, I’m so sorry. The entire thing is my fault. We were at the movies, and like I told you, the food didn’t sit right. My brother had to come pick us up, and he got in a small wreck on the way home. Rose got the worst of it during the crash. We went to sleep it off at my house. We didn’t mean to worry you, right Rose?” Cara glances at me and opens her eyes wide.
I nod my head yes at my mom.
Mom looks at me with narrowed eyes and hands on her hips. She attempts to walk around Cara, but Cara side shuffles to block her again. “So, yeah. I’m so sorry about everything. We weren’t doing anything wrong, Rose just had an upset stomach most of the night and was sore from the crash.”
My mom doesn’t look convinced, but what can she really say? A story is a story, and she can’t prove otherwise.
“Rose, I want you to stay home for the rest of the week. I’m starting to get concerned with everything that’s been happening with you. Something is going on, and until I figure it out, I want you home. Seriously, you really scared me. I was going to call the police!” She flails her hands until they land on her hips; it’s nearly impossible to keep my trembling under control. Her quick movements are making me really uncomfortable.
“Well, I was going to make sure that Rose got in her room okay before I left. She was a little wobbly earlier. You know, hitting her head and stuff.” Cara shrugs her shoulder and looks so fucking nonchalant. I’m not sure if she’s been planning a story in her head for a while or if she is this good at pulling bullshit stories out of her ass.
“I can take her from here, thank you very much.” My mom walks towards me, but I lock up instantly. This time, Mom notices.
“Rose? What’s wrong. Are you scared? Of me?” Her head tilts to the side, and she looks like she’s on the verge of crying.
I shake my head no but can’t help but take a step back for every step she takes forward.
Cara steps in front of me, once again. “Rose, let’s get you in bed. Maybe once you get some sleep, you and your mom can talk, right?”
I look at my mom and smile at her, hoping to appease her.
It does, if only a little. Heaving a wilted sigh, she steps to the side, and both Cara and I shuffle past as quickly as we can.
I speed walk to my room, and Cara closes the door behind me. “I’m so sorry, Rose. I tried, but I’m not sure if it worked.”
I shake my head and keep my eyes closed as my hands tremble uncontrollably. Pressing my hands up against the wall, I take in a few deep breaths to stop the tears from gathering in my eyes. My chest constricts, and it feels like I can’t even get a complete breath.
Is this a panic attack?
“Rose, take a deep breath,” Cara whispers from behind me, far enough away that I can barely hear her. Good, she knows I need the distance right now.
I’m not sure where this is coming from, as I’ve never felt this out of control over my emotions. But as I take deep breaths to slow my racing heart, my heart breaks for what my mom must think right now. We finally started getting along again after our talk the other night. It finally felt like we were able to move forward in a new town.
And now, I feel like we took ten steps backward.
Once my hands stop shaking and I can finally take a full breath, I turn away from the wall and open my eyes, looking at Cara as she stands in the corner of the room, wringing her hands and giving me a worried look.
“I’m fine.” I rasp. “Tired, going to go sleep.” I clear my throat and climb under the covers, not giving her a chance to respond or start up a conversation.
I’m grateful for her, and I love her to death, but I’m exhausted. And more than that, every single time I move, the pain between my legs reminds me of what I’ve been through.
I don’t want to remember. I just want to forget.
I listen as Cara silently sets her stuff down and lay down on the floor. Shortly after, the sounds of her deep breaths give away her sleep.
I wish I could fall asleep, but I can’t. Instead, I just lay there and watch the wall. Listen to Cara’s breathing. Wait for the seconds to pass.
Wait for this nightmare to be over.
Snapping out of my memory of yesterday, I glance out the window and see the sun starting to rise over the hill in the distance. Well, there goes my night. My muscles feel stiff, and my eyes feel like sandpaper.
I lay there and watch the sun slowly rise for the next thirty minutes, eventually filling my small bedroom with light.
Easton stirs from his sleep, stretching out until he’s straight as a board and then sitting up quickly, looking directly at me. “How’d you sleep?” He asks, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
I shrug, trying to tamper down the flutters in my chest at the sound of his morning rasp. Down below might be ruined for eternity, but that doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t skip beats at the look of this God in front of me.
“You look tired. Did you even sleep?” He asks after staring at me.
I shrug again.
“Rose, what’s up? You didn’t sleep at all, did you?” The look on his face is torture. I wish I could take away the pain I know I’m causing him, but I don’t even know how to take away my own pain.
I’m drowning in it.
I look him in the eye and give my head a little shake.
He sighs. “Talk to me, babe. What’s going on with you?”
“Can’t sleep,” I whisper out.
“Why not? Are you scared?” He inches towards me, but not too much. I know he wants to come and hold me or boss me around until I give him what he wants, but the fear on my face holds him back.
“I just, can’t sleep.” I close my eyes and lay my head back on my pillow. I’m exhausted from the day already.
Easton is about to speak again when we hear my mom flush the toilet from the bathroom right out in the hall. His eyes get wide, and I give him a look. “You have to go. When she leaves, I'll text you.”
He looks like he is about to argue when I point at the window. “Go. I can’t get in trouble again. Please.”
He gives me a nod and walks over to the window, sliding it open and giving me one more glance before slipping out into the morning sun.
I lay there, staring at the window and waiting for something.
I’m just not sure what that something is.
Chapter Five
Picking up the pieces one dead body at a time.
Easton
I glance back at Rose’s bedroom window one more time before cranking my truck into drive and heading back towards my house. She seemed better than yesterday. In the sense that she’s not in a trance.
But this not sleeping shit is going to hit her hard. Not sure when that will happen, but I hope someone is there with her when it does.
She’s lucky, because the only reason I so willingly left was because I need to deal with Rich.
I unlock my phone and dial Logan, ready to get today’s shit done so I can head back to Rose. “Logan,” I say once he answers.
“Hey, man. How’s Rose doin’?” His voice sounds full of sleep. I hear a feminine voice in the background and can only assume Cara just woke up, too. I can’t help the jealousy that fills my chest knowing that Logan and Cara get to have a normal relationship. Things just seem so easy for them. It never is for Rose and me. If we aren’t battling one demon, we’re battling another.
“Not good, to be honest. I don’t think she’s sleeping. At all. Can you send Cara over there? Her mom should be heading out to work soon, and I will be back there after I go visit with Rich, but in the meantime, I think she needs someone with her.”
“For sure. She’s getting up to head over there now. Hey, do you want me to come with you to see Rich? We should probably figure out what’s going down with Sanders. And figure out shit about th
e Leonard situation.” I told Jackson and Logan about Leonard yesterday on our way down to the river. They both looked pissed off, but we all agreed we needed to handle the Corey situation before anything else.
I let out a growl of frustration. There is way too much shit that I need to handle right now when all I really want to do is sit by Rose until she heals.
Both inside and out.
“Yeah, might as well. I’ll be over there in about thirty. Going to head home and shower quick.”
“Sounds good. See you.” Logan hangs up, and I toss my phone onto my lap as I pull up to my house.
~
After a quick shower, I shoot off a text to Logan and Jackson to meet me at my truck. I’m assuming Cara is over there with Rose by now. I could text Rose, but I don’t want to hover too much and have her feel smothered.
I could also text Cara, but those girls talk more than a whore on coke. I’m sure Cara will start gabbing her big mouth about me, and again, I don’t want Rose to feel smothered.
I’ll head over there once I talk to Rich. I just hope that whatever news I receive is good news. I can only handle so much before I fucking snap.
“Hey, dude.” Logan walks around my truck with Jackson in tow.
I give them each a fist bump, and we all hop into my truck.
“How’s Rose?” Jackson asks. Logan must not have updated him on Rose.
I turn on my car and start driving towards the warehouse. “I don’t know what I'm going to do. She talked to me last night, just a little. By the way, that fuck really messed up her voice. She can barely speak. I don’t know what to do about that, but anyway, she still isn’t letting anyone come near her. I didn’t really try, but you can tell when you get close, she locks up on herself. I eventually just crashed on her floor, and when I woke up, I could tell she didn’t sleep at all. Like, what the fuck. Am I supposed to drug her with some sleeping pills? She needs to fucking sleep.” The desperation in my voice doesn’t go unnoticed.
