by Nona j. Moss
December 22
Mom showed up around three o’clock this morning. I was sleeping of course, but I woke up when I heard the car pull into the driveway. I looked out the window and saw some guy I have never seen helping my mom to the door. She was weaving really badly, and the guy was practically holding her up. As soon as they got to the door, I hid in my closet. I was determined she wouldn’t find me, if she even bothered to look. I was hoping if she saw my empty bed, she would just assume I was gone. There was no doubt she was drunk, though, from the way she was walking. I wouldn’t fight with her.
I was only huddled in the closet for a few minutes when she came into my room. It was pitch dark in there, and I was hiding behind my long dresses and a ton of shoes. I was sure she wouldn’t be able to see me. Not that she had a reason to be searching my closet anyway.
She came in, making a lot of noise. She was saying something, but her speech was so slurred, I couldn’t understand any of it.
“There’s no one in here,” her companion said. Great. Another overly intelligent one.
Mom said something else impossible to make out. She started calling my name, like I was a dog or something. She made some noise, and shuffled around a little bit. I was trying to remember where I put my journal, because I am sure if she found it, she would read it.
I thought my heart would stop beating when she opened the closet door. She poked her head in, but thankfully she didn’t move anything. Finally she closed the door. I heard her mumble something like, “Guess she didn’t move out,” and then they left my room.
I stayed in the closet until I was sure she wasn’t coming back. I locked my door and crawled back into bed. I couldn’t sleep, though, because I was afraid she would come back in. I was hoping that if she was as drunk as she sounded, she passed out the second she sat down.
I heard the guy she was with leave around five. I waited until six to get out of bed. I tiptoed to the kitchen, not wanting to wake up my mom, and put on a pot of coffee. As soon as I knew Mandi would be up, I called and asked her to pick me up. Even though it was eight o’clock in the morning, she didn’t ask questions.
December 24
I woke up this morning and celebrated Christmas with my dad’s family like it was the happiest day of my life. In all reality, I was miserable. I did not sleep well last night, and everything makes me feel like crying. Even watching Mandi beam every time the twins opened a present made me want to cry.
Dad and Mandi gave me a iPhone 6 for Christmas. That was a huge surprise, and I was very excited. I think everyone I know wanted one of those for Christmas. Mandi told me when we were alone later that she wanted me to be able to call from anywhere if I needed to. How much does she know?
Cody picked me up in the afternoon and took me to his house. Trish greeted us at the door and wrapped me in a hug.
“Merry Christmas, Nikki, I’m so glad you could come!”
“Thank you for inviting me.” Her affection touched me so much, I almost started crying.
My mouth fell open when I noticed the man standing beside Cody. I knew he was Cody’s dad, because of the pictures of him around the house. He was smiling at me, and I could see why Mandi used to have a crush on him. He was a very good-looking man. Cody really did look just like him. He came over to me and stuck out his hand.
“Hello, Nikki. I’m Mark, Cody’s dad. I’ve heard a lot about you. It’s good to finally meet you.”
I forced my mouth closed and shook his hand. After a few minutes, Cody took my arm and led me to the living room. As we put the presents I had brought under the tree, he told me about his dad. He sounded like an excited little boy.
“You’ll never believe it!” he said. His eyes were shining. “Mom and I got up this morning, and he was in the kitchen fixing breakfast. I thought Mom was going to have a heart attack, she was screaming and jumping up and down.”
“Of course he doesn’t tell you how he reacted,” Trish said from behind me. “He did his fair share of screaming and jumping, too.”
“You would have thought Santa was in the kitchen cooking breakfast this morning,” Mark added.
“No, it was much better than Santa,” Trish answered. She stood on her toes and kissed his cheek.
The affection between them was like an electrical current. Mark lifted her off of her feet and swung her around in a circle. I couldn’t help laughing with Cody as Trish squealed with delight. I have never seen such love as when Cody’s parents looked at each other. What a shame they live so far apart most of the time.
We shared a wonderful dinner, with all of the best Christmas foods. I wonder how Trish found time to cook so much, and still spend time with her husband. I wish I had been there much earlier to help her out.
After dinner we gathered around the huge Christmas tree to open presents. I could not believe how many were under there for me. How thoughtful of Trish to buy me so many things and include me in their family time. She really seemed to like the charm bracelet I bought her. I was afraid she might think it was dumb. I found it at the mall; it is silver, and the charms all have something to do with shopping, like a shopping cart, a cash register, that sort of thing. She put it on her wrist and didn’t take it off again while I was there. A couple of times I actually saw her looking at it, and smiling. Good job, Nikki.
I bought Cody a silver key chain that looks just like his car, which is a Mitsubishi 3000 GT. I had Forever Love Cody engraved on the back. He loved it so much or he’s a really good actor! I have never seen him smile so big.
Cody got me a necklace. Actually it is two necklaces; he gets to keep half of it himself. He was wearing his half under his shirt the whole time I was there, and I never knew it! Anyway, when you put them together they make a heart, and there is a poem you can only read when the two pieces are stuck together. It says:
The Lord watch
Between me and thee
When we are absent
One from another
My half has Cody engraved on the back, and his half says Nikki. What a special gift, it brought tears to my eyes. I could tell his mom and dad were impressed, too.
After all of that, we went to the candle light service at church with them. It was the most beautiful church service I have been to. The whole place was dark except for the candles in the windows. Pastor Jim talked about the birth of Jesus and what it meant for all of us. We took communion, and then everyone lit the candles we were handed on the way in the church. While we held the candles, we sang a few Christmas carols, like “Silent Night,” and “Away in a Manger.”
It was all so beautiful, I couldn’t help crying. When I looked over, I saw Trish was crying as well. She reached behind Cody and grabbed my hand. I felt so peaceful there tonight. I don’t know why, but for the first time in as long as I can remember I felt perfectly happy and content. I wanted the service to last forever, but of course, it couldn’t. All good things must come to an end right? I hope I will find that feeling again. I hope it wasn’t just the mood and the atmosphere around me.
By the time Cody took me home, it was almost one o’clock on Christmas morning. “Merry Christmas, Nikki, I hope it’s been wonderful for you,” Cody whispered at the door.
“I’ve never had such a wonderful Christmas,” I answered honestly. “I’m grateful to your family for having me, especially since your dad was able to make it and everything.”
“Me too. I love you, Nikki, and I could stand here all night just looking into your beautiful eyes. It’s late, though, and it is freezing, so I better go for now.” He bent and kissed me lightly on the lips.
I watched him drive away before I opened the door. Suddenly that peaceful feeling was gone. Just like that, like it was never there to begin with. I wanted to run down the street, and catch up to Cody. I just knew if I could catch him, that feeling would return. Instead I took a deep breath and opened the front door.
My mom was sitting in the middle of the living room floor with boxes and Christmas tree branches all
around her. She was sitting Indian style, with her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. She was crying.
My first instinct was to panic. I assumed someone had to be hurt or dead. Why else would she be making so much noise in the middle of the living room?
“What’s wrong?” I knelt down beside her.
When she finally lifted her head, the first thing I noticed was the smell of alcohol. Her eyes were red and puffy, and her nose was runny. Lipstick was smeared around her mouth. For a second I thought she might have been in a fight.
“We don’t have a tree,” she sobbed.
“What?” I was confused. I mean the tree was all around her. It certainly wasn’t something to cry about.
“It’s almost Christmas, and we don’t even have the tree up.” She was crying so hard, I could barely understand her. I just stood there staring at her, convinced she finally made it over the deep end. It was obvious she had been trying to assemble our artificial tree by the mess in the middle of the living room. I couldn’t help wondering how long she had been sitting in the middle of the floor like that. Obviously long enough that she didn’t realize it was already Christmas. “Please, Nikki, will you help me with this?” Man, she was wasted. “I can’t do it by myself, and we have to get it up quickly.”
I wanted to tell her no. For one thing, she was pretty drunk, but I didn’t feel like pretending to enjoy myself with her either. It was already Christmas morning, kind of late to be putting up the tree. I only wanted to go to my room, and fall asleep remembering every wonderful moment of my Christmas Eve.
“Nikki, please,” she cried.
I couldn’t leave her there, no matter how badly I wanted to. I just couldn’t walk away while she sat there crying. I didn’t say anything to her; I just started separating the tree branches by color. Pretty soon she caught on and started helping me.
We worked side by side in silence, and finally we had it finished. Together we stood back and admired our work. Mom slipped her arm around my waist, and when I looked at her she was smiling. When was the last time I saw my mother smile? It was the Saturday before my birthday. The day she went to the concert with Brad.
Now we stood there together, at four o’clock on Christmas morning, beaming at our tree. If it wouldn’t have been four o’clock on Christmas morning, it might have been normal.
When I finally went to bed, I was too sad to sleep. Instead I sit here with my beloved journal. I can’t help wondering why we can’t be happy, my mom and me? Why can’t we have a normal relationship? Why can’t I be the most important person in her life? Why doesn’t she truly love me? Or if she does, why can’t she show it?
I can hear her in the other room; she’s humming, and bustling around. I imagine she’s bringing out whatever presents she managed to pick up at the last minute. I’ll get up in a little while and open them, pretending to be an excited little kid. Because that is what she will be expecting. And she will pretend the whole tree thing never happened. Maybe she will honestly forget it happened. I won’t. I’ll remember this night forever.
December 25
Mom woke me up at eight o’clock this morning. So I guess I got about two and a half hours of sleep. If I hadn’t been so tired, I probably would have strangled her. She was so happy and excited.
“Get up, Nikki, it’s Christmas,” she laughed. “You must have been a good girl this year, because that doesn’t look like coal under the tree.”
I forced myself not to groan or roll my eyes as I crawled out of bed. And once I was on my feet, I forced myself not to wrap my hands around her throat. I told myself the least I could do was make it a nice Christmas. She was obviously trying to do the same. So I plastered a stupid smile on my face and followed her into the living room.
I couldn’t believe there were actually about ten presents under the tree, not counting the two I had for her. Most years our little tree looked like something out of a Charlie Brown cartoon, since there were only two of us.
“See? I told you someone was a good girl this year.” I could tell she was proud of herself.
I sat on the floor by the tree where I knew she wanted me and waited for her to get the camera. After she had a couple of pictures, she handed me gifts one at a time. I opened them, making sure to show the expected amount of excitement over each one. I actually was surprised, really. There was a gold watch and some jeans. She even got me this pair of boots I had been wanting. When I showed them to her in the store, she acted like she hated them.
Finally I took the camera and handed her the gifts from me. She opened the big one first, which was an espresso machine. She squealed with delight. My mother loves cappuccinos and lattes, so I knew she would like that gift. She was ready to run off to the kitchen and get started right then.
I pointed at the other gift beside her. It was very small. I held my breath as she started to open it. I was shaking as I held the camera. It was important to me that she liked this one.
“Oh my gosh,” she whispered as she opened the box. “Oh, Nikki, it’s beautiful.”
She looked up, and I snapped the picture. She was smiling, but there were tears on her cheeks. I knew she liked it, and I released my breath. I watched her take the ring out of the box and put it on her finger. It is a 14 karat gold ring, with letters that spell out mom. The O is shaped like a heart, and in the middle of it is a pink stone. The stone is pink zirconium, and it is my birthstone.
Mom got off the couch, and wrapped her arms around me. “Thank you, Nikki, it is the most wonderful gift anyone has ever given me.”
I hugged her back, truly believing she meant it.
We went to the kitchen to make breakfast and try out her new coffee machine.
I have wanted to buy a mothers ring for her for a long time. One year I actually asked my dad to buy her one. He said it wouldn’t be appropriate for him to spend that kind of money on his ex-wife. When I turned thirteen, Mom started giving me spending money out of her monthly child support checks. I saved hard for that ring. I am so happy she likes it. Several times today I actually caught her admiring it.
And to think I almost didn’t buy it for her this year.
The icing on this Christmas, though: my mother didn’t touch any alcohol at all!
Merry Christmas!
January 1
Happy New Year!
It is exactly 1:07 in the morning on January 1.
I brought the New Year in with the sweetest kiss of my whole life. Cody and I sat at his house and watched the ball drop in New York City.
I don’t know where my mom is tonight; she didn’t tell me where she was going. She has been pretty happy since Christmas, though. I hope it lasts at least a little longer.
I hope she is safe, wherever she is tonight.
January 2
Mom still hasn’t come home, and I am starting to get worried. I don’t know why she can’t at least call when she’s on a binge. I should have bought her a cell phone for Christmas.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know who she went out with. Maybe I should call Lisa? I wish I could call Mandi; I am sure she would know what to do. The only problem with that is she would be furious with my mom for leaving me alone for days at a time. She would probably come over, which would be bad if Mom showed up.
I am so sick of this. Why does she do this to me? Doesn’t she know I worry when she disappears? Doesn’t she know I am awake all night, pacing the floor? Can’t she see what she is doing to me? She is tearing me up, wearing me out.
I am going to find the card that policeman gave me, and if she’s not home by tomorrow, I will call him.
January 3
It’s Monday, and I was supposed to go back to school today. I was so tired this morning, I could hardly move. I’ve only had about three hours sleep in the last few days. I can’t go on like this.
Mom showed up at nine o’clock tonight. I was actually standing by the phone, with that card in my hand when she walked in. She staggered through the door, a t
otal mess. Her hair was greasy and uncombed. Her makeup was smudged under her eyes. Her clothes were wrinkled and dirty, and she smelled horrible. A combination of sweat, beer, and cigarette smoke.
I was rushing to the front door until her appearance stopped me dead in my tracks. I had been so happy to see her, I was about to throw my arms around her.
“Where have you been?” I demanded.
She looked at me blankly for a second, then her face clouded over. “Excuse me?”
“I asked where you were. I have been worried sick,” I answered. My eyes filled with tears, and I bit my lip to keep them back.
“Don’t go soft on me now, Nichole,” she sneered. “Don’t pretend to suddenly give a damn.”
My mouth dropped open. How dare she be that way!
She stumbled to the couch and dropped down. I watched her bury her face in her hands and cry. I knelt down in front of her, and put my hand on her knee.
“What’s wrong, Mom?”
She looked up and shoved my hand away. “What in the hell do you care?”
I got up and came to my room. Finally I fell on my bed and cried. Why is she like this? Why? Do I deserve this? Oh God, please help me. Please save me from her. I can’t do this anymore. Oh God, I am just so tired.
January 7
My mother needs help. If she doesn’t get help, she is going to die. She doesn’t eat, and she hasn’t been going to work. Maybe she lost her job. All she does is drink and sleep, and drink some more. She won’t talk to me. She won’t even look at me if she can help it.
What am I going to do? I am afraid every time I leave her she will be dead by the time I get home. The fear I feel when I open the door is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. It almost paralyzes me. My heart beats so hard it pounds in my ears, and my whole body breaks out in a sweat.
