‘Lift-off status report!’ said Ned.
‘My undercarriage appears to be stuck,’ said Robobum.
‘Full thrust!’ said Ned. ‘Give it everything you’ve got.’
‘Affirmative!’ said Robobum, drawing on every bit of her nuclear stinkant-juice powered twin-injected nitro-assisted engine’s power.
Zack and Eleanor both put their fingers in their ears to block out the deafening roar.
But still Robobum remained earth-bound.
‘Negative,’ said Robobum. ‘Robobum is immobilised. Recommend extra-vehicular excursion to establish and remove cause.’
‘I’ll go,’ volunteered Zack.
‘Good on you, Zack,’ said his bum, jumping up and slapping him on the back. ‘I knew we could count on you.’
‘You’re coming with me, you know,’ said Zack. ‘I’m not going out there without backup. It’s dangerous.’
‘That’s exactly why I’d prefer to remain here,’ said his bum. ‘Why don’t you take Eleanor? She’ll be more use to you.’
‘Don’t push your luck,’ said Eleanor with quiet menace.
Zack’s bum saw the look in her eyes. ‘When do we leave?’ it said.
‘Right now,’ said Zack.
*Bum positioning system. See glossary.
CHAPTER 48
VINES
‘Wow!’ said Zack as he and his bum materialised onto the ground in front of Robobum. ‘Would you look at that!’
Robobum was perched on the edge of a deep canyon.
‘That’s some crack,’ said his bum admiringly.
‘It’s so deep!’ said Zack, trying to see the bottom.
‘It’s so wide!’ said his bum.
Zack stared down into it for so long that he began to feel light-headed. He had to force himself to stop looking and concentrate on the job at hand.
It wasn’t too hard to see why Robobum was unable to lift off.
She was caught in a messy tangle of pale grey vines. The vines were attached to a clump of trees and rocks and stretched right across the canyon like a giant spider web, except that the strands were as thick as rope.
‘This stuff is everywhere,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘What do you think it is?’
‘Looks like some sort of vine or creeper,’ said Zack, taking a piece in his hand. ‘Pretty strong. And sticky, too. No wonder Robobum couldn’t break free.’
Zack took his Bum-fighters’ Army pocket knife out of his utility belt and began cutting.
It was hard work.
The vines were tough. They were made up of millions of strands wound tightly around each other to form a powerful bond.
As Zack cut slowly through the first vine—practically strand by strand—he was grateful for the stinkant juice, which had left a greasy coating on his hands. It allowed him to handle the vines without getting stuck to them.
He was halfway through cutting a second vine when he heard a voice.
It was a long way away, but definitely a voice.
‘Can you hear that?’ said Zack.
‘Yes,’ said his bum. ‘And I can see where it’s coming from, too.’
It pointed to the middle of the canyon.
Zack squinted.
There was something moving on the vines.
‘Do you think it’s Eleanor’s bum?’ said Zack.
‘No,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘It’s not the right colour.
And it’s too big.’
‘Do you think it’s in trouble?’ said Zack.
‘It sounds like it,’ said Zack’s bum.
‘Do you think we should help it?’ said Zack.
‘Definitely not,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘It’s totally off mission. I think we should just cut Robobum free and get out of here.’
‘But,’ said Zack, ‘we can’t just leave it there!’
‘Yes, we can,’ said Zack’s bum, hacking into the vine. ‘This is a dangerous place. If we get distracted, we die.’
They heard the strange gurgling cry again.
Zack looked at his bum. ‘What if it was you out there?’ he said.
‘But it’s not me,’ said his bum.
‘I know that,’ said Zack. ‘But what if it was? You’d want to be rescued, wouldn’t you?’
‘Y-yes . . .’ said his bum. ‘But . . .’
‘Then that settles it,’ said Zack. ‘We’re going.’
CHAPTER 49
BUMANTULA
Five minutes later Zack was crawling across the sticky vines towards the struggling figure, his bum perched on his shoulder.
‘Gee,’ said his bum, looking down into the canyon. ‘I’d hate to fall.’
‘That makes two of us,’ said Zack.
‘It’s such a long way down,’ said his bum.
‘Yep,’ said Zack, gripping the vine tightly.
‘You’d end up totally splattered,’ said his bum. ‘Splattered just like a rotten watermelon dropped from a . . .’
‘Would you shut up!’ said Zack, grimacing. ‘You’re not helping!’
Zack was all too well aware of how high they were.
And how far down they could fall.
But he was doing his best not to think about it. He was just climbing slowly—and very carefully—across the vines towards the moaning figure.
‘What’s it saying?’ said Zack’s bum, as they crawled closer.
‘I don’t know,’ said Zack. ‘I don’t know what language it’s speaking. I don’t even know what it is.’
It didn’t seem to resemble anything he’d ever seen before—man, beast or bum—but, whatever it was, it was definitely trying to communicate with them.
It appeared to be made of flesh. Flesh that had been pulverised and mashed and then moulded into the rough shape of a man.
And it stunk.
Bad.
Really bad.
Although he was no stranger to bad smells, Zack gagged as they drew up close to the horrible creature. It appeared to be trying to form words, but was having great trouble doing so because its mouth was so crudely formed—like a hole in a piece of dough.
‘Can you make out what it’s saying now?’ said Zack’s bum.
‘Something about great danger, I think,’ said Zack.
‘Um, Zack . . .’ said his bum, the blood rushing from its cheeks, leaving it white and trembling and—for once—speechless.
‘What’s the matter?’ said Zack. ‘Are you all right?’
His bum just pointed to the far side of the canyon.
An enormous black shape was moving across the vines towards them.
An enormous black shape with two bulbous domes and eight legs.
Zack didn’t have Ned’s What Bumosaur is That? guide, but he didn’t need it. He could see that it was a bumantula.
A giant prehistoric bumantula.
And suddenly—all too late—he could understand what the smelly creature meant by ‘great danger’.
One thing was for sure. There was no time to save the creature. It was every man—or in its case, every mutant—for himself.
Zack turned around, but the hideous creature grabbed his leg. ‘Don’t leave me here,’ it begged. ‘Help me, Zack. Help me like I helped you!’
Zack froze.
The mutant knew his name!
CHAPTER 50
MUTANT
Zack stared at the mutant.
He looked into its eyes—two deep bloodshot pools of pain—and recognised their owner.
It was the Mutant Maggot Lord. Or, to be more accurate, thought Zack, what used to be the Mutant Maggot Lord. The mass of putrefying flesh in front of him bore little resemblance to anyone—or anything—but Zack knew those eyes.
He’d known them when they’d belonged to the Kisser—the dirty doublecrossing traitor to the bum-fighting cause. And, even after the Kisser had become the hideously deformed Mutant Maggot Lord—as a result of falling into a brown lake full of giant mutant maggots—Zack had still recognised his eyes. And Zack had looked into those eyes,
for what he’d been sure was the final time, when the Mutant Maggot Lord had heroically sacrificed himself to his beloved maggots in order to allow Zack, his bum, Eleanor and the famous bum-fighting team of Mabel’s Angels to escape to freedom. But what was he doing here? How was it possible that he was still alive? What had happened to this man . . . this beast . . . this . . . mutant?
‘Zack!’ yelled his bum, recovering its voice. ‘Do something!’
Zack looked up.
The bumantula was closing in fast.
Its twin cheeks wobbled sickeningly as it picked its way across its web. And its shiny black fangs glistened.
Zack reached out to the Mutant Maggot Lord and grabbed the arm that he was holding out to him. Zack pulled as hard as he could.
‘Aaaggghhh!’ yelled the Mutant Maggot Lord.
Zack gasped.
He’d ripped the Mutant Maggot Lord’s arm completely off his body.
‘Careful!’ yelled the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘I’m still very frail, you know.’
‘What on earth happened to you?’ said Zack, staring disbelievingly at the dripping arm and then at the Mutant Maggot Lord.
‘Now is hardly the time,’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord, ‘but as you know, I was eaten by mutant zombie maggots who then became mutant zombie blowflies. They got sucked into the brown hole. What you don’t know is that they vomited me back up when they got here. I managed to pull the pieces of myself together again—or what was left of them—and then I got stuck in this stupid web.’
‘That’s awful,’ said Zack, finding it impossible not to feel compassion for the former traitor. Not even a traitor deserved to be turned into a pile of zombie blowfly spew.
‘Yeah,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘Awful and totally gross.’
A look of pain passed over what remained of the Mutant Maggot Lord’s face.
‘Sorry,’ said Zack. ‘My bum can be very rude. It doesn’t mean it.’
‘Yes, I do!’ said his bum.
‘Don’t worry about it,’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord, pointing. ‘Worry about that!’
Zack turned around.
The bumantula was close.
Too close.
CHAPTER 51
ORIGAMI
The bumantula extended an enormous black leg towards Zack’s heart. The lethal black tip shone like a spear.
Zack hit it with the only weapon he had available—the Mutant Maggot Lord’s freshly amputated arm.
But it had no effect. He might as well have hit the bumantula with a stocking full of warm jelly. The arm splattered against the spider’s leg and splashed all over Zack, his bum and the Mutant Maggot Lord.
‘Hey!’ said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘That’s my arm.’
‘That was your arm,’ said Zack’s bum, wiping it off itself.
‘Sorry,’ said Zack.
‘Good one, Zack!’ said his bum.
‘Okay, Mr Smarty Pants,’ said Zack. ‘I’d like to see you do better.’
The tip of the spider’s leg was only inches away from Zack’s chest.
‘All right, I will!’ said Zack’s bum. ‘Watch this!’
Zack gasped as he watched his bum leap from his shoulder onto the bumantula’s leg and use it as a bridge to get right up close to its glistening black fangs. ‘Merry Christmas!’ said Zack’s bum, bending over and giving the bumantula a present it would never forget.
It had an instant effect. The huge beast withdrew its legs and contracted into a tight black ball as it tried to protect itself against the disgusting fumes.
‘Phew,’ said Zack, blocking his nose. ‘What have you been eating?’
‘You tell me!’ said Zack’s bum, leaping back onto his shoulder. ‘I’m just the delivery boy. Let’s get out of here!’
‘Good idea,’ said Zack, seizing the Mutant Maggot Lord’s other arm—more gently this time. He pulled him free of the web and began climbing as quickly as he could back towards Robobum.
He could see, with a mixture of surprise and relief, that Eleanor and Ned were outside the ship busy finishing the job of cutting Robobum’s legs free of the web.
‘Hurry, Zack!’ said his bum. ‘It’s woken up!’
Zack, heart pounding, glanced behind him.
The bumantula, apparently recovered from its gassing and far more agile on the web, was bearing down on them. Fast.
It wasn’t helping that Zack was burdened with the combined weight of his bum and the Mutant Maggot Lord.
Zack looked up and saw the bumantula’s fangs, like twin black tusks of death, bared and dripping with venom.
And then Zack did a strange thing.
He stopped, took what remained of his bum-fighter’s certificate out of his utility belt and began folding it.
‘Are you out of your tiny bum-fighting mind, Zack?’ yelled his bum. ‘Now is definitely not the time for origami.’
‘It’s not origami,’ said Zack, smoothing it out and holding it up for his bum to see. ‘It’s a paper plane. See?’
‘Great, Zack,’ said his bum, in disbelief. ‘Well, it was nice knowing you. Right up to the point where you got methane madness.’
‘I don’t have methane madness,’ said Zack. ‘Watch!’
Zack launched the paper plane. It flew, straight and true, right into one of the bumantula’s eight brown eyes.
Once more it contracted in pain, giving Zack the crucial break he needed to reach the edge of the canyon, disentangle himself from the web and run towards Robobum.
Eleanor and Ned were just finishing cutting through the remaining strands of the web as Zack rushed up.
‘Hey, that was my job,’ said Zack, panting.
‘You’re telling me!’ said Eleanor. ‘What were you thinking? You had one simple task and you decide to go bumantula hunting instead! What’s the matter with you? And what’s that?’ Eleanor was pointing with one hand at the pile of putrid flesh cradled in Zack’s arms, and blocking her nose with the other.
‘An old friend,’ said Zack.
CHAPTER 52
TRAPPED!
‘Clear!’ said Ned, cutting through the last strand of web. ‘Everybody back inside!’
As they assembled underneath Robobum the bumantula was just reaching the edge of the canyon.
On the web it had moved fast, but on the ground it moved even faster.
‘Teleport us up, Robobum!’ said Ned, staring at the rapidly advancing bumantula. ‘On the double!’
Zack felt Eleanor’s hand clutch his arm tightly as the bumantula leapt at the huddled bum-fighters.
They dematerialised just in time.
Back inside Robobum, Ned wasted no time. ‘Lift-off!’ he commanded.
Robobum, anticipating Ned’s command, was already rising into the air.
‘You can let go,’ said Zack to Eleanor, who was still holding his arm. ‘We’re safe now.’
‘Oh, yes, of course,’ said Eleanor, quickly releasing her grip. ‘Sorry . . .’ she said.
‘It’s okay,’ said Zack.
‘No, it’s not okay,’ said Eleanor, getting to her feet. ‘None of this is okay.’
Suddenly Robobum listed steeply to one side.
Eleanor and Ned staggered backwards.
Zack looked at the screen. But it was dark. ‘What’s happening?’ said Zack.
‘Bumantula clinging to Robobum’s exterior,’ announced Robobum.
‘Full thrust!’ commanded Ned.
Robobum applied full thrust.
Despite the bumantula’s deadly embrace, Robobum continued to rise into the sky, although more slowly and unsteadily than before.
‘Can’t you get rid of it?’ said Eleanor.
‘I am doing my best,’ said Robobum. ‘But this contingency was not programmed into my system.’
‘I would have thought that was true for pretty much everything on this whole mission!’ said Eleanor.
‘You’re right,’ said Ned, ‘but our best bet is to keep rising. When we get to a high enough altitude, the bumantu
la will simply freeze to death.’
‘If we don’t get crushed to death on the way,’ said Zack’s bum.
Ned shrugged. ‘Don’t worry. Robobum’s outer shell is made of double-strength steel. She survived a twin tyrannosore-arse attack. I don’t think a bumantula—even one this big—is going to pose too much of a threat.’
‘Oh yeah?’ said Eleanor, ‘then how do you explain that?’
There was a loud groaning noise. The walls of the control room were starting to warp and buckle.
‘Bumantula crushing Robobum,’ announced Robobum matter-of-factly. ‘Robobum losing altitude.’
Zack could feel his stomach somewhere up around his throat.
Eleanor was right.
Things were not okay.
In fact, things could hardly get much worse.
They were dropping.
Fast.
And the walls were closing in.
CHAPTER 53
CRUSH!
Robobum hit the ground with a sickening crunch.
Zack was thrown to the floor.
He looked up at the ceiling.
There were two large bulges. And they were getting bigger.
Zack screamed.
It could only mean one thing.
Or, rather, two things.
The bumantula’s fangs!
Zack’s mouth went dry.
If those fangs broke through, the amount of venom that would be released into the cabin would be nothing less than torrential.
And if they weren’t drowned in the bumantula’s venom they could look forward to being crushed to death by its powerful legs.
And if they were really lucky, Zack figured, maybe both would happen at the same time.
At least they wouldn’t suffer much, he thought. But that was a small consolation. The hardest part was waiting.
‘Warning! Warning!’ announced Robobum. ‘Bumantula biting and crushing Robobum. Repeat. Bumantula biting and crushing Robobum!’
‘Yeah, I think we get the picture, thanks,’ said Ned gloomily as his greatest creation crumbled around him.
‘Warning! Warning!’ said Robobum.
‘We know!’ said Ned.
‘No,’ said Robobum. ‘A new warning. Great White Bum approaching!’
Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict Page 9
