by Laura Miller
“You are so beautiful,” his hand stroking my face.
Our lips met and his arm wrapped around my waist. Swiftly spinning me until I was straddling him. Our eyes still locked.
I lowered myself onto the tip of his cock, slowly, inch by inch taking him further inside of me. Allowing my body to stretch and conform to his shape. The immense full pleasurable feeling was sensational. Being connected to him in such an intimate way. Enjoyable way.
I lifted my body up to the tip of his penis before sliding back down, grinding my hips. Panting.
He took my nipple into his mouth, sucking hard.
“Ah fuck, oh Connor I . . . I can't. . Oh God” I was stuttering. Pleasure was devouring my body.
He flipped me so my back was against the fur of the rug.
“It's okay sweetheart, I'm gonna make love to you until you come for me.”
His body thrusted into mine, his hard cock pounding into my wet slit. Every inch of me was quivering. His rhythm and intensity increased. Pressure was threatening to overflow. I couldn't contain it any longer.
“Don't stop.” I panted hard.
With one final thrust my body surrendered. Orgasm shuddering through every inch of my body.
Connor grunted and released into me. Allowing his body to relax into mine. Our damp hot chests pressed together. Legs entwined. Bodies panting.
We laid there in blissful silence for what seemed like an eternity. My eyes grew heavy. The night air cast a chill over my naked body. The feeling of warm comforting cotton encasing my skin was all I remember as I slipped into a deep sleep for the night.
* * *
“Morning Sweetheart,” I awoke to the alluring scent of Connor's skin. Still pressed tenderly against mine. His head dipped encasing my mouth by his.
“Morning yourself,” I smiled, “I could get used to waking up like this.”
“Well, we can do this every morning if you like.” His head nuzzled into my neck.
“Connor. . .” I paused.
“Don't, don't do it Evie.”
“Connor, I do, I want to be with you. I just, I need time. Things are awkward with Henry. I can't just leave him. I need to talk to him, just a little time.”
“Okay sweetheart.” Glancing down at his watch “Ah, I have to run”, He paused “shit.”
He grabbed his clothes and rushed to get into them. The eagerness to bolt was not even slightly disguised. He was running. Fine.
He bent down kissing me briefly on my lips “Bye.”
And then he left.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Chapter 14
I stood feeling the wicked sensation of sickness. Forcing my body into involuntary gagging that was causing my stomach to writhe. Bloody alcohol. I ran down from my studio to the bathroom and allowed the contents of last night’s alcoholic consumption spill into the basin.
"Oooh you look as good as I feel," Lucy let out a croak.
"You sound as good as I look," I said with my head hanging over the sink.
I wrapped myself in my bathrobe huddling the soft towelling around the bottom of my lobes. The warmth was bittersweet.
"Is everyone still here?"
“Just us. Saw Connor leave about ten minutes ago,” She winked.
I rolled my eyes.
“Travie and Mitch left just after midnight, they grabbed a ride with Jake and Daisy."
“Daisy? What happened to Callum. . . And where's Lex then?"
An indecent grin spread across her face. "Probably in Callum’s bed right about now".
Giggles erupted from us both.
"At last!"
As we walked downstairs the smell of stale pizza and wine turned my stomach. Dry gagging burned the back of my throat. I had nothing left to expel.
A bang at the door made us jump. What the hell.
I swung the door open wondering who the hell would be here this early.
"Hello Maam, I am Chloe and this is Beth. We are from Merry Maid cleaning services".
"I'm sorry, I didn't arrange any cleaners. I do apologise".
"Courtesy of Mr Ryan. Here maam, this if for you". She handed me a small white envelope. "Will just be getting our equipment from the van".
I opened it and there was a small handwritten note enclosed
Sorry I couldn't stay to tidy. Thank you for last night. Connor x
"What's that?"
"Oh nothing, Connor just arranged cleaners as him and the guys ditched. I slipped the note into my bathrobe pocket. "Fancy a cuppa then?"
“As long as you’re making a bacon sarnie with it too, I need a hangover cure".
I turned the gas on and place the smoked bacon into the pan. The smell was.... was.... oh God. I turned and managed to meet the kitchen sink just in time. More liquid spilled from me. Lucy let out a hysterical laugh. "Someone have a bit too much to drink, eh".
"Leave me alone". I pouted. "Your gonna have to make your own bacon sandwich. My stomach can’t handle anymore gagging."
Tea slipped down the back of my throat, soothing the burning path that my body had caused. I could feel the warm trail running down my throat and hitting my empty stomach.
"So what happened to you last night? Connor and you seemed to have disappeared all night. TO-GET-THER". Her murderous eyes staring at me with anticipation. "He really likes you," she added.
"He asked me to consider him. He told me he really likes me and wants to protect me". I paused and inhaled deeply. "I had sex with him." I whispered and closed my eyes at my declaration of moral misconduct.
"And?"
Her question threw me. I was awaiting a stern bollocking. "What do you mean and?"
"And, have you considered him? Did you feel something when you got jiggy with him?"
"Yes.... maybe........... I don't know". I sighed. "I am really confused. Last night, he was everything I wanted, he still is. He was everything and more. But this morning. . . He just left. I think he got what he wanted so has hung me out to dry. . . I just feel so, stupid, used. What am I going to do Lucy?” Sobs erupted. A sense of loss enveloped me. I had never felt so used. But what else did I deserve. I had bought this on myself.
Lucy’s arms swarmed around me. Holding onto me whilst each sob ebbed its way out. Each one a representation of my hurt, my loss, my stupidity.
“I can't believe I was so stupid.”
"You can't spend the rest of your life being unhappy Evie. You're not your mum. You can be happy with the right man. You don't have to settle for the safe option". Safe? Henry the safe option. That was the last thought that came to mind when I think of Henry. Dangerous seems more in keeping with his personality.
"Lucy, he doesn’t want me. He left, he used me and left. I was just having jitters with Henry. I know you think he is controlling but I have a good life, and he loves me. I can't ask for more."
“Oh Evie, Connor really like you, there must be a reason he left?”
“Even so, It’s not right. I love Henry. Perhaps this is the wakeup call I needed.”
“Ok hun. I am sure you know what you are doing. No one will judge you if you change your mind".
"He is all I know. I can't delve into the unknown. Connor is a fighter. He will tour the world. He has a different woman every night and I have just added myself to his growing concern. How would that be for stability? He has congregations of women at his every move. I can't compete with that. I don't think I would be able to deal with it. It is an indulgent fantasy, and I don't even think he wants me." "It may be indulgent but why would you be having the fantasy if Henry were what you really wanted?"
"Don't Lucy". I spat out.
"Okay, I am sorry. I won’t mention it. Just remember I am here if you need me".
Three more days until Henry is home.
Chapter 15
Henry was due home today. I hadn't heard from Connor in three days. My heart and mind battled over my moral altercation. For three days I have had to look at myself realis
ing what a stupid hypocritical woman I have been. What was more concerning is the hurt of not hearing from Connor, for him making love to me and leaving me burned me more than anything Henry has ever done to me.
A mixed concoction of inadequate feelings soared through my body. I was going to forgive Henry for this. I had too, I was no better. This was just an unexplored path that a majority of men pre-wedding explore. Consequently with my wayward irrational lack of desire to give him the sexual indulgence he needed pushed him into this affair. So I told myself. This was a mistake of his that could be rectified. I would be the woman, correction, the wife, Henry needed.
I was making this conscious decision to forgive him. Every bone in my speculative body required answers. I needed to rationalise this. I needed to give myself clear concise reasoning as to why the man who wanted to spend his life with me could do this. How could I expect this? I was just as unfaithful. I slept with Connor. What is more disconcerting is that I wanted too. I enjoyed his lips on mine. The feeling of him inside of me. How could I expect place blame on Henry for his misdemeanours when I was unwilling to inform him of mine?
My body lurched forward. I felt the bile rise in the back of my throat. All of this worrying was making me physically sick. I ran to the basin and allowed myself to expel every ounce of my stomach into the running water. I couldn't deal with this angst much longer. Our Wedding was in thirteen days. I needed to marry him knowing I could be enough for all of his needs.
I lay back in the garden hammock. The tranquillity was exquisite. The sky was piercing blue with hues of white scattered clouds floating. Warmth from the sun encapsulated me and I allowed myself to delve into the world of my fictitious romance novel.
***
"Hey Baby". Henry caressed my cheek.
"Sorry I must have fallen asleep". I looked into his eyes and I felt undivided anger towards him. "How has your trip been?" I couldn't hide the sarcasm from my voice. Sitting up in the hammock I stepped down and walked towards the patio table.
"It's been good thanks. Did you have a good couple of weeks?"
"Not too bad. I would assume yours was better?" I hissed.
"You're still pissed at me for going then I take it? It was work Evie. Fucking work. Grow up".
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, please forgive me, I have just been ill the past few days”.
“Okay, as long as this is the end of it, I don’t want you dragging up my work anymore. Understood?”
“Yes, of course, like I said I have just been ill and a bit grouchy”.
“Good”.
Glancing at the time, I had realised it was a little after five, “So what would you like for dinner tonight?” I offered, breaking the tense silence.
“How about something simple, as you have been ill? I’m happy with a stir-fry. I don't want you going to too much trouble.”
“Okay, perfect darling, I will go and put it on.”
I lifted myself out of the hammock and headed towards toward the patio doors.
“Evie” he called after me.
“Yes Henry?”
“I missed you baby, sorry you have been ill.” He leaned his head down and offered my lips a soft kiss. This was the Henry I loved, the kind considerate man.
I grabbed the vegetables and started slicing them whilst the chicken sizzled in the wok. The golden tone of the chicken indicated time for the vegetables to be thrown in. I doused it again in ground nut oil and let the vegetables soften until the noodles went in.
“Something smells good.” The sound of Henry's voice startled me.
“It will only be a few minutes darling, you can sit down and I will bring the dishes over.”
Henry pulled out the chair in pushed himself into the dining table. “So, have you sorted you dress out yet?”
“Oh yes, all done” I smiled, carrying over two plates filled with the warm stir-fry.
As I sat down opposite Henry I couldn't help but question the love, or incidentally, lack of love I was feeling for this man before me. I love part of him. His compassionate side. The small slither of kindness that he has within him. I love his beautiful smile, his determination. I detest the mess of a person he has made me into. Perhaps I detest myself. Henry cannot possibly be to blame for my actions, my self-hatred. The loathing of committing adultery. I feel sick to my deepest core for what I had done.
Conversation lingered, unspoken words passed through the tense atmosphere. Weighing down on my demeanour.
Chapter 16
“What the fuck is this?” He spat at me. Pure anger filled his eyes, his teeth clenched as he spoke the words. My dressing gown was flung across the bed, he flung the white folded card in my face “Thanks for last night?” he bite out at me.
“It’s not what you think Henry, I swear, just let me explain.”
He strode towards me grasping me by the collar of my blouse. His breath burning in my face. “I’m waiting.”
“When, when. . . you were away, Lex, Lucy, Travie and Connor came over for pizza. The guys ditched and left us with the cleaning up in the morning so Connor sent over cleaning maids with this note.” I was so scared, my heart was racing and I couldn’t think straight. He pushed me back releasing me blouse. I stumbled a little but managed to keep myself upright.
“You fucking liar.”
“Please Henry, please”. His hand raised. “You’re a fine one to talk”, I sobbed.
“You what? I didn’t quite hear that Evie, care to enlighten me?”
“No, nothing”
He grabbed me by my hair, “It didn’t sound like nothing, now what did you say?”
“Please let go of me Henry, you’re hurting me.” His fists tightened against my hair, I could feel every pin prick of pain Every follicle being tested to its extreme limits.
“You better start talking then.”
"You are one to talk Henry, Did you enjoy using the beads with Antonia?" I couldn't help but smirk, out of sheer disgust.
"You stupid bitch" he bit out. His face was enraged. My hair released and I was free from his clutches, momentarily.
"I would have assumed the words out of your mouth might be I'm sorry? Wouldn't you think so Henry?" I had pushed him too far. I saw the change in his eyes. They turned wild, his pupils enlarged, full of rage. Dark anger. Why didn't I just shut up.
I felt the force of his fist first. It collided with my jaw with such impact that I fell backwards into the bedroom wall first. My legs gave way under the shock and my head bounced off of my bed side table. The pain set in next. Burning, blistering heat scorching its way along the aching path to my jaw.
"Sorry? If you weren't such a frigid bitch then I wouldn't need to fuck someone else".
I couldn't suppress my tears. "I'm sorry", I whispered. So silent it was almost inaudible. Sorry for sleeping with Connor, sorry for bringing up his affair.
“Sorry? Don't make me laugh Evie. That's all you have got for me? You should be asking me to forgive you. I give you everything and all I ask for is you do fulfil your duties. How hard is it for you to spread your legs once in a while? You are nothing without me. You have no money, no home, no job, and no family. I suggest you get out of my sight until you realise that I have been nothing but good to you".
I raised my hand to cup my jaw. The luke warm dampness of blood seeped through my fingers. I clambered together and ran from our bedroom. Rapidly descending the stairs, I grabbed my car keys and grounded to a halt. The realisation that I had nowhere to run to came crashing down around me, he was all I had. I was as unfaithful and as low as him. I needed time to think, to be alone. I crept to my studio and painted. I painted until I had nothing left to say. I allowed myself to tap into the raw pain and emotion. Letting it drip onto the canvas as an extension of my inner most deep rooted fears. Each stroke represented the pain, the hurt, the dishonesty. The release of emotional pain was draining.
I was lost and I was alone.
Chapter 17
I tiptoed through our bedr
oom doorway cautiously. Fear swamping me. Anxiety constricting each thrumming beat of my heart.
He wasn’t there.
I slipped into the empty cold king sized bed hoping that today would fade into a distant memory and that this could be put behind us. This didn't have to be the end of us. Henry was upset at the thought of my being with someone else. That showed his dedication to me. Or perhaps his possession? My stomach instantaneously lurched when I heard footsteps in the doorway. The door crept open and light from the landing penetrated through.
Henry stepped into the room. His head hung in shame.
"I'm so sorry".
I hadn't realised that I had been holding my breath. I inhaled deeply. Is this what was to be, his striking of me to plague my every waking hour? I needed to forgive Henry for this, to set myself free to trust and love him. Otherwise I would restrict myself to living my life within these gilded walls, forever being a victim of my own fear.
"It's ok", my voice trembling. I sat up and placed myself sitting on the edge of the bed.
Henry fell to his knees in front of me. Wrapping his arms around my thighs, sobbing. I involuntarily tensed at his hold. Subconsciously I was still afraid of his touch.
"It is not ok Evie. I am so sorry. I was stupid. I shouldn't have gone away with her. . . I. . shouldn’t have hit you".
"I wasn't exactly fulfilling my duties as your partner. I am sorry too Henry".
"I know, I know, baby". "Please don't leave me" he sobbed harder pushing his face in to my lap.
"I won't leave you Henry". I pushed my hands through his hair. "I am tired though. I would like to get some sleep".
"Of course". Henry stood. His eyes focusing on my purple toned jaw. He leant down and kissed with such tenderness the area in which he damaged. I flinched. I couldn’t comprehend how he could have been so angry and then repent his actions so swiftly. For the first time in my life I understood some of the reasoning behind my mother’s decisions.
***
The room was perfumed with a vulgar mix of perspiration and whisky. He looked directly at me. Nothing but pure evil filled his gun metal grey eyes. They sank into me. Bore a hole through me. His irises were full of excitement. Raven black. His manipulating smile. The sound of his hoarse voice.
