“No, you didn’t, Grandma,” Hannah let her know softly.
“I should have, though, shouldn’t I?” she asked with a giggle. “Have you met her?”
“No, I’m afraid I haven’t,” I answered, looking quizzically at Hannah. The fact that she rattled off book titles and author names seemed so bizarre given the fact that she couldn’t remember her own family, but Hannah didn’t seem to let it bother her.
“Your roses are looking really great,” Hannah continued. “Grandpa and I were watering them this morning, and the pink one is blooming more than normal.”
“I like roses,” she stated. “They are probably my favorite, but I also like daisies. William brought me daisies, you know. He brought them over, and mother told me I was too young for a boyfriend. He is just my friend, though.”
“Who is William?” Hannah questioned, giving me a slight smile.
“He lives down the street. Katherine’s son – you know Katherine, don’t you?”
“Sure,” Hannah shrugged, indicating to me that she had no idea, but it wasn’t worth pursuing.
We sat there for about an hour, talking about insignificant things that sometimes didn’t make sense and other times simply weren’t important. She gave us some other names of people she remembered from her neighborhood when she was just a girl, and mentioned a teacher or two, and assignments she had in school. When Hannah brought up current events, though, she usually just stated that the information was nice or gave some other uninterested response. Every time Hannah brought up my name, she would ask again who Camdyn was with curiosity. Unable to give her a good explanation, Hannah simply kept pointing to me time and again, and I smiled as though the conversation was natural. Inside, my heart was breaking a little. To meet my grandmother after all these years with the knowledge that she would never really know me was bittersweet, especially because I felt like I knew her a bit after reading her words in the journals.
When Hannah finally stood and announced that we should leave, Isabel didn’t seem upset. She took that news the same way she talked about the flowers or a bird that landed on the grass nearby. We walked her inside and returned her to that chair by the window, with Hannah checking to make sure she didn’t need anything. She responded by asking again if we wanted any tea, to which we answered in the negative, and then she turned her attention to the window, as though she forgot we were there.
“Goodbye, Grandma,” Hannah stated, touching her on the shoulder.
"Oh, yes, goodbye,” she replied, turning to smile kindly at each of us in turn before she focused on the window again. With tears in my eyes I stared at her back, wishing I could walk over and wrap my arms around her, but I knew it wasn’t an option. Instead, I backed out of the room and hurried down the hallway, avoiding the eyes of the few people who happened to see me and one woman who told me hello. When I reached the door and flung it open to the summer air, I choked in a breath as a sob escaped my chest. Instinctively I shoved my fist against my heart and stared up, searching in vain for…something, anything. As an answer, I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“Camdyn,” Hannah’s quiet voice calmed me. Shaking my head, I stared across the parking lot as a tear slid down my cheek.
“It’s not fair, Hannah,” I complained. “Why did I find you all now? Now, when it’s too late? Where’s the purpose in that?”
“There isn’t any,” she answered simply. “Sometimes things are just what they are.”
“No, you’re wrong,” I argued, swiping away the tear with my right hand. “Everything has a purpose, and things don’t just happen by chance.”
“That’s just life. Things either do, or they don’t, and you move on.” She sighed as she let her hand continue to rest on my shoulder. “I shouldn’t have brought you here.”
“Don’t say that,” I insisted, turning to look at her. “I’m glad you gave me the opportunity, Hannah.” Without a word, she wrapped her arms around me and held me tight for a matter of seconds, and then released me as though embarrassed. We walked to the car then, and we continued back to Grandpa’s house in silence. Once we were there, I followed her between the white columns on the porch. She seated herself on the first step, so I lowered myself beside her.
“Grandma was absolutely crazy about the rose bushes,” Hannah stated nostalgically. “She would come out here with her pruning shears and take each rose gingerly between her fingers one by one, gently holding each one in her palm. She would just stare at them, almost as though she was talking to them. They don’t look the same anymore.” Glancing over at the rose bushes, I clasped my hands between my knees.
“The roses look okay,” I offered.
“Not like they used to,” she replied. “Nothing is, though. Nothing.”
“How long has it…” I began, trailing off when I saw the sad look on her face.
“Six or seven years.” She pushed her hair behind her ear and gave me a small smile. “At first it was simple things, but then… Well, I guess talking about it doesn’t change anything, does it?”
“When did you move back here?” She placed her elbow on her knee and rested her chin in her hand, gazing vacantly at the street.
“About eighteen months ago. I couldn’t watch Grandpa struggling anymore. He was taking so much upon himself. I had an apartment near the law firm, and I gave up the lease. A week later, Rob left me. We were engaged, but he said I didn’t have time for him. I guess I didn’t. That’s another story, though.” She let out a short laugh and then emitted a determined sigh. “I felt like I was needed, Camdyn. It’s amazing the things you can convince yourself to do when you’re the one people are relying on. But now… I’m the one who talked Grandpa into taking her to the care facility, and that was the right thing, I’m sure of that. The problem is, now what do I do? I feel so lost and useless.”
“I know a little about feeling lost,” I informed her, smiling secretly to myself. “That was my perpetual state, until a couple months ago.”
“So what changed?” she wanted to know, looking intently into my face. Instinctively I knew that Hannah was searching for something much greater than I could give her, and I had no idea what to offer.
“Hope,” I stated simply. “I trusted God, and I waited, and I let people love me.”
“You’re talking about Cole?” she laughed sardonically. “I can’t imagine that it was hard to let him love you.”
“Cole is perfectly designed to complement me in ways I could have never dreamed,” I stated with slight amazement, looking down at the ring on my hand. Then, I suddenly saw my grandma Wilhelmina’s face before my eyes – the woman who raised me. “You know, right before she died, my grandmother told me not to let anyone cage me, but to also find my roots and plant them firmly. I spent so much time avoiding the cage, I never bothered to belong anywhere. You’re almost the opposite, really. You have yourself so firmly planted, you don’t think you’ll ever fly. Hannah, your world is wide open, and you don’t have to find your own version of Cole to soar. You just need to decide that a flight might be worth the chance of falling.”
“And how do you fly?” she asked quietly.
“You trust and you jump,” I told her with a smile. Her phone began playing a little melody in her pocket, and as she brushed a tear from her eye, she managed to give a breezy hello. Trying not to eavesdrop, I looked over at the rosebushes, imagining Isabel tending them, her small frame bent over as she looked at each flower individually. If I came over ten years ago, she might have shown them to me. She probably would have invited me to tea. I could have told her that something good came of all her praying for Darlene.
So much for second chances.
“Well,” Hannah said to me as she placed her phone on her knee, “I could be wrong, but in these sorts of familial relationships, isn’t the older sister supposed to be the one with all the answers?”
Chapter Eighteen
Hannah and I weren’t exactly sure what to do with our newfound information, so she began askin
g me questions about our mother. Probing, personal questions that I couldn’t answer because I honestly didn’t know the answers myself. After I answered a couple queries in a row with a simple, “She’s a loser,” her interest seemed to wane. Really, though, she already knew that about Darlene. How could she think anything else, after living in that house all those years?
Still, even though she had been practically held hostage all of her life with talk about Darlene, somehow she was curious. For a moment I was admittedly confused by this fascination, until I remembered trekking across the ocean when I was eighteen simply so I could get a glimpse of my mother. I certainly knew who she was by that time, didn’t I? And not too many days before Hannah and I found ourselves together on that porch, I had been half-dead on Jerry Farner’s green shag carpet, so she was probably entitled to a little idle curiosity.
After sitting outside for a time, she decided we should make dinner, so I stood in the kitchen while she made lasagna. She seemed to instinctively know not to let me near the food, which made me think Charlie must have told Grandpa more than I knew. As the time grew closer to the presumed return of the men in our lives, she decided it was best to call Meg, too. Without stating so, I knew she planned to tell them our news.
For some reason, that made me feel a little queasy.
Luckily, my phone rang right about then, managing to take my mind off the smell of that lasagna and my weak stomach for a moment. I suspected it was Cole or Charlie announcing their whereabouts, but I was wrong.
“How’s my favorite author?” I heard Lex’s voice on the other end of the phone. I had not heard from Lex Fairmont, from my publishing company, since I had seen him at the wedding. With everything that was going on, I had nearly forgotten that the next week was my book launch. (I say nearly forgotten, because one can’t fully forget the fact that they are going to be on national television. One could want to forget, but would ultimately find it impossible.)
“You know, just living the high life,” I joked. Lex probably was living the high life, being escorted everywhere by his driver, Jesse.
“Are you ready for Monday?”
And…full out panic is gripping my heart. Is it really Monday?
“Nope,” I admitted cautiously, causing Lex to laugh.
“Sure you are. I’ve seen you take on my dad – I know you can handle Tilly.”
Can I? Last time I saw her on television, she had that very popular male actor wearing a tutu as part of some elaborate game…
“You have the plane tickets and everything that Stacy sent you?” he prodded, at which I sucked in a breath.
“Um…”
“You didn’t get Stacy’s email?” The tone of his voice left me aware that I was beginning to make him nervous, so I tried to sound a little breezier.
“I’ve just been so super busy and everything,” I gesticulated to myself in the kitchen like an idiot. “I haven’t checked my email or anything like that.” Lex let out a sigh, and I heard him drumming his fingers on the desk.
“I know I owe you a lot, Camdyn, but I’ve got a lot riding on this, too,” he said wearily, frustration coming through in his voice. “Are you still honeymooning or something?”
“No, it’s just…” I hesitated, not wanting to fill Lex in on everything with Hannah standing next to me. “There’s way too much to go into it right now, but I promise I won’t let you down. I will be poised and professional and make you shine in the best light.”
“Are you kidding?” he asked, chuckling nervously. “Please don’t be poised and professional. The best thing about you is that you are unpredictable and slightly off.”
“You think I’m ‘slightly off?’” I gasped, causing Hannah to snort beside me. I shot her a little glare and she smiled sheepishly.
“You know what I mean,” he attempted to clarify. “Just be yourself, okay?”
“Sure, I can do that,” I sighed. “Maybe I’ll trip over her couch and do a face-plant into her coffee table.”
“Well, that’s one strategy, I suppose, but I really meant that you could try being charming and slightly feisty.”
“Charming and slightly feisty,” I repeated. “Got it. Any other requests?”
“Just check your email,” he laughed with a huff. “Let me know if you need anything.”
“Will do, Lex,” I agreed, and then stuffed the phone in my pocket. Hannah grinned at me as she pulled the lasagna out of the oven.
“I am dying to know who thinks you are slightly off,” she suggested with a giggle.
“Lex, from my publisher’s office,” I told her, leaning against the counter and folding my arms across my chest. “He was just giving me pointers for The Tilly Show. I’m quite certain I’m going to humiliate myself somehow. Why did I ever agree to do that?” Hannah straightened up and removed the oven mitt from her hand, holding it aloft as she regarded me curiously.
“I can’t believe you’re going to be on The Tilly Show,” she offered, shaking her head. Then, we both just stood there awkwardly staring at each other for a moment, still feeling a bit stumped at how to react to the whole “sister” thing. Finally, Hannah laughed, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
-§-
Nearly an hour later, when the boys had made it back with Grandpa and Meg had come over, we all sat around the dining room table with that lasagna in front of us, strangely quiet. I wasn’t certain if the others could sense that something happened between Hannah and me, but they certainly were not as chatty as normal. Grandpa especially kept glancing between us girls, almost as though he was waiting. For some reason that I could not define, it really felt like Hannah’s news to share, and I wasn’t going to divulge anything.
“How was Babe Ruth?” I finally blurted into the silence, feeling Cole’s eyes on me. Shrugging at him, I attempted to smile nonchalantly.
“What are you up to?” he wanted to know. Scowling, I pretended that he was being ridiculous and began to pick at my dinner.
“I’m afraid I might have ruined the boys’ good time,” Grandpa told me sadly. “I just can’t get around as well as I used to.”
“We had a great time, and please don’t think that,” Charlie insisted. Grandpa cleared his throat and smiled over at me.
“You girls don’t want to talk about stodgy old baseball stories,” Grandpa acknowledged. “What did you do today, Camdyn?”
“Oh,” I began hesitantly, trying to avoid being completely honest. “Well, let’s see… I went to St. Peter’s and had a chat with Father Anthony.”
“You did what?” Cole wanted to know. Choosing to ignore him, I bit my lip as I stared at Grandpa.
“Camdyn was a bit out of her element today, so she came by my office and I took the afternoon off,” Hannah interjected, glancing at me. “We went to lunch, visited my friend at the forensics lab…”
“Did you get in some kind of trouble during that sting?” Grandpa wanted to know. I couldn’t help but notice that Charlie put his fist up to his mouth and coughed quietly.
“Don’t believe what Charlie tells you, Grandpa,” I pleaded, glaring at my brother.
“We went to visit Grandma,” Hannah continued. At that, Cole’s intense gaze practically went into overdrive.
“How was she today?” Meg wondered.
“Pretty good,” Hannah stated. “We walked outside for a bit.”
“So you girls had a pretty good day,” Grandpa surmised, grinning at me. I returned his smile and nodded carefully.
“Yes, Grandpa,” Hannah told him. “The thing is, Camdyn and I, we had a DNA test done today. She had some suspicions, and after she talked to Father Anthony…”
“Cam?” Charlie looked at me questioningly, but Hannah wouldn’t be deterred.
“The truth is, you really are my grandpa.” She hesitated as her voice started to crack, and I watched as her face contorted slightly. “Darlene is my mother, Grandpa. She’s the one who brought me to St. Peter’s.” To my surprise, he shook his head a bit and wrinkled his brow.
“That can’t be, Hannah,” he answered.
“It’s true,” I admitted, turning my attention to Hannah and catching her eye, feeling tears beginning to well up. “Darlene told me about St. Peter’s, and Father Anthony confirmed it today. We took the test to be absolutely sure.”
“Oh, heavens,” Meg whispered.
“You’re really certain?” Grandpa wanted to know.
“Yes,” Hannah stated. “All my life I’ve really been your girl – I just didn’t know.”
“Hannah, I didn’t need someone to tell me that you were my girl,” Grandpa told her quietly. “All those years, your grandma and I, we knew you were the miracle we wished for. My goodness, it’s a beautiful thing though, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” Hannah agreed softly. As though we sensed each others’ emotions, Hannah and I stood simultaneously and laughed quietly before we wrapped our arms around each other. Within a matter of seconds, I felt another set of arms come around both of us, and I knew without even looking that it was Charlie. We had found a piece of the puzzle that we didn’t know was missing, and yet somehow, I felt more complete already.
-§-
Late that night, when Charlie had retreated to his room and Cole and I were left alone, he sat next to me on the bed and pulled me against him, wrapping his arms around me from behind and settling his chin on my shoulder. Not wanting him to move, I enclosed my fingers around his arm, clinging to him. It felt wonderful simply to know that he was there, and that he was mine. Without warning, I started thinking about what Hannah was doing, and wondering how she was coping with the information she learned that day. Grandpa would have been in bed by that time, most certainly, and she wouldn’t have had a shoulder to lean on. She knew, though – after all those years of not feeling like she belonged – and that had to count for something, didn’t it?
“Are you thinking about Hannah?” Cole wondered, placing his scruffy cheek gently against mine. I nodded silently, leaning my head back against him. Staring at the wall and tracing the tiny lines of the wallpaper pattern with my eyes, I wondered if Hannah was staring at her wall at the very same moment, trying to make sense of a lifetime of hints and clues that she really was a Camden by blood.
A Reason to Forget (The Camdyn Series Book 3) Page 24
