“Do I?” Caelius raised one eyebrow, advancing on Gaidres and driving a finger against his armored chest with each point. “Who keeps you in chains? Not I. You never allow yourself any kind of joy, Gaidres, and every time you err and start to relax, you punish yourself. And when you find that sword that does take your life, it will be through your own doing. Before, you were forced to by the Romans. Now you do so by your own choice.”
Caelius drew himself up and met Gaidres’s hard stare, as if bracing himself. “What was done to you was a terrible thing, but I think that what you do to yourself would hurt your Kerses even more if he could see it.”
Gaidres’s fist flew before he could stop himself, before he could even think. It connected with Caelius’s elegant jaw. The Roman dropped to the floor, panting and clutching his face. Gaidres froze, fists still clenched, and watched as Caelius rose to his feet and met his eyes. There was no anger there.
“Do you need to strike me again? Would that soothe your pain?”
Gaidres snarled and closed the gap between them, glaring down at Caelius. “There is nothing to soothe my pain. You mock me.”
Caelius shook his head. “I do not, Gaidres, I swear it. I seek only to make you see, to realize. You have said Kerses was gentle, that he was kind and loving. I’m sure he loved you more than any words could convey. Would he want this for you? Death, and before that a life that might as well be the same? Would you want that for him, were your positions reversed? Would you have asked him to die for you long after you were gone?”
Gaidres shoved Caelius back. “You speak of what you do not know. Do not speak on him as if you have the right!”
“I know I have not the right, but I will speak on it anyway. I know a bit about love. And I know I would not want my love to spend his life a self-appointed messenger of death, seeking revenge that would serve no purpose. You are still alive, Gaidres. Yet you squander that gift.”
Gaidres spun back around, seething. “The life I live is no gift, and you are a fool to think otherwise!”
Caelius was so calm, his eyes gentle and for a moment he reminded Gaidres so much of Kerses it pained him. He’d seen that expression so often on his lover’s face when Gaidres would rail about some injustice or other. The look said, “Then do something about it.”
“If you do not care for the life you live, change it.”
By the gods, it was as if Caelius had heard his thoughts.
“How am I supposed to accomplish that, Caelius?” Gaidres snarled. “Chained as I am to you.”
Caelius’s eyes were gentle as his hands came up to cup Gaidres’s face. “If you would be free of me, say so and you’ll not have to see me again.”
Gaidres shook his head, hands coming up to grasp Caelius’s wrists. “Better you than an unknown master.”
“Perhaps.” Caelius let his hands fall away. “And perhaps another master would not twist you up so much inside. You could hate him the way you cannot hate me, no matter how much you desire to.” He gave Gaidres a sad smile and turned away to wring a cloth in the cool water laid out in his chambers.
Then Caelius shot him a fierce look. “And don’t think for one moment that I would allow another Roman to have control of you, Gaidres. No one will own you but yourself for as long as I have breath in my body.”
“You own me.”
“In name only, not in spirit.” Caelius touched the damp cloth to his temples and jaw. “I do not think anyone can cage your spirit. Not when you’ve done it your own self. And if you give yourself some time to think on it perhaps you’ll see the truth of my words. I am a fool in many things, but not in this, I think.”
He would never understand the man and Gaidres didn’t know why he would even want to. And yet he found himself thinking of Caelius often, pondering his words, his strange behavior. Gaidres had never met a Roman like him, and yet at the end of the day that was what Caelius was. A Roman. An enemy. Hated.
And yet you do not hate him. And much as he might want to deny it, it was true. He did not hate Caelius. And that confused him more than anything else. It occurred to him that, aside from the fact that Caelius owned Gaidres and lay with him, Kerses would have liked the man.
“You remind me of him. How is that possible?”
Caelius turned, eyes surprised. “Of Kerses?”
“He believed as you do, that if you did not like your fate, you should change it. He believed everything was possible. Rules were…able to be bent.” Gaidres’s lips twisted in a half smile at the memory. “You are the same in that. I am not.”
“No, you are not.” Caelius sat and leaned back on his hands on one couch. “He dreamt for you both, didn’t he?”
Gaidres sat on another couch with a sigh. “He never tried to change me, he just…led me to see his way with soft smiles and cajoling words. I could never deny him.”
Just as, it seemed, he found it hard to deny Caelius. He tried, but hated the way he felt when Caelius’s dark eyes would sadden and his face would fall. His thoughts skittered away from pondering why that was.
“I do not wish to change you either. I only wish to give you some ease, since you allow yourself none.”
Gaidres sighed, feeling as weary as Caelius looked. “There is no ease to be had, Caelius, no matter how much you might wish it.”
Caelius rose and crossed to him, holding his hand out. “Then if not ease, allow me to give you some small pleasure. It is all you give me leave to do and it is better than nothing.”
He hesitated, looking up at Caelius. He felt torn, raw inside.
“The world is cold and cruel and lonely. If we find some respite in each other’s arms there can only be good in that.”
“I can give you nothing else.” It was a warning as much as a statement of truth. He had nothing else to give Caelius, even if in his private thoughts, he wondered if perhaps the man might wish for more. What more, Gaidres didn’t know, but the longing was there. Under the surface. He wasn’t blind.
“I am not asking for anything from you, my gladiator. I am asking you to let me give to you. That is all. Where is the harm?”
Gaidres could find none at the moment, perhaps because he didn’t want to. Whatever the reason, he took Caelius by the hand and allowed himself to be drawn to his feet.
Chapter Eleven
Gaidres cast him a confused glance when Caelius led him out of the room instead of toward the bed. He had not had an opportunity to kiss Gaidres, to touch him since they’d left Fidena and he craved the closeness now. But after having tasted Gaidres’s warmth and generosity of spirit, Caelius didn’t know if he could lie with him when he was so distant. Even his anger would be better. At least then Caelius would know it wasn’t forced.
Besides, this was his first night home. Despite his throbbing jaw and temples, despite the fact Gaidres had to be the single most stubborn man he had ever encountered in his life, and despite the fact that he’d come home for tragic reasons, he was home. And he wanted to celebrate that with all the people he cared about.
Caelius released his hand and gestured for Gaidres to follow him through the halls. Gaidres quickened his strides to catch up. “Where do we go, Dominus?”
Caelius glanced at him over his shoulder. “The evening meal. You will join the rest of us.”
“Us? Who?”
Caelius laughed. “My household. I do not care to eat alone, Gaidres, and do not hold to the belief that to share a meal with those society places beneath me is shameful. And while we are here, you are a member of my household.”
Gaidres shook his head as if in disbelief and then a smile crossed his face. “You are the strangest man I have ever encountered, Dominus, though I will say that your oddities are far more welcome than the normal behavior I have seen.”
Caelius laughed again and clapped Gaidres on the shoulder, squeezing it as some of the worry lifted from him. As painful as that confrontation had been, it was worth it to see his lover thaw somewhat. “May that always be so, my friend.” He dro
pped his hand as Gaidres flashed him another look of surprise.
But then the time for private conversation was gone as they entered the room where Caelius dined. The entire household had turned out for the feast Demetrius had arranged. Even the little ones were in attendance, pressing close to their parents’ legs as all eyes turned on him and Gaidres.
Caelius’s heart filled near to bursting and a lump arose in his throat. He held out his arms, touched by the support they showed him. “My friends.” He looked around at everyone one by one. “Though it was sorrow that brought me home, let there not be sorrow here tonight. With every death there is new life, even if we cannot see it at the time. Let us celebrate upon seeing each other once again and celebrate the birth of my son and his future playmate Georgios, who I hear was born during my absence.”
Gaidres glanced around as he followed Caelius to one of the many low, backless couches arranged near the center table laden with food and drink. He stayed close and Caelius couldn’t help but wonder if his nearness had more to do with the entire situation being foreign for the gladiator than over any zeal to protect Caelius. It had likely been years since Gaidres had shared a meal such as this. Most of his meals outside of Caelius’s chambers would have been taken either alone in his cell or hunched over a bowl of mush with a group of gladiators who weren’t interested in friendly conversation.
So Gaidres may have sat a little closer to Caelius than the gladiator would have deemed proper, but Caelius didn’t mind at all. He rested a hand on his Gaidres’s thigh before gesturing to the food. “You may help yourself, Gaidres. We are very informal here, as you can see.”
Gaidres glanced at him. “This isn’t just for your return, is it? It’s like this every night?”
He laughed. “These people have been a part of my household since I was a child, and their parents and grandparents before them. And as I told you, I do not like eating alone. Valeriana, rest her, was often off at some celebration or at her parents’ home.”
Gaidres reached out and set a portion of crispy roasted game bird on a plate and handed it to Caelius before taking some for himself. “It will take some getting used to.” He laughed then, as a small boy no more than two, galloped as fast as his fat legs could carry him past them and into the lap of his father. “As will many things here, I think.”
“I have faith in your ability to adjust.” He had never seen Gaidres so awkward before. It was just an unusual situation for him, but given what he had been able to glean of Gaidres’s past, he thought the other man would soon be very comfortable here. Unlike Valeriana, though he couldn’t deny that she’d tried at the beginning.
The anguished expression that had been on Gaidres’s face as they argued had eased. And as much as it made Caelius ache to see it at the time, it had given him some small hope too.
He loved Gaidres. And every bit of time that he spent with the other man only reinforced his feelings. He loved him for his passion. He loved him for the gentle care he’d shown when he’d had no reason to give Caelius such things. He loved his honor.
Gaidres lounged back with his plate in one hand and a goblet of wine in the other. Caelius couldn’t help noticing how he kept looking at the children with a hint of wistful regret. Caelius leaned over and laid his hand on Gaidres’s knee. “That little one is Cyrillus. His father oversees the crops for me and his wife the herb garden. You can hear Cyrillus all over the villa and its grounds most days.”
“He does seem a handful,” Gaidres remarked as the boy wiggled down and ventured to the table to steal a date before finding a few others about his age.
He loaded his plate again, feeling an appetite he had not had in awhile and began telling Gaidres about the people in the room, sharing his favorite memories of them. When they came by the couch he and Gaidres shared, he introduced Gaidres to them as he’d introduced him to Demetrius and was pleased by how they accepted him. He wondered how Gaidres would react once the intimacy of their relationship was known. Based on the sidelong glances a few of his people were giving them, they already suspected.
“What else does this villa produce other than crops?” Gaidres poured Caelius some more wine as he emptied his goblet.
“A small amount of fishing, mostly for ourselves, and we make our own wine. I’ve given some thought to expanding the vineyard, but haven’t had much time to put into the project.”
“You love it here.” It was a statement, not a question.
Caelius looked around the room, his thoughts flooded with fond memories. “Very much.”
“Then why did you not sell the ludus and Craxus’s villa when you inherited it? It’s taken you away from this place you love so much.”
“It’s given me much, as well.” Caelius cast him a sidelong glance. “In truth, I considered selling it and washing my hands of my uncle and his property altogether. However, I had thought to rebuild the ludus on a grand scale, to further my political aspirations.” He sighed and glanced around. “Of late, though, those aspirations seem empty and I wonder if they are still worth pursuing.”
Gaidres’s jaw tightened. “And what would you do with the ludus then, Dominus? Sell it?”
Caelius gave him a look. “You mean would I sell the men along with it?”
Gaidres nodded, his expression stony with pretended indifference.
“No. I have not decided what to do now. Things have changed so much since I first set foot in the ludus. But I would ask you to trust that I will do the right thing. I did not dispose of the men who could no longer fight, did I? You cannot think I would do such a thing to the rest of them now. A solution will be found, I assure you.”
“And the Lupercalia? Are you still planning to have us participate in the games? I have heard talk that they will be held at the arena of Atilius in Fidena.”
“Yes, with all the work you and the others have put into your training you’ll be more than ready to debut at the Lupercalia. And what better amphitheatre for it? If you do well, of which I have no doubt, you’ll gain enormous favor with the crowds. Gladiators have won their freedom from such contests.”
Gaidres snorted and shook his head. “Some, perhaps, but far more likely the only freedom to be won on the sands is the freedom of death.”
“You continue to assure me our men can do nothing but win at all the games, do you not? The question is not whether gladiators of my house will win a purse large enough, but whether or not the men would accept the freedom it could buy.” Caelius set his empty plate aside. “There is only one who would refuse, I think.”
Gaidres shrugged. “I have not given it any recent thought, truth be told.”
“Well, there is still time.” Perhaps Gaidres would not ever want to start a new life with him. But the way his lover had looked at the children earlier, as if he’d longed for one of his own, made him think that one day, Gaidres would be ready to find a woman who could give him children of his own. A man who thought of children, thought less of bringing about his own death.
“I would ask your opinion on another related matter, Gaidres.”
“As always, you have my ear, Dominus.” Gaidres cast him a curious glance. “You only need to ask.”
“I have been considering ways to draw attention to us before the Lupercalia. I want there to be interest in the men, before you come out to fight in public for the first time.”
Gaidres’s brows furrowed. “You want my opinion?”
“Of course I do. What would you suggest to raise interest? A simple gathering with food and wine is not likely to pique the curiosity of the type of citizens whose patronage would serve the ludus most.”
Gaidres licked a bit of sauce off his thumb and frowned. “Surely you are well placed, Dominus. Would they not come by virtue of your status?”
Caelius laughed. “I am not so powerful as you seem to think, especially in Fidena. No, we need to draw interest. The more interest, the greater the chance of securing the primus and the larger the rewards for your men.”
H
e had long since stopped protesting every time Caelius would call the other gladiators his men. Caelius had never understood why he had protested in the first place. In truth, they did look to him for leadership, he could not deny it.
“An exhibition, perhaps. They would find it exciting to witness a small series of demonstration battles in the courtyard. The games are often from such a distance in the arenas. Would they not clamor to see it up close?”
Caelius could not imagine the pleasure to be found in viewing a grueling battle up close. He did like to watch Gaidres spar, but more for the joy of seeing his athletic grace, not to mention that he only wore a subligar and simple arm-and-shoulder armor while doing so.
However for those who loved the games…yes, they would enjoy such a spectacle and if he was careful with his invitations, the display would leave others eager to see firsthand the strength of his ludus. Petronius would be an ideal person to see the exhibition, and Caelius had made certain that relations between them remained cordial.
“I think that is a good idea. We can have it a month or so before the actual festival. It will give us time to plan and prepare. And time afterward for the anticipation to build.”
“And if we build up the exhibitions to a final one with live steel instead of practice blades, your spectators will be hungry for more, Dominus.” Gaidres grinned as Cyrillus barreled into his side and he helped the boy steady himself. “Easy there, little one.”
“You mean a fight to the death, before the festival?” Possibly patrons would enjoy such a bloodthirsty display, but the idea made him sick with dread. He frowned and shook his head. “I’ll not agree to that.”
“No, not a fight to the death. Live steel. The possibility of injury and blood will whet the bloodthirsty Roman appetite.” Gaidres gave him a measuring look. “It is what makes the games so popular.”
He winced. Gaidres had a point, not that he liked it one bit. He would have to make sure that their doctoré trained them so well that when his ludus was engaged in such contests, they won every one.
The Gladiator’s Master Page 14
