by Ella Miles
My eyes widen. I glance over at Carter, giving him a this bitch is crazy look, as Lily fumbles with the DVD player.
I’ll handle it, Carter mouths to me.
I roll my eyes. There is no way he is going to figure a way out of this. Whatever I missed last night made Lily completely smitten with Carter. He was either too good of an actor or…I can’t think of the alternative. As much as I thought I could stop this before I had any true feelings for Carter, it’s impossible. I’ve had feelings since we were kids. Kissing Carter, letting him touch me, fuck me made my feelings that much stronger.
“There,” Lily says, proud of herself, as the video begins playing. She quickly fast-forwards through the part of the interview where she fell apart.
I should have let the bitch burn out there, I think as I keep my distance. I don’t want to see her pretend to be dating my boyfriend.
Boyfriend.
He’s not my boyfriend. Not even close. But, right now, I want nothing more than to walk across this room, grab his neck, and show Lily what a real kiss looks like between two people who actually care about each other.
She presses play as she holds out her hand to Carter. I watch his hand. I watch him hesitate for the tiniest of milliseconds, considering holding her hand. It’s unfair of me to judge him so closely. I probably even made it up. I’m just torturing myself.
Carter takes a seat at the table near the TV that one of Lily’s assistants must have brought in, but he doesn’t take her hand. Lily drops her hand with a hint of disappointment on her pursed lips as she leans against the table, ensuring that she can be as close to Carter as humanly possible. I stay standing near the door. I might as well not even be here.
I try to pretend like I don’t care. That whatever happens on the TV won’t affect me. I know who Carter really wants. Me. Nothing else matters.
But, as they begin speaking, telling stories from high school that I know to be true, it feels less like pretend and more like a real thing between them.
“Give her a kiss,” the host says.
My heart sinks. It’s just a kiss, but it’s a kiss before millions of people on national TV. Something that I can never have. At least, not anytime soon.
I find my legs bringing me forward to watch what is happening on the screen as the crowd eggs them on, wanting them to show their affection in front of them. I walk until I’m standing only a foot from the TV.
I watch as the host asks again for them to kiss, knowing that she’s given the crowd enough time to get excited about the two of them. I watch as Carter leans over to Lily and kisses her. I watch his eyes close. I watch his tongue push into her mouth. I watch his hands tangle in her hair. I watch him kiss her like I don’t exist.
I don’t. It was a lie. I just thought Lily and the world were the ones being lied to, not me.
“That was a genuine kiss, wasn’t it, Victoria?” Lily asks.
I nod because my throat is far too dry to speak.
“See? Victoria agrees. We should be together, Carter. Look at us on the screen. We look great together. If I remember correctly, the sex was amazing,” Lily says, inching her way toward Carter.
I can’t listen to this anymore, or I’m going to vomit or scream or wring both of their necks for letting me get involved in this mess between the two of them.
“I’m going to give you two a minute to figure out whatever is going on between you. I’ll be back in a half hour or so to figure out what the plan is,” I say, walking toward the door.
Carter pops up, running until he beats me to the door. “Stay.”
I shake my head. “You two have plenty that you need to work out.”
“Victoria,” he says my name.
One word, but I can tell everything he is feeling. Pain, scared, need, lust, sorry. All the feelings I need him to feel.
I scoot past him, walking out the door, telling him how I feel without a word. Betrayed.
I keep walking until I exit the building, until fresh air hits my face. I take a deep breath as I stand outside, able to really think for the first time all day. I’ll take a walk. Just circle the block a couple of times. Give Carter a chance to talk to Lily.
And then, when I come back, he can talk to me.
I walk briskly, trying to get as much of my frustration and pain out as possible. But walking quickly doesn’t help.
I try to reason with myself. I convince myself that their kiss meant nothing. It was just Carter acting, that he wants me, not Lily.
I try distracting myself. I think about Sailor, Amber, my mom. I have hardly talked to any of them since coming here.
I pull out my phone and dial Amber’s cell. Sailor isn’t out of school yet, but I can call and just check on my sister. I’ll call Sailor later in the day.
“Hi,” Sailor’s meek voice answers the phone.
“Sailor, what are you doing home from school? Are you sick or playing hooky?” I tease, happy. Whatever reason my niece is home, it means I get to talk to her for a few minutes, lighting up my day.
“Amber didn’t drive me to school.”
My heart sinks. “What do you mean? Sailor, can you put Amber on the phone? I’ll talk to you again in a second, I promise. I have a funny story to tell you about an old high school friend of mine.”
“I can’t. She’s asleep.”
My heart stops. All my worst fears start flying through my head. That something happened to Amber. She committed suicide. She overdosed. She finally gave up.
“Okay, Sailor. I need to hang up a minute to call Grandma, and then I’ll call you right back, okay?”
“Okay.”
I reluctantly end the call and dial my mom’s number. I give her all the details, and she promises to call 911 and get over there ASAP. But I have to sit here, hopeless. Because I can fix everyone’s problems but my own family’s.
I shake my head. I can fix my family’s problems. I just can’t fix my own problems.
I pull up an airline website on my phone and book the next one home. I start walking back to my rental car when Carter ducks out of the building, grabbing on to me.
“I have to talk to you,” Carter says.
“I need to talk to you, too,” I say even though I don’t have time for this conversation. “But it needs to wait.”
Carter puts his finger to my lips. “No, it can’t wait. I need you to know how incredibly sorry I am. Both of those kisses back there meant nothing. I feel nothing for Lily. Not even the tiniest of sparks compared to what I feel with you.”
I smile weakly, trying to pretend I care about his words right now when all I can think about is Sailor and Amber.
“Are you listening to me? I want you, not Lily. I want you, Victoria. I’m sorry about all this mess, but I’m not really dating Lily. It’s all a lie. It’s all pretend. Lily understands that now. That all we will ever do is hold hands and pretend to be in love and occasionally kiss, although I will try to prevent that at all costs. That woman kisses like I imagine a lizard would.”
I zone him out. I can’t hear his words. Only focusing on the fact that my family needs me.
“Victoria?”
I don’t answer. I just think about if I have time to stop by Logan’s to pack or if I should go straight to the airport.
“Victoria?”
I probably should just go straight to the airport.
Carter grabs my neck and waist as he kisses me. I’m caught off guard, but he’s desperate to give me everything with this kiss, and slowly, I let him into my world of pain. I let him know how scared I am. As our tongues dance together, I tell him that I like him, too.
He slowly breaks away. “What’s wrong?” he asks.
I shake my head and stay in his arms for a second longer. If I tell him what’s going on, I’ll start crying, and then he’ll insist on coming with me. But he can’t. He needs to stay here, and I have to go.
“I just have to go. Tell Lily that I quit. That a family thing came up.”
And then I wa
lk away from what I know is a man I could love with every fiber of my being. I just don’t know if he will still be waiting for me when I get back from fixing my family.
12
Carter
I should have run after Victoria.
I should have chased her down and forced her to talk to me. Or just followed her until she was ready to tell me what was going on.
But I didn’t.
I let her go. And, now, I don’t know what’s going on. Is this the end? Is she coming back?
The hug and kiss she gave me before she left sure didn’t feel like the end. It felt like the beginning. It felt like she needed me, but then she just left.
The door to the apartment opens, and I jump off the couch I’ve been sitting on most of the afternoon, waiting for Victoria to come back. All of her stuff is still here, so she must be coming back soon.
“Victoria, I’m sorry,” I say, running to the door.
Logan raises an eyebrow at me as he enters. “Why are you apologizing to my sister?”
I rub the back of my neck. “Because I fucked up.”
Logan walks past me toward the kitchen. He opens the fridge, staring at it.
“Aren’t you going to kill me for hurting your sister?” I ask reluctantly.
He slams the door shut with anger and rage I was expecting. I know he is going to hit me, and I deserve it. I should never have agreed to date Lily while being with Victoria. Even on a pretend basis. I knew it would eventually hurt her.
“No.”
“No?”
He shakes his head. “You might have fucked up, but I’ve always thought you and Victoria were meant for each other. I think you would make each other better.”
I frown. “I hurt her pretty bad. I deserve to be punched or at least thrown out of your apartment or something.”
“You’re probably right. But, lucky for you, I’m not looking for a fight today.”
That’s when I realize that the look on Logan’s face isn’t just rage and anger. It’s fear and sadness. Victoria had a similar look before she left.
“What’s going on? Victoria just upped and left today, and I have no idea where she is going or when she’s coming back.”
“She’s not coming back.”
“Then, where is she? I’ll go to her.”
Logan’s head drops. “Come get a drink with me. I don’t have shit in this apartment. Then, maybe I won’t end up killing you.”
“So, what did you do to piss off my sister?” Logan asks after the bartender gives us our beers.
“I made a kiss between me and my pretend girlfriend a little too believable.”
Logan laughs. “I really should kick your ass.”
I shrug and take a drink of my beer.
“I would, but I don’t think Victoria is mad at you because of that.”
I raise an eyebrow.
“Okay, I’m sure she isn’t happy that you kissed another woman even though it was needed to pull off her stupid scheme. I just mean that she has a lot more important things going on right now.”
“And that is?”
“Our sister, Amber, is sick. She has depression. But our idiot mother made it worse by giving her some of her prescription pain killers. Amber overdosed.”
“I’m sorry.”
Logan takes another long drink of his beer. “Thanks. I just wish I could do more. I can’t take off work. I’m horrible with kids. Well, beyond the fun play stuff, I don’t know how to actually take care of a kid.”
I remember now that Amber has a daughter. I’ve only met her a couple of times when she was a baby.
“Sailor’s amazing, and Amber is great with her when she’s well. When the depression takes over again, Victoria always comes in and saves the day. She’s lost jobs because of it. Between losing her jobs and getting fired for things out of her control, Victoria has had a hard time with living the life she wants. She usually has to pick up other random jobs just to pay the bills. Her last company made me think it was finally going to make her life work, but then they fired her for no reason. She just can’t catch a break.”
Realization hits me of where I factor in all of this. I didn’t realize what I was doing. I didn’t realize I was hurting Victoria. But, now, my problems with Lily seem small.
“What are Victoria’s plans now?”
“She checked Amber into a place to help her heal. It will take a few months at least. Our mother isn’t much help. So, Victoria will probably stay with Sailor in San Francisco and try to find another job. She’ll survive, just like she always does. I’ll fly there any chance I can get and send any extra money I make to help out, but it’s never really much help.”
“What about her stuff? What about her job?”
“I’ll ship her stuff. And job? I thought she said she quit.”
“She told me to tell Lily that she quit. I didn’t tell her though. I just said she was sick and needed to go home. I told Lily I had some other work things I needed to address and then got out of there as soon as I could to wait for Victoria.”
“You need to tell Lily that Victoria quit. She won’t come back. She won’t pull Sailor out of school or take her away from Amber. She will stay in San Francisco even if she can’t find another PR job. She will do everything that she can to fix our family’s problems.”
I think for a minute, hating that I have to be so far away from Victoria. I don’t know when I will be able to see her again. And I know one thing; I can’t live without her. I love her. I think I’ve always been in love with her. I just thought I couldn’t love her. That she was all wrong for me.
My mind flashes back to my favorite memory of her. We must have been twelve, maybe thirteen.
“Logan,” I hiss, poking him in the ribs.
His hand swats me. “Go away. I’m sleeping.”
I sigh. It’s not even ten o’clock on a Saturday. There is no way he is sleeping. And I can’t fall asleep.
I get up from the couch in the basement and head upstairs. Maybe his mom made some food. I walk into the kitchen and open the fridge, but there is no food.
I sigh. So much for that plan.
Music? My ears perk up at the sound of music coming from upstairs.
I creep up the stairs as I listen to the music getting louder along with Tori’s voice. I haven’t ever heard her sing before, and maybe she will offer me some level of entertainment.
I walk to her door and listen as she belts out Spice Girls. She’s horrible, but I don’t care. It’s amusing actually, how she can sing so confidently. I guess it’s because she doesn’t think anyone is here.
I throw the door open, planning on embarrassing her. But she doesn’t get embarrassed. Her cheeks don’t flush, and she doesn’t scream in fear.
Instead, she just rolls her eyes at me and keeps on singing into her hairbrush.
I frown. So much for entertainment.
“Sing with me,” she says, tossing me a hairbrush.
“No. It’s stupid, and you’re horrible.”
“So? It’s fun.”
She keeps singing and dancing around the room like a crazy person while I stand, frozen in my spot, with wide eyes.
“You’re crazy.”
“You’re boring.”
She walks over to me until she is standing inches away from me. She lowers her hairbrush and says, “Sing and dance with me, or I’m going to kiss you.”
“What? Why?”
“Because you don’t want me to kiss you. Now, sing and dance with me.”
I frown. “I don’t know the words.”
“Then, make them up.” She grabs my hand and pulls me into the center of her bedroom.
She starts dancing again, and I start flapping my arms around.
She smiles. “See? That isn’t so hard.”
She grabs my hands and spins us around as we dance. As we spin, my world changes. The way she smiles and makes me smile changes everything. Because, for a split second, I wish I had taken the other option. O
r at least said both. Because, right now, there is nothing more I want to do than kiss Tori.
I didn’t let myself love her because I thought there was no way that she’d ever love me in return. Not after all the cruel things I had done to her. What I did just a few weeks ago is the most savage thing I have ever done. She’s going to hate me.
But maybe I’ll have a chance if she’s already in love with me. Maybe I’ll have a chance if I can find a way to fix all the problems I’ve caused.
“What if she doesn’t have to quit?” I ask with a grin.
13
Victoria
It’s three p.m. I need to leave to pick Sailor up from school. But the bills lying on the kitchen table are overwhelming me. Bills for the house. Bills for electricity and water. Bills to cover Amber’s treatment. And that doesn’t even include basic things like food and clothes for me and Sailor.
All I can see are bills. And no way to pay them.
What was I thinking, quitting?
I was thinking I needed to be here for my adorable ten-year-old niece. I was thinking that was what was most important. But it was stupid. My mom could have taken care of her for a couple of weeks. Because I can’t take care of Sailor if I don’t have any money to feed her.
I hear the doorbell ring, but I don’t move from my spot. I can’t deal with any more nosy neighbors coming to figure out what happened to Amber. I have to find a way to fix my problems. I have to find a way to make a lot of money and fast.
The doorbell rings again and then again.
I sigh. It’s probably an annoying kid. I run my hand through my hair. I can feel the tangled knots throughout my head. I haven’t showered in three days. I’ve either been at the hospital with Amber or on the phone, finding a treatment place for her, all while trying to distract Sailor from everything. Basic hygiene hasn’t been high on my list.
