“Clare says she’s happier since she’s been going to therapy with you. At first I didn’t believe her, because from the outside it looks to me as if her life is just as confused as it always was. But she says she feels better about herself and I guess that’s something you can’t always judge from the outside…I don’t know if I feel any better about myself since I started coming here, Irene, but I do know I’m more aware of my inner processes…”
“Well, that’s a good start,” Irene smiled. Pebble was learning. “Now where did we leave off?”
“We were talking about my marriage,” said Pebble and cleared her throat. “If you look at it, you’ll see that we always had a big communications problem. I mean, it was hard for me to communicate with him. Well that’s not completely true. In the beginning, when we both had the same youthful ideals, I could – or I thought I could. It was easy then and that’s why I think it had something to do with the times – because in the 80s, we were both a part of the youth movement here – there was so much going on that held us together. But after our children were born, I started to realize how immature he was. He just couldn’t seem to grow up. I don’t know if it was because he didn’t want to or what. But he didn’t. It was like he didn’t change. He was still this kid, instead of a grown man. He couldn’t hold down a steady job and he was always changing his mind about things – going off on tangents. When you have your own children, you change. Or at least I did. Kids make your responsibilities change – but for Slim, it didn’t. He figured it was my job to take care of all that – to adapt and deal with it.”
“Why you?” Irene interrupted.
“I didn’t understand at first, but later I realized it was because I was the woman. Children, in Slim’s world, are woman’s work. Anyway…that’s how it was. I mean I accepted his vision, too – and became the woman he wanted me to be. I accepted the responsibility for keeping us afloat, but he stayed the same. He had all these ideas, while I worked like a horse. Sometimes I thought he talked too much. I remember thinking – this man’s got such a big mouth, if only he’d practice half of what he preached. But I was loyal. I had to be. He was my husband and the father of my two babies. He said I was supposed to back him up no matter what – and I did. Backing him up became my mission in life. (For quite a while anyway.) But how did he back me up? I was like this second-class citizen. Looking back I can see that somehow he convinced me that doing everything was my job. All the while he gallivanted around Scandinavia going to meetings and working for different movements. There was revolution alright in our family, but not when it came to women’s lib. It was a strange mix. Sometimes when I think about the past, I get so mad. But then I think I’ve got it all wrong. I actually had this really strong feeling when I was sitting in the restaurant with Slim the other night that I couldn’t just blame him…I mean, I let him get away with it. I agreed to it all. At the time, I mean, sitting there across the table from him the other night, when I realized all this, I almost jumped up and thanked him because I realized that he really was my teacher. I mean, on some very deep level our relationship had to go on until I was mature enough to say stop. I realized the other night that he never forced me to do anything…I did it all of my own free will. In the end, though I really wasn’t conscious of it at the time, I guess I just got fed up with all his bullshit. I mean, I just couldn’t take another word from him. The way he manipulated me…with his righteousness. Now when I look back, I can’t believe I let him browbeat me for so long.”
“Seems to me he’s still manipulating you, Pebble.”
“Well, not really.”
“Are you sure? Why did you agree to go to dinner with him in the first place?”
“Well, because he said he wanted to talk about the kids.”
Irene laughed. “And?”
“And what?”
“He’s always used your children and guilt to manipulate you…he’s done it for years…what made you think he suddenly changed?”
“Are you saying that on some level I really do feel guilty?”
“Well do you?”
Pebble knew she did, but it was hard to admit it. She forced herself (ruthless honesty, right?) to speak. “Well, maybe I do, but having a broken marriage behind you is nothing to be proud of…is it?”
“Well I guess it depends on how you look at it,” said Irene, “but it’s certainly nothing to be ashamed of either.”
“I don’t think I’m ashamed, it’s more like I feel bad about the kids. It’s hard to explain. I guess I feel I let them down. I mean not being able to get along with their father. Everybody dreams about having a happy family. I just feel I failed.”
“You weren’t the only one in this marriage, Pebble. Slim was married to you, too. It takes two to make a marriage and a divorce.”
“I know…I mean I think I know, in my mind anyway. But emotionally, it’s not so easy. I mean I’m not sure. I really wish we could be friends. Lots of people get divorced and still manage to keep some kind of a relationship going because of their children.”
“You might want that, Pebble, but what about Slim?”
“I know what you mean…”
“I get the impression that your ex-husband may not be that kind of person. He doesn’t exactly sound like a person who can tolerate a lot of emotional freedom. You said so yourself. You said he was a fanatic, that he was immature, that he had difficulty dealing with his own problems…is that the kind of person who’s going to be friends with his ex-wife, especially when he’s such a stiff-necked, old-fashioned radical and she works for the most successful advertising agency in Denmark?”
Pebble laughed. “It doesn’t sound good, does it?”
“No, it doesn’t,” said Irene and laughed, too. “Maybe you’re just going to have to accept Slim the way he is, too, Pebble. I mean what makes you think that you can change him? And more importantly, what gives you the right to change him? That’s thinking and acting just the way he does.”
“I never thought of it that way.”
“Well maybe it’s time you do. You didn’t want him changing you. Why should you be able to change him? It’s a two-way street, you know. You’ve got to respect him for what he is, too, whatever that happens to be. Give him the respect you want yourself.”
Pebble marveled at Irene’s way of looking at the world. How would things be if everyone treated each other the way Irene did?
Irene continued, “Did you ever consider the fact that in spite of what you may or may not want – your ex-husband just may not be able to deal with you, or his feelings about you, at this moment in time…Perhaps he’s never going to be able to deal with his feelings for you…Did you ever consider that?”
“You mean it’s not going to get better? I keep hoping it’s going to get better.”
“Well maybe it will, and maybe it won’t. Whatever happens, you have to go on living your life. Right?”
“Yeah.” Life without any link or accountability to Slim was hard to imagine. Pebble didn’t realize how connected she still was to her ex-husband. “I didn’t realize how much he still influences me.”
Irene got up and started pacing the room. Outside, the sun was shining brightly.
Pebble never heard Irene talk so much before. “Maybe,” Irene continued, “you’re going to have to stop feeling guilty about the problems Slim is having dealing with you. Did you ever think about that?”
“No, not really.”
She’s really giving it to me today. Pebble loved it when Irene allowed Pebble to see how intensely she cared about her clients.
“Well, if you never looked at it that way, then maybe you’re still operating on the assumption that it’s your responsibility to make things right, Pebble.”
Once again, Irene hit the bull’s eye.
Pebble smiled. “How did you get to be so insightful?”
“Being insightful is my business,” Irene shot back. They both laughed. “If you’re still operating on the assumption that you’re th
e one who’s supposed to make things right,” Irene continued, “then why did you get divorced in the first place? You are divorced, aren’t you?”
“Sure I am,” Pebble nodded. “I mean I thought I was!”
“Well if you are, are you still responsible for his anger and hurt? Or for the fact that he’s not a very successful person? Is that your responsibility, too? Why isn’t he doing something about his problems himself? Who appointed you to be his caretaker?”
“I guess he did…and well, I allowed him to…and now that I’m not his caretaker anymore, he’s furious.” Pebble laughed. “Men are such jerks. Actually I just realized Albert’s the same.” It was another new insight.
“Let’s not mix Albert into this yet,” said Irene, trying to keep Pebble focused. “Let’s go back to the capitalist-pig bit. He really got to you, didn’t he?”
“Yeah, I mean it’s just not true.” Just thinking about it was enough to make Pebble mad again. “I work hard for my money. I really do – and I support our kids all by myself.” She didn’t realize how angry she was until she heard her own voice.
“Okay, okay, so how come this particular insult upsets you so much? You just told me the man was a jerk and you didn’t care what he thought about you. But obviously you do.”
“He ought to know me better.” Pebble was irate. “We were married for 14 years. He knows how hard I’ve worked all my life to make a positive contribution to this planet – and he knows what I believe in…and now, just because we got divorced and I changed tracks, he accuses me of abandoning everything I ever stood for.”
“So what?”
“I still want him to like me and respect me.” She surprised herself.
“And what if he doesn’t? What if he can’t?”
“Well, he should.”
“Why?” Irene demanded.
“Because I’m the mother of his children.” Pebble wasn’t in doubt.
“Well, what if he can’t?”
“You just said that.” Pebble was almost mad at Irene, too.
“I know, but you didn’t really answer me. Just because you were married once and just because you’re the mother of his children, it was still you who rejected him. Don’t you understand that, Pebble? You rejected him. And you still expect him to love and respect you.”
Pebble gazed out the window. Christianshavn’s Canal looked quaint and lovely in the bright sunshine.
When she didn’t reply, Irene continued, “Rejection is a very unpleasant experience. Very. And I think men probably have a harder time dealing with rejection than women do. You are going to have to recognize that no matter how nice you think you are, you were the one who rejected him. You were the one who said – I’m through with you, Charlie. He may never be able to forgive you for that.”
Pebble didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Irene had made her point, so she said, “I guess I must have some doubts about working for an ad agency, too.”
“Well, maybe you do,” sighed Irene, realizing they were coming to the end of their session. “Now I don’t know if you should, but the most important thing is to put the responsibility for the way you feel where it belongs.”
“You mean with me?”
“Of course I mean with you! Who else could I possibly mean? The Queen of Denmark! Come on, Pebble, do you want to do the hot seat exercise again?” Pebble laughed. “You think I need it?” She was ready to go home.
“I don’t know. Do you?”
“Nay,” said Pebble, “I’ll just end up saying the same things I said last time.”
“Which is what?” Irene wanted her to say it again.
“That it’s about time I got my act together and stop acting like a doormat.”
Chapter 14
Late in May, Einar threw one hell of a party. The night of Einar’s party was one of those extraordinary early summer nights you find only in Scandinavia. To truly appreciate the tenderness of such an evening, you almost have to live through a long, dark Nordic winter – a time of cold and gloom which can seem to have no end. Then a spectacular evening like the night of Einar’s party can truly set the heart of the most hardhearted individual aflame with a crazy, inexplicable love of life.
On this particular Saturday, the sun didn’t set until almost 10 p.m. The evening was surprisingly balmy and warm, pregnant with all the wonderful promise of the long midsummer nights to come and the incredible lightness of those dancing shadows. It was something all the sun-starved people of the North dream of. Einar couldn’t have planned it better if he’d had a direct line to God himself.
Einar had reason to celebrate – the fashion show he produced and directed for Denmark’s top furrier at the Hotel George Cinque in Paris earlier in May was a huge success. Somehow, Einar convinced the Danish Crown Princess to preside over the show’s inauguration – quite a coup for the Republic Group – and the international fashion press was all over the event. Vogue magazine ran a four-page spread of the svelte Scandinavian models looking divine in futuristic furs on Einar’s high-tech catwalk in this most famous of Parisian hotels. Pebble, who was suddenly lifted from anonymity to – Ms. Beach, l’assistant de Einar Bro – found the heady world of Paris fashion, a mad, charming frenzy after her quiet life as a newly divorced freelancer in sleepy Copenhagen. And to think I recently spent 18 days in the wilds of Greenland, drinking with a bunch of cowboys. The incongruities of her life amazed Pebble. Or that I went to bed with a 24-year-old electrician from Taastrup and loved every minute of it. God – Molly should only know!
Obviously Molly was overjoyed when Pebble started working for Einar. “I’m so glad you’ve come to your senses, Pebble.” Pebble’s trip to Greenland almost worried Morris and Molly to death. Even Pebble was glad there was no chance of her parents finding out what really did happen while she was up there. In fact she was quite relieved nobody she knew would ever know. Her only problem was that she had a hard time forgetting Albert – and she couldn’t figure out why. She didn’t realize that Albert was a throwback, a memory, a long-cherished dream of hers that never came true. He represented an almost childish desire to find that one strong man who’d protect her from everything, and the successful Pebble – that competent business woman – was strangely incapable of cutting through the bullshit of her own little girl fantasies. She was almost afraid to admit (even to herself) that she wanted desperately to be in his arms again, no matter how crazy it seemed. She didn’t even dare tell Irene.
Sometimes, longing for Albert almost made Pebble consider going to bed with Einar. Strange as it may seem, there was a connection, however illogical. Her very real physical need for Albert had a way of turning, at times, into a general mad yearning for male energy. When that happened, Pebble found herself even considering Einar, as unattractive as he was. But she never went further than the mental process – even though he gave her every opportunity to do so. She was well aware that she’d never forgive herself if she allowed him to move into the circle of her privacy. So Einar and Pebble continued to play their own special version of touch-and-go at work. It happened almost every day. It was as if Einar was so convinced he’d conquer her eventually, that he kept the pressure up. Knowing that Pebble respected him immensely certainly fueled his fire – and helped him continue to behave as the gracious gentleman no matter how many times she turned him down. He pushed, but took care not to push too hard, and bided his time enjoying the inevitable march towards intimacy with Pebble. He enjoyed the way she liked him more and more – enjoyed the way she often allowed herself to drop her guard, even though WonderLift still stood between them like an ugly barbed-wire fence. Probably Pebble would have been much more relaxed around Einar from the start if it hadn’t been for WonderLift. She often wanted to broach the subject with him, but never quite dared. She didn’t know where such a discussion might lead and wasn’t sure she’d be able to control herself if she got very emotional. So she was torn between regarding Einar as her mentor/savior –he gave me a job when I really needed it – or
as the man who did her in. If it wasn’t for WonderLift, I’d still be on my own. The fact that she was having a wonderful time as Einar’s assistant made the whole matter even more complicated. Not only was Einar a kind and brilliant mentor, he was her passport to another world. The trip to the fur show in Paris, being just such a case in point of the new worlds Einar opened for her.
Einar was in for some surprises too. He knew from the start that Pebble was a talented copywriter, but he never suspected she possessed such business acumen as she did. She was such a good assistant that he soon discovered she had the potential to be a top-level manager at the Republic Group or anywhere else for that matter. He thanked his lucky stars that she wasn’t aware of it yet, but he knew she would be soon. With her brains, it was bound to happen. All he could do was hope he’d be her lover before she was ready to fly on her own. Being such a homely, awkward man didn’t make things any easier for Einar either because basically Einar didn’t want to be as attracted to her sexually as he was – it made life too complicated. But he couldn’t get over her, try as he may. He really didn’t want to hire Pebble – he was well aware that hiring someone he was so attracted to was like playing with fire, but he felt guilty about the WonderLift scandal, so he did. He knew Pebble would be out of work without his protection. At least, he was relieved when he noticed how happy she seemed working for him. It had to be a sign she was unaware of the ugly gossip surrounding her name.
The night of Einar’s party, the usual coastal wind had disappeared (as if Einar Bro was truly in control) to some far corner of the globe while the Katrine Madsen Trio played sweet music on the terrace of Skovriderkroen. Skovriderkroen – combination brasserie, restaurant and discotheque – was one of the absolute trendiest places to throw a party of course, nestled as it was comfortably in fashionable Charlottenlund, close to the Sound which separates Denmark and Sweden – and only a short 15-minute drive from downtown Copenhagen.
Adventures of Pebble Beach Page 16
