by HP Mallory
My little hellion began to move away from me and toward her pillow. She was likely worn out by the internal demons she fought every day. She looked at me, saying nothing, just studying me in a way she never had before. I covered her with the duvet and stood up, feeling like a mother tucking her child into bed. It was a strange feeling, to say the least.
“One last thing before I go,” I whispered. “Please, consider my words, and consider them seriously. Do not allow your fear to alienate you from the happy life that awaits you. I understand that our paths do not align in such a way, but it would harm me endlessly to see you forfeit your happiness because you believe you are not capable of being anything other than a warrior.”
Yes, it hurt me to say the words, but they were true all the same. Perhaps I had lost in the championship to win her heart—however, my advice remained sage and true.
I left a delicate kiss upon her forehead as I took my leave, confident that everything I’d said had made a sufficient impression on her.
“Thank you, Sinjin,” she said in a small voice, as I headed toward the door.
“Good night, bête noire,” I responded, then switched off the light and the room was bathed in darkness.
Chapter Twelve
Bryn
The morning revealed itself to be another day of military strategy development and physical training for all the recruits and their leaders, including myself. I didn’t have unlimited amounts of time to think about my visit from Sinjin, even though his tall physique and stunning eyes still sent shivers down my spine. I didn’t understand him sometimes. I’d figured him to be the quintessential rake, always getting his way when it came to the ladies. And, yet, the way he continued to pursue me unfailingly did definitely mean something. But what meant even more were his words.
Do not allow your fear to alienate you from the happy life that is waiting for you.
Every time I tried to argue, I couldn’t. It was incredibly frustrating to have made a decision, to have devoted myself to the protection of my sister’s kingdom at the sacrifice of my own personal happiness, and then be forced to consistently doubt that decision. But every time I considered Sinjin’s words, I found them to be true.
And what about the part where he admitted that he believed that I wasn’t interested in him the way he wanted me to be? I asked myself. That was the biggest lie, if ever I’d told one.
“Stop!” I scolded myself out loud, wondering if the fact that I was talking to myself was a sign that I was really losing it.
I impressed myself by managing to actually push Sinjin out of my mind for just a moment as I dressed in my black training uniform: black sports bra, black leggings made by Underarmour…
Sinjin had bought me the pants when I’d first arrived to Kinloch Kirk with almost no clothing at all. We weren’t on good terms then, to say the least. The truth was, I’d hated him and he hadn’t trusted me. Our relationship had come so far since then.
“Alright, self,” I grumbled, annoyed that I wasn’t as focused on the battle effort as I should have been. “You’ve got ten minutes.”
If I was being honest with myself, Sinjin’s words had done a great deal to calm me. The upcoming battle and the knowledge that there was an excellent chance that my life would end during the course of that battle—most likely rather violently—had significantly darkened my outlook on life, and my worldview on the whole.
Somehow, though, I felt I could trust Sinjin to protect me, a thought that quite possibly scared me even more than the possibility of death itself. Having been raised by Luce’s Tribe, I was fully aware that death, especially on the battlefield, was always a possibility and sometimes, even an inevitability. I had faced death many times and had seen many die over the course of the many battles I’d fought during those years. However, something I’d never done—never so much as considered doing—was depending on another person for my protection.
Members of the Tribe were taught individualism from youth. No one else was responsible for your well-being; you were the only one who cared whether or not you survived. It was so difficult to fight against the doctrine by which you were raised, to realize that everything you once believed to be true wasn’t. And that was a battle I’d been waging with myself ever since I’d arrived at Kinloch. Sinjin just seemed to make that battle all the more difficult.
And there was one more problem Sinjin raised. I’d never experienced any feelings that were even remotely, well, sexual, for lack of a better term. Suddenly, I was awash in them. Sinjin was an incredibly good-looking man with a strong magnetic pull. Besides that, I wasn’t sure I was anywhere near equipped to form a romantic bond with anyone, let alone a man as strident, bossy—there were somehow too many and not enough adjectives to describe Sinjin, but none perfectly touched on what I wanted to highlight: That quality of his that drove me crazy, utterly and totally so.
When I thought about it carefully, I realized no one in my childhood had ever shown me love, especially romantic love between two adults. And as for sexual feelings? Ha! Members of the Tribe were not allowed to admit to even the existence of normal sexual urges, let alone acknowledge them in a healthy, mature way. The only way Elementals in my Tribe were ever so much as permitted to even think about having sex was if they happened to be placed in a pair bond.
A pair bond was a group of two Elementals—one male, one female—hand-selected by Luce, chosen for the traits each bore that would complement those traits borne by the other. They would copulate solely for the purpose of having children. No mention of healthy, human pleasure was ever mentioned in reference to the pair-bond process. It was exclusively for the benefit of the Tribe, so it could increase in numbers and continue its mission.
Of course, it didn’t occur to me how truly twisted this process was until after I had left the Tribe for Kinloch Kirk. Now, it seemed like some horror-movie twist on a genetics research experiment—especially the part where Luce had every right and power to decide who would pair-bond with whom among the Elementals.
But those pair bonds had been completely done away with in honor of Luce’s new breeding program. As bad as I’d had it growing up in Luce’s world, it was now significantly worse.
Being imprisoned and forced to serve as a breeder in Luce’s hybrid program really had affected me, whether I wanted to admit it or not. I still suffered from frequent nightmares, though not every night, and I still had no framework for what a healthy romantic and sexual relationship between two adults might look like.
I paused for a moment and reconsidered that last statement. Actually, I had been fortunate enough to be able to see a role model of a healthy romantic and sexual relationship between two adults. Jolie’s marriage to Rand seemed to be incredibly happy. They were deeply in love with one another and their relationship had resulted in the birth of a beautiful baby girl, my beloved niece Princess Emma.
I didn’t know if I, myself, could ever be in a relationship as supportive and as perfect as the marriage between my sister and her devoted husband. A love like that might soften me, I feared, and make me a less vicious warrior. And my first obligation is to protect the Underworld, I reminded myself with a harshness that felt particularly sharp. I didn’t have time for these sorts of thoughts. The battle was coming, and to think of anything other than military strategy and battle tactics was a waste of my time and mental energy.
I needed to get back to where I was supposed to be: focused on the upcoming war, military strategy, and training the recruits as quickly as possible so they’d be useful in battle. I didn’t know how to re-focus, though, especially when my mind was so easily tempted to wander off into daydreaming about Sinj—nope, I wasn’t even going to let myself think his name right now, because I had other things to do.
Suddenly, the solution to regain my focus on the things that were actually important came to me. I needed to remind myself why winning the upcoming war was so important. I needed to refresh my memory as to what was motivating me to dedicate myself so completely t
o being the best protector Kinloch Kirk and its people could hope for—which was, in large part, the love I had for my sister and her daughter, Emma.
***
“Bryn! Hi! I’m so glad you’re here,” exclaimed my sister.
“I feel like, in the time we were gone on that scouting mission, Emma has gotten twice as big,” I said, examining my tiny niece in that way protective aunts do.
Emma made eye contact with me from her baby-sized chair and giggled. The azure blue of the princess’s eyes was only outdone by the occasional gold or silver speck in her irises.
“I’m just giving her a bit of play time before I have to meet with Odran and Varick about strategic planning,” Jolie explained, and smiled at me as if to say she wasn’t looking forward to the upcoming discussion.
“Can’t say I envy you that,” I said with a laugh.
“They aren’t so bad.”
“Odran isn’t so bad, but I can’t say I trust Varick as far as I can throw him.”
Jolie nodded. “Probably smart.” Then she took a deep breath and eyed me suspiciously. “So, I have a feeling you came to visit for a reason?”
I laughed. “Can’t I just want to say hello to my sister and niece?”
“Well, yes, of course, but you have the expression of someone troubled.”
I nodded. “I feel like that’s my constant expression these days.”
“Is it Sinjin or Dureau who’s causing your unease?”
“Sinjin.”
“I figured,” she replied with a laugh. “That vampire is patient, I’ll give him that.”
“I don’t understand it,” I told her, shaking my head.
“He’s in love with you,” Jolie responded. “What’s more to understand?”
“Sometimes I think he is but—”
“He’s completely and totally in love with you, Bryn. There’s nothing to think. It just is. The question is whether you return his affections.”
“But that’s really not the question, Jolie,” I argued. She looked at me like she wasn’t following. “I do have feelings for Sinjin. Obviously, I do, I’d be blind or crazy or both if I didn’t. I mean, to know Sinjin is to have feelings for him on some level.”
“Well put.”
“But…”
She smiled encouragingly. “But you also have feelings for Dureau?”
“Well, yes, but they aren’t to the same degree as the feelings I have for Sinjin,” I admitted, and the words surprised me—I’d never really been sure how I felt for both of the men in my life.
“So, what’s the issue?”
“The issue is that I wasn’t raised to understand men or relationships. This is completely new territory to me. And, furthermore, we’re in a time of war.”
“Which we probably always will be.”
I nodded. “Sinjin raised that same point.”
“It’s a good one,” she said gently.
“Right, but the battle we’re about to face is a crucial one. And it could mean life or death for any and everyone.”
“So, what’s your point?”
“My point is that I don’t have time, right now, to worry about love and romance. My attention should be completely dedicated to the battle that’s around the corner. And every time I’m firm in this decision, Sinjin throws me off again.”
She laughed softly. “He’s good at doing that.”
“Isn’t he worried about the battle? Doesn’t he see how crucial it is that we focus on strategy, rather than subjects of the heart?”
Jolie cocked her head to the side as she considered my question. “I don’t think Sinjin believes this war is going to be as difficult as you seem to think. He’s fairly sure that we have nothing to worry about, because we have you.”
“But that’s just it!” I nearly yelled, and had to forcibly calm myself down. “What if the Flame isn’t a match for Luce? Everyone seems to think it’s stronger than he is, but what if it isn’t?”
“Then it isn’t,” she said simply, “and we defeat Luce based on the fact that we have the better army and we’re fighting for the better cause.”
“When you say it like that, it all sounds so simple.”
“Well, you have to believe, right? And I believe in you and I believe in Sinjin and I believe in my people.”
I nodded, smiling at her. “You’re a good queen.”
“And you still are at odds with yourself.”
I laughed. “I can’t keep anything from you, can I?” Then, I took a deep breath. “Sinjin said I’m afraid of allowing myself to feel and understand love with a man. I think he mistakenly believes that I don’t want to feel those things with and for him.”
“So un-mistake him.”
I looked at her askance. “Is that even a word?”
She shrugged. “If it wasn’t, it is now.”
“I don’t know, Jolie,” I said on another sigh. “Things are… complicated, to say the least.”
“Well, let’s un-complicate things,” replied Jolie with a grin, sitting on the ground and pulling Princess Emma onto her lap. “Let’s talk things out and see if we get anywhere.”
I didn’t have a better solution. Maybe letting my sister know what I was thinking would help—nothing else seemed to be doing the trick. I decided to take her up on her offer.
“Well, I have feelings for Sinjin.”
Jolie laughed, surprising me. “Bryn, tell me something I don’t know.”
“These feelings aren’t like anything I’ve ever experienced before. You know my upbringing. We didn’t have romance or relationships, or anything that two healthy adults outside of the Tribe might share together,” I explained, my words beginning to jumble together as emotions started to pour out of me.
“Yes, I know.”
“I don’t know how to handle it, Jolie! I mean, how am I supposed to deal with these types of feeling towards a man? And Sinjin is… he’s so good-looking, and strong, and protective. He’s everything a normal woman could ever want.”
“True, but?”
“But I’m not a normal woman! I honestly don’t know how to control myself or my feelings anymore.” I paused for a second, but then realized there was more. Yes, my life certainly had grown complicated.
“Maybe it’s not about controlling the way you feel? Maybe you just need to let your feelings out and follow them?”
“It makes so much sense when you put it like that.”
“Well?”
“Well, then there’s the way I feel about Dureau. I know Sinjin thinks he’s a dandy and a frog and whatever, but I know him better than Sinjin does. Dureau was the only happy part of my childhood. He gave me something to look forward to, even if only when I was dreaming. And I have a connection with him that I don’t think I could ever duplicate with anyone else, because it’s based on our shared history. He knows things about me that no one else knows.”
“And he’s handsome, too,” my sister added with a wink.
“Yes, he is. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to have a bit of a crush on him,” I blurted out, suddenly feeling the need to defend myself. What kind of a woman had feelings for two men at once? Who was I becoming?
“It’s not unreasonable at all,” Jolie responded firmly.
“None of it matters, though. I don’t know if I’m cut out for love.”
I sat down in a heap on the floor next to my sister and Emma, who had started to make those toddler-mumble noises we all found so adorable. I looked up at the ceiling and reminded myself that there was a very real chance I might die in the upcoming battle, further eliminating any point in me trying to find love or develop a romantic relationship with anyone. I kept my eyes trained on the ceiling during those thoughts, though—I didn’t want my sister to see my expression and get any ideas about reading my mind, as those weren’t thoughts of which she needed to be aware.
“Okay, Bryn,” said Jolie after a heavy, minute-long pause. “There’s a lot going on here. Honestly, a lot of it sounds lik
e it comes from the way you see yourself—who you are, your place in society, what you’re capable of doing.”
“Okay.”
“It really seems like you still see yourself the way Luce wanted you to see yourself: as a soldier, and nothing more. And that’s just not true. Yes, you may be an incredible warrior, who has demonstrated bravery and strength unparalleled by anyone else on the battlefield. But that’s just one dimension of your character and of who you are as an entire person! Stop seeing yourself exclusively as a warrior—that’s Luce-inspired thinking. You’re multi-dimensional. You’re caring. You’re smart. There’s so much to you, Bryn, and you deserve love, whether you believe it now or not,” she finished.
It seemed she had just as many thoughts on my situation as I did.
Jolie pulled me into a long, tight hug, which gave me the perfect opportunity to bury my face in her shoulder and avoid looking at her as my eyes began to tear up, if only a little. She finally let go, at which point we went back to playing with Emma.
It was a great way to spend an hour, but I eventually excused myself and left the adorable mother-daughter pair to their own devices. I needed some time alone in the forest bordering Kinloch, if only just to clear my head.
Chapter Thirteen
Bryn
I walked out through Kinloch’s doors, onto the green grass surrounding the manor house. Soon, I found myself wandering deeper and deeper into the forest, until I almost hoped I wouldn’t be able to find my way out. I wouldn’t have to deal with my feelings regarding Dureau and Sinjin if I became a hermit who lived in the woods and never saw them again, I told myself, only half-joking.
“What a surprise to run into you,” a voice called out from the darkness.
It took me a second to recognize it as Dureau’s.
“What are you doing out here?” I asked.
As he came within full view, I took a moment to admire his handsome face.
