by HP Mallory
“What pull would that be?” he taunted me.
I chuckled. “I was referring, of course, to the attraction all women feel towards the shadow creature.” I cleared my throat and silently bemoaned the incidence of morning breath that seems to claim all mortals. Then, I hoped I should thoroughly offend Chevalier with mine. I took a step closer. “It is a pull, dandy dearest, that most creatures of the female persuasion can do little to ignore.”
Suddenly, a voice rang out from the other side of camp. “Boys! It’s a little too early in the morning to be comparing penis sizes, isn’t it?” teased Dayna.
I turned around to face her and trudged back into the camp, earnestly wishing I felt rested. But such was as it was. “It is fortunate, madam, that it appears Damek’s magical whiskey has done wonders for you,” I grumbled.
Dayna nodded and a large smile pasted itself across her very fetching face. When she stood up, she appeared, for all intents and purposes, to be entirely healed.
I had not realized how young she was when we first rescued her. But, looking upon her now, I imagined she was nearly as young as my dear pupil.
“I admit that I feel like a new person,” she answered in a bird-song voice.
“Perhaps you could spread some of that cheeriness to the Lord Protector,” Chevalier muttered, glaring at me.
I caught Lady Bryn turning to face me with a secretive smile upon her lush mouth. I met her eyes and she immediately blushed, no doubt remembering our carnal and deeply pleasing events of the evening before. From the corner of my eye, I caught Chevalier’s frown as he noted our secretive expressions and, I admit, my good mood elevated even more.
“Could I hope to suppose that upon our exit, we might stop in East Malone and venture to Sadie’s?” I asked. Sadie’s was a most estimable establishment that had provided us our final meal prior to storming Luce’s encampment. The restaurant had not disappointed then, so I quite imagined it would not disappoint now.
***
I was quite pleased to find the rest of my group agreed with my idea. Thusly, I found myself seated in a most comfortable red booth as I eagerly pored over the breakfast menu. I decided not to take any chances and, once again, placed my order for the fried chicken. The chicken had proved utterly enjoyable, featuring expertly-blended spices and meat cooked to perfection.
Dayna ordered the same and appeared wholly pleased that she had. Of course, I assumed her ravenous appetite was driven by days or even weeks of starvation, so perhaps anything would have tasted as good?
After our most excellent meal, our waitress (aged somewhere in her mid-fifties and bearing locks of peroxide-blonde) moved ever so slowly toward us. The dandy had foolishly left her an oversized tip on our last visit. And his excessive generosity was most definitely responsible for unwanted attention, something we most assuredly were not looking to find.
The waitress reached our table and smiled expectantly. Clearly, she believed she would be the recipient of continued foolish magnanimity. Such was the problem of the frog and the frog alone, for Chevalier was the only member of our group who carried funds.
“Madame, I do have but one question for you,” I said, as the matronly woman cleared our dishes from the table.
“Sure, honey,” she replied, her Texas drawl as pronounced as humanly possible.
“My companions and I are in need of transportation. That is, we need to hire a vehicle. Can you direct me to such a location?”
“Oh, honey.” The waitress cackled. “I do love the way you talk!”
“The feeling is mutual, my rosy-cheeked friend,” I finished as the Lady Bryn frowned at me, shaking her head. The glint in her eyes hinted to her amusement.
The waitress’ cackling eventually subsided, and none too soon, I might add.
“Well, honey, we got a Rent-a-Wreck about half a mile down yonder. That’s all the car rental options East Malone’s got for ya.”
And so, we finished our breakfast and walked “half a mile down yonder” to the only available automobile center.
***
The “Rent-a-Wreck” car hire facility was aptly titled. On either side of us loomed jalopies, lemons, and otherwise completely odious and disagreeable vehicles that I would no sooner have stepped foot into than declared Chevalier a worthy adversary.
As soon as we embarked upon the lot, a short man in a tweed jacket appeared from the ether and almost sprinted to greet us. I imagined he did not receive many visitors.
“Hi, y’all,” the short man introduced himself and shook Lady Bryn’s hand. “I’m Bob.”
“Bob,” said my little hellion, “We’re looking for a car that will fit all of us.”
Bob studied each of us, holding his hand beneath his numerous chins as he scratched each one in turn. Then, he lit up in a huge smile, and I half wondered if he would announce we had won the East Malone lottery which no doubt comprised a piece of Sadie’s best apple pie. Unfortunately for me, as I do heartily enjoy apple pie, Bob did not say this.
“How about a minivan?”
“Will it—” my pet began, but I immediately sidestepped her. The situation had now become dire.
“A minivan!” I nearly spat the words out. “My dear, misguided sir, I am certain your inclininations were in the best of places—”
“Sinjin,” the warrior princess emitted in a low, warning tone, but a smile curled the ends of her lips.
“My dear,” I started as I shook my head in her direction. “As I am Lord Protector of the Queen and her own, I cannot allow any within my protection to board such an uncouth and wholly disrespectable vehicle.”
“It’s not like it’s unsafe, Sinjin,” Damek pointed out while Dayna giggled behind him.
“Sinjin, we don’t have time for this,” the frog said with a pout. I had half a mind to order him to return to the lily pad from which he came, but I withheld my retort. I am nothing if not measured.
“This, my friends, is an objectionable day, indeed, if I am the only one among us who must petition for a proper vehicle.” Then, I faced the little man, who was already regarding me with elevated eyebrows. “If you possess a Volvo sport utility vehicle, or perhaps an Audi station wagon or something of the ilk, we can make do.”
Bête noire began to argue, but I shushed her with my hand. Bob eyed me with wonder.
“Oh, my goodness! Well, sir, I just don’t know…” he drawled. “We’re just a little rental joint in this small town. We ain’t got them fancy Porsches or nothing.”
“I do not recall requesting a Porsche,” I said as his eyes went wide. “I quite understand that no such vehicle would exist upon your lot—or, for that matter, within your city.”
“Well, Volvos and Audis are expensive cars, mister,” Bob explained.
I shook my head at his naïveté and sighed. The small man turned to bête noire and they exchanged an affected gaze, as if to say I was the foolish one!
“Honey,” Bob said to Lady Bryn, “I ain’t sure what ta tell ya, but the only vehicle in my inventory that’s gonna seat the five of ya is the mini-van. Take it or leave it.”
“We most assuredly will leave it, good sir!” I announced.
The Lady Bryn waved me away with an unconcerned hand, nodding at Bob. “We’ll take the mini-van.”
“Oh, how the mighty have fallen,” Chevalier jeered behind my back.
“Fallen into a mini van!” Damek laughed.
“I will have you both know this is a day I never imagined coming,” I responded as I followed my warrior princess and Bob into his small office. Lady Bryn filled out the paperwork, and I quietly took the keys from the desk.
“I can drive, Sinjin,” she announced as we strolled down the byway of jalopies and I spied the truly hideous minivan.
“You have already sullied my reputation by hiring this hateful carriage, please do not further tarnish it by emasculating me.”
“What are you talking about?” my pet demanded.
“He’s pretty hysterical,” I heard Day
na say to Damek behind me.
“Yeah, that’s Sinjin,” Damek responded.
“Allow me to maintain the shred of dignity to which I am still hanging by giving me the opportunity to operate the vehicle. I should feel wholly diminished if you insist on driving the buggy.”
“Where’s he from?” Bob asked Lady Bryn as he shook his head in wonder.
“Outer space,” she answered, and glanced over at me. “You know Americans drive on the opposite side of the street than you’re used to, right?”
“Bloody hell,” I grumbled. “Yes, Lady Macbeth, I am well aware.”
She shrugged. “Okay, have at it then.”
Our motley crew piled into the ugly, rectangular thing and I was the last to enter. I found I could not force myself to take a seat upon the blue upholstery that revealed numerous cigarette butt stains, ancient chewing gum, and other intangible blemishes upon its faded surface.
“Sinjin, we don’t have all day,” Lady Bryn warned from the passenger seat.
“Do remind me to burn my clothing upon our return,” I instructed as I frowned at the large brown stain that spread like an evil disease upon the center of my seat. I suddenly regretted offering my operating skills.
“And you say I’m the dandy?” Chevalier muttered from the rear seat.
“Where to?” asked Damek.
“Now we begin our return trip to the portal that will bring us back to the stately hounfour controlled by our dearest Monsieur D. Then, we shall take a second portal from the hounfour back to a land inherently better than this odd country,” I supplied.
“So, home?” asked Damek, hope infiltrating his voice.
“Home,” I replied.
Chapter Six
Sinjin
After what felt like a decade but was most likely closer to six hours, our “road trip” ended. Much to my great relief. It had been terribly awkward sitting in close proximity to both my little hellion and her would-be frog suitor. I refused to admit that I had a true competitor in Chevalier, but his presence did provoke discomfort within me.
I did not appreciate the affability between the two of them. Chevalier’s manner was much too cavalier with the Lady Bryn, and she was much too quick to laugh at his, quite honestly, dull jokes.
Dayna and Damek, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy the overlong car ride as much as was possible. While I was pleased my surrogate son finally had a companion of his age, I could not bring myself to listen to their incessant chatter for even one additional second.
But when I turned on the radio, I was met with the buzz of static and I realized, with added irritation, that Bob had failed to provide the jalopy with a bloody antenna. “That man does not recognize his own good fortune,” I grumbled.
“What are you going on about?” the warrior princess demanded.
“Were I still in my vampire form, I would dematerialize to Bob’s unimpressive establishment and drain him of his life blood. Perhaps then, he would learn to ensure that all his odious carriages include antennas!”
“Well, if you drain him of his life blood, doesn’t it follow that he’d be dead and, thus, unable to learn anything?” Chevalier asked.
Lady Bryn laughed quite hysterically at this while I merely frowned and responded, “No one asked you.”
A few moments later, we reached the footpath that would take us deep into the swamp. I pulled the hideous blue box on wheels over to the side of the road and turned off the engine, which sounded quite like a band of trombones falling down a flight of incredibly narrow stairs.
We disembarked from the revolting vehicle and began walking single-file down the footpath. As our posse made its way through the swamp that would eventually deposit us at Monsieur D’s door, I noticed a slight disturbance in the muddy waters surrounding us.
A creature, whose head and torso alone reached a length nearly seven and a half feet, slowly swam toward us, occasionally popping its head above the water for air. The arms and legs of the creature were bulky, certainly, but were above all else incredibly strong. I knew not to fear such a creature, for it was Audrey, the beautiful sister of the frog dandy. She had merely decided to greet us in her crocodile form.
Audrey’s transformation from crocodile into lovely human seemed to come as quite a surprise to Dayna, who gasped audibly. Once Audrey regained her power of speech, she chuckled at the horrified expression on Dayna’s face.
“Mademoiselle,” Audrey asked, “have you never seen a creature shift shape before?”
“Well, yes,” Dayna admitted.
“You are a werewolf, oui? Quel est votre nom?”
Dayna, much to her credit, quickly and amicably supplied an answer to her occasionally-reptilian hostess. “My name is Dayna,” the girl responded. “I’m sorry for my reaction. I’ve just—I’ve just never seen a shape-shifting alligator before.”
“Mon dieu!” Audrey responded and shook her head. “I am crocodile, mademoiselle.”
“Oh,” Dayna said, looking embarrassed. “I’m sorry.”
Audrey clapped in delight as she faced the rest of us and we all greeted her with hugs and kisses and pretty words.
The lovely shapeshifter abruptly turned to her brother after caressing Dayna’s cheek just once, as if to cement their new friendship with physical touch.
“And mon frère!” she cried with a certain amount of hope in her voice, the likes of which I had never seen Audrey display before. Clearly, something had changed—even the light in her eyes had become brighter and exuded a certain level of optimism.
“It is good to see you,” Chevalier said as he embraced his sister again. Perhaps I would be lucky and he would decide to remain with Audrey in the swamp for all eternity.
“My darling brother, you are truly the best,” gushed Audrey. “You freed me, just as you promised!”
“Freed her?” Damek repeated, seemingly lost.
“Oui!” Audrey nearly sang. “My brother freed me from my scaly prison when he made the trade with Monsieur D.”
“But weren’t you just in your crocodile form?” Damek asked, shrugging. It was an apt question, and one I had myself.
“Oui, but now I am able to travel as far from this swamp as I desire. I can control the reptile within me entirely at my own discretion,” she continued breathlessly. “I now have opportunities I never did before! Perhaps I shall come to Scotland,” she finished with a delightful sort of glimmer in her eye. The lady was truly happy and it was a pleasure to see.
“Well, mademoiselle,” I told her. “If you do visit Scotland, you will be heartily welcomed to Queen Jolie’s court, I can promise you.” With a charming smile, I performed a courtly bow.
“Sinjin, stop flirting with my sister,” the frog said, none too nicely.
I was about to argue for my innocence when Audrey responded.
“Mind your business, brother,” she said with a laugh. “I rather enjoy it when Monsieur Sinclair flirts with me.”
Please be aware, dear reader, that I was doing nothing of the sort. I was merely being respectful and following the ledger of propriety. I glanced back at the warrior princess to see her frowning at me.
Meanwhile, Damek’s raucous laughter echoed amid the trees that stuck out of the swamp like fractured bones.
The frog appeared enraged at the idea of my developing a friendship of sorts with his sister, and my little hellion, too, seemed slightly put out. I could not help but notice an expression of jealousy graced the visage of my beloved bête noire. Had I sufficient power to make the royal princess jealous? Perhaps all was not lost in this maddening game of love.
“Now, my friends, both old and new,” Audrey continued. “Pray tell, what has transpired since I’ve seen you last! Surely you must have had many adventures, non?”
Quiet descended over the group. The heaviness of the silence reminded me of the first and last funeral I had once experienced in the earlier portion of my life, before death became meaningless to me. The event was dark, heavy, and evoked feelings
of everlasting misery: such was the silence that engulfed our group.
Audrey eventually broke the seemingly impenetrable quiet with a sigh. “I gather the things you saw were disturbing?”
The warrior princess began to recant the tale of our trials and tribulations leading up to this point. Dayna coughed loudly when her story was told, and I imagined it must have been a gruesome memory that she would rather forget.
“It seems Luce has some definite plans when it comes to my sister and her court,” Lady Bryn finished.
Audrey nodded, appearing wholly lost in her thoughts. When she spoke, her voice was low, concerned. “And what, may I ask, are these plans?”
Chevalier decided to pick up the thread at this point in the conversation. I did feel somewhat grateful to the dandy for interrupting, as I did not cherish the idea of Lady Bryn repeating the horrific plans laid by Luce, that demon of an Elemental.
“He plans to slaughter the men of the Underworld and force the women into that nightmarish breeding program only he could have come up with,” Chevalier spat. Somehow, one could even hear the grimace on the face of my romantic rival as he continued to speak. “His plans for the royal sisters are, shall we say, particularly disgusting. I’ll leave it at that.”
Audrey bit her lower lip upon hearing this devastating news. She did, however, refuse to shed a single tear, though it was plain to all present that her emotions were taking their toll.
“We must band together,” Audrey announced, her tone of voice as sharp as steel.
“Aren’t we already banded together?” Damek asked.
Audrey shook her head. “Not closely enough. Every magical creature must work as one. Luce’s ascendance to the throne would mean devastation for our kind—nothing but devastation and death!”
Chevalier, who appeared shockingly calm given the rage presented by his sister, placed an arm around her shoulders in an attempt to soothe her.
“Nothing has happened yet, Audrey,” he sensibly pointed out. But his words held the opposite effect intended, to the shock of the dandy. Audrey’s carefully-hidden temper completely boiled over at that moment.
