It was beautiful. It was sorrowful. She could imagine how long he’d taken to make this for her. But it was also joyful. She hugged the card against her chest, wishing it was both Riley and Finn.
She blinked back the tears as she walked over to her shelf and put Finn’s Christmas card in front of all the others. It had pride of place for her. She wanted to look at it and remind herself what could be out there when she was ready.
Her stomach growled loudly again and she grabbed her purse, which was lying on her sofa. The walk to the main street only took a few minutes.
She loved the winter time—especially when the pavements were glistening and the trees were dusted with snow. The lamp posts glowed orange, bathing the rest of the street in a warm hue. Even though it was after seven, the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping was alive and well on the high street. All of the shops had started opening late, enticing people to shop more and more.
Some of the takeaways already had queues but her eyes were drawn to the soft yellow lights from the old church. She smiled. From here it looked like the church from the Christmas village in the garden centre. There were sandwich boards on the pavement outside. Christmas Cheer Dinner. She’d forgotten about that.
She rubbed her hands together as she glanced at the queue outside the pizza shop. She’d been introduced to the Christmas Cheer Dinner last year by a colleague. The church members chose one night to make a proper Christmas dinner that everyone could attend and pay what they wished. It was really a charity fundraiser, allowing them to use the proceeds from that night to make an actual Christmas dinner for those in the homeless hostels on Christmas Day. She’d planned on eating at home, alone. It might be nice to eat amongst some other people and donate to the cause.
Her feet carried her into the church hall automatically. She smiled at a few familiar faces and joined the queue of people waiting for dinner. There was a choir from the local school singing some carols in a corner of the room, with a few playing instruments. She couldn’t help but smile. Christmas was always all about the kids. The biggest tree she’d ever seen was in another corner, adorned with red and gold decorations, and small tea lights were on the window ledges beneath the stained-glass windows, sending streams of red, blue and green across the room.
The line moved quickly and she soon had a plate with a steaming-hot Christmas dinner and she stuffed a few notes into the collection pot next to the cutlery.
She looked around. There was a low hum of chatter amongst the people already eating dinner. Most of the tables were full, with only a few spaces here and there. The lights at the food dispensary were bright, but the lights in the hall were dim; the tables had flickering candles lining them, creating a more Christmas-like atmosphere.
She walked over to the table nearest the choir. It would be nice to hear the children sing as she ate.
‘April!’ came the shout.
She recognised the voice instantly. Finn was in the front line of the choir—how had she missed that cheeky face?—and he looked as proud as Punch dressed in his uniform of grey trousers and a red jumper. ‘There’s a space next to Dad. You can see me!’
April gulped and looked to where an excited Finn was pointing. Riley glanced up from his plate of turkey and gave her a half-smile and shrug. He’d texted and left her a message a few days ago but she hadn’t responded. She’d spent the last two days timing her visits to wards to ensure they didn’t coincide with his. But she couldn’t keep doing this.
Her heart gave a lurch as she sat down next to him.
‘Sorry,’ he murmured.
‘It’s fine,’ she said, giving Finn a wave. ‘I had no idea he was singing with the choir.’
‘Neither had I,’ sighed Riley. ‘I found the note in his school bag about five minutes after the last delivery guy left.’ He gave a wry smile. ‘Remind me in future that I need to check the school bag every day. There were four notes in there.’
April smiled as she tried not to look into those green eyes. It had only been a few days and she missed them—no matter how much she’d tried not to.
She picked up her knife and fork. ‘I’d forgotten about the Christmas Cheer Dinner. I came last year too. Couldn’t eat for about three days after it because the portions here are huge.’ She glanced sideways. Riley’s eyes were locked on hers.
‘How are you?’ he said quietly.
She broke their gaze and looked down at her food. ‘I’m fine,’ she said automatically. She paused. ‘Thank you for the card. It was lovely. It was so thoughtful.’ She looked up at Finn, who automatically gave her another wave.
‘He missed you.’ Riley’s voice was hoarse. ‘I miss you too.’
As she stared at her dinner her appetite started to leave her. She moved her knife and fork; it would be a shame to waste this lovely dinner. She didn’t want to get upset. She’d come in here tonight because it felt like the right place to be. She wanted to help the charitable cause, and she wanted to surround herself with people who loved Christmas as much as she did.
She started eating. People around them were chatting easily. The kids started another song. One of the helpers came around and filled up all their glasses.
The words I miss you both too reverberated around her brain. She really, really wanted to say them. It felt honest to say them. But something still stopped her.
‘How was the house move?’ she asked quickly.
For a second it seemed as if Riley’s face fell, as if he’d been waiting for her to say something else. But he gave a brief nod. ‘Exhausting. I didn’t know I could plumb in a washing machine, but apparently I can. I had to go and knock on a neighbour’s door to get him to help me lift the TV onto the wall.’
‘You bought one of those giant TVs?’ She was smiling. She couldn’t help it.
‘Of course I did.’ He gestured towards Finn. ‘The cable and Internet guy arrived this morning. It’s the first time I’ve ever paid for cable TV in my life. I was living in hope of endless nights of watching the sports channels, but it seems Finn has other plans entirely.’
She swallowed her food. ‘He found the cartoon channels, didn’t he?’
Riley raised his eyebrows and nodded, folding his arms across his chest. ‘Boy, did he. Do you have any idea how many kids’ TV channels there are?’
She laughed. ‘Oh, yes. I had an introduction the other night. We should compare lists.’
He met her smile. ‘We should, shouldn’t we?’
Their gazes meshed again. It was almost as if the world fell silent around them. The hum of voices blocked out. It was just him. And her. In the flickering candlelight.
Riley. The guy who had well and truly captured her heart. She couldn’t deny it a second longer. She hadn’t meant to fall in love. She absolutely hadn’t. But it seemed that fate had other ideas for her.
And it wasn’t just Riley she’d fallen in love with. It was Finn too. They were a package deal.
She’d never hated her genes more than she hated them now. Not even when they’d stolen her sister from her. The thought made her catch her breath.
She wanted to move on with her life. She wanted to feel as if she could plan for the future. Her fingers actually itched to pull her phone from her pocket and demand a surgery date right now. Once she’d had the surgery she might feel as if she could take stock. To sit down with Riley and talk about the possibility of a future together—if he still wanted that.
She’d seen the fleeting worry on his face when she’d mentioned Finn the other day. Maybe that worry had planted seeds and grown? If it had, there was nothing she could do. She’d never do anything to hurt Riley and Finn.
But, if that was the case, why was he telling her that he missed her?
She couldn’t pull her gaze away from his. She wanted to stay right here, in this moment, for the rest of her life.
It was like
being in a bubble. A place where no one was under threat of being sick. Christmas was captured, Finn was happy and there was time just for the two of them. Why couldn’t she just stay here?
Riley’s hand closed over hers, sending a wave of tingles up her arm. ‘This won’t ever go away, will it?’ she breathed, half questioning, half hopeful.
He lifted one hand and put it behind her head, pulling her closer to him. ‘I don’t want it to,’ he whispered as his lips met hers.
It didn’t matter that they were in the middle of the church hall. It didn’t matter that people were on either side of them. It was just the simplest and sweetest of kisses. Nothing more. Nothing less. But it filled her with a warmer glow than any fire or candle could.
The music changed around them, a more modern tune bellowing from the speakers. Riley pulled back, smiling. ‘Since when is “Jingle Bell Rock” a Christmas carol?’ he asked.
She laughed and put her head on his shoulder, just taking a few seconds to breathe in his scent and remind herself what she was doing. Their little bubble had vanished. But she didn’t mind. The kids had all been handed out tambourines and were banging away to their own beat. Riley pulled out his phone to video Finn for his mum. ‘If I send her this it will keep her happy. She’s coming down in a few days to apparently “sort the house out”. I might come and hide at yours.’
He slid his arm around her shoulders as they watched Finn and his classmates singing. Tears glistened in her eyes. ‘He’s doing so well, Riley. He really is.’
‘He’ll do even better if he thinks you’ll be around,’ Riley replied. ‘We both will.’ He sounded so determined. So sure.
Her heart skipped a few beats. This was what she wanted. It had just seemed so far away. So impossible right now.
She closed her eyes for a second and sent a silent prayer upwards.
Please let this be for real. Please.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
EVERYTHING FELT GOOD. Everything felt right.
It didn’t matter that the house was still organised chaos. It didn’t matter that he’d spent twenty minutes this morning trying to find one of Finn’s school shoes. All that mattered was that he finally felt as if things were on the right track with April.
He’d made a few more casual enquiries about jobs. It seemed that the GP track would be the most viable for him, and the more he considered it, the more interested he became. All the clinics that he’d ever done in settings overseas had been walk-ins. It meant he’d had to deal with a wide range of different issues—a bit like GPs did here. Sure, there had been a whole host of area-specific complications, but it wouldn’t be as big a jump as he’d first thought.
Finn had been so animated last night. He’d been so happy that April had watched him sing with the choir and when he’d finished she’d made a fuss of him. She hadn’t gone home with them last night, but they’d walked her back to her flat and she’d given them both a kiss on the cheek.
It might not have seemed like enough. But it was enough for right now.
He looked around the ward again. April hadn’t appeared yet today. He glanced at his watch. It was coming up to lunchtime. She must be at the other ward. He would go and find her and see if he could interest her in some lunch.
* * *
April hadn’t walked home last night—she’d glided. At least that was what it felt like. When she’d finally gone to bed she thought it was just nervous excitement that meant she couldn’t sleep. It didn’t take long to realise it was more than that.
For the last few weeks she’d had weird occasional grumblings in her stomach. Sometimes it felt like indigestion, leaving her feeling nauseous and sick. She was used to having painful periods. Her doctor had put her on the oral contraceptive pill to help reduce her risk of ovarian cancer and also to help with her painful periods. But the period pain had continued. But this type of pain felt different.
She’d shifted around in bed all night, finally getting up to take some painkillers, then getting up an hour later to try to drink some tea.
It hadn’t helped. She’d finally pulled on her uniform and gone into work as normal. But as the morning progressed, so did her pain.
John Burns had even commented on her colour as she worked with him. ‘Hope you’re not coming down with something. Last thing I need is a sickness bug. You’re a terrible colour.’
She’d made her excuses and left, going to the ladies’ bathroom and retching in the sink.
Her skin broke out in beads of sweat. But the beads of sweat were cold. She shivered as the pain swept through her abdomen again. She ran into the cubicle and sat down, bolting the door.
The sweating wouldn’t stop. She could feel it running between her shoulder blades. But it was the waves of pain that were worse.
She put her head against the side of the cubicle as she doubled over in pain. Horror swept through her. Her stomach felt rigid.
Mallory’s had been bloated. But she’d had a whole host of other symptoms. Unusual bleeding. Nausea. Pain in her abdomen, pelvis, back and legs. Indigestion. And a complete and utter feeling of exhaustion.
Now, she thought she might be sick again. Her stomach wasn’t bloated. She hadn’t had any strange bleeding, or pain in her back or legs. But she had felt nauseous a number of times over the last few weeks. There had also been niggling pains—nothing like today, of course.
But now she felt gripped with panic. She’d been so distracted these last few weeks. All because of Riley and Finn. They’d captured her attention. Made her less vigilant.
She’d had a few tiny thoughts when she’d felt the niggles of pain. But she’d been used to painful periods and just put it down to that. She hadn’t been tired, or bloated, so it had seemed over the top to start panicking.
But right now she’d never felt pain like it.
She should never have kissed Riley. She should never have started to feel attached to Finn. What if she was sick? Riley had enough to cope with, learning to be a father. Finn didn’t need someone to enter his life, then leave him alone again. He was just a kid. He didn’t deserve that. A hot, angry tear spilled down her cheek.
She pushed herself up and opened the cubicle door again.
This was a hospital. It might not have an accident and emergency department, but it had enough doctors that someone would be able to take a look at her.
She tried to straighten up, but her abdomen didn’t really agree.
Catching sight of herself in the mirror didn’t help. There were black circles under her eyes, only highlighted by the paleness of her skin.
She opened the door back into the corridor.
Riley was standing directly opposite, talking to someone in the corridor and showing them his phone. ‘The pictures are great—the house looks fabulous.’ The nurse smiled and gave him a nudge. ‘And big. I take it at some point you’ll be planning on using all those rooms?’
April froze and Riley gave a casual response. ‘Yeah...maybe.’
She already knew it was time to walk away. She didn’t want Riley and Finn to see her sick. But that? That was just the extra push that she needed.
Riley looked up. ‘Hey, there you are. I’ve been looking for you. Want to go and get some lunch?’
She shook her head and did her best to walk in the opposite direction. She didn’t even want to have this conversation. Her brain was so mixed up. Last night she’d been so happy. Things that had seemed out of her reach were right in front of her. She should have known it was too good to be true.
Why should she get to live the life that Mallory didn’t? They’d come into this world together—maybe they should have gone out of it together.
Her head was swimming. She couldn’t think straight. Irrational thoughts were filling her head.
‘Hey—’ Riley stepped in front of her ‘—is someth
ing wrong?’
He seemed to blur in her vision. His voice seemed far away, even though he was right in front of her. ‘Go away, Riley. Go away. This isn’t going to work. It was never going to work. I asked you to give me some space.’ She stopped. The wave of pain made her want to double over again.
‘April—’ this time his voice was directly in her ear ‘—April, what’s wrong?’
She shook her head. She couldn’t do this. If she was ill, she didn’t want Riley to feel as if he had to be around her. There was enough going on in his life. He didn’t need a sick girlfriend, and she couldn’t bear for him to see her the way her sister had ended up. A shadow of her former self, weak, emaciated, in constant pain and finally wishing her life away. It had broken April’s heart. It had broken her mum’s and dad’s hearts. She didn’t want him to stay with her out of duty or some kind of responsibility.
But, more importantly, she didn’t want him to stay with her out of love.
That would break her heart as much as his and Finn’s.
She had to walk away. She had to be strong and determined.
She pulled herself straight, willing herself to forget the waves of pain just for a few seconds.
‘I’m sorry, Riley. We should never have got involved. It was wrong of me. It was wrong of you. Finn needs your full attention.’ She took a deep breath. ‘And I’m not sure if I could ever love someone else’s son the way I should.’ She hated those words. Every single one of them was a lie. But pushing Riley away now was so much more important than him feeling indebted to her when she finally got the diagnosis she was dreading.
Why hadn’t her last lot of bloods shown the CA125 antigen? Why hadn’t she acted sooner? Why had she wasted time?
Right now she was angry with herself. But she still cared about Riley and Finn. She didn’t want them to have to take this path with her.
Riley’s face was pale. ‘April, what on earth are you talking about? What’s changed between now and last night? Have I missed something?’
‘No,’ she answered abruptly. ‘But I have. Let’s just leave it. Let’s just not take things any further.’
A Family Made at Christmas Page 15
