by A. J. Truman
They both took another sip.
“We’re being set up, aren’t we?” Henry asked.
“I think so.” He glanced at the archway, and there were Lorna and June talking with their sisters, probably giving them a play by play.
“I need to be honest, Ethan. I kind of have a boyfriend.”
“Oh. Does June know?”
Henry waved at June and shifted himself so that his back was to the girls. “Actually, no. I haven’t told anyone. He’s not out.”
No need for small talk anymore. Ethan was all ears. “Oh. Is he in a frat?”
Please don’t say Greg. Please don’t say Greg.
“No. He’s an engineering student. His family is super-conservative.”
“How long have you guys been dating?”
“About six months.”
“Wow. And you’re okay keeping it a secret for so long?” This guy had made it six months, and Ethan couldn’t even last six days.
Something weighed in Henry’s eyes, and Ethan knew the feeling exactly. They were kindred spirits. Henry downed the rest of his drink. “What choice do I have? What’s so funny?”
Ethan hadn’t realized he was smiling. “I know how you feel. I was seeing this guy for about two months. Closeted frat guy.”
“Dude, that’s like the gay holy grail. Hot?”
“You have no idea. Is it wrong of me to get turned on watching him get nervous around his friends?”
Henry cracked up. His face creased with laugh lines. “I love that, too! Sometimes I ‘run into him’ outside his classes. He gets all flustered. Then we have amazing sex.” Henry examined his empty cup. “I’m sorry. That was a total TMI. Are you guys still together?”
Ethan struggled to hold his smile, but judging by Henry’s reaction, he failed. “I just…I know how you feel.”
“Well, if you ever want to talk or hang out, I’m here.” Henry glanced over his shoulder and waved at the girls. “They’d probably get a kick out of it.”
“That’d be nice.”
Like Lorna, he felt an instant friend connection with Henry. He felt more comfortable with him after five minutes than he did with most people. Unlike with Preston, there was no awkwardness or latent crush forming. Ethan had made his first gay friend. Two guys who liked guys but not each other. He flashed back to the rainbow party he’d attended so long ago. He’d come so far.
“What’s so funny?” Henry asked.
“Nothing. Let’s go get refills and say hi to the girls.”
Φ
Ethan’s optimism about talking to Greg again faded fast. Greg stopped coming to Constitutional Law class entirely. Ethan held out on texting him. Both Lorna and Henry had told him that he wasn’t in the wrong here. Greg needed to get over his own shit.
Still, one Saturday night, Ethan buckled and texted, Hey.
Greg never responded.
Three weeks later, Ethan began making peace with things. Luckily, he had his new friends to help keep his mind off Greg. When Henry mentioned he had an extra ticket to the last football game of the season, Ethan jumped at the opportunity. Lorna was going with June. Henry’s boyfriend would be there, too, but in the next section over. “Of course,” Henry said with rolled eyes.
Before game day, Ethan dyed his T-shirt lime green. He wore it over a gray thermal and tied a lime green bandana around his head.
“Whoa,” he said at the person in his mirror. “Go Whitetails.”
He found Jessica, Dave, and Anna lounging in Jessica’s suite. It was the weekend before Thanksgiving break, the last game of the season, and they were studying.
At that moment, Ethan felt bad for his friends. Even if they didn’t drink, they were still missing out on so much life. There was more to experience than sculpture yards and Chinese buffets. Browerton was full of interesting people, too. He was grateful that he’d gotten to meet Sahil and Henry and June and all the random co-eds he’d collided with during parties. They’d helped him discover a little part of himself. He hoped his friends had their own awakenings soon. Whether it involved fucking in a library or not.
“What are you guys up to today?” Ethan asked.
Jessica eyed Ethan’s getup, and he glimpsed a quick flash of judgment before she shrugged it off. “We’re doing a little studying now, then we’re going to this Italian restaurant shaped like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.”
“That sounds cool. Let me know next time you go,” Ethan said with true sincerity. No passive-aggressive double meaning. That did sound cool, as did attending a football game. Ethan didn’t have to choose one or the other.
“We will,” Jessica said with a nod. “Have fun.”
“Loving the bandana, Ethan!” Dave added.
“Thanks.”
Lorna opened her door before Ethan could knock. She had green glitter sprinkled on her face and a green tank top on.
“You realize it’s forty degrees out?” Ethan asked.
“Don’t worry, mom. I’m bringing a hoodie.” She grabbed it from her closet. “Do you want to do a pre-pregame shot before we go?”
A bottle of vodka sat on her desk. He thought of Jessica and their heart-to-heart. He wanted her room to stay a safe space.
Ethan slipped the vodka into Lorna’s bag. “We’ll bring it with us. We don’t have to drink here.”
Lorna looked behind Ethan at his friends studying away. “I know, I know. She’ll have a fit.”
“It’s her room, too.” An idea bulb flicked on in Ethan’s brain. “How about if you stop keeping alcohol in your room, I’ll get her to tidy up?”
Lorna immediately sparked to the compromise. “Deal.”
As they left the dorm, Lorna gave the study group an exaggerated wave. “Have a great afternoon, guys!”
Ethan noticed something in Anna’s eyes. He thought he saw longing and curiosity opening them up, watching him and Lorna go. She wore a sweatshirt that had a bicycle on it and the words “RIDE ME” splashed underneath. Were her clothes a cry for help? Ethan wondered if she was in the same position as him, if she had this private life she couldn’t tell anyone about. Or maybe she was too afraid to try for one, which was even more depressing.
“Did anyone want to come to the tailgate with us? It’s a lot of fun, even if you don’t drink.” He gazed at Anna for an extra second.
She dropped the pen in her hand. The spotlight moved to her, which seemed to be a new and terrifying phenomenon for her. She glanced at Jessica, unused to having a voice in this group.
“I think we’re good,” Jessica said. Anna returned to studying.
Perhaps Ethan’s mind was just playing tricks on him.
Φ
Ethan kicked ass at flip cup, even if he was playing with water. The more he played, the better his hand-eye coordination got. Henry and June marveled at his speed and accuracy. Practice was making perfect.
He scanned the parking lot, taking in the dozens of tailgates happening in tents or on people’s cars. Everyone celebrating, socializing, having a great time. And Ethan was in the center of it. He couldn’t help himself. He had to sneak a peek at the Kappa Kappa Sigma tailgate.
Just a three-second glimpse. That’s it, he told himself. Only to see what type of beer they had in the keg. He summoned his liquid courage and peered into the fraternity’s tent.
An epic game of beer pong was being played over two connected ping pong tables. Sahil sunk a ball and threw his arms up. All normal stuff. Nothing worth spying on. Ethan continued craning his neck. His three seconds were almost up. They were very long seconds.
And that’s when he made eye contact with Greg. Ethan’s body turned to petrified wood, crystallized instantly. Greg took a lingering look at him while sipping his beer. All their memories and all of Ethan’s feelings rushed back into him. He’d thought he was fine. He’d thought he was moving on. But one glimpse plunked him back into the post-break-up blues.
Ethan did a half-wave. Greg turned his back to him.
CHAPTER thirty
During halftime, he and Lorna went to the concession stand. They were talking about the amazing touchdown that Browerton had scored right before the end of the quarter, and they were laughing. For no reason, just out of happiness, out of letting fun take over them completely.
Preston was one line over from them. Ethan had to do a double-take.
“I didn’t know you went to football games,” Ethan screamed over to him.
“Likewise.” Preston wasn’t a screamer, but Ethan made sure to hear every word. “What do you think?”
“I love it! Did you know that nobody sits down at these games? We’ve been standing on the bleachers the entire time.”
“Me too.”
“I probably sound like a lung cancer patient I’ve been screaming so much. And I’m screaming now,” Ethan said. The echoes inside drowned out their conversation. Preston left his line and joined theirs.
“Mind if cut in?”
“You just gave up your spot on the faster-moving line.”
“I don’t mind,” Preston said with a knowing smile. Ethan blushed, but he could just blame it on the cold, right? He smelled something familiar on Preston’s breath.
“Did you pregame with tequila?”
“Technically, I’m still gaming.” Preston opened his coat and flashed the flask in his inside pocket. Preston attends football games? With flasks of tequila? Apparently, Ethan wasn’t the only one of Jessica’s friends with a wild side.
“Why are you laughing? Are you laughing at me, Ethan Follett?”
That made Ethan’s laugh turn into a giggle. Was he giggling? Well, so would any guy if Preston Waters had left his refreshments line to talk to him.
“Preston Waters is drunk at a football game. I never thought I’d see the day.”
“You obviously don’t know me that well.”
“I know what your major is.”
“Get a room, you two!” Lorna said.
They moved up in line and ordered food. Lorna and Ethan got nachos, a pretzel, and a Coke, while Preston opted for the hot dog. She kept giving Ethan knowing looks.
Yes, I know. Preston Waters is flirting with me. I’m aware.
“You look really cute today,” Preston said, holding onto Ethan’s shoulder for stability…and maybe more.
Ethan’s smile annexed his entire face. This must be a dream. For the past year, he’d tried to get Preston’s attention. He’d initiated awkward conversations countless times to no avail. And now, all of a sudden, Preston noticed him. Ethan hoped this was the universe’s way of saying it had his back.
“Where are you sitting?”
“A few sections over.” Preston jammed his thumb behind him. And there, in the background, mingling with his bros, was Greg. Ethan’s unavoidable Greek chorus today, it seemed. They made the briefest of eye contact before Ethan returned his gaze to Preston and his piercing green eyes. Even though it was game day and he had a flask of tequila, Preston still wore a clean Browerton T-shirt tucked into crisp, dark jeans.
“These nachos are amazing. You have to try one.” Lorna pushed the nachos into Ethan’s face, breaking the staring contest he seemed to be having with Preston.
“Hey, these are my nachos. You got the hot pretzel.”
“Sharing is caring.”
“I don’t care that much.” Ethan offered Preston a nacho. He placed his hand on Ethan’s as he swirled a chip in cheese.
“I’m going to eat my pretzel.” Lorna waved bye and shot Ethan an obvious wink.
“See you in there!” Ethan said back.
The boys were alone. Well, alone surrounded by thinning-out crowds. Ethan kept his attention on Preston. Not behind Preston where Greg was. He listened to the guy who was out and proudly talking with him.
“I think I’ll have another chip.” Preston cupped his hand over Ethan’s again, this time adding a massaging element.
Halftime wound down. People returned to their seats. Preston and Ethan didn’t go anywhere. While they talked, Preston found new ways to touch Ethan. A hand on the back to hear him better. A touch of his arm to ask him a question. A sweep of the hair out of his eyes to gauge his expression. Ethan realized that once he knew a guy was interested in him, the flirting came naturally. He felt confident that he already had the victory. Confident, but not excited. Not as excited as he should’ve been.
Stop thinking about Greg. Who cared that he and Greg were mere feet apart?
Soon, the crowds cleared out, and the concession stand workers cleaned off their counters. Ethan could hear his voice echo against the concrete walls.
“Should we go back to our seats?” Ethan asked.
“I’m fine here.” Preston’s unblinking gaze penetrated Ethan. “Actually, I have a better idea.”
Preston led him past all the sections to the end of the stadium, down into a small hallway that housed a supply closet. Ethan’s heart rumbled louder than the stomping on the bleachers.
“I’m not sure what’s happened in the past few weeks. You’re like a totally new person. I remember at the Rainbow Party you were so bland and repressed.”
Ethan flinched at the comment. Preston took a swig of his flask and offered, but Ethan declined. He wanted to be sober in this moment.
“I really like this new you.”
Preston kissed Ethan. His tongue sloshed around Ethan’s mouth like an industrial-strength mop. As much as he tried to believe, there were no sparks for Ethan. His thoughts kept drifting back to the new him.
Preston wasn’t the first person to notice that Ethan had changed, and he knew it was because of Greg. He hadn’t tried to change himself. Greg had brought it out of him, this side that he’d been afraid to show to the public. It was all Greg.
Greg who wasn’t beside him, but whose presence was still felt vividly.
Greg who hated him.
Ethan pulled back. “I’m still me. I’ve always been me. I’ll always be somewhat bland and repressed. I’m glad you like the new me, but what about the old me?”
The repressed guy in class who would chastise people for not taking notes. That was the Ethan that Greg liked. Greg liked the old Ethan and the new Ethan, all versions of Ethan. He would’ve liked the Ethan at the Rainbow Party. He would’ve found a way to get under his skin.
Preston also tried to get under his skin—or, rather, his clothes. He reached his hands under Ethan’s shirt and sunk his nails into Ethan’s flesh.
He winced. “What are you doing? We’re in a packed football stadium.”
“I know. Isn’t it exciting?” Preston’s tequila-soaked, industrial-strength tongue lunged at Ethan.
“We could get caught.”
Preston gripped his arms. He had a mighty grip for a comparative literature major. “I thought you liked this. Doing it in public places with that frat guy.”
Shock lit up Ethan’s face. He tried to pull away, but Preston wouldn’t let go. His green eyes darkened like clouds before a storm.
“I was walking to class one day, and I saw you through the window sucking him off in some professor’s office. It was so fucking hot. I wasn’t sure if it was you, but then I saw you guys leaving the movies together.” Lust shadowed Preston’s face. His eyes were no longer piercing. They were predatory. “I was so turned on. Blake was a fucking cocktease of a boyfriend. Not like you. I didn’t know you had a wild side. I do, too.”
Preston pushed him against the wall. He pressed Ethan’s hand against his erection.
“Stop it! Get off me!”
“I know you want to. You’ve had a crush on me for fucking forever, Ethan. Now’s your chance. Let’s have some fun under the feet of five thousand football fans.”
“No!” Tears sprung from his eyes. He couldn’t get out of Preston’s grasp. He didn’t want it to be like this. “Please stop.”
“I thought you liked this.” Preston unbuckled his belt. He unzipped his jeans. The moment Ethan had thought would never come now would not end. “I’ve seen you. You like sucking dick in public.”
Ethan shut his eyes and reached for Preston’s crotch. At the last moment, he balled his hand into a fist and punched him square in the junk. Preston yelled out in pain and threw Ethan back against the wall. His head slammed into the cinderblocks. The world began to slant. The lights became extra-bright. Ethan slid down to the ground.
“Get your fucking hands off him!”
Preston was flung back and smashed into the opposite wall. Two guys surrounded him, and Ethan heard Preston yell out some more in pain. He couldn’t make out who the guys were, but right before he passed out, Ethan noticed the warm-up pants one of them wore looked familiar.
CHAPTER thirty-one
“Ethan, wake up.”
Ethan’s eyes struggled open. His eyelids seemed to have magnets on them, keeping them shut. A hand softly slapped his face.
“Stay with me.”
He fought against the darkness. His vision was fuzzy, but soon Greg’s big, brown eyes came into focus.
“How you doing?”
“Okay, I think.”
“Better than that asshole behind me.” Greg shuffled out of the way, revealing a black-and-blue Preston. Toilet paper was shoved up both of his bloody nostrils.
Fragments of what happened came back to Ethan. Preston slamming him against the wall, unbuckling his pants. The panic, the fear, the sick churning in his stomach all rushed back. His body shook and more tears poured out of him.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay. It’s okay.” Greg cradled Ethan’s face in his hands. His thumbs wiped away the tears. Ethan had never felt safer.
Preston whined in agony. “I’m going to sue you, you assholes!”
