Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict

by Andy Griffiths

  ‘But how do we seize a puddle?’ said the Prince.

  ‘Mop it up!’ said the Great White Bum, exasperated. ‘Use the robot’s dress!’

  ‘No!’ whimpered Robobum, who was lying on the ground. ‘Not my dress!’

  But the Prince and Maurice were unmoved by Robobum’s pleas. They tore at her dress and began using large handfuls of it to soak up the puddle.

  ‘You’re making a big mistake!’ said what was left of the Mutant Spew Lord.

  ‘I don’t make mistakes,’ said the Great White Bum.

  ‘Yes, you do,’ said the Mutant Spew Lord puddle. ‘You fell in love with a robot, you big fat fool.’

  The Great White Bum roared with fury. He grabbed the soggy pieces of wedding dress containing the Mutant Spew Lord puddle from the startled Prince and Maurice and threw them into the fiery crevice himself.

  A huge balloon of flame and steam erupted from the Crack.

  And then silence.

  CHAPTER 77

  SQUASH!

  The bum-fighters stared dumbly at each other.

  Nobody spoke.

  They didn’t have to.

  They all knew what was coming next.

  ‘Prepare to be squashed,’ said the Great White Bum, surprising no-one. ‘Very slowly.’

  ‘You’ll never get away with this!’ said Zack.

  ‘Oh really?’ said the Great White Bum. ‘And how do you propose to stop me? You are surrounded by thousands of Great White Bums—obedient to my every command—your devious time-travelling bum-mobile is broken and you are covered in a substance that even I must admit is rather unpleasant, and that’s saying something.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Zack, who knew the Great White Bum had a point, ‘but we’ll think of something.’

  ‘Well, you’d better think fast,’ said the Great White Bum as he began lowering himself.

  Zack and Eleanor looked at each other.

  Zack’s bum and Eleanor’s bum looked at each other.

  Zack and Eleanor looked at their bums.

  Their bums looked at Zack and Eleanor.

  There was nowhere to run.

  Nowhere to hide.

  Nothing to say.

  This was it.

  They had lost.

  All the pain.

  All the suffering.

  All the bravery.

  All the stench.

  All for nothing.

  The whole glorious history of bum-fighting had come to a dead end.

  Humanity was doomed.

  The future belonged to the bums.

  Eleanor picked up her bum and kissed it goodbye.

  Zack hugged his bum tight, closed his eyes and prepared to be squashed.

  Slowly.

  CHAPTER 78

  LOVE

  ‘No!’ cried a metallic voice.

  Zack opened his eyes.

  It was Robobum.

  Somehow she had pulled her battered shell and body parts together for one last stand. ‘Don’t do it,’ she said. ‘They’re not worth it!’

  ‘Thanks a lot!’ said Zack.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Robobum. ‘But I must follow my heart!’

  ‘But you’re a robot,’ said the Great White Bum.

  ‘Robots have feelings too,’ said Robobum. ‘And my feelings are clear. I love you!’

  The Great White Bum flushed pink as it absorbed what Robobum had said.

  Then it flushed red.

  Then it flushed a deep shade of crimson.

  Its knees buckled.

  Its flesh quivered.

  ‘Are you all right, Your Whiteness?’ asked the Prince.

  ‘No,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘I am not all right. In my life I have experienced much—I have been kicked, smacked, pinched, forked, flicked, shot at, burnt, feared, loathed and universally hated—but I have never experienced this. I have never experienced love.’

  Robobum held out her arms.

  Zack watched the Great White Bum visibly soften as millions of years of toughness and stinkiness and hatred melted away. He took a few faltering steps towards Robobum, but old habits clearly died hard. ‘I am coming,’ he said to Robobum, ‘but first let me sit on them! Make them pay for how I’ve suffered.’

  ‘No,’ said Robobum. ‘Just hold me.’

  ‘First I’ll squash them, and then I’ll hold you,’ said the Great White Bum.

  ‘No,’ said Robobum. ‘I’ve got a better idea. How about first you hold me and then we’ll squash them together!’

  ‘You traitor!’ said Eleanor. ‘I’m glad Ned Smelly’s not alive to see this.’

  ‘Great bums think alike!’ exclaimed the Great White Bum, stepping into Robobum’s embrace. ‘I can see we’re going to have a long and happy life together!’

  ‘Happy?’ said Robobum. ‘What is “happy”?’

  ‘This, you big dummy!’ said the Great White Bum, reaching out to Robobum.

  ‘Oh, darling,’ said Robobum as the two gigantic bums embraced over the top of the disbelieving—and completely grossed-out—bum-fighters.

  ‘Yuck!’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘Now I’ve seen everything,’ said Eleanor.

  But Eleanor had spoken too soon.

  Suddenly there was a loud crackling and hissing, and black smoke began to pour from Robobum’s crumpled shell.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ said the Great White Bum. ‘What’s happening to you?’

  ‘Circuit overload . . .’ spluttered Robobum. ‘My system was not designed for “happy” . . .’

  ‘NO!’ cried the Great White Bum. ‘I lost you once! I couldn’t stand to lose you again!’

  But there was no response from Robobum.

  She was completely fused, her arms still locked around the Great White Bum.

  CHAPTER 79

  BOOM!

  As the Great White Bum struggled to escape Robobum’s embrace, there was a new commotion amongst the Great White Bums.

  They were all pointing to the enormous blazing ball of doom hurtling towards them.

  ‘Master!’ cried the Prince. ‘We must leave! The arseteroid is about to strike! We cannot delay any longer!’

  ‘I can’t move!’ said the Great White Bum. ‘Robobum has me locked in an unbreakable hug!’

  ‘It’s too late for you, now!’ said Zack, with renewed hope. ‘Too late for you and your demented dream of world bumination!’

  But the Great White Bum’s only response was to laugh. ‘You stupid little boy,’ he chuckled. ‘You don’t get it, do you?’

  ‘I get it all right,’ said Zack. ‘You—the most evil bum in history—are about to be destroyed . . . once and for all.’

  ‘That’s where you’re wrong,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘I may be destroyed, but I won’t be destroyed.’

  ‘Huh?’ said Zack.

  ‘Let me put it another way,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘You can destroy me, but you can’t destroy me.’

  ‘Ignore him, Zack,’ said Eleanor. ‘He’s got methane madness.’

  ‘You wish,’ said the Great White Bum, ‘but I can assure you that I’m perfectly sane—although I think it’s only fair to warn you, I’m going to be a little angry when I return from Uranus and find out what’s happened.’

  ‘You’re not on Uranus,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘Oh yes I am,’ said the Great White Bum.

  ‘You’re on Earth!’ said Zack.

  ‘That is true,’ said the Great White Bum, ‘but I’m also on Uranus. Remember?’

  ‘Oh no . . .’ said Zack, as the awful truth began to dawn on him. The reason the Great White Bum hadn’t been killed in the original arseteroid collision was because he had been on Uranus at the time. He had only returned to Earth after the arseteroid had hit. But the arseteroid hadn’t hit yet. And so the younger version of the Great White Bum that Zack had disturbed and chased 585 million years ago was still on Uranus. The Great White Bum was right. They could destroy him now, but it wouldn’t mean they had destroyed
him forever. The younger Great White Bum would return from Uranus. Bumageddon would still happen—and have to be stopped all over again.

  Eleanor groaned. Zack turned to look at her. She had her head in her hands. It was obvious she’d realised the same thing.

  ‘We’ve failed,’ said Eleanor. ‘Despite everything we’ve done, we haven’t really changed anything.’

  ‘No,’ said Zack sadly. ‘There are two Great White Bums. And we can only destroy one.’

  ‘I guess I should be thanking you,’ roared the Great White Bum triumphantly. ‘After all, with enemies like you, who needs friends?’

  ‘You do!’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘Forget it,’ said Zack. ‘It’s over.’

  ‘It’s over all right,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘Over for the Great White Bum. Me and Robobum already took care of it.’

  ‘Took care of what?’ said Zack.

  ‘The Great White Bum on Uranus,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘While you and Eleanor were rescuing Eleanor’s bum, and before the Mutant Spew Lord went crazy, Robobum and I were discussing the problem . . .’

  ‘You knew about the other Great White Bum?’ said Zack. ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’

  ‘You were busy,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘And it was very complicated. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we thought it best if I aimed Robobum’s interplanetary death ray at Uranus and gave it a quick zap. Just to be on the safe side. If Robobum’s calculations are correct the death ray should be arriving on Uranus right about now, eradicating any form of life—including Great White Bums—on the planet.’

  The Great White Bum gave a long loud moan of pain.

  Zack and Eleanor stared dumbfounded at Zack’s bum.

  ‘I didn’t know Robobum had an interplanetary death ray,’ said Zack.

  ‘There’s a lot you don’t know,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘But it doesn’t matter. You’ve got me.’

  ‘I may not know much,’ said Zack, shaking his head in wonder at his resourceful bum, ‘but I do know one thing. You’re the best bum a boy could ever wish for.’

  Zack’s bum reddened at the compliment.

  Eleanor’s bum looked on admiringly.

  ‘Well done, soldier,’ said Eleanor quietly. ‘Well done.’

  The Great White Bum moaned again—longer and even more loudly than before. The game was up. And he knew it.

  ‘Eat arseteroid, you freak!’ shouted Eleanor.

  ‘You’ll be eating it with me!’ said the Great White Bum. ‘At least I have that small consolation. You can no more escape than I can!’

  ‘It doesn’t matter to us,’ said Zack, now finally understanding what his gran had meant back in the stinkant cave. ‘Where would we escape to anyway? This is where we need to be. Right here. Right now. This is what our whole lives have been leading up to. Because of us the human race will be free to evolve without you constantly inciting our bums to rebellion. Because of us bums will be free to work with their bodies instead of against them. There’ll be no need for them to grow independent arms and legs and run around pursuing their own selfish interests . . .’

  ‘I don’t know if I like the sound of that,’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘It doesn’t matter what you like or dislike,’ said Zack. ‘That’s the whole point! Human beings will be completely integrated. No part will be more important than any other. All parts will work together in perfect harmony.’

  ‘I definitely don’t like it,’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘Me neither,’ said Eleanor’s bum.

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ said Eleanor, shielding her eyes against the heat and brightness of the arseteroid, which was now only minutes away from impact. ‘You won’t be around not to like it anyway. None of us will!’

  ‘So long,’ said Eleanor’s bum. ‘It was good knowing you.’

  ‘You too,’ said Eleanor, hugging her bum tight. ‘And you, Zack,’ she added, touching his arm. ‘And your stupid bum. I’m going to miss you both.’

  ‘I’ll miss you both, too,’ said Zack’s bum, his voice cracking with emotion.

  ‘Goodbye, Eleanor,’ said Zack. ‘And thanks. Thanks for everything.’

  ‘And?’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘And what?’ said Zack.

  ‘Is there somebody else you want to thank?’ said his bum.

  ‘Ummm,’ said Zack, ‘. . . oh yes! Of course.’ He turned to Eleanor’s bum. ‘Thank you!’

  ‘Don’t mention it,’ said Eleanor’s bum.

  ‘I hate you, Zack,’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘Oh well,’ said Zack, reaching out and embracing his bum. ‘Can’t win them all, I guess.’

  His bum softened instantly and hugged him back.

  The heat and light from the arseteroid were intense.

  Suddenly Zack and his bum were drenched by an evil-smelling liquid.

  ‘Errggghh, gross!’ said Zack, wiping his face with his sleeve. ‘What’s that?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said his bum, looking up, ‘but I think it’s a tear. The Great White Bum is crying!’

  Zack, Eleanor and Eleanor’s bum looked up as well to see the Great White Bum as they’d never seen him before.

  Not ‘great’ at all.

  Instead they saw a sad, defeated bum standing at a crooked angle with sagging cheeks. Locked in the deadly embrace of a broken robot. Weeping.

  ‘All I have worked for,’ he sobbed. ‘All I have lived for. All I have dreamed of. All for nothing. I’ve lost everything, including the only bum that I’ve ever loved. All gone. All past. All finished.’

  ‘See you in Bumhalla!’ shouted Zack as the fatal arseteroid completed the last few metres of its history-making voyage and slammed into the Earth.

  CHAPTER 80

  BUMHALLA?

  Zack blinked.

  And blinked again.

  But he couldn’t see anything.

  He wondered if he was dead.

  Then he heard a screech.

  Oh no, he thought.

  It’s not over.

  What was it now?

  A deadly tyrannosore-arse on the prowl?

  A tricerabutt getting ready to charge?

  A pouncing poopasaur?

  A bumodactyl swooping in to carry him away to its nest in the mountains?

  But more important than ‘what’ was ‘why’.

  Why was he hearing anything at all?

  He was supposed to be dead.

  He’d just been hit by an arseteroid the size of a major city with three thousand trillion megatons of destructive force. Enough force to completely wipe out 95 per cent of life and utterly change the course of history on Earth forever. Zack was a tough bumfighter—that was for sure—but no bum-fighter was tough enough to survive an impact like that.

  So, he figured, he must be dead.

  And if he was dead, was he in Bumhalla?

  Zack heard the tyrannosore-arse screech again and frowned.

  If this was Bumhalla, then what was a tyrannosore-arse doing here?

  He blinked again and, discovering with relief that he was now able to see, looked around him.

  It sure didn’t look like Bumhalla.

  Bumhalla was supposed to be a glorious place where great bum-fighting warriors gathered to celebrate their heroic bum-fighting days.

  But what Zack saw was just a cobweb-covered corrugated-iron roof only a few metres away from his face.

  It wasn’t exactly what he’d expected Bumhalla to look like.

  Somehow he’d expected the decor to be a little more upmarket.

  A little more befitting honoured bum-fighters.

  Pressed gold ceilings, for instance.

  Not cobwebs.

  A large black spider crawled lazily across the roof towards a small fly struggling on its web.

  Zack shivered as he watched the fly. He knew all too well how that felt. He reached up and pulled the fly free of the web.

  Sitting up, he realised he was a long way off the ground.

  He was sitting
on top of an enormous stack of hay bales.

  There was a gap, and on the other side of the gap there was another large stack of hay bales.

  Smoke was wafting into the building from somewhere outside.

  Old rusty bits of machinery and contraptions were hanging from the walls.

  He heard the screech again.

  But now it sounded less like a tyrannosore-arse and much more like a rooster.

  Zack blinked again.

  Nope.

  He wasn’t in Bumhalla.

  He was sure of that much.

  And he wasn’t on prehistoric Earth.

  As far as he could tell, the only immediate danger he faced was falling off the hay bale and being attacked by a rooster.

  But what about Eleanor?

  Where was she?

  CHAPTER 81

  BARNHALLA

  ‘Eleanor?’ called Zack.

  There was no response.

  ‘Eleanor?’ he called even louder.

  ‘Zack?’ said a voice from the top of the other hay bale stack. ‘Where are we? Are we dead?’

  ‘I’m not too sure,’ said Zack. ‘But I don’t think so. We seem to be in a barn.’

  Zack watched as Eleanor sat up and rubbed her eyes.

  She coughed.

  ‘How did we get here?’ she said, peering over the edge of the stack and towards the open door, where there seemed to be some sort of bonfire burning. ‘And where are our bums?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Zack. ‘Apparently this is what happens when you’re hit by a gigantic arseteroid from outer space. You wake up in a barn with no bum.’

  ‘I would have preferred Bumhalla,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘Me too,’ said Zack. ‘But who’s complaining? At least we’re alive.’

  ‘Or we’re dreaming,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘Even if we’re dreaming, we’re still alive!’ said Zack.

  ‘Not necessarily,’ said Eleanor. ‘We could be dead and just dreaming that we’re dreaming that we’re still alive.’

  ‘But that’s stupid,’ said Zack, raising his voice. ‘If we were dead, how could we . . .’

  ‘You’ll be dead if you don’t get out of my barn right now!’ yelled a figure standing in the doorway. ‘How many times do I have to tell you kids that it’s not safe to play up there? Your mothers will kill me if they find out!’