“Would you just stop for a minute?” I heard him yell.
“I just don’t understand how something could have you that fucking wrapped up in it that you’re willing to lose everything that’s important to you. I just don’t get it.” I threw my hands up, at a loss for words or understanding.
“Well, that’s why it’s called and addiction, Roxanne. I wish I would have never fucked with this shit, but I did and now… I can’t stop. I need help,” he finally admitted, as his voice began to tremble.
“Why can’t you just stop? I smoke weed almost every day, but guess what? When I don’t have it, I just don’t fucking have it. If I ever had to quit because of a job, I could quit like that,” I said, snapping my finger.
“Crack is different. It’s a hardcore drug, Roxanne,” he explained, to no avail.
“Bullshit!”
“No, it’s not, Roxanne. One hit of that shit can have you hooked for life and I hate I ever tried that shit. You can’t compare crack and weed.”
“That shit is all in your mind,” I argued.
“You just don’t understand, Roxanne. I tried to quit, over and over.”
“You’re weak, Terry, that’s all it is to it, and I don’t got time to be trying to fix no weak ass man.” I started packing again. “I could smoke a rock right now tonight, and I guarantee I’d never do it again.”
“You know how many people I heard say stuff like that? You say that shit, but you know better than to try it.”
“Oh yeah? You think so?” I said, without even thinking it through. By now my anger and my need to be right had taken control over my need to use sound judgment. But I really believed I could do it. “You got some now?” I asked.
“Whatever,” he mumbled.
“I’m dead serious. You got some? I’ll smoke it right here, right now, right in front of you. Guarantee I’ll never touch it again.”
“You talking stupid,” he said, brushing my challenge off. He went rambling on about how he could go to rehab now since he didn’t have a job, but I had already started searching through his jacket that was hung on the chair. I was looking for drugs—crack. I was gonna show him that this monster that he proclaimed to be so unstoppable was nothing of the sort. I found his pipe, but no drugs. I approached him with one hand on my hip.
“You got some crack?” I asked nonchalantly.
He didn’t answer me. He just sat there looking stupid, getting angry like he thought I was making fun of him.
“You got some crack?” I repeated. “I know you got some. You ain’t gonna do nothing, but wait ‘til I go to sleep and sneak in the bathroom with it.”
Maybe he wanted me to feel what he felt. Maybe he knew if he got me high, I wouldn’t put him out, or maybe he was just tired of me talking shit.
“You think this shit is a game, don’t you? You really wanna smoke a rock?”
He dug in his pocket and came out with four rocks folded in some toilet paper. He took one rock and sat it on the nightstand.
“There you go. Smoke a rock,” he dared.
I’d watched the girls on the strip do it a million times and I always shook my head thinking how stupid they looked, but here I was loading up a rock into his pipe, just to try and prove how mentally tough I was.
“Now maybe when you see this, you’ll understand this shit is all in your mind,” I said as I grabbed the lighter and placed the pipe on my lips. Terry never tried to stop me. Just looked on with his “I told you so” ahead of its time. I put the lighter to the pipe and flicked it once. The fire was high like a blow torch, but then it charged inside the barrel of the pipe and ignited the rock cocaine. I pulled it long and hard. Exhaled… mmph, mmph, mmph. Right then, I knew this was something really fucking special. I flicked and pulled again. Wow! Terry was shooting me that look and I was afraid to look at him. One more pull, I told myself. Then I’d put it down and never pick it up again. I flicked the lighter. This time, I pulled longer and harder than the previous attempts. This was my last indulgence in this magnificent, amazing, paranormal drug. It was like the best meal I’d ever eaten, the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen, the most soothing sound I’d ever heard, the most pleasant touch, and the most hypnotic aroma all rolled up in one.
“Fuuuuck,” I said, in a moment of sheer ecstasy. I could feel Terry grinning close by, but I blocked him out as I continued to let the drug massage my my brain with flowing sensations.
“See, I told you,” I heard him say.
“Just leave me alone,” I said. I just wanted this feeling all to myself. I refused to share even a moment of conversation, while I absorbed this out of body experience. I never thought I’d find anything in life that felt better than a sexual orgasm but… this was better than sex. Terry picked up the stem and began to get high right in front of me. He knew I wouldn’t—couldn’t protest. He didn’t offer me any more.
He waited for me to ask, knowing I would. I told him I’d quit tomorrow, but tonight I wanted some more. He shared his last rock with me as my high began to come down and it came right back, along with an increased sexual desire. That night we had some of the most amazing sex you could ever imagine. I finally fell asleep as the sun began to make its presence known.
Chapter 4
Five months later, I woke up in an abandoned house in Detroit. It was the middle of January and the house had about seven broken windows. I could hear the wind howling through a back bedroom as I wrapped myself tightly in my hooded Rocawear coat. I tried to piece together the night before.
From what I could remember, Terry had brought me here under false pretenses. Once we were here, Terry tried to sell me to a pimp for three hundred dollars, only Terry never told me I had been sold. He just left me in the middle of the night. I remember running from the house that the pimp had me in, ducking and dodging every headlight in the dark.
I ran and ran and ran, stumbling through slush and snow until I came up on a Coney Island. My lungs felt like they were about to collapse, but they made me leave the Coney Island because I didn’t have any money. I walked down Woodward until I came up on Pennsylvania Street. I was freezing cold plus drunk and tired. I suppose I went into the abandoned house for shelter from the cold and fell asleep, but I don’t remember.
After I had enough pieces to the puzzle to think rationally, I composed myself and got up off the cold floor. I went downstairs, hoping I was still alone in this shell of a house, because the stairs squeaked so loudly you could hear me coming a block away.
I peered out the window to the cold, snow filled streets, thinking what the hell was I going to do now? By now I had a thirty-dollar a day crack habit, and selling my body to support it had become a way of life. Everything I didn’t spend; Terry would steal when I fell asleep and we’d argue all morning. I was hungry and fiending for a rock at the same time. I knew if I got some money the drugs would become first.
I remembered seeing hookers on Woodward the night before, so I fixed my clothes and tied my unlaced boots, then headed out to Woodward to do what I do best. It was cold and windy, plus it was starting to rain. I made my way to the Sunoco gas station first and stole two small bags of Doritos. It was mid-afternoon, so I didn’t know how long it was going to take me to catch a trick. I could see I wouldn’t be alone on the stroll; there were a couple girls out already.
There was a black lady, who looked to be in her mid-thirties dressed for the occasion, despite the weather. She wore a short mini and thin jacket. I wore jeans and a big coat, which didn’t advertise any of my curves but fuck that, it was cold. We gave each other a look as I breezed past. I wanted to ask her where the nearest dope house was, but two things stopped me; one, I was a white girl in the hood nobody had ever seen and two, I didn’t have any money. I was sure she used. I could tell by the look of desperation in her eyes. I moved down a bit further, so she wouldn’t think I was trying to invade her space.
My eyes danced up and down Woodward. I could see more girls, but they were several blocks away. I dec
ided to stay in that one spot. I didn’t want to invade anybody’s space and I didn’t want anybody invading mine.
I spotted a police squad car coming and I waited to see what the other girl did. She didn’t move off of her corner, so I didn’t budge either. I really, didn’t want to go jail, because I had been to jail twice in the last two months. By now, I probably had a warrant in Toledo. I grimaced as the wind picked up and smacked me in the face.
I thought about that son of a bitch, Terry, and I wished him a slow, painful death as I braved the freezing Detroit weather. Just as a cold tear began to stream down my face, a black Bonneville pulled up and rolled its window down.
“Whatcha doing out here?” the man said.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” I said, pissed off by the stupid question.
“You working?”
“If you paying, I’m working.”
He popped the auto locks and I jumped in, greeted by blasting heat that made the date worth my time already. He was dark brown with thick eyebrows and wavy hair. He wore a workman suit with his name on the left pocket of the shirt. I could tell he was pretty tall by the length of his legs, and the way he towered over me in his seat.
“You look kinda young to be out here,” he said.
“I’m legal, if that’s what you worried about.”
He just glanced at me like a piece of meat. I was attracted to him, but it was just another trick as far as I was concerned.
“What’s your name?” he asked.
“Roxanne,” I said. I saw his name on the tag, so I didn’t bother asking.
“They call me AJ,” he offered.
“Okay AJ, can we talk money now?”
“Don’t worry about that.”
“Don’t worry about it? I’m not one of those ten, twenty dollar hoes out there, I charge,” I warned him.
“Don’t worry about it,” he said again.
“And before we do anything, I need some drugs,” I demanded.
That was a bad idea, I thought, as soon as I said it. Usually when I say that, I get the trick trying to play me out like a crackhead, but I’ll jump out of a car just as fast as I got in, if the money ain’t right. AJ didn’t say anything; he just turned on Euclid and told me I had to go get the drugs myself. I told him I was new around here and I didn’t know where to go. He pulled up to a house on Euclid, then handed me a fifty and told me to tell Ducky, AJ sent me. I walked up to the house that was still draped in Christmas lights and rang the doorbell. A young dude, not much older than I was, appeared at the armor guard door.
“Who you lookin’ for?” he inquired.
“I’m looking for Ducky. AJ sent me.”
He looked past me and over to the opposite side of the street where AJ was parked. He unlocked the door and let me in. His pants sagged low and his Timberlands were untied.
“What can I do for you?” Ducky said.
“What you got?”
“I got twenties.”
“Let me see ‘em.”
He walked over to a dark blue curtain and pulled a plastic bag from the bottom of it. He untied the bag and pulled out a few rocks. Just as I suspected, he was trying to play me because I was a white girl.
“Those aren’t twenties,” I said.
“How you gon’ tell me what I charge for my dope?”
Here we go again, I thought. Guys see a new white girl and think they can run game on her. I knew drugs were plentiful in Detroit, and I knew there was no way the twenties were that much smaller than the ones in Toledo. I politely folded up my fifty and put it back in my pocket.
“That’s okay, I’m straight.”
“Alright, alright. They dimes…how many you want?”
I was so glad he didn’t call my bluff, because I would’ve had no choice but to buy them.
“I want three,” I said. I gave him the fifty and he gave me my three rocks. Just then, I remembered I didn’t have any utensils. Ducky gave me direction on where I could go get everything I needed. He told me I could come back if I was going to be a big spender and I promised I would. Before I left he asked me were the drugs for me, and I admitted they were. I got that a lot. People who didn’t know me usually didn’t want to sell me drugs because they thought it was a setup. Drugs hadn’t affected my looks at all, and I hadn’t lost one pound.
From the crack house, I told AJ that I had to get my utensils, and he gladly took me where I needed to go. After that, we went and got a cheap motel, the kind you pay for by the hour. AJ told me a lot about himself. He worked for an auto parts store and he was also a mechanic who worked on cars in his garage on the weekends. He told me he didn’t smoke crack, but he drank beer and smoked weed. I figured he must trick a lot to have a name at the crack house. He told me I was too young and beautiful to be destroying my body with crack. I locked myself in the bathroom and put my pipe together. I loaded it with a rock and right before I flicked the lighter, I had to laugh at what my life had become. The dope was good and oily, the way I liked it. I fogged up the bathroom with crack smoke, wondering where I was going to sleep tonight. Once I got the kinks out, I took a bird bath and came out of the bathroom naked and wet ready to give my date all of me.
“Do I look like the drugs have destroyed my body?” I asked. His sagging jaw said it all. I pushed him back on the bed and unzipped his pants. I tore open the condom and put it in my mouth, rolling it down on his Johnson and proceeded to put my head game down like only I can. After that, I gave him the fuck of a lifetime and when it was over he didn’t want to leave. He kept talking me to death, asking where I was staying, how I got on drugs and a bunch of other shit. I thought AJ was pretty cool and the sex was better than I expected. I just didn’t like getting personal with tricks. When it was over I’d get dressed and tell them to drop me off somewhere.
We stayed in the room until the time was up and I told him to drop me back off on Woodward. He tipped me another twenty dollars and asked if I would be around tomorrow. I told him it was hard to tell, and he could just check and see. I went back to the abandoned house I was at and smoked the remainder of my dope. I refused to spend another night sleeping in that closet so I went back out to Woodward and caught another trick. When that was done, I had enough money for food, somewhere to sleep and some drugs in the morning. I started to believe that I might be able to find my way in Detroit and didn’t have to rush to find a way back to Toledo.
Chapter 5
The next morning, I woke up to my stomach turning and ran to the bathroom, right before the vomit jumped from my stomach to my esophagus. I gagged and threw up all over the toilet. I felt the veins in my neck and forehead bulging. I hugged the porcelain and waited for the rest of the assault to continue. About thirty seconds later, it came and I dry heaved and gagged until it was over. I blamed the bullshit Coney Island food, thinking I must’ve gotten food poisoning. Then I remembered I hadn’t had a period in two months. I had been so lost in my crack world, I didn’t even think about it.
Now that I was thinking about it, so much time had gone by, it could’ve been three. Could I really be that stupid? Could I really have been walking around all this time pregnant and didn’t know it? There were no signs. I checked the clock radio and realized I had an hour before I had to check out of the room I was in. I washed my panties and bra in the sink and hung them over the heating vent. I took a shower and sat on the edge of the bed naked, waiting for my underwear to dry. I made a mental note of things I needed: toothpaste, purse, cell phone and pregnancy test. Pregnancy test?
“Fuck!” I shouted as I ran my fingers through my still wet hair, thinking about Terry. I knew if I was pregnant, he was the father. As stupid as I was, I never had sex with a trick unprotected. Never ever. I told myself not to get all panicky about it, at least until I knew for sure. I got dressed and took a cab back to the hoe stroll, which wasn’t far from the motel I was leaving. Before I went out on the stroll, I had to go see Ducky first.
I still had forty-five dollars, so
I spent thirty and I kept fifteen. I stopped at a convenience store and got toothpaste, a toothbrush, and one bottled water. I checked for the pregnancy test, but they were all out and I probably didn’t have enough money anyway. I walked back to the abandoned house and waited to see if anyone was watching before I darted in. I mistakenly kicked a cardboard box that lay on the floor of the dimly lit house.
“Who is that?” I heard a female voice yell out. My first instinct was to break wide running back out of the house, but then I heard the sound of heels clacking down the stairs.
“It’s Roxanne,” I said as her legs came into view. Seconds later, I could see her whole body and face. It was the girl that worked the corner near me.
“Oh… you scared the shit out of me,” she said.
“Sorry.”
“I’m Sunshine,” she said, introducing herself.
“Nice to meet you,” I said. Really, it wasn’t nice to meet a crack whore in an abandoned house, but hey, I was trying to be civil.
“I saw you on the stroll, where you come from?” Sunshine asked.
“From Toledo.”
“I’m saying, what hood you from in Detroit, ‘cause I ain’t seen you around before.”
“No hood. I’ve only been here three days.”
“Shit, I thought you was the police when I saw you out there,” she admitted.
“Far from it,” I assured her, as I went into my bag and removed my toothpaste.
“You get down?” she asked, holding her straight shooter in her hand.
“Unfortunately,” I said.
“Fortune don’t got shit to do with it, baby, you smoke…you smoke. Fuck it! You don’t wanna smoke, quit.”
I could see already Sunshine was a girl I’d have a lot in common with. She held the same philosophy I held right before I hit my first rock. She was the kind of girl who made no apologies for her lifestyle. She offered me a hit, but I declined because I knew the game. Chicks would take a look at me and know I was a good earner, so they’d offer me freebies to gain cool points.
Roxanne: From Addict to Hustler Page 4
