by HP Mallory
“What?”
“Looming over me. If we’re going to have a conversation, then let’s do it at eye level.”
I smiled as I dropped to my haunches once again, and did a fine job of balancing upon my toes. “How is this?” I asked her with a smile.
“Better.”
“Very good. Now, explain.”
She sighed. “My life would be significantly easier if I just chose the path of the warrior.”
“Perhaps, yet it would also be quite a lonely, if not uninteresting, existence.”
“Maybe, but if I didn’t have to think about things like… you, I wouldn’t have to face emotions that are so foreign to me. Half the time, I can’t understand the things I’m feeling. And it becomes so difficult to face them, let alone process them.” She glanced down at her hands, which were folded in her lap, and began to steeple her fingers together. “I crawl into this shell where I feel protected and safe.” She sighed again, her expression appearing as though she were miles away. When she faced me again, a sad smile turned up the corners of her mouth. “And then you bust that shell open again, like you’ve continued to do since I met you.”
“And what do you suppose that tells you, my pet?”
“I don’t know what it’s supposed to tell me, but it bothers me a lot.”
“And why is that?”
“Because I don’t want to have feelings for you!” she cried and threw her hands into the air. “I don’t want to be attracted to you! I don’t want to get jealous when you show interest in another woman.”
I smiled and reached for her hands, placing them back on her thighs and keeping them there with my own. “And yet you do.”
“Yet I do,” she agreed with a short nod, dropping her attention to our hands. “And I hate myself for it.”
“Hating yourself will do no one any good,” I said and took her chin, tilting it upward so she could not avoid my gaze. “Perhaps it is time to allow the emotional side of you to grow?” I suggested. She looked up at me with wide eyes. “No matter what you do, my dear, you will not be able to force this side of you away, for it is as much a part of you as is the warrior.”
“I’ve tried,” she confessed. “I’ve tried so hard.”
“I know.”
“And I continue to fail. Every time I think I’ve got my feelings under control, something happens to prove that I’m completely wrong.” Her voice sounded pained and frustrated.
I raised an eyebrow. “And you will continue to fail because you are denying yourself, my pet. Your feelings and emotions are what make you… you.” She exhaled as she nodded, as though she agreed with my words but pitied them all the same. “Perhaps it is now time to embrace this side of you. Rather than continuing to fight it, allow it to prosper—bring it to the forefront and face the fears you have so desperately tried to hide.”
“I’m afraid, Sinjin.”
“Of what?”
“Of getting hurt.” She refused to face me.
“My dear, look at me,” I insisted and her big blue eyes reluctantly met mine. “Why do you believe you will be hurt?”
“Because, look at you!” She shook her head as though my question were foolish. “Everyone knows what a playboy you are and always have been! Women take one look at you and give you whatever you want.”
“Well, that is debatable,” I argued. “Take you, for example.”
“I don’t count, because I’ve been fighting my feelings for you this entire time.”
“Very well. Carry on.”
She smiled at my impertinence and shook her head. “Of all the men in Kinloch Kirk, you are probably the worst pick.” I began to argue, but she silenced me with her index finger to my mouth. “If you want to know the truth, Dureau is probably a much better candidate. Much safer, at least.”
I narrowed my eyes. “I do not agree with that drivel for one second.”
“I know, but that’s just because you can’t stand Dureau.”
“I can stand him, I just choose not to.”
“Think about your reputation and think about his,” she pointed out with a coy smile. “And tell me, honestly, who would make the safer bet.”
I considered her comment for a few seconds, looking outside the window as I did so. When I returned my gaze to hers, I held it steadfastly. “Undoubtedly I would.”
She shook her head and laughed. “Some things never change.”
“You wrong me, my dear,” I started, spearing her attention once more. “You judge me for a reputation I have engendered over the years, yes, but you fail to take into account my reputation of late. And you fail to take into account the consistent interest I have shown you. You also fail to account for the multiple acts of heroism and bravery I have displayed in your honor.” She nodded, clearly lost in her own thoughts. “I have had my fair share of women, undoubtedly,” I added in a much softer voice. “Well, more than my fair share, if I am to be honest.”
“Sinjin,” she warned, frowning up at me.
“Right.” I gave a clipped nod. “But my life has felt empty in a way I have struggled to explain. Yes, I have enjoyed the numerous nameless and faceless women who have graced my bed over the many many years, but now I desire more than that. I have desired more than that. I need more than that.”
“What do you need?” she asked as she held my gaze, her voice breathless.
“I need… you,” I whispered back. We continued to stare at one another, each of us ensnared by the other, unable to break the bonds of our eyes.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Bryn
My heart was pounding.
Beads of sweat had broken out along my forehead, and I felt hot and clammy and altogether uncomfortable.
“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted, my voice coming out whispery. I thought back to Audrey from the night before. She’d seemed so sure of herself, so comfortable to be in a similar situation with Sinjin. Yes, I instantly felt jealousy welling up within me, but there was something more, something stronger. I felt… stupid.
“Stop fighting your feelings and allow them to progress naturally and uninterrupted,” Sinjin advised as he brought his face down, closer to mine, until only an inch or so of air separated us. And, instantly, all those feelings of inadequacy dissolved as if they’d never been. All that mattered was Sinjin, and the way he looked at me.
“I’m afraid,” I confessed, and even though I wanted nothing more than to hide from the force of his ice blue eyes, I couldn’t. Instead, I continued to gaze up at him as he stared right back at me and I inhaled his breath as much as he inhaled mine.
“The time for fear is over,” he announced. I felt his hand on my cheek, but my eyes were riveted to his mouth. His lips looked so soft and I suddenly needed to taste them, to taste his tongue.
“Sinjin, will you…” I started, but then lost my nerve.
“Will I what?” he insisted. His lips were so close and yet he refused to kiss me, even though I was more than sure he knew that was exactly what I wanted. I just couldn’t tear my gaze away from his mouth.
“Will you…” The words faltered again, but his sharp eyes forced them back to my tongue. “Make love to me,” I finished and then gulped, suddenly afraid he’d deny me like he had the evening before. And if he did, I wasn’t sure how I’d come back from it. Yes, last night had been embarrassing, but if it happened again… embarrassing wouldn’t even describe it.
His expression didn’t change and I wasn’t sure what he was going to say, let alone what he might be thinking. He didn’t say anything for the span of two seconds and the silence was almost deafening. My heart continued to rampage through me and I was scared to death of whatever was going to come out of his mouth.
“I will make love to you on one condition,” he said finally. His words were soft, but the expression in his eyes was hard, demanding.
“What?” I could barely respond.
“That you do not regret it.”
I inhaled deeply through my
nose, reveling in his fresh, masculine scent. “I won’t regret it,” I whispered. “I swear.”
“If we do this,” he continued and his breath fanned out against my cheeks, making me wish I could close my eyes and breathe him in as deeply as I could. I wanted to take all of him within me—his body, his breath, his spirit, everything. “Things will not be the same between us.”
“I know.” I nodded, because there was truth behind his words. And that truth was reverberating through me, forcing me to sober to the fact that things never would be the same after tonight. “I understand and I’m fine with it,” I finished, wanting to convince him.
He rubbed the pad of his thumb across my cheek.
“And what of Chevalier?”
I swallowed hard as soon as I thought of Dureau. Yes, I did still have feelings for him. It would be silly to try to convince myself otherwise. But as I looked up into Sinjin’s eyes and took in the lines of his face, I realized my feelings for Dureau could never compete with what I felt for Sinjin. “I would find some… way to tell him.”
“Tell him what?” Sinjin demanded.
“I’d… discourage his feelings for me.”
Sinjin shook his head, his expression stern, unyielding. “If I make love to you, I make you mine,” he said, his eyes piercing. There was no doubt, no question in his words or in his eyes.
I struggled to subdue the butterflies that suddenly overwhelmed my stomach. “I understand,” I said, and I did understand. Even though there was a part of me that was still beyond frightened and rebelled against everything Sinjin was saying, I refused to allow that to interfere. Sinjin was right: it was time I gave equal opportunity to all parts of my personality and addressed all of my needs—even the emotional ones that scared the shit out of me.
Regardless, I wanted this and I’d wanted it for a while. Now that the time had come, there was no way I was going to chicken out. I would face my own fears and I would defeat them.
“But is that what you want?” Sinjin continued. “Do you want to be mine?”
I was quiet for a few seconds as I considered what it would mean to have this man, to be one with him, to know I could rely on him. He was asking me for a relationship. That much was clear and, yes, I was afraid. Yes, there was a good part of me that wanted to pull away and seek shelter within my hard shell. But I wouldn’t allow that to happen. Not when I’d gotten this far.
I wouldn’t back down now.
“Yes,” I whispered.
He didn’t respond other than to smile down at me, but it was a lascivious smile, one full of naughty promises.
I closed my eyes when I felt his finger slide across my lower lip. A second or so later, his lips were on mine. His kiss was slow and delicate. At the feel of his tongue breaking the seal of my mouth, I eagerly opened my lips and met it with mine. I don’t know how long we kissed, maybe a few seconds or maybe twenty minutes. Time seemed to have no meaning to me at all.
Instead, my blood was rushing, my heart was pounding, the butterflies in my stomach were making me completely nervous, and the burning fire in my core was turning into a full conflagration. When I felt Sinjin pull away from me, I opened my eyes and found him studying me intently.
“Swear to me again that you will not regret this,” he said, clearly caught up on the subject. “I do not want to be the reason you find yourself falling into a dark pit of regret and confusion.” He silenced me before I could respond. “If there is any part of you that is uncertain if we should do this, we should not.”
I nodded as his words played through me. This was my chance to pull away, my chance to stop whatever we had between us and return to the safety of my walls. And it was the only chance I was going to get. I could see proof in his eyes; he was barely restraining himself. But, being the gentleman that he was, he was giving me this one last out. If I wanted to take it.
“I want this,” I told him, and felt the truth of my statement all the way down to my toes.
He studied me for a few more seconds before he nodded and leaned back down, ready to claim my lips again.
“Sinjin,” I added, interrupting him.
“Yes?”
“I… I want to taste you,” I admitted, surprising myself. What was more, I wanted to see him without his clothes on. I wanted to revel in the beauty of his nudity. And, it was true, I did want to taste him.
“All in good time,” he replied but I shook my head.
“No. I want to see you and taste you… now.”
“Some things do not change,” he said with a smile as he stood up. “Such as your demanding nature.” He pulled the long, white tunic over his head, revealing the muscular landscape of his chest and arms. My eyes landed on the narrow patch of black hair that traveled from beneath his belly button and disappeared into his pants. And suddenly, I wanted nothing more than to follow that path, to see him in all his unclothed beauty.
“The pants, too,” I instructed and his smile grew.
I didn’t say anything more as I watched him unbutton his pants and slide them down his thighs. He wore nothing beneath them and his cock sprang forth, hard and long. I felt my breath catch in my throat and the butterflies in my stomach tripled. I couldn’t take my eyes away from his erection. It was just so… so big.
“Can I touch you?” I asked, sounding awestruck, which immediately embarrassed me.
Sinjin chuckled. “You never need to ask permission, my pet.”
“All of this is still new to me,” I started, almost apologizing even though I wasn’t sure if I should.
“Shh.” He smiled down at me. “I understand. There is no need to doubt yourself around me, Bryn. We are beyond that, are we not?”
I nodded, overcome with gratitude. Something about Sinjin put me at ease. Even though I was completely and totally out of my element, Sinjin would never allow me to feel that way. And for that, I was appreciative.
I dropped off the bed and onto my knees, kneeling in front of him. My eyes were fastened to his erection and I reached up, gripping him. As soon as I touched him, he moaned.
“What do I do?” I asked as I glanced up, needing to understand how best to please him. I felt stupid and awkward again. But as soon as he smiled at me, the feelings washed away. Sinjin would never judge me, and that realization freed me.
“Move your hand up and down, like this,” he suggested as he wrapped his hand around himself and showed me how to pleasure him. Seeing him touch himself was one of the most erotic things I’d ever experienced. The more I watched him, the more turned on I became. I felt my breath catch and the stinging between my legs amplified tenfold.
“Let me,” I said and shifted his hand, wrapping my own fingers around his shaft. I started gliding my hand along his erection, just as he’d shown me. All the while, I watched as his fangs lengthened and he threw his head back. I continued, up and down, loving the feel of his thickness between my fingers. If it was possible, he grew even harder. He began to pump his hips in time with my strokes, and wetness started to drip from the tip of his erection. I scooted closer to him and stopped moving my hand. He opened his eyes and glanced down at me, watching as I gripped him and opened my mouth, guiding him into me. When I closed my lips around him, he moaned and resumed pumping his hips as I slid my mouth along his shaft, loving the feel and taste of him.
The stinging between my thighs soon began to throb until I couldn’t ignore it. I released him and took a few deep breaths as I tried to prepare myself for what was going to come next. I had never known physical love from a man before and images of what had happened to me at Luce’s camp began to push against the barricade in my mind, trying to force their way through.
I clenched my eyes shut and felt Sinjin’s arms curl around me unexpectedly, pulling me up to my feet. When I opened my eyes, I found him gazing down at me with an expression of absolute adoration and concern. Even though he didn’t have access to my mind, I felt like he was reading my thoughts all the same. The horrible images from the camp bled away unti
l all I could focus on was Sinjin and his ice-blue eyes.
“I will never hurt you, Bryn,” he whispered, as if he were well aware of the thoughts that had just threatened me.
“I know,” I responded and smiled at him.
We looked at each other for a few seconds before he lifted me into his arms and laid me down on his bed as gently as if I were a prized family heirloom.
“If you need me to stop, I will stop,” he assured me.
I just nodded, knowing there was no way I was going to tell him to stop. Not when I wanted him as much as I did. This encounter had been a long, long time coming, and now that the moment was here, I wouldn’t stop it for anything.
He sat beside me, staring down at me as he ran his fingers along my neck and past my collarbone until he paused at my nipples, rolling them between his fingers as they hardened. He released them, then moved his fingers down my stomach, pausing again—this time, at the junction of my thighs. I felt his index finger perched just above my opening.
“Please,” I pleaded.
A warm chuckle sounded from his mouth before he pushed slightly, allowing the tip of his finger to enter me. I felt myself open to him, spreading my legs as far as they would go as I arched up, throwing my head back.
“You are so wet, my little tempest,” he whispered as he pushed his finger into me even deeper and I moaned in response.
“Please, Sinjin,” I begged, needing him inside me. “Please stop teasing me.”
He chuckled again. “I wish to taste you, my pet.”
“No,” I argued.
“No?” he repeated, clearly amused.
I shook my head and looked at him, leaning up on my elbows. “I want you inside of me… please, Sinjin. Now.”
He continued to gaze at me with a smirk curling his lips, but after another few seconds he positioned himself between my legs. I could feel his head right at my opening. He pushed forward a bit, just enough to make me arch against him but not enough to enter me.
I opened my eyes and found him still staring at me. “Please,” I whispered again.
“I want you to know something, my pet.” He pinned my hands to the bed, above my head. Our faces were separated by an inch of air.
