“When did you fall in love with Jacqueline?” she questions for the second time.
I don’t want to tell her. I can’t tell her, it will kill her. “It wasn’t like that. I didn’t do it on purpose, Sara. It wasn’t what I wanted.” The thought of hurting her even more now starts to cripple me. I don’t want to say another word.
She turns in my lap to face me with those brilliant, knowing eyes piercing through my ugly soul. “I know, but you fell in love with her before we even met, didn’t you? You married her because you loved her. It was different than what you felt for me, right?” Her question is laced in pain.
I nod my head. “I always loved you, too,” I offer as the guilt of my actions weighs me down. “We were friends. I didn’t think we had a future. The things Jacky and I lived through made it impossible for me to not love her. I did try to pretend and not care—I tried to only think of you and us. I tried to not get attached to her, because I knew she would be taken away from me. I’m sorry. I was scared that I’d lose her and you, and I just held on to both of you.” My wretched tears haven’t ceased rolling from my eyes ever since I walked in.
“When you made love to her, did you imagine it was me?”
We’ve never spoken about this. We always pretended I didn’t have a wife and a whole life that had nothing to do with us. I came to see her almost every evening and she was my refuge.
“No,” I say honestly. “I haven’t made love to Jacky since the kids were born.”
Sara looks puzzled as she continues to question me. “Why?”
“How much sex do you think I can have? We saw each other every day. I never tried to force her. She was sick and the meds had all these hormonal side effects. Our relationship started out based on sex, but it wasn’t what kept us together. I never wanted to be a cheater, and anyway, she didn’t want us to be sexual, especially after she had the hysterectomy.”
“I didn’t know she had that surgery. You never told me,” she accuses me as if any of this makes a difference now.
“Your brother and Louis beat the shit out of me. You left for London and married Gavin, the asshole. There was nothing for me to tell you. I couldn’t even reach you,” I practically bark back at her, not sure why we’re having this conversation now. All this was years ago.
“Did you fantasize about her when you were fucking me?” Her harsh condemnatory tone makes me angry.
“Why are we having this conversation? Does it matter when all is said and done? Jacky is dead, isn’t that what you wanted?”
She gasps loudly in shock before pointing her finger at me. “I never wanted your wife dead. Don’t you ever fucking say that! I just wanted you because I somehow believed in my infantile mind that we were destined like you kept promising.” She lowers her finger and continues. “I should hate you so much, Jeffery, but I don’t. You know why? Because if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have Juliet and Jacob in my life, and I wouldn’t have found William. When I let my guard down and allowed someone other than you in, I realized that what I felt for you wasn’t the great love I’d always thought it to be. It was just my first love. I care for you so much, but it’s different than my love for him—it can’t compete or compare. Only now I can fully understand what you felt for Jacqueline, because I feel that for Liam. I could never abandon him, or choose not to be with him. I love him—only him.” She genuinely smiles when she mentions William, and it’s hard for me not to be happy seeing her eyes light up with hope.
She cups my face gently and brings her lips to mine for a kiss. Not the first kiss between lovers who haven’t seen each other in years, but a final goodbye kiss between friends. I close my eyes as I allow our lips to touch one last time. She rains sweet, familiar kisses on my lips as the bathroom door flies open with a bang and scares the shit out of us both.
I look to the side to see the security guard, who earlier escorted me with the manager in the elevator, fill the small doorway. His eyes enlarge as he spots us nestled on the floor. I look at Sara, who’s straddling me with her T-shirt riding up around her waist, practically naked, only in her underwear in my lap. The sound of the door banging against the wall behind it when the guard first stormed in caused me to pull her flush against my body while her hands still cupped my cheeks, where only a minute ago, she was kissing me goodbye.
“No, Ronny, this isn’t what it looks like.” She sounds panicked, flustered, and breathless. I see her embarrassment rise on her cheeks as she frantically tries to explain our predicament to the shocked guard. “Please, don’t say anything to him. He won’t understand. Let me tell him. It’s not what you think,” she pleads, trying unsuccessfully to remove herself from my hips.
He nods his head over and over, looking anywhere but us, clearly uncomfortable. Without saying another word, he leaves, closing the door behind him.
Once we’re alone again, she gets up, and without looking at me, she starts to shake her head slowly and smile. It’s a defeated, manic grin, and from experience, I know it’ll end with more tears. She’s afraid he’ll think we’re back together. My ego is happy, but my heart aches as I see Sara turn to me, white as a ghost and visibly in pain. She covers her mouth and begins to sob. She falls to her knees and grabs her stomach once the realization of what the guard just witnessed becomes clear to her.
“I won’t let you ruin this. You can’t ruin real love,” she yells through tears as the color drains from her face. I know I should just leave her, go away for good. She should be with the love of her life, and I need to get lost before I ruin not just her past, but her future, too.
“True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper
“Please breathe, baby. Please open your eyes.”
The ambulance is hardly moving. My bloody hands are clasped together as I try to make them stop shaking. They attempt to revive her, but all I see is dark blood everywhere. I replay everything from the moment she opened the door to let me in on constant loop in my mind. I try to figure out what happened. What did I do? Nothing bad can happen to Sara. This can’t be happening. Did I do this to her, too? Did I somehow cause this? When she dropped to her knees, I caught her before she fell. But it was too late.
“I won’t let you ruin this. You can’t ruin real love.”
“I won’t let you ruin this. You can’t ruin real love.”
“I won’t let you ruin this. You can’t ruin real love.”
I swear I would never hurt her. Why is she bleeding like this? I’ve told the medics everything I know and that she may be pregnant. I know her blood type and Rh factor and everything else a husband would know about his wife, even though she was never my wife and I will never be allowed to be her husband.
I need to call her family. How am I going to tell Eddie? I have no idea what’s happening to her, but he needs to know what’s going on. I need to find William. Where did that stupid guard disappear to after he barged in like a savage? Why wasn’t anybody there to help me get her to a hospital? It took me too long, too fucking long to get help. Oh God. Oh God. I can’t think that something bad will happen to my girl.
Please wake up, baby. Open your eyes. Don’t do this to me. You can’t go.
I look around and I don’t even know which hospital we’re in, all I know is that I’m on a stretcher giving blood. I’ve spoken to five different doctors, told them everything I know and everything I think I know. She was bleeding, her body went into shock, and they’ve taken her into surgery. Oh God. I think I may have told them she’s my wife, or maybe I just wanted to tell them that. My mind keeps shutting down. They’re contacting her family members, I think—I hope.
Please, God, take me before her.
I feel lightheaded, but I’m certain I see Louis and Emily approaching in the distance. Her best friend has her head down. When she finally looks up, she seems hysterical. Louis is holding onto Emily and appears to be livid.
I am the bad guy. I’m always to blame.
“What did you do to her?” Emily questions me in a whisper once our eye
s lock.
“Nothing. I did nothing,” I manage to expel.
“What happened? I saw her this morning and she was fine. Why is she here? You did this!” She raises her voice, pointing an accusatory finger at me.
I agree. I also think I somehow did this. I’m just not sure how, so how can I argue?
“Why are you giving blood? She doesn’t need you or your fucking blood.” Her disgusted tone and word combination pierce me. Doesn’t she know that if I could, I’d gladly give Sara all my vital organs? Doesn’t she know I’d give her every last drop of my blood? She continues to stab me with her words. “After you’ve cheated your whole life with God knows who, you want to give her your dirty blood?” Her assumptious remark wakes my incoherent head and clears through all the pain I’ve allowed to take permanent residence in my shattered soul.
“You know nothing about me, Emily. Don’t you dare say that. Don’t make what I feel for her dirty. She was the only person I was ever with besides Jacky. You and everybody else know nothing about us,” I answer with the last bit of strength I have left in me. “She lost lots of blood. She needs everybody to give blood. I think she lost the ba—” I look up at Emily as she covers her mouth and starts to cry. Maybe she doesn’t know about the baby? My eyes close, because I can’t have this conversation with her. Sara and the baby are not mine to discuss.
I pry my eyes open minutes—or hours—later. I’m alone in a cold, sterile room. My tongue is glued to the roof of my mouth as I swallow the taste of my own bile. My gaze follows the tube running from the clear bag of liquids hanging above my head to the vein in my hand. I don’t know anything for certain. I don’t know what’s left of my life except that I need to get to my children. In the end, nothing and no one else should matter but them. Jacky is gone, Sara is somewhere fighting for her life, and I have to stay alive to take care of my kids. That’s the only thing I know for certain, and that’s my only purpose left in this terrible, cruel world.
I hear movement as I see a nurse coming to adjust my IV line.
“Hey, can you tell me if Sara Klein is okay?” I ask the tiny lady wearing purple.
“Your wife is out of surgery. Her doctor should stop by and see you in a bit once I finish taking your vitals.” My wife … not in this lifetime. Why do they need to take my vitals? I just want to go see if she’s all right.
“Could you please unhook me from this IV and these machines? I’d like to go to the bathroom.” I’m lucid. I feel fine. Time to go.
“Lie back, Mr. Rossi. You have a catheter, you don’t need to go to the bathroom.” She pushes me down with force while maintaining a sweet smile and proceeds to change the urine collection bag attached to the side of my bed. “You donated lots of blood to your wife. You’ve been out cold for the last twelve hours. We just need to make sure you’re well before we can disconnect your IV. You’re being treated for your excessive dehydration.”
I don’t care about me at all. I just want to know what’s going on with Sara. “Can you please contact my family? I’ll give you their number. I need them to know I’m okay,” I beg the little stranger at my side.
“Your family is here. I’ll let them know you’re up. I’m sure they’ll be right in to see you.”
She’s out the door before I can ask or say another word. I wonder if my parents, or perhaps Jacky’s parents, were called in, or maybe she means Sara’s folks. The door opens once again a minute later as Emily saunters in. Here we go.
She looks tired but calm. Not as hysterical as our earlier encounter. I don’t give her a chance to say anything before I begin questioning her about Sara. “Is she okay? Tell me what happened? What did the doctors say? Did you call her parents? Does William know she’s here? Is Eddie here?” I know I have zero rights to her wellbeing, but I need to know she’s okay or I’ll go crazy. I need to ensure I didn’t harm her any more than I have up to this point. I promise that if she’s okay, I’ll leave her alone. Forever, for good, for life. I will run far away and exterminate myself from her life; I owe her that. But first, she needs to be okay. This nightmare needs to end for her.
“Her parents and Eddie are all here. Your parents are here, too. Will is back from St. Lucia. She’s out of surgery; still unconscious but stable,” she expels with relief.
I close my eyes and take a full breath once I hear that Sara is alive. Thank God. Thank you, God, for this.
“She lost a lot of blood and the baby,” she whispers the last part. “But it could’ve been much worse for all of us.”
My heart contracts at her last statement—Sara and William lost their baby.
“Why did you tell the doctors she was your wife?” Emily asks in a small, sad voice.
I look up to meet her questioning stare. “I’ve been to the hospital a few too many times in my life with Jacqueline. I know a spouse has different rights than a mistake like me. She was bleeding, and if she needed blood, I had to make sure they knew that our blood types match. We went through all this when we had the twins.” I smile as the memory of us sitting at the fertility clinic instantly bombards my mind.
“You’re sure about this?” I question her about a choice that would change everything.
“I’m sure. I only want your sperm hanging out with my eggs if I have a say,” Sara answers with her usual sarcasm. “If this works, we’ll be parents. Can you imagine a baby with your eyes or my nose? Promise me I can give the baby a name,” she begs with hope and excitement dripping from her voice.
“Sara, of course you can name our child. It will be our family,” I respond honestly, mimicking her optimism.
Instead of one baby, we got two—Juliet and Jacob. Sara was my gift in life; she made everything better, while I made everything worse. What kind of life would I have had without knowing her? She was and is a part of everything I am today. Jacqueline and I had a real family, thanks to Sara. It’s funny how we assumed our kids would provide our shaky past a stable future. But that’s not what fate had intended for us. That stupid fortuneteller got it all wrong.
Emily talks to me while I reluctantly come back from a memory of when I had it all. I’m back to reality, back to my doomed fate that doesn’t include Jacqueline or Sara.
“You saved her life, you know? She could’ve died if she was alone. Thank you for saving my best friend,” she mumbles with tears running down her pale cheeks.
“Emily, I can never repay her for everything she’s been in my life. I have hurt her for so long that I will be saving her life for the rest of mine.” I’ve cried more in the last week than in my entire existence combined. Just allowing my head to imagine a world without Sara stops me from taking another breath. My kids and I lost Jacky; we can’t lose Sara, too. That’s not an option. Whether she’s part of our life or not, she needs to be a part of this world. I need to know that she’s somewhere, existing, healthy, happy, and being loved.
“Jeff, I know you love her, but I hope once she gets better you’ll allow her to experience happiness without you.” Emily’s words come out in a plea. “I didn’t know how deep your relationship was, and I wasn’t a good friend to her. I didn’t give her good advice, but now that I know the truth, I beg of you to let her be. She loves him and he loves her and I just want her to have what she’s always dreamed about.”
“I know we’ll never be together again, but tell me, how am I suppose to go on? I don’t know anything but her. She was supposed to be my future. How can I raise our kids on my own? She loves them so much. What if I can’t be a good father?” The questions I should be asking Sara shoot out of my mouth without any thought or filter. Emily doesn’t have the answers. No one can help me but me.
“The doctor will be in to talk to you since they think you’re her husband.”
I nod, close my eyes, and promise that I’ll be whoever I need to be for her.
The edge of my bed dips as Emily takes a seat. I open my eyes as I feel her take my right hand in hers and turn it to expose my open palm. She traces the lines inside my
palm before lifting her gaze to mine.
“My nana once told me that our life is mapped out and etched in history before we come out of the womb. That no matter what road we take and regardless of the mistakes we make along the way, our destiny will always find us. In the end, all our choices bring us to our providence. I believe that fate brought you and my best friend together. Nothing and no one could’ve changed that. Your children are a testimony of that. But souls heal one another, not break each other. One day, you’ll find all the pieces of your heart that perhaps you haven’t earned yet, and when you do, you’ll understand all the choices that brought you to your bashert.” She looks back down at my open, outstretched hand before I make a fist and close it.
Emily stands up without another word and leaves me alone to remember a mocking memory that for years I’ve tried but failed to forget.
“Sit, boy. I will give you a reading,” the older woman at the top of the stairs had whispered with certainty. I was never the same after I’d spoken and looked into the old fortuneteller’s eyes. I can’t explain what had compelled me to accept her invitation. I can’t decide if I was intoxicated or perhaps hoping she’d actually know my future, since my reality at the time took an unforeseeable turn. I believe she was the reason I went back to New York to see Sara again to try and explain. Try to break up with her and let us both move on. I had every intention to never see her again. Sara had her whole life ahead of her. She was a baby who just graduated high school, and I was a new attorney who had a career to build. Even if for only a short time, Jacqueline was my future, not Sara. But seeing the girl I couldn’t stop thinking about, coupled with the old woman’s taunting words, was my ruin. She planted the seed, and I watered it with empty promises and willed it to life.
Lost In Rewind (Audio Fools #3) Page 4
