by Caroline Day
My prayers have been answered – the footsteps die away.
I carefully open my eyes and look at the tall man. Judging by his appearance, he’s nearly my father's age, maybe five or seven years younger. His handsome, aristocratic features are sharp enough. The cheekbones are clearly defined. His lips are a little full, but now they are pressed together tightly.
His eyes...
They say they are the mirror of the soul, and that very soul studies me through the dark, burning eyes. I see this man for the second time in my life, and I know nothing about him.
Yes, he is handsome. He has a truly masculine aura that makes you hold your breath to stop taking in the scent of woody notes mixed with the faint smell of mint.
Anyway, why do I stare at the stranger?
‘I guess you need my help.’ He comes closer to the counter, grabs the knife and begins to carve the turkey. But why? My mother baked the whole thing. Anyway, there is no point in taking effort, since Christmas eve has almost gone.
However, watching the man at the pedestal, I realize an important thing. Yes, the holiday is ruined, but right now the stranger literally gives me hope. He makes me feel better; he makes me believe that the hard day still may be finished well, that all is not lost, and I will not spend the night alone, sitting by the window and watching the nasty weather.
This thought makes me smile.
‘How is your university life?’ he asks as we work together to put the turkey in the oven. This question takes me by surprise.
‘How did you...’
‘You were both in your senior year of high school last year. You are obviously not at school now.’
‘You’re right,’ I finally admit, and answer the first question. ‘I’m doing good. I like it. I've taken the interesting courses, and they even awarded me a scholarship. As for Adam...’
I fall silent My brother started skipping classes a lot, and I kept making excuses for him. He would hardly have passed the exams if it hadn't been for Andrew and me.
Once I said this to your brother during the identification, now I will tell you too. No matter what happens, I will always be there for you. You shouldn’t be afraid. I will never hurt you and your brother.’
These words echo in my head, swirling again and again.
I will never hurt you...
But you did this, Sebastian Grand. You hurt me in the most vile way.
Suddenly, the kitchen and the man's serious face fade away, and a loud beeping sound breaks into my head. It accelerates as soon as I open my eyes and immediately close them again because of the bright light of the snow-white ward.
It takes me a while to get used to the light.
And to the darkness that had engulfed me during the first seconds after awakening.
Chapter 30.
Beep-beep-beep.
The disgusting sound hits my nerves. It enrages me, pounds my head like a hammer. Turn it off! Please! But nobody will hear me since I can't utter a word. It doesn't work. My mouth is too dry, my lips are stuck together, and my eyes, wide open and alert, peer into the darkness opposite. The overly kind and concerned darkness...
‘Welcome back, Dolores. You managed to scare us,’ Dr. Connor says encouragingly, looking away from me to the clipboard where he's marking up some something with a pencil.
‘What am I you doing here?’ I look around, my eyes still aware of the bright light flowing through the window.
‘You’ve got chronic fatigue syndrome,’ he sighs, looking at me as kindly as before. ‘You've had a good start to the year. Adam got out of his bed.’
‘I see... What?’ I stare at the doctor. ‘Am I in the oncology ward? Do I have...’
‘No, you are fine. Your brother insisted on visiting you more often.’
What? Has he been here? Is he aware of my condition? Damn it! What if I don't want him to come? I don't want to see his pitiful face, I don't want to listen to excuses that don't really exist! What am I supposed to do?
‘How long will I stay here?’ I ask indifferently, trying to suppress the anger. But I haven't succeeded.
‘We'll watch for a week, and then you can go home.’
‘Can you let me go sooner?’
‘Let's check your vitals, and then we’ll discuss it again, okay?’ he answers more kindly than I deserve.
I have no choice but to nod in agreement. I am not capable of any mental actions right now, especially after a dream that brings back all the unwanted memories. Terrifying, nasty memories...
The first meeting that turned my life upside down, the second one that made me forget about my personal problems for a while and immerse myself in a person who knew nothing about me... And the subsequent ones that I didn't even know about...
Until this moment.
The memories don't fade away. My mind still keeps the image of his eyes, and his hands that caught me when I fainted. I still see his lips curved in a tight smile. It comes to me like a flood after Dr. Connor exited the ward, leaving me all alone. And I don't push the memories away, I try to go over every detail of my past life in my mind.
I remember how I gave myself to a stranger, how I kept seeing him everywhere, and suspected other men.
Now the culprit of my sufferings is glaring at me through the glass from the hallway. He has been standing there for about ten minutes, probably hesitating to come in, and I'm in no hurry to invite him or hint that I am eager to talk. Not now. We can probably talk in a week, in a month, or in six months, when I get used to the idea that it was he who made me take this step, it was he who bought my body, and...
No, he didn't make me fall in love! I would never be able to love the man!
‘Good evening, Dolores,’ he says, speaking to me not in the husky, low voice I remember so well, but in the nice deep voice that I heard for the first time three years ago, standing at my parents' doorstep, on the very day when he announced the death of our parents and turned our lives upside down. ‘How are you?’
‘Couldn't be better!’ I blurt out.
I try to look away to escape his dark eyes, to avoid peering at his relaxed, slightly plump lips. I restrain myself from doing anything that can drive me crazy.
‘I didn't think you'd react the way you did.’
‘Oh, really?’
‘You should know that...’
‘That you meant well?’ I sharply turn my face to him, feeling a little dizzy, but it quickly fades away. ‘That you wanted to help and go unnoticed? But in the end, you decided to have fun since the bills were paid, and took advantage of me! You... You...’
‘What did you expect me to do?’
Mr. Grand abruptly looms over me like a hawk, violating my personal space, just like he did in my parents' kitchen two years ago. Memories start haunting me again. Again. His scent hits my nose, a familiar, threatening voice rings in my ears, and his touch makes me remember our hot nights of passion, when he squeezed my body tightly and brought me to ecstasy.
‘After your ad on the site, thirty guys wanted to buy you. Just imagine, there were thirty of them!’ he hisses.
‘Only you! Only you sent me a message!’
‘You should be grateful that I'm on the good foot with the site administrator! I called that fat prick in time to keep him away from you. As for the update of your profile, I should better not mention it. Do you know what messages they typed you? Lustful, dirty comments... You wouldn't endure a day in their company.’
‘There's only one pervert here, and that's you!’ I yelled at him.
‘Imagine what would have happened to you if it hadn't been for me. Where would you be then?’
He doesn't raise his voice, but the hard tone makes me silent in the blink of an eye. I try to imagine any situation that could be worse than the current one. Well, I imagine a few scenarios, and they don’t seem nice and bright.
Images of rape victims from Internet, news stories about missing girls who were found buried in trash bags, flashed before my eyes. All the terrifying
things that were predicted by Andrew once... After all, according to him, that could end up badly. It's like in the movies when they cut a girl to pieces and pack them in containers. But in fact...
I'd rather get minced than look into Mr. Grand's black eyes, full of malice and... I don't know what else.
‘I saved your life,’ he says, pronouncing each letter, dropping the words on my face with his minty breath.
‘You humiliated me! What if they find out what you've done?’
‘I gave you my word that I wouldn't hurt you.’
‘By sleeping with me? Really? Do you understand what you're saying?’
His supercilious attitude enraged me much more than I thought it would. It’s hard to believe that he was the man, the maniac who turned my life upside down. I suspected anyone but him.
He protected me, deceiving me...
It sounds stupid, there’s no denying it.
‘I saved you,’ he says after eternity of tense silence. ‘Don't tell me you didn't enjoy it.’
‘I didn’t like...’
‘Come on. Lie to me.’
Despite all my effort, my voice shook a little. I work up the nerve to tell him what I think of him, but
I fail...
My courage sinks deep into me, replaced by the fear that grips my body and conflicting desire to touch his beautifully shaped lips. His face is too close, I literally feel his three-day stubble. Moreover, his hot, fast breathing burns my skin. The darkness of his gaze, barely visible wrinkles in the corners of his eyes, the challenge... For some reason, he believes that I will never deceive him. But I will tell the truth. I will...
What should I say, though? That I didn't like him? That we didn't enjoy having sex? That the night we spent together in his studio was a mistake? But this is a lie! Saying this, I will lie not just to him, but to myself.
‘Remember, you’ll never be able to forget me,’ Mr. Grand says into my lips with the same voice that drove me crazy when I was blindfolded.
‘But you told me not to contact you after I found out who you are...’
‘Our encounters are over,’ he continues, ‘but I know you will throw yourself in my way, no matter what I said. When you become vulnerable, you will call me, and I will agree to your proposal.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I have feelings for you.’
Without waiting for an answer, the man rises from his chair and leaves the room, his eyes away from mine. I watch him off, and then he disappears behind the corner. I watch the predator’s barely audible footsteps, the haughty profile, eyes fixed before him, ignoring any people around.
I watch him and realize that my heart is still pounding in my chest, that every word he says has hit the nail on the head. Yes, I can’t deny it – it's impossible to forget our relationship.
I would never have such feelings for another man...
I sit still for a while, puzzled, thinking of our conversation. The face-to-face conversation with my stranger... Fear mixed with some other feelings overcomes me. Until...
‘Hi baby!’
Until Adam, his face pale, bursts into the room. It's strange that he manages to walk so soon after the surgery, even though he needs a walking stick. However, it looks like he doesn't need it at all.
‘Stop calling me baby!’ I blurt out as he slowly sits down in the chair next to me.
‘What was Grand doing here?’ Adam asks with a hard voice. ‘I saw him leave your ward.’
‘What do you care? As far as I remember, you were going to sell me!’
‘I’m sorry, Lo, it was not my intention!’
‘You are sorry! Really?’
That's what I was talking about – he comes and play innocent, getting on my nerves. Now Adam will lower his eyes, makes apologies, saying something about being off his head, like he did when apologizing to Andrew, but I don't believe him anymore. I am not gonna take seriously a single word spoken from the lips as plump as mine.
‘You are my sister. I didn’t remember...’
‘But you didn’t remember that!’
‘What was Grand doing here?’ he got back to the initial topic.
‘Get the hell away from me! Why should I answer your questions?’ I stare at my brother, my eyes burning him to ash. I would eagerly do this if I had an opportunity.
‘Don't talk to him.’
What? Why on earth would he forbid me anything after what he'd done to me? Anyway, I am not supposed to take his advice.
However, my curiosity is playing against me:
‘Why shouldn’t I?’
Adam shifts from foot to foot, stares at his clasped hands for a while, then casts a quick glance around the room, and says, hesitantly:
‘Don't expect anything good from him.’
‘Is that all?’ I raise my eyebrow. ‘Get out of here! I don't want to see you.’
‘I mean that! He's not what he seems.’
Of course, he’s not! Sebastian bought me to fuck me in every possible way without any restrictions. Who but I should know his true self!
‘Get out of here!’
Adam doesn't argue. He exits the room with a drooping look, leaving me alone with my thoughts about conversations with two men who were once important to me...
‘I have feelings for you.’
For some reason, this particular phrase pops up in my mind over and over again. He said that he was not interested in relationships, asked me not to dream, not to look for him. But before he left, he told me something completely different.
Maybe our feelings are mutual...
No! Not mutual! I don't love him! I’m not going to call him! I will not humiliate begging him to give me another chance! Never!
I have to forget him and move on! I have to do it alone, without Sebastian and Adam.
Chapter 31.
It feels so good when you come out of the nasty hospital environment! The environment in which lives of many people depend solely on the experience of doctors... I finally got rid of all that stuff and found myself warm and cozy in quite home-like environment.
Instead of returning to the dorm room, I decided to stay with guys for a while. They kindly offer me the soft nest when I complained to Andrew about my nightmares and loneliness. I told him that I wouldn't be able to think straight in the dorm and the boxes and gifts from Grand would remind me of the nasty relationship we had.
I hope Alex doesn't mind that I am ruining the rest of vacation to the lovebirds. By the look on his face, I would say he didn’t mind much. I hope so.
‘Make yourself at home,’ the blond man says, smiling at me, as Andrew and I enter the apartment.
‘Don't worry, I won't stay here for too long,’ I tell him, sitting down on the sofa in the small living room.
‘Until the nightmares stop?’ Andrew asks, putting my small bag with belongings next to me.
‘Probably.’
‘Are you sure they won't torment you later?’
‘I hope so...’
I really hope so, I hope with all my heart. But I didn't say it out loud. Everything is clear without any explanation. I feel Alex looking at me sideways, and I remember Andrew's concern and trepidation when I was in the hospital. It's almost the same now, too.
I just don't want anything to remind me of the man. My dorm room, the ward where he'd been only once but succeeded in hurting my feelings, could easily revive my emotions. Maybe I’ll be able to set things straight and start a new life.
I hope so since hope springs eternal.
Yesterday, when Dr. Connor announced the results of the tests and said that I could go home, I made probably the most important decision of recent days: I need a fresh start. I’ll purchase our family house, and continue my studies at the University. Maybe I’ll transfer to another one, for example, in Liverpool.
I’ll meet a good guy, fall in love, get married and have children. But this will happen in the distant future, not now, when my mind is torn apart, and I was too confused to think.
Memories, conflicting emotions and feelings are flowing through my head like an infinite stream.
We are sitting together in the living room, watching the first Harry Potter film, but my mind is elsewhere – in a private room of the club, then in his apartment in the city center, in the Spa center, and even in the toilet stall. I thought it was Sullivan... What a fool I was!
However, it doesn't matter now. The stranger has been revealed, but I still can’t raze from my mind memories and love I felt for him.
‘Remember, you’ll never be able to forget me.’
Maybe he was right. Maybe I can't live without this man. Without his burning caress, his scent, kisses that drive me crazy... Can I? I don't know. Things are so complicated. I feel confused, delighted and disgusted at the same time.
My heart starts pounding again at the bare recollection of our last encounter. How can I start a new life when I am willing to rush for him and sink in his strong arms?
Heck!
‘Hey, why are you so sour?’ Andrew pulls me out of my thoughts. ‘I bet you are thinking about him again!’
How did he know? Did he read my mind? I told my friend about the conversation and revealed the identity of the stranger the day after Sebastian and Adam visited me. Andrew was surprised as much as I was.
‘You know, things are complicated. I have no idea when...’
‘When are you going to call him?’
What? Why does he say this? I’m not going to call anyone! No way! Anyway, I don't want to look at the present and the future through the prism of my offense at the bastard who treated me so cruelly.
I don't want any garbage from the past getting in the way.
‘What are you talking about? I’m not going to call him!’ I raise my voice involuntarily.
‘But you love him.’
‘This man seduced me, hid his personality, and forced me to sleep with him! Do you really think it’s okay?’
‘Look, the circumstances are shitty. But... What if someone else had taken his place? If he hadn't intervened on the dating site? Just think of what could have happened to you in that case! I told you about...’
