by Derrick Jaxn
"I heard you say she wasn't quite sure. And I also heard you detail a chemistry and connection like few people ever experience in their lifetimes that led up to that."
"Which is over now. Don't forget, you heard that part too."
"If it was really over, you would've moved on by now. Have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe she's out fighting the same emotional war you are? Trying to force something to stop that was never meant to once it started up?"
"You know what, Jessica? I mean Dr. Holley. I'm done. This session is done. Keep the money. You just wasted my time."
I got up and headed for the door, sliding on my shoes on the way out.
"When you lose something, it's inconvenient for a while, but eventually you get it back or something else that pretty much functions in the same way. But when you lose someone, someone that never wanted to go in the first place nor that you ever planned on letting go, it changes you. It lessens you. It slowly kills you day by day until there's nothing left but memories of every moment you had with them that you never knew would be your last."
Her voice was trembling now, as if she was crying. I stopped short at the door and turned around to see she wasn't looking at me but at the space where the framed picture of her and the guy was on her desk before she snatched it off. The one she'd caught me looking at when I first came in.
"I told him to stay away from me. March 1, 2007. He was only twenty years old."
I walked back towards Jessica, dropping my keys on the way hoping to console her. She was really starting to break down now, and it came out of nowhere.
"He always told me that tomorrow was never promised. But he was wrong. Today isn't even promised. He forgot our second anniversary, and I thought I could punish him by telling him how he didn't deserve me. Telling him to go away."
A cold feeling hit me in the pit of my stomach. That's why she'd gotten so angry when I was snooping around her desk. And that'd also explain why the candles were lit around the photo. "Jessica, I'm sorry. I had no idea when I first saw the picture, I promise," I said.
"But he didn't listen. Even when the storms came. I was in class and he was at work. He got off early to come and keep me safe. But the tornado had touched down earlier than expected and sent a tree on top of his car, with him inside. He died instantly."
"Jessica, I don't know what to say. I apologize for not respecting your privacy earlier. It was inconsiderate and wrong, and I'm sorry."
"No, Mr. Fletcher. I'm telling you that there was once a man who loved me so much, he was willing to give his life to never give up on me. I have to live with that every day."
"I'm not the one who gave up on her, Jessica. She gave up on me."
"No, you're not understanding. Men work differently than women, and historically, that's always been the case. Men keep trying by coming back, women keep trying by never leaving.
So the time you cheated, the times you lied, and the time you made her look like a fool while she never left; that was her not giving up on you. But after a while, you want to make sure someone would be willing to do the same for you. Through thick and thin. Willing to never give up on you. It's human nature to need that reciprocity, especially if your heart only knows two speeds--all or nothing.
So unless you're completely sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's done with you, I strongly advise that you not give up on her. Because the regret of realizing you were the one that let go of a good thing you can't get back...I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy."
I stood while she sat for a few moments. I really couldn't believe my ears. How anyone in their right minds could possibly think that after everything I'd already done to make amends, the solution was to do more. And honestly, I wasn't all the way sure she was in her right mind. While it'd be understandably so, she sounded like she was speaking from trauma, not just experience.
"Dr. Holley, thanks for caring. I feel like you really put your heart into your work, and for me, that means a lot. You've given me a lot to think about. I can't say for sure what I'm going to do other than that. I'll think about it."
I walked out, she didn't stop me. Her checks were already deposited before the day started anyway so she had no reason to.
I hopped in Daisy Duke and drove back home, texting my assistant Stacy to drop off something for dinner later on when she brought my notes for tomorrow's Women Empowerment Seminar I was headlining. I usually handled both on my own but I'd been looking forward to my meeting with Dr. Holley, I couldn't focus and now that it was over, I still couldn't focus.
Then I remembered that I needed to go stop by Pete's for a minute, get his opinion on things which would cut into the time I would otherwise use to cook, anyway. As much as he tripped me out, something about his theories usually made sense. Even when they didn't, I knew I could count on him to check me when I was tripping.
I pulled up to his house. Well, Shonda's house. Pete was hitting some hard times so he hadn't had a place to stay and refused to take the guest room at my spot. I don't blame him. Much rather be laid up with a woman than rooming with a homeboy any day.
I walked up on the porch and raised my hand to knock before I heard yelling behind the door. They seemed to be arguing.
Shonda's voice rang out, "I told you once, and I'mma tell you again! If you put that thing there one more time, I'mma break it!"
He yelled back, "You act like it's frickin' taboo! Porn stars do it! And God made porn stars! So you're telling me you're better than God?!"
"Look, boy! If you want you some asshole, you go right on ahead in them Yellow Pages and find you some in the area. But if you go the wrong way down this one way, there will be no citation. You will be shot on sight. I said NO!"
Knock! Knock! Knock!
I'd already heard enough. Enough, as in too much.
They started whispering. Pete said, "Why I gotta answer it? This is your house."
She whispered back, "You just remember that when it's time to pay rent."
"Fine, I'll get it. Damn."
He opened the door. I was standing off the porch a few steps.
"Oh, what's good bro?" He turned around and yelled towards the kitchen. "Hey, babe, it's Shawn."
"Heeeeey, Shawn!" she yelled out.
A shirtless Pete, holding onto his pants with no underwear, clenching at the zipper asked, "What brings you this way?"
"Just needed to holla at you. But first...go wash your hands. And remind me not to eat another thing out this house."
"Oh, come on, man, washing hands is so yesterday. We sanitize now." He reached by the door and pressed a few times to what seemed to be an installed sanitizer dispenser.
"Quick question. Why do you have a four-leaf clover tattooed around your belly button?"
He looked down, as if he'd forgotten about the artwork stained beneath his rat trail stomach hair.
"Oh this? It's my street basketball name. Lucky Charm. Could hit from half court with my eyes closed."
"Interesting. How many shots a game?"
"Nah, just did it once. That's why I gave myself the name, Lucky Charm."
"So you named yoursel--nevermind. Let's just...drop it."
He smiled proudly and walked out to the porch, sitting down on the front step. "So what's on your mind, bro?"
I went into my whole spiel about the rest of my college love saga and how the session went with Jessica. I briefly gave him a shorter version of the story then summarized her last sentiments she expressed before I left.
He pulled some pecans out of the pocket of his pants, unbeknownst to me as to where they came from or how long they'd been there. "So that's what she said, huh?"
"Yup. What you think?"
"Depends. How long did she say it'd take to get your refund again?"
"I didn't get a refund. I told her she could keep it. But I think I reminded her of somebody she knew...or something. I don't know, man. I just had to make sure it wasn't me."
"No, it was you. You spent all day and too
much money to hear an emotionally damaged therapist totally make your own emotional damage all about her."
"Really, P.? Really."
"Well, I'm just sayin'. But don't feel bad, man. We've all got our shit. Some people flush it and keep it moving while others need a plunger. And I got just the plunger for you."
I looked around trying to put his analogy together. He noticed my confusion.
"Her name's Dominique," he continued. "You'll love her man. Ya know, if I wasn't dating Rashonda, I'd definitely try to be with her. She's got a nice rack."
"Okay, so who is she?"
"Rashonda's best friend."
"Sure you need to be saying that while your lady's on the other side of those walls?"
"Oh, no worries, dude. These doors. They're practically sound-proof. She can't hear a thing."
He smiled at me triumphantly. Little did he know. But whatever.
I said, "You know, I've been trying to wait to start dating until I got this little thing figured out but maybe I will give it a try. When you guys trying to go out?"
"Who said we were going out?"
"Well, this is your people and I don't do blind dates alone. Not after that time I went out with Terri."
"Oh yeah, I remember her. You should've known something was up when you saw all of her ex's pictures duct taped to her bumper," Pete said.
I laughed, "Talkin' bout it's 'cause she's put them behind her now."
"Right. I mean, who uses duct tape? It's so tacky. Double-sided and she would've been a keeper."
I stared at Pete for a few seconds to see if he would laugh, but no. He was serious.
I was getting a little paranoid with the way people coming into the complex would slow down as they passed by my car. While I could appreciate the admiration, I knew the hood well. Admiration was the warm-up to a plot. I didn't feel like being there a whole lot longer.
"Okay, so this Dominique woman. I'll trust you on this only because it's Shonda's girl. Let's go out tomorrow after I get back from my seminar. It should be over around six. I'll come scoop you guys up, we can carpool so it's real casual."
"What are we? Middle school kids? No, I can drive and you can drive."
"Well, excuse me then, Mr. Adult. Do your thing. Just tryna save on ga--"
"You mind if I hold a few bucks for gas though? You know, kinda strapped right now but I'm good for it. I'll pay you back. Swear."
I shook my head, laughing on the inside because I should've seen it coming. Just pretended I didn't even hear him say that. "So tomorrow at six o'clock. I'll just meet you at whatever restaurant. You can choose."
I walked off. He started calling my name, but I knew he was only trying to ask me for gas money again. He wasn't trying to use me. He just didn't feel like getting cursed out by Rashonda. She stayed checking his ass and occasionally would put him on nookie time-out for even having the nerve to ask her for money.
I got home and saw that Stacy had hooked me up with a few turkey sandwiches from the deli and my notes for the seminar were prepared too. It was more of a Q&A than a lecture. Had a love-hate relationship with these.
The dialogue was great but it could easily go left if a few scorned women or defensive brothers were in the crowd trying to make it all about them. Too many pinned-up emotions and not enough communication skills and I'd easily become their scapegoat for everything wrong that ever happened in their love life.
But, that only happened once.
And don't get me started on the "feminazis". Unlike real feminists who wanted equality, these extremists wanted me to answer questions like, "So, why do I have to change my name when we get married instead of him changing his?" and my favorite, "Why is a king sized bed bigger than a queen-sized?" Like I had the rules of society in my pocket and could just rewrite them at will.
So, I finished my sandwiches and all of the note studying I was going to do for one night. My bed needed me and I needed it. My feet ached and my eyes were burning from the long day but the last walk to my mattress felt like my bed and I were running through a field of flowers and met in the middle with one big embrace and a symphony harmonizing in the background.
Just before the credits rolled, my phone buzzed.
It was my second missed call from Pete. I called him back.
"Yeah, what's up?"
He sounded wide awake. "Hey, bro, I got an idea."
I sighed, "What now?"
"No, you're going to love this one. Okay so you know how we talked earlier, right? What I said, it was pretty much on some Osho type of knowledge. Like mental super-saiyan slash Gandhi right?"
"Get to the point, P., I gotta get up early for my seminar."
"I'm glad you brought that up. How about you let me join you. Like, as a co-host. We can both give love advice to the ladies...together."
Chapter 18
I Thought You'd Never Ask
"Yes, ma'am."
"And you put on extra deodorant, didn't ya?"
"Momma. Come on now, you act like I'm ten years old or something. Of course, I'm good on deodorant too."
"Nawl, I'm acting like I already know, don't no woman like no musty-smellin' man. You get to wavin' ya arms 'round too much and sweating everywhere and you ain't got nothing on them armpits; you gon' have every seat in there empty or filled with women that done fainted. And not for the right reasons neither."
"I got it, Momma. My nails are clean; my clothes are ironed; and I promise, if I start getting musty I'll cut it short and go home."
"You know, I wouldn't have to ask all this if you just went and got you one of them nice girls up there to settle down with. I need me some more grandbabies, ya sisters 'bout dried up I think."
We both started laughing. I couldn't get enough of her pep talks before my events. It was her way of telling me she missed me and I missed her just as much. But I had work to do. She sacrificed so much to see me get to this point, I knew I couldn't drop the ball now.
"Well, don't hold your breath. I might dry up myself by the time I find the one," I said.
"Don't start talkin' like that now. You just need to keep on praying and every--"
"Thing will be all right," we finished her sentence together. "I know, Momma. We go through this all the time and you're right. I'm just being patient, I guess. Extra patient. But hey, I gotta go ahead and get out this house. I love you. I'mma catch up with you later to let you know how it went."
"All right, baby, go do yo thang today, ya hear?"
"I'm on it. Love you."
"Love you too, Bud."
We hung up. I took another ten minutes making the life decision of tie or no tie before throwing the tie in the garbage for making my life so difficult then headed out the house.
I got to the conference center and saw the line wrapped all the way around the side of the building. I've had big crowds before, but this one, it was different. It was women of all shades, shapes, and sizes, most of them well put together and neatly dressed and a few brothers who tagged along to make sure their woman wasn't getting brainwashed.
I texted Stacy to touch bases, making sure she was somewhere near to help me get in through a back entrance.
"Hey, Shawn!" Pete yelled out coming towards my car. A few heads turned from the crowd, but luckily, my windows were tinted so not too many were deterred from their own conversations.
I unlocked the door for him to get in. "See, you're already starting off wrong. I told you when you got here, call my phone and I would come meet you in the parking lot. Do you know what you almost did just now?"
"So you're worried about a mob of women stampeding towards your car? Poor you," he said sarcastically. I whipped the car away from the front and parked on the side where Stacy and the event coordinator were waiting for me.
"Who's this?" Stacy asked when Pete got out of the car.
"That's my...um, my special guest."
"We didn't discuss this in the budget, Mr. Fletcher," the coordinator chimed in.
"Added bo
nus. He's doing this pro-bono. Just this once."
I looked at Pete and his chest filled up with air as he grinned. For whatever reason, it gave me a really bad feeling for what was about to happen.
I pointed toward the third row to the woman with her hand up. "Yes, ma'am. What's your question?"
She grabbed the microphone and stood to her feet. "Hi, first let me say that I am a huge fan of yours. But I wonder, why is it that guys like yourself that have it all together seem so hard to find?"
"Well, first, thank you very much. Secondly--"
"He does NOT have it all together," Pete laughed. I looked over at him like he had one more time before I called security to throw him out as if we were complete strangers. He interpreted correctly and fell back.
I continued, "As my co-host stated, I really don't have it all together. None of us do. But I think what you mean is why do I appear to have enough to work with?" She nodded her head in agreement.
"Well, to women with mature priorities, that's exactly what it means to have it all. Because you know all you need is that, and you can work with a man to get everything else he's capable of. That's why brothers often don't see success until after they've encountered a good woman. As for other brothers not having that, it's a matter of where you're looking. Sometimes we get caught up trying to fish in the desert and blaming our empty buckets on the bait. Get around like-minded people, change up the environment, and you'll find that good brothers not only aren't so hard to find, but will flock to you."
She smiled and sat down. Other hands went up.
"What do you think about giving a man husband privileges before the ring? Sex in particular?"
Another woman from the audience chimed in before I could speak, "Why buy the cow if you gettin' the milk for free, honey?"
