Chapter xii.
Containing love-letters, &c.
Jones was commanded to leave the house immediately, and told, that hisclothes and everything else should be sent to him whithersoever heshould order them.
He accordingly set out, and walked above a mile, not regarding, andindeed scarce knowing, whither he went. At length a little brookobstructing his passage, he threw himself down by the side of it; norcould he help muttering with some little indignation, "Sure my fatherwill not deny me this place to rest in!"
Here he presently fell into the most violent agonies, tearing his hairfrom his head, and using most other actions which generally accompanyfits of madness, rage, and despair.
When he had in this manner vented the first emotions of passion, hebegan to come a little to himself. His grief now took another turn,and discharged itself in a gentler way, till he became at last coolenough to reason with his passion, and to consider what steps wereproper to be taken in his deplorable condition.
And now the great doubt was, how to act with regard to Sophia. Thethoughts of leaving her almost rent his heart asunder; but theconsideration of reducing her to ruin and beggary still racked him, ifpossible, more; and if the violent desire of possessing her personcould have induced him to listen one moment to this alternative, stillhe was by no means certain of her resolution to indulge his wishes atso high an expense. The resentment of Mr Allworthy, and the injury hemust do to his quiet, argued strongly against this latter; and lastly,the apparent impossibility of his success, even if he would sacrificeall these considerations to it, came to his assistance; and thushonour at last backed with despair, with gratitude to his benefactor,and with real love to his mistress, got the better of burning desire,and he resolved rather to quit Sophia, than pursue her to her ruin.
It is difficult for any who have not felt it, to conceive the glowingwarmth which filled his breast on the first contemplation of thisvictory over his passion. Pride flattered him so agreeably, that hismind perhaps enjoyed perfect happiness; but this was only momentary:Sophia soon returned to his imagination, and allayed the joy of histriumph with no less bitter pangs than a good-natured general mustfeel, when he surveys the bleeding heaps, at the price of whose bloodhe hath purchased his laurels; for thousands of tender ideas laymurdered before our conqueror.
Being resolved, however, to pursue the paths of this giant honour, asthe gigantic poet Lee calls it, he determined to write a farewelletter to Sophia; and accordingly proceeded to a house not far off,where, being furnished with proper materials, he wrote as follows:--
"MADAM,
"When you reflect on the situation in which I write, I am sure your good-nature will pardon any inconsistency or absurdity which my letter contains; for everything here flows from a heart so full, that no language can express its dictates.
"I have resolved, madam, to obey your commands, in flying for ever from your dear, your lovely sight. Cruel indeed those commands are; but it is a cruelty which proceeds from fortune, not from my Sophia. Fortune hath made it necessary, necessary to your preservation, to forget there ever was such a wretch as I am.
"Believe me, I would not hint all my sufferings to you, if I imagined they could possibly escape your ears. I know the goodness and tenderness of your heart, and would avoid giving you any of those pains which you always feel for the miserable. O let nothing, which you shall hear of my hard fortune, cause a moment's concern; for, after the loss of you, everything is to me a trifle.
"O Sophia! it is hard to leave you; it is harder still to desire you to forget me; yet the sincerest love obliges me to both. Pardon my conceiving that any remembrance of me can give you disquiet; but if I am so gloriously wretched, sacrifice me every way to your relief. Think I never loved you; or think truly how little I deserve you; and learn to scorn me for a presumption which can never be too severely punished.--I am unable to say more.--May guardian angels protect you for ever!"
He was now searching his pockets for his wax, but found none, norindeed anything else, therein; for in truth he had, in his franticdisposition, tossed everything from him, and amongst the rest, hispocket-book, which he had received from Mr Allworthy, which he hadnever opened, and which now first occurred to his memory.
The house supplied him with a wafer for his present purpose, withwhich, having sealed his letter, he returned hastily towards the brookside, in order to search for the things which he had there lost. Inhis way he met his old friend Black George, who heartily condoled withhim on his misfortune; for this had already reached his ears, andindeed those of all the neighbourhood.
Jones acquainted the gamekeeper with his loss, and he as readily wentback with him to the brook, where they searched every tuft of grass inthe meadow, as well where Jones had not been as where he had been; butall to no purpose, for they found nothing; for, indeed, though thethings were then in the meadow, they omitted to search the only placewhere they were deposited; to wit, in the pockets of the said George;for he had just before found them, and being luckily apprized of theirvalue, had very carefully put them up for his own use.
The gamekeeper having exerted as much diligence in quest of the lostgoods, as if he had hoped to find them, desired Mr Jones to recollectif he had been in no other place: "For sure," said he, "if you hadlost them here so lately, the things must have been here still; forthis is a very unlikely place for any one to pass by." And indeed itwas by great accident that he himself had passed through that field,in order to lay wires for hares, with which he was to supply apoulterer at Bath the next morning.
Jones now gave over all hopes of recovering his loss, and almost allthoughts concerning it, and turning to Black George, asked himearnestly if he would do him the greatest favour in the world?
George answered with some hesitation, "Sir, you know you may commandme whatever is in my power, and I heartily wish it was in my power todo you any service." In fact, the question staggered him; for he had,by selling game, amassed a pretty good sum of money in Mr Western'sservice, and was afraid that Jones wanted to borrow some small matterof him; but he was presently relieved from his anxiety, by beingdesired to convey a letter to Sophia, which with great pleasure hepromised to do. And indeed I believe there are few favours which hewould not have gladly conferred on Mr Jones; for he bore as muchgratitude towards him as he could, and was as honest as men who lovemoney better than any other thing in the universe, generally are.
Mrs Honour was agreed by both to be the proper means by which thisletter should pass to Sophia. They then separated; the gamekeeperreturned home to Mr Western's, and Jones walked to an alehouse at halfa mile's distance, to wait for his messenger's return.
George no sooner came home to his master's house than he met with MrsHonour; to whom, having first sounded her with a few previousquestions, he delivered the letter for her mistress, and received atthe same time another from her, for Mr Jones; which Honour told himshe had carried all that day in her bosom, and began to despair offinding any means of delivering it.
The gamekeeper returned hastily and joyfully to Jones, who, havingreceived Sophia's letter from him, instantly withdrew, and eagerlybreaking it open, read as follows:--
"SIR,
"It is impossible to express what I have felt since I saw you. Your submitting, on my account, to such cruel insults from my father, lays me under an obligation I shall ever own. As you know his temper, I beg you will, for my sake, avoid him. I wish I had any comfort to send you; but believe this, that nothing but the last violence shall ever give my hand or heart where you would be sorry to see them bestowed."
Jones read this letter a hundred times over, and kissed it a hundredtimes as often. His passion now brought all tender desires back intohis mind. He repented that he had writ to Sophia in the manner we haveseen above; but he repented more that he had made use of the intervalof his messenger's absence to write and dispatch a letter to MrAllworthy, in which he had faithfully promised and bound himself toquit all thoughts of his l
ove. However, when his cool reflectionsreturned, he plainly perceived that his case was neither mended noraltered by Sophia's billet, unless to give him some little glimpse ofhope, from her constancy, of some favourable accident hereafter. Hetherefore resumed his resolution, and taking leave of Black George,set forward to a town about five miles distant, whither he had desiredMr Allworthy, unless he pleased to revoke his sentence, to send histhings after him.
History of Tom Jones, a Foundling Page 72
