“Yes, tomorrow night is great. I get off work at five o’clock,” I answer, trying to keep my voice steady. Being this close to him has my body electrified. I’m going to need to work on keeping myself in check.
As Drew leans in closer to me, I automatically tilt my face up to his, and he whispers, “I’ll see you around seven. Text me your address.” As the last word leaves his mouth, he places a soft, lingering kiss to my lips. Pulling back from our embrace, eyes shining, Drew smiles. “I’m going to like kissing you regularly, Rosie Fisher.”
It was all so quick; I’m left staring after his departing figure, lips tingling and full of more hope than I thought possible. But it’s that hopeful feeling that frightens me.
I’ve spent most of the day tied up in knots. Abbey asked me at least a dozen times if I’m okay. And I nearly screamed, No! I’m not okay, Abbey! I’m not because I asked Drew Nallen to show me how to be bolder and better at pleasing men! And he agreed! And…and…I’m not sure I can do casual. I promised him casual! Instead, I remained silent and denied feeling anything but amazing.
She’s excited. It’s annoying, but it also makes me feel more eager for this little arrangement.
Now, I’ve just changed into my third outfit, and I have less than thirty minutes until Drew is supposed to be here. I wish I had accepted Abbey’s offer to help me find something to wear. I would’ve saved myself from panic and time, but she would’ve made me feel even more anxiety overall. It is that reason alone I’m not letting her get too close.
I’m not sure how I let her make me think this is a good idea. I think about the person I am and the person I want to be. I want to be more than the girl everyone thinks I am. And more is exactly what I’ll be with Drew’s help.
I step in front of the mirror to inspect my reflection. My chocolate-brown hair is swept up perfectly in a loose bun. A few tendrils hang across my forehead. My strapless, spring-green dress perfectly complements my tawny skin and amber eyes. The way it hugs my curves makes me a little self-conscious, but I look…good. No, I look amazing. Like I’ve never looked before, and instantly, I know I’ve finally found the perfect outfit for my first date with Drew.
Yes, if I continue to step out of my comfort zone, and with Drew’s help, I’ll definitely find what I’m looking for at the end of this arrangement.
A wide smile slowly forms across my face. I’m practically unrecognizable, and I love it. This is the look I was going for tonight. I hope Drew likes it. The moment the thought crosses my mind, I frown, and before I can think too much about my mental slip, I hear a knock at my front door.
Staring at my mirror image one last time, I give myself a quick pep talk. “Be bold. Be strong. Be adventurous,” I say aloud before I turn on my heels and head to the door.
When I pull the door open, Drew’s fist is lifted mid-air, and he smiles, but it falters once he gets a full view of me. I’m not sure how to describe the look that crosses his features.
Shock.
Awe.
A mixture of both.
He quickly schools his expression, giving me one of his alluring smirks. I return the gesture with one of my own.
“Rosie.” He says my name with a sort of faraway reverence. I understand completely why girls throw themselves at him. He’s all charm and confidence. His open demeanor pulls you in with barely a glance, but if he’s looking at you, Drew Nallen owns your attention.
Tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear, I look down at my feet and back up again as his name leaves my lips. “Drew.”
“You look amazing,” he tells me after another couple of seconds of silence.
My cheeks turn a deep shade of pink. I turn quickly so as not to give away the fact he’s just made my night. “Thank you. You look nice, too.” I reach for my clutch sitting on the small wooden table next to the door.
When I turn back around, he has that look again on his face I can’t quite place, then it quickly disappears. His gaze drifts to mine and for a few seconds, I see that part of him I’ve caught a glimpse of a few times, but always quickly fades away.
Eyes clear of any emotion, Drew takes my hand and places it through the crook of his arm. “Shall we?” he asks, closing the door behind us.
Looking over at him, I nod, my face glowing with happiness. “We shall,” I answer. It’s been a while since I’ve gone on a first date. Four and half years to be exact, but for some reason, I feel at ease. I look over at his face. As usual, he seems calm and collected. “You didn’t tell me where we’re going.”
Glancing at me from the corner of his eye, his lips tilt up on one side.
“No. No, I didn’t,” he responds, humor in his voice. He sounds playful and happy. This is definitely going to be fun. I think Drew Nallen is the perfect answer to my prayers.
I squeeze his arm and stop thinking about all the what-ifs of this scenario. Instead, I focus on just being with Drew, what I want, and having fun while doing it.
We’re sitting at one of my favorite restaurants on the wharf, Reva’s. It’s been nice so far. Drew has been recounting his day while I’ve been quietly listening.
It’s comfortable being with Drew. I feel extra relaxed, and it has nothing to do with the fact I’m on my second glass of chardonnay. It’s just easy to be with him.
Drew clears his throat, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Rosie, I think we need to set some rules. I agreed to do this, and the more I think about it, I’m worried about how you will handle what you’re asking of me. I want to be clear about what we’re doing,” he tells me. I can tell he’s honestly concerned.
A burst of laughter slips past my lips, and one of Drew’s eyebrows shoots up.
“That’s funny, huh?” He smirks.
Nodding my head, I try to say between snorts, “You are so serious.”
“This is serious, Rosie. I don’t want to hurt you. This isn’t something I take lightly. You’re my friend. I know who I am and how I live my life. I’m careful when it comes to my personal life.” He doesn’t look like he finds my laughing cute anymore. Drew is serious.
I quickly wipe the smile from my face.
Reaching my hand across the table, I gently touch his, and he flinches, but I don’t pull away. “I’m sorry. I do that when things get too serious or uncomfortable,” I try to explain. I wait until he looks up from our hands. “Look, I get who you are. When I told you last night I understand what this whole arrangement will be and what it won’t be, I meant it. I’m not one of those girls, Drew, who thinks she can change you. I know what I’m doing. I like you. You’re honest. You’re kind. I trust you, and that’s why I decided you’re the one I want to do this with.”
Taking a deep breath, I continue while he watches me. “Regardless of your agreement to do this with me, I was going to do it anyway. Hell, I was planning on having this kind of arrangement with a complete stranger. In fact, I was thinking of multiple complete strangers.” His mouth falls open, but I go on. “I just got lucky you walked in because I’d be sitting there with either “Boogers McGee” or “Harry and the Hendersons” as my only options at that moment.
This time, he laughs out loud. Isn’t it weird how your body can react so strongly to such a simple, normal sound? It isn’t only his laugh, though. It’s the way his eyes crinkle at the corners like they’re laughing right along with him. The best part is I’m the one who made him laugh. I never made Michael laugh.
“You’re funny; you know that, Rosie Fisher?” he says between chuckles.
I blush. He makes me do that a lot.
“Seriously, though. You want rules, then let’s make rules,” I comment. “I’m sure I can come up with some of my own.”
“I want to make rules,” he states matter-of-factly. “And I wouldn’t feel comfortable if you didn’t have your own.”
I intertwine my fingers, placing my elbows on the table and resting my chin on my hands, and lean forward. “You first,” I say.
He mimics my movements.
It’s like we’re having a showdown. Who will crack first?
“Fine. Rule number one, leave all emotional feelings at the door. This is about mutual pleasure, about you getting what you want, and nothing more,” he says in a challenging tone. It’s like he’s trying to scare me away. Well, it won’t work. I’m determined to do this, and he’s already agreed to it, so I’m not letting him back out now.
“Fine, I say, repeating his sentiment. “I’m changing the agreement a little.”
I’m not sure when this idea came to me or why I suddenly want to change the terms of our initial agreement, but I suddenly feel like this is the best way to handle it for both of our sakes. His eyes widen, and he looks like he wants to say something, but he remains silent.
“I don’t want to date you casually. I only want to have sex casually with you,” I declare.
Drew drops his hands to the table with a thump. “What in the ever loving hell are you talking about, Rosie? Did you just say you only want to have sex with me?”
I can’t tell if he is appalled or intrigued. There it is again, the urge to laugh, but I hold it down. I need to be confident because I need him to take me seriously. I mean what I’m proposing to him. I think it may be the only way to guard my heart. Sure, it may not make sense to most people, but if we only have sex for pleasure and no emotions, I can separate myself. Dates will make it harder because the playing field will be bigger and there’s more of a chance to feel something I shouldn’t. Sex is sex. Or so I’m telling myself.
I push my shoulders back and sit up straight. “That’s exactly what I just said. No dates between us. Only sex. I just have one stipulation: I want you to help me change into someone a guy would notice. Someone a guy would want to date. Tell me the rules of how to keep a man’s interest. Teach me. Coach me. I want to know how to be a girl someone wants to be with. I also want to be able to have sex and without letting my feelings get involved.”
“Let me get this straight. You want me to coach you for dates with other guys, but I get to sleep with you?” He says it like he thinks I’m crazy. Maybe I am.
“It’s good to know I made myself clear,” I reply with as much sass as I can muster.
“Are you—” he starts to say. I cut him off before he can finish.
“Yes, I’m sure, Drew. I know what I want, and I also know I’m only mentally capable of sleeping with someone I trust. I know. This is a win-win situation for me. And, you still get to have your number one rule. No feelings. No emotions.”
I notice a frown before his expression becomes neutral.
“Okay.” He sounds resigned to the fact I’m not changing my mind. Good. “How will I coach you if I’m not the one on the date with you?”
“A valid question and I think maybe you should follow me,” I suggest then realize that sounds a bit strange. “What I mean is, I’ll let you know where I’m going. We’ll talk before and after to discuss.”
“This is so weird,” he interjects. I shrug my shoulders.
“I know, but I need your help,” I tell him.
“But, why? You’re…” he begins to say.
“I’m boring. I’m plain. I lack experience. Drew, I’m the epitome of safe, and guys don’t want mundane. They want more,” I proclaim. “I want to be more.”
I try to keep the hurt and resentment out of my voice and off my face.
Blinking, he watches me for a moment before speaking. “Alright, I’ll go where you go. I’ll agree to the arrangement if it’s what you really want.
Suddenly, I’m nervous again, so I do what any person with the urge to jump up from her chair and run screaming from the room would do. I pick up my glass of wine and down it. I think Drew knows his consent to my rules has me feeling a little off the solid ground because he’s watching me wearing that same crooked grin I’ve seen time and time again.
We sit silently staring out the window over the silvery ocean until our bill comes. Drew pays it, and we both stand. He quietly takes my hand, leading to the exit. When we walk out into the cool night air, I pull my sweater on to keep from getting a chill.
Drew reaches for my hand again and begins walking forward, but I don’t move. Another rule just popped into my head. When I remain standing, Drew turns and looks at me.
“What’s wrong?” he asks me, a confused look on his face.
“One more rule,” I state plainly.
“Uh…okay,” he says, his tone urging me to continue.
“We can go on dates with other people. We can sleep with one another. But, we absolutely cannot sleep with other people. Our sex is monogamous,” I instruct, leaving no room for argument.
“You know I don’t do serious,” he states, the smirk back on his face.
“Well, I don’t want an STD or anything. My parents would die if I got the clap or something!” I squeak out, glancing around to see if anyone is near enough to have heard me.
Drew explodes with laughter. He’s laughing at me so hard, tears are coming from his eyes. What did I say that was so funny?
Stomping my foot, I shout, “I’m serious!”
He bends over at the waist, hands on his knees, attempting to regain his composure. I stare down at him, watching him laugh, still confused by the fact he is laughing at something so serious.
Drew seems to have finally gotten it together. Straightening, he looks at me, fighting another burst of laughter.
“I’m serious,” I whisper this time.
He reaches for my hand, taking it in his, and dips his head to catch my eye. I still see a ghost of a smile on his lips. “I know you are, Rosie, but really? The clap? You couldn’t think of any other STD?” A chuckle slips past his lips again.
Shrugging my shoulders, I begin to smile too. “It’s the first thing that came to my mind.”
He moves his hand to my face, caressing my cheek, and our gazes lock.
“You really are just too adorable for my own good,” he tells me sincerely.
There’s that damn word again, but for some reason, I don’t hate it this time when he says it.
I’m nervous as hell when Drew walks me to my door. Did we agree to do this tonight? Am I ready?
Oh, shit. I’m not sure anymore. He’s standing behind me as I unlock the door. I’m afraid to face him because if I do, what will I see on his face? Will it be desire or just a guy acting like a gentleman by walking his date to the door? I don’t know which I prefer.
Once I have the door unlocked, I slowly turn back to face him.
“Thank…you,” I stutter out nervously.
He smiles. Just as he did earlier, Drew places his hand on the side of my cheek. “Don’t,” he whispers. He strokes my cheek softly with his thumb. A shiver runs through my body. It’s impossible for my eyes to leave his. “I really like you, Rosie. Are you ready for this?”
Feeling a rush of nerves, I blurt out, “Are we going to have sex now?” I slap my hand over my mouth. God damn it.
Drew raises his eyebrows and his face lights up, but he doesn’t laugh at me. I can tell he wants to, but instead he just says, “I thought it might be a good idea.”
I can’t do anything but nod.
“Are you sure? Because if you aren’t, it’s okay. I want you to be sure,” he continues tenderly.
I feel so safe. It’s a feeling I didn’t even realize had been missing from my life.
Placing my hand over his, I pull his hand to lead him into my apartment without saying a word. The moment we cross my threshold is the only answer he needs. He whips me around, closing the door at the same time he pushes me up against it.
When our mouths collide with one another, a moan escapes our lips; I’m not sure if it’s coming from Drew or me.
It just feels so good. So right. And it’s because of that feeling that I suddenly place my hands on Drew’s chest pushing him away from me.
“Rosie?” He says my name like a question. Of course he does; one minute I’m just as hot and heavy as he is and then boom, I’m pushing
him away.
As I lift my hand to my mouth, tears slowly fall down my face. He takes a step toward me, and I put my hand up between us. He freezes.
“I’m so sorry, Drew. I’m not sure I can do this even if I want it,” I confess quietly.
He reaches his hand towards me. “No, Rosie. Don’t be sorry. I want you… God, do I want you, but I only want you if you want me too. Come here.” He tries to comfort me with his words as he takes my hand, pulling me into his arms.
I go willingly, allowing Drew to draw me into his embrace. Safe.
I’m not sure how long we stand there, me in his arms before we move into the living room. He guides me to the couch, pulling me into his lap as he falls onto my overstuffed couch.
“Tell me something, Rosie,” he says, pausing until I nod my head against his shoulder. “Who hurt you?”
Safe flutters through my mind again. I feel safe, and because Drew makes me feel this way, I begin to tell him about Michael and what led me to make this agreement with him. He listens without saying a word. He doesn’t need to respond to anything I tell him because I can feel every emotion my words bring out in him.
I feel his anger when his heart rate speeds up, and the muscles in his chest tighten. I can feel his protectiveness when his arms gingerly tighten around me. I feel it all, so I keep talking. And he keeps quiet until I come to the part where Michael blamed me for his infidelity and the end of our relationship.
I’ve moved from his lap; my head now rests on it as he plays with my hair.
“Abbey is the one who encouraged me to put myself out there, but if I’m honest, you’re the one who made me actually want something more for myself. Michael was right; I became so boring. So routine. I lost myself in him, and there is no one to blame but myself. I’ve never been exceptional, but I also never tried to be. I always say the wrong things at the wrong time. I’ve never been confident or bold or carefree. I could see the moment I looked into your eyes that you are all of those things. You made me want,” I reveal to him. I’ve never quite said those things, my insecurities, to anyone until this moment.
Falling Slowly (Falling Novella Series Book 1) Page 4
