by M. J. O'Shea
“Maybe I’ll send her over there. You two do have that empty bedroom.”
“You’re hilarious. Anyway, goodnight. I’ll probably see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, probably. Thanks for all your help yesterday. And tell Noah thanks too.”
“Of course we helped. What are friends for if not to smack some sense into their imprinted lycan buddies?”
PC chuckled quietly. Zack didn’t say anything for a few moments. I thought he’d left until he spoke again.
“Night, Miles.” He was quiet, but I heard a smile in his voice. I couldn’t even imagine what Zack thought of the whole situation. Part of me was embarrassed to be talking to someone while I was in bed wound around PC. My cheeks felt hot, but I figured it was stupid to pretend I was asleep.
“Night, Zack. I’ll see you in class on Wednesday.”
“Probably before that. You are kind of stuck to this one now.”
Yeah, but not for long….
WHEN I woke, the autumn sun was already high in the sky and right in my face. I groaned and tried to pull the sheet over my eyes, instinctively cuddling closer to the warm skin behind me.
“Sorry, babe. Forgot to close the curtains last night. Sun gets a little intense in the morning. If this wasn’t the biggest room, I would have switched to the other side of the hall a long time ago.”
“That’s okay,” I mumbled and pulled the sheet even higher over my head.
My stomach fluttered at his voice and the satiny texture of his skin, but I tried to ignore it. I was still a bit ambivalent about him calling me cute little names and holding me like there was nowhere he’d rather be. Sure, a huge part of me loved it… okay, most of me loved it. But there was that one stubborn streak that rebelled against the idea of him claiming me with endearments and touches when he was still insisting he didn’t want us to be together.
I ignored the irritated twinge and shimmied as close into his arms as I could get. May as well enjoy it while I still can. He made a satisfied grumbling noise that I felt against my back; then he roped his arm around my waist again and kissed my neck.
“It’s nice to wake up to you.”
Okay, damn it, that’s too much.
“PC, you can’t say that kind of stuff to me.” My voice was quiet but serious.
“What do you mean?” He sounded hurt. I was afraid to turn and look at him. I knew I’d cave if I saw his eyes.
“I mean, your mother is going to be here in what, an hour? And your plan is to tell her you don’t want this with me and to break apart whatever made us like this. It’s not fair to act like you like it when you don’t.”
He sighed and kissed the back of my neck again.
“Miles, I do like it. Way too much. Every single minute I spend with you, I find myself sinking in further, wanting to be with you always, needing to touch you constantly, getting to know you better and liking everything I’m finding out.”
I did turn around to face him after that earth-imploding little speech. I’m sure I looked bewildered and hurt and hopeful all at the same time. I tried to hide my emotions, but I didn’t have enough experience with guys to pull it off.
“Then why do you want the bond to be broken? Doesn’t this feel better than anything you’ve ever felt before?”
He closed his eyes and butted his forehead against mine gently. “Yes. By far. Bu—wait, why did you say ‘you’? Don’t you still want the bond to be broken too?”
I ducked my head into his chest and shook it miserably. He lifted my chin until I was looking at him.
“What happened?”
“I don’t know. At first I was like you, thinking that this felt nice but it made our lives impossible. Then slowly I started to like being connected. I thought it was the bond taking over, but it’s more. Everything you said about getting to know me, liking me as a person—I’m feeling it too. I guess I just don’t have as much of a problem caring like that about someone. I don’t want to lose the feelings. Or you.”
“Shit.”
That one softly spoken word said it all. I tried to detangle myself, but he held fast to me, pulling me closer when I needed to be away.
“Babe―” I looked at him reproachfully. “I’m sorry, Miles. God, this sucks. My impulses are telling me the same thing yours are telling you, and my body has been in a constant state of bliss since Friday night.” He trailed his fingers up my arm, the soft smile on his face showing just how much he loved to touch me. “It has to stop, though, no matter how much I like you. I don’t know how else to say it. I mean, I’m a hunter. Do you remember what I do? I chase bad vampires and werewolves and troublemakers of all sorts. I’m in danger all the time.”
I didn’t know how to react to that statement so I asked a question I’d already guessed the answer to. “Is that what they were talking about when we walked in last night? When everybody got all quiet?”
“Yeah, probably. Listen, I’ve never planned on being with anyone―having someone who cared about me, someone to worry about… someone who was waiting for me to come home.”
“Too late for that, you big jerk.” I tried to smile. “Your friends already care about you. I’m sure they worry too.”
“They do, but it’s not the same. If something happened to me, they’d be sad, but their lives would go on. And that’s the way it should be. The way I feel about you right now, my life would be over if something happened to you. I can’t have anyone feeling like that about me.”
“Too late for that too.” I said it quietly. I meant it.
“See? That’s why my mother has to break this. I’m not saying I want you out of my life. I would miss you already. I just don’t think we should be so damn important to each other that nothing else matters.”
“But Zack and Noah aren’t bonded. They just love each other, and it’s like that for them. I can tell just by watching them together. What happens if you fall in love? Wouldn’t it be the same?”
He shook his head. “I’m never going to fall in love like that. It would be just as bad as this.”
The pain was quick and slicing. I realized how much I wanted him to fall for me. How easily I was falling for him. I wanted the love that Zack and Noah had, and I wanted it with PC. I hated that I would never have it.
I renewed my effort to detangle myself from PC’s arms. “Let’s get dressed. We better be ready for your mom when she gets here.”
He gave me a small sad look and tried one more time to hold on to me when I wiggled away from him.
“Miles, you know if I was going to be with anyone like that, it would be you. I just can’t. Not with anyone. Ever.”
Like a million other commitment-phobic guys hadn’t said those exact words to the person who was desperately hoping they would be the one who was different.
“Doesn’t change anything, PC. Let me go. I want to take a shower.”
The look on his face sucked, like I was the one rejecting him. I immediately felt awful. My chest tightened in an uncomfortable ache. Even when I hurt him, it hurt me as well. Talk about crap.
“There are towels in the hall closet. My shampoo and conditioner are in the red bottles. I’d stay away from the other stuff. Smells like chicks.” His voice was small and deflated. The ache in my chest didn’t get any better.
“PC, what do you expect me to do? I can’t be all snuggly with you and then hear you tell your mother to fix it so you don’t want me anymore. It hurts, all right? I’m trying to protect myself.”
“I know. I hate it, though. Even though I don’t want to want you, I do. A lot. Just go take a shower.”
Was he fighting tears? The idea of Mr. Tough “I can’t care about anyone” PC crying over me made me melt. I almost crawled back into bed with him. Almost. Be rational, Miles. Instead of getting back in bed where I wanted to be, I moped out into the cold hallway and got a towel out of the closet before closing myself in the white-and-black tiled bathroom.
The smell of his shampoo didn’t help me feel rational. Neither
did the coconut body wash I spent a few minutes inhaling.
What was going to happen to me? Every time I thought of walking away from him, it hurt. Like it had hurt those three awful days when I couldn’t even move. It was a little weird that I was okay being in the shower alone and not touching him. Maybe because I knew he was safe in the next room and he wasn’t going anywhere. It was only when I contemplated the idea of being away from him for good that my body started to react. Quickly and painfully. I couldn’t stand the idea of leaving him for good. I didn’t want our bond to be broken, the ties between us severed; but I also didn’t want to have him near me all the time, unable to leave, and to know that he didn’t want what we had.
The question was, which one did I not want the most?
I came back to the room to find PC sitting on the edge of his bed, fully dressed and looking disconsolately out the window. He seemed lost, like he’d been sitting there the whole time I was gone. I sank onto the bed next to him quietly and pulled his hand into my lap, twining our fingers together. As much as I felt the need to protect myself from getting hurt, I couldn’t resist the sad, lost look he had on his face. If it made him feel better to touch me, then I was willing to do it, no matter how much it hurt later. And it wasn’t just because of the bond. It was me wanting to make him happy just as much as our connection. He gave me a half smile and squeezed my fingers before going back to looking out the window.
“Does love hurt like this?” he asked me quietly after we’d been sitting there for a few minutes.
“I don’t know. Probably.”
“It sucks.”
“Doesn’t have to,” I reminded him. “It doesn’t hurt when we’re together.”
He sighed. “I know. It just won’t work.”
“What if your mom can’t fix it?”
He shook his head vehemently. “No. There has to be a way.”
Just then the distinct rattle of a key in the lock echoed through the silent apartment.
“Mom’s here. Let’s go get this over with.” He stood without letting go of my hand. I wondered if he planned on letting go of it in front of his mother. In a way, I hoped not. My body was starting to panic at the thought of being separated from him. I felt him trembling too. I guessed we still needed each other, even if it was just for a little while longer.
PC’s mother was lovely—youthful and distinctly European-looking. She came in and gave him a long hard hug before turning to look at me.
“Hello, darling,” she said before pulling me into a hug as well. I was a little surprised, but it felt good. Weirdly enough, like family. I supposed it made sense.
“Miles, this is my mom, Sabina. Mom, this is Miles. He’s my―” PC looked understandably uncomfortable. I wouldn’t know what to call him either.
“I know. I could feel it already from the hallway. Any lycan within ten miles can probably feel it. There’s no need to check any further; your bond is real and very strong. Stronger than the few I’ve ever felt.”
“So we’ve really… imprinted.” He hesitated. “I’d always heard it was just a legend.”
“No, it happened in my town when I was a young girl. He was nobility; she was just a farm girl, human. It didn’t matter. The bond is rare and therefore respected and honored no matter what form it takes.”
That last sentence made my heart speed up. I saw PC’s eyes widen a little. The next question seemed to stick in his throat.
“How do we break it, Mom?”
“Break what, darling?”
“The bond, the imprinting, whatever you want to call it. We, well, I want to break it. We can’t live like this. It hurts even to be in different rooms. You know what my life’s like.”
She looked appalled. “Is that why you brought me here? To ruin something that perhaps happens once in a century?”
PC nodded. “Isn’t that why you came so quickly?”
“Oh, honey, I was only coming to confirm that it was real and not some sort of spell; and then to tell all of the elders that it had happened, of course. You can’t break an imprinting. It’s impossible.”
“There has to be a way.” PC’s voice was panicky.
“There isn’t. Besides, we would never choose to even if we could. It’s an honor to be one of the few chosen for the bond.”
“But I don’t want this!”
The look on PC’s face said it all. His eyes, his beautiful golden eyes, were wide with horror. He looked at me and I could see it. He felt… stuck. I couldn’t stand it, being the one he didn’t want.
So I took off.
I bolted through the door, ignoring PC shouting my name. It hurt too bad to be in that room and have him look at me like I was a cross to bear. I took the stairs two at a time, stupid embarrassing tears filling up my eyes and making it hard to see. I didn’t care. I had to keep going, sprinting farther away from PC with every step, despite the growing ache in my belly.
Damn, this hurts even more.
I nearly tripped on the landing, shoved my hand out to get a hold on the antique railing, and hoped it wouldn’t sway when I used it to take the corner at breakneck speed. The cramp in my stomach got worse but I tried to ignore it. That didn’t work so well. The pain was making itself known, pushing out toward my skin with the strength of a punching fist.
The front door of his building slammed against its casing as I burst through it and out into a cheerful fall day. The leaves were orange and yellow and crisp on the sidewalk; the sky was a brilliant burnished blue. I barely saw a thing. It’s hard to see when you’re crying like a big baby. I wiped at my face with violent swipes of my knuckles.
I tried to keep going but couldn’t. It felt like there was a cement wall holding me from going any farther. It had gotten stronger since the day before. Stupid bond! For the first time since I learned about it, I actually resented being connected so closely that I couldn’t run away. I wanted to escape from my humiliation. Doubling over, I stared at the sidewalk beneath my feet unseeing, the pain in my abdomen making it nearly impossible to breathe. Hard rough bricks and mortar scraped my back as I sank down to the ground and collapsed against the side of the building. I felt like screaming.
Seconds later, PC burst out of the door and looked right and left, scanning for me. His face was ashen, worried, and in pain. I didn’t want to deal with him but had already figured out that there was no escape. Those four flights of stairs had been enough distance to tear my insides to shreds.
When he finally saw me, he dropped to the ground next to me. I didn’t know if I was imagining things, but I could actually feel the emotions pouring off him—the ever-present attraction, confusion, pain, anger. Great. That’s the last thing I needed, him being angry on top of everything else. A few of the pedestrians gave us curious looks as they walked by, but I didn’t care. My life was such a mess.
“Why’d you run away like that? You know what it does to us!” It came out as a growl, irritated and impatient. I didn’t want to look at his face. I knew what I’d see. I jammed my fists into my eyes, trying to hide the tears that welled at the tone of his voice. It was too much to deal with.
“Why shouldn’t I get away from you? I saw the look in your eyes when your mom said our bond couldn’t be broken. Don’t tell me you weren’t horrified. You don’t want me. How is it fair that I can’t escape from that?”
He sighed and rubbed at his face. As hurt and angry as I was, my body leaned closer until our shoulders were touching. It pissed me off how much I wanted to touch him. I tried to jerk away, but he stopped me.
“Knock it off,” he muttered. “Nothing about this situation will get any better if we’re half a heartbeat away from emptying our stomachs.” His whisper felt like a soft tickle against my ear. I wanted to scream at the irony but felt helpless.
I stubbornly tried to pull away again, but he was strong. Even the halfhearted shove I gave him didn’t have much effect.
“I told you to stop. We’re a foregone conclusion now. Quit pushing me. Won
’t help anything.”
“Oh, but you can call me a foregone conclusion? How is that making anything better?”
I felt sullen and a bit irrational. I knew I didn’t like the implication that I was some kind of punishment for him. I tried to yank away from him one last time but was surprised when he grabbed my arm and pulled me up against his body. He growled again, a low menacing rumble, like he was warning me not to make him any madder than he already was.
“Nothing’s going to make any of this better. Don’t you get it? We can’t be broken―by anything. Ever. This is how it’s going to be from now on.” He gestured between us violently, his golden eyes wild. “My life is screwed! I’m stuck with this… this thing forever. The lycans will be all in my shit, I won’t be able to walk ten feet from you without feeling like I’m going to implode, my hunting days might as well be over. I hate it.”
“And you think I love it?” I sort of had—at least until this new PC emerged. “You think I like being looked at like I’m a set of steel shackles?” I sighed. “I’m really not liking you at all right now. What happened to Mr. Nice Guy from before—the one who was soooo sorry I was involved in all this?”
“He found out his life was ruined.” He sneered at me. All the warmth I’d seen in his face even an hour earlier was gone, replaced with anger and disdain.
“What, so all the cute kissy-face stuff about loving to touch me was just because you thought you’d be getting rid of me today and you might want to have some fun while the fun was available?”
PC winced. “No, Miles―I didn’t mean that. Oh shit. Can’t you see how much this sucks?” He looked at me imploringly for a moment, then made a huffing sound and rolled his eyes. “I guess it doesn’t suck for you. You’re getting your way.”
“You’re blaming me?”
“You said you wanted this—well, now you have it!”
“Well, damn. The lycans must be psychic then, because they knew that I wanted you and obviously that’s why they won’t break the bond, which, oh by the way, they couldn’t break anyway.” The sarcasm in my voice surprised even me. “Besides. You’ve just cured me of wanting anything to do with you. Why would I want to be with anyone who turns into a big asshole the second he’s not getting exactly what he wants?”
