I hadn’t hugged or had such intimate interaction with anyone since Lily. I cherished the moments I shared with her, creeping up behind her to hug her while we played together, my intentions aimed to get her to give me a piggy back around the facility. When she died, I had no one to hug, to comfort me after my loss. As I watched them throw her ashes down the drain, rejecting my plea to keep them, no one stood by to console me. When the nightmares violated my dreams every night as I lay alone in fear, no one checked in to investigate about the screams and cries that escaped me.
Yet here I was, motionless, afraid of facing a man who’d witness such an embarrassing moment, hugging me. He didn’t laugh at my weird behaviour, or ridicule my actions. He accepted my flaws, the first person in my adult cycles to acknowledge me as a person. Not a tool to be pushed, laughed or taunt.
I swallowed hard, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. I wouldn’t show any more vulnerability. I was stronger than this, witnessing events no shifter should watch throughout my life. I wouldn’t shatter now. My life had taught me a few things, one being that kindness was only temporary.
I pulled away slightly, peering into those bright purple eyes, the moonlight spilled through the window glimmering in them. His expression appeared haunted, worry etched into his face as he looked down on me.
“Don’t ever feel embarrassed in my presence, Mako. I know you don’t remember me, that I’m a stranger to you, but I understand and accept you. When we were kids, I would come and visit every rotation. I’d help your mom tuck you in bed, only to wake up to you cuddling next to me. Or those times you’d be taking a nap in your room one minute, only to be sitting on the kitchen floor, holding a glass of milk in your little hands the next minute. I never judged you then, Mako. I won’t start now.”
He didn’t know me; he remembered Rosalina at six cycles, who had a vision of her future life as a princess. Who was he to stand here and imply he knew me, as if he’d witnessed the last sixteen cycles of hell?
“How can you accept me so easily? This sleep walking business is nothing but a curse. How would you feel to be chained to a wall every night? Or pretend to be deaf so my sensitive ears ignored the multiple insults directed my way; the lunatic shifter, the Owner’s favourite. How can you accept my moments of embarrassment and my deflections with humour as an attempt to present myself as a normal, happy go lucky shifter, who’s lived a decent life?” I snapped, the anger surging through me as I glared up at him.
“Better yet, the multiple times I speak out loud instead of being able to distinguish between the thoughts in my crowded head, versus, the world around me! Just because you knew someone when they were what, four or five cycles, you simply think you can just assume I’m the same naïve little girl? I’ve changed, Ryder! I’ve seen things…I’ve witnessed shifters destroy one another to receive a plate of food. I’ve watched girls get beaten and raped by the guards for refusing to reveal their bodies to them. I was compelled to stand and watch my…best friend, my sister, release her spirit before her head was sliced off her body because she deserved to be taught a lesson! I am a shattered mess, Ryder. I’m not the innocent Rosalina you once knew. I’m the girl who screams herself awake from nightmares plaguing me any chance they get. I’m the girl who hides a side of myself that…if revealed, can destroy whatever’s dear to me with a snap of a finger.” I raged on, taking every nerve in me to not crack or burn anything. No one would ever understand!
“I’m broken Ryder! An unsalvageable mess. Knowing all this, would you still want to accept such a person…as a friend, as a princess to serve and protect?”
“Mako.” He whispered my name, but it felt like a scream echoing through my body.
I pulled away, turning around as I felt the tears sweep down my face. I bit my lip to hold back the sobs threatening to escape.
It was one thing to know your flaws, but to say them out loud for your own ears to hear shattered every defense I had built around myself. I tightened the blanket around me, a barrier to replace the one that had just shattered.
“I’ll return to my room. Sorry for waking you, it won’t happen again.” My voice barely a whisper. I took a step forward before arms encircled me once more, stopping me from my desperate flee.
“You think we’re perfect Makoto?” I heard him whisper against my ear, his voice brimming with aggravation.
“Every day I walk with my head up high, giving off the impression that all is well, but when the lights go off and I lay in my bed, I’m haunted by the stricken expressions on your parent’s faces when they discovered you were stolen. I despise the younger me, who didn’t clue in on the fact you weren’t in bed next to me that morning. Maybe, if I had acted upon that revelation and investigated…you would have never lived such a pain stricken life. Those agonizing memories will never fade away Makoto. I’ll always put the blame on myself for failing you.” He declared. I could feel the desperation in his voice, the air thick with tension.
After all these cycles, he blamed himself for something that was out of his control.
His embrace tightened as he took a deep breath, his body trembling. My heart clenched as I realized he was on the verge of tears. For a man like him to shed tears, only displayed how devastating the experience was to him. I could relate to him – to be the one that feels helpless in stopping something that was out of my control. The same way I felt pounding on the glass wall, screaming as I watched Lily die.
“You can’t beat yourself up for that.” I gave into his despair.
“Only the Starlight gods can determine our fates. If this was how my life was supposed to blossom, to make me a stronger individual, then you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it.” The anger inside of me had died. The inferno of fury burning through me moments before, now only embers simmering.
“Then why is it okay for me to forgive my short comings, but watch you refuse to forgive yours? I can’t say everything that happens in this universe happens with a purpose. I understand you’ve seen things and have lost people you cared about, but so have I. We’ve all lost people. Losing someone dear to you, creates an unfillable black hole within your heart…but we can’t continue to move forward with the intention of living up to their names if we don’t commit to trying our best to do so. That starts with you, forgiving yourself and accepting the person you’ve become due to such upbringings.” He concluded.
Silence descends around us, as we stood there. The wind continued to blow softly in the room, moving the curtains against the window sill, making a light clattering noise.
I closed my eyes taking a deep breath, thinking through everything he said. I knew he was right, but still, I questioned his loyalty and motive. I was no longer the little girl he remembered. I couldn’t even remember that little girl. Was it possible? Can they all accept me, the broken defective me?
“We’re all broken Mako. All of us have a story to tell. Just because Marcus laughs constantly, doesn’t mean he hasn’t struggled in this life. Just because Daniel looks calm all the time, doesn’t mean he doesn’t become aggravated or upset. Elias projects himself as a stuck up know it all, without a care in the world, but don’t you wonder what made him become that way in the first place? We all have our inner demons. It comes down to whether you succumb to them or fight to become victorious.” He reassured me, replying to my unintentional confession.
I turned myself around, still in his embrace to face him, my cheeks stained with tears. I looked up to him not with sadness, but determination.
I was given a chance to live, to enjoy the moment of freedom I so badly wished upon. I couldn’t simply waste it, crying and sabotaging myself. I had lived thus far, with the Starlight gods and Lily watching over me. I must have some type of purpose in this life. If the gods brought these men into my life for a reason, I had to give them a chance to prove themselves. To fulfil whatever duty the stars had mapped for us. It was time to grow up.
I smiled, the last bits of tension within my heart melting away, feeling a
s if all my burdens and hardships had been taken off my shoulders, freeing me.
“I’ll accept you and the others. I won't judge you guys either. I don’t know what the gods have in store for us on this apparent journey. To be honest, the unknown frightens me – unaware of when we’ll have to face these foretold dark times, but if you all are willing to stay with me, through thick and thin, I’ll give it a shot.” I vowed, my resolution clear.
He smiled, appearing so genuinely sweet and happy, my heart warmed with affection.
“Tomorrow’s a new beginning. Let’s make it count.” He proclaimed with pure conviction.
CHAPTER SIX
I didn’t want the night to end. It was such a refreshing feeling, lying down next to another shifter and having a simple, intellectual conversation. Ryder had given me one of his shirts, the maroon T-shirt fit me like a dress, long enough to cover my butt. The bonus was it smelled like him.
I secretly claimed it, vowing to make it one of my missions to collect something from the other boys, like a souvenir. Mission: Souvenir from Ryder – Complete. One down – three to go.
We spent the night catching up on the cycles we’d lost together. He told me the order in which he had met the others; meeting Daniel first and then Marcus, followed by Elias. He explained how they had been blessed with mental communication. It didn’t matter how far apart they were from one another. If they desperately needed to reach each other, they could. Yet, the farther away they were, the more concentration was needed to get a clear message through.
He informed me of how there was currently five of them, another shifter named Kai being the fifth. He was staying back in Heila to assist my parents, the King and Queen.
It felt weird to suddenly accept the fact I had a family. Ryder told me about my Father and Mother, Arthur and Catherine Heart.
According to him, they were kind rulers, doing anything in their power to promote peace and tranquility. My two siblings, Kade and Xavier Heart were the top ranking summon magic users in the kingdom. They were currently assisting in the raiding of King Aspen’s facilities in other realms. Ryder stressed how my kidnapping had changed them significantly, compared to the brothers he once knew, but he prayed once they heard about my rescue, they would face their inner demons.
“Inner demons? What happened?” I questioned, curious as to how my disappearance could have affected them.
Next to Lily, I couldn’t imagine how someone would feel or react to the news that their family member was missing; the fear of them being dead or being tortured always in the back of their mind.
“Their demeanour changed. Between the two, Kade physically took it the hardest. He’s like Marcus; always friendly and striving to make people smile, but when your Mother told him and Xavier, he lost control of his spirit. You can’t imagine how difficult it can be trying to calm an extremely angry angel shifter. He stayed in his angel form for weeks.” He explained, his hand lightly tugging a strand of my hair as he looked up at the ceiling, his eyes looked far away, as if he was watching the events unfold before him.
“What about Xavier? Did he care?” I asked, hesitantly. It warmed my heart that one of my siblings had cared about my disappearance, having some type of reaction to my kidnapping. I just wish he didn’t have to experience such suffering.
“Xavier is like Daniel, quiet and keeps to himself. He’s not one to burden others with his inner struggles and that was no different back than as it is now. He had stood there with a blank expression, unable to comment. I could see it in his eyes though, he was trying to be the stronger one. But I could sense his struggle when his eyes kept flashing back and forth, and the temperature kept alternating between hot and cold. His demon wasn’t pleased to say the least.” Ryder admitted.
Kade and Xavier; angel and demon shifters whose youngest sister was robbed from them. If they heard the news, would they be happy or sad? Would they even want to know me? I was so different from the little princess they remembered. Could they accept this version of me?
He told me about his family, specifically his sister, Anya. She was two cycles younger than him, being blessed with a demon spirit like Ryder. She would have been twenty-three if she was still alive. During a family expedition when Ryder was sixteen, he was traveling with his sister in one transportation vehicle, his parents an hour ahead of them. They were heading back to Minato after their routine trip to Heila when his vehicle was ambushed by rouge shifters.
Rouge shifters were followers of King Aspen. Their mission was to cause disturbance throughout the realms to create chaos and uncertainty in an effort to create war.
At that time, Ryder said he wasn’t aware of the hidden facilities, but during the confrontation, Anya was stolen from him. The rogues had attempted to take him as well, but his demon had begged to differ, killing four out of the five shifters as a result. It pained him that he didn’t have the endurance to kill the fifth rouge, the culprit who stole Anya away from him and his family. Before he had the chance to call for help, he had lost consciousness. When he had awakened, he was already back in Minato, being treated for his injuries. They never found Anya.
I could sense the pain in his voice as he explained Anya’s tragedy. I could understand now, why Ryder and his demon were so protective of me. He was scared someone would steal me away again, just as they had stolen his sister. I felt a bit closer to Ryder, after hearing his struggles in life. I felt I wasn’t alone, having someone who understood the true extent of losing someone dear to them.
I told him all about Lily, from the day we met at the entrance of the facility, to the final moments when I received her phoenix, naming her in Lily’s memory. He listened quietly, the arm around me pulling me closer when I struggled to finish certain parts in my story telling.
I didn’t feel sorry for myself for living the life I lived. You can’t regret something you never knew existed. It didn’t mean such a life didn’t have its breaking points. Every day was a struggle to survive, even with my favourite status; I wasn’t guaranteed the privilege to live to the next day. I had to fight, just like everyone else.
When I reached sixteen, we were coerced into participating in death matches. The Owner’s goal wasn’t to see who was stronger when it came down to a fight. His goal was to determine who would survive, no matter what the circumstances were. Those times were by far, the most brutal, both physically and mentally.
The Owner wanted to morph me into another person, a slave who would never defy his command. Through multiple experimental testing, aimed to manually incorporate a trigger in my head, he finally succeeded. I guess I can describe it as the birth of my split personality.
The Owner referred to her as Midnight, her name symbolizing the end and the beginning of a new era. I always imagined her name representing the dead of night, the point of where darkness was furthest away from the sun’s light. She was her own entity, not like my spirits who could take control of me but allowed me the ability to witness what they were doing with my body.
I believe Midnight emerged due to my brain’s way of protecting myself; a way to deal with the trauma of the past. When the daily experimental trials became too much for me mentally, I would black out; Midnight emerging to take my place. I wouldn’t know what had occurred unless Rose gave me the summarized version or I heard the detailed version, from the Owner, praising my performance.
I understood that Midnight and myself were one individual; I had come to accept her and the Owner’s evil purpose for her. However, taking the blame for murdering shifters didn’t sit well with my heart. I knew the Starlight gods wouldn’t judge me. I was forced to partake in these duels, compared to me simply raising my hand up and volunteering as tribute to kill my fellow shifters.
Sometimes, during the wee hours of the night, I’d attempt to reach out to talk to her. I knew if we switched I wouldn’t be able to mentally communicate with her compared to my spirits, but I had other ways of talking with her.
During my teen cycles, I asked the Owner
if I could have a book and pencil to draw in, giving the excuse to pass the time. He didn’t seem to mind my request, a few empty books and two pencils left in my cell the following day. I would write what I had to say to her and switch, allowing her to take control. Rose became the interrupter for anything Midnight didn’t understand, but as time passed, it became easier.
Midnight was the complete opposite of me; quiet and shy, and showed little interest in shifters of any kind. I couldn’t ignore how lethal she was in combat, killing her opponent within five minutes or less. I bet she could simple stare at a shifter and induce their death if she truly wanted too. Of course, that wouldn’t be approved of by the Owner. He loved when the matches were slow and torturous, enjoying their agonizing screams as they fell to their demise. We both didn’t know what the Owner’s intentions were, but I was certain that Midnight would be the prime subject for his malevolent scheme.
I decided not to tell Ryder about her, yet. I knew within me, everything he said was truth. His promise to never judge me was filled with pure intentions, courtesy of having an angel spirit with the ability to determine truth from lie.
I, however, didn’t want to show all my cards. Plus, Midnight wasn’t as trustworthy as I was. I’d make a mental note to tell her everything that has happened later, when I got some alone time.
We continued to talk till the sun began to rise, my eyes becoming too heavy for me to keep open. The soothing motion of Ryder’s hand stroking my head lulled me to sleep. The nightmares stayed away as I slept peacefully, without a care in the world.
***
I woke up in an empty bed. I let out a yawn as I sat up, staring at the maroon rug on the floor. My mind was foggy; everything seemed hazy and far away. I questioned if this was another dream, but didn’t concern myself. I let my eyes close for a moment, my mind drifting on its own accord. I allowed my body to stand, my eyes still refusing to fully open. I walked towards the door, mindlessly opening it to find my destination.
Dark Wish (The Starlight Gods Series Book 1) Page 9
