‘Don't speak like that in front of Daisy,’ I say, ‘and remember Charlotte’s here.’ I’m surprised; Eleanor is not usually like that, it’s Alice and Bonny that call Lucy names. Eleanor’s managed to keep things civil with Lucy, Noel did too - he does Charlotte’s braces, those fancy ones that you can hardly see.
Or he did.
God, another thing to worry about.
‘Lucy is a bitch though,’ Eleanor says and she picks up Daisy and holds her high and blows kisses onto her tummy and speaks in a baby voice to her little girl. ‘Did your daddy to be, sleep with your step nanny?’ She turns to me as Daisy happily squeals for more of her mother’s kisses and she misinterprets my stunned expression. ‘They did.’ Eleanor says. ‘After the funeral!’
I don’t understand how she knows. More than that, I can’t believe how calm Eleanor is – I mean, she’s standing there with Daisy on her hip now and I think she’s even grinning.
‘It’s true!’ She says to the gaping hole of my mouth that is taking up my face.
‘Who told you?’
‘Scaredy Cat, Noel,’ she smirks. ‘He sobbed it all out the other week.’
I don't know my daughter – you think you know someone, you think that you know how they’ll react in certain situations but in truth, you don’t.
‘I’m actually glad that it happened,’ Eleanor says. ‘Not that I’ll ever tell him that.’ She looks down at Daisy who’s wriggling in her arms and blowing raspberries and wanting more kisses on her tummy from her mum. ‘I am actually glad that it happened – if we’re ever going to work out our marriage, maybe I need something big to forgive too.’
I do recognize her – it is Eleanor, it’s just not the Eleanor I’ve always known, my eldest has finally grown up. ‘I am trying Mum,’ she says and she hands me back Daisy. ‘Noel is too – he will be her dad, I just don’t know when.’ She looks at her baby and I know she loves her, I know now that I’m not so scared anymore.
‘Daisy!’ Charlotte skids in the room and comes to a halt when she sees that Eleanor is here. ‘Oh, hi Eleanor,’ she says and, well, it’s a bit embarrassing to tell you the next bit, but that's how it is around Eleanor and Noel - Charlotte duly walks over and flashes her teeth. It was the same for me – my teeth were shocking and Noel fixed them up a few months ago and while I was getting work done, every time Eleanor came over, I had to show her my teeth, like a horse…
Anyway, Eleanor is fond of Charlotte and she’s nice enough to know that it’s hardly her fault and she tells Charlotte how nice they look, but Charlotte says she hasn’t had them done in ages.
‘Mum says we can’t go to Noel anymore.’ Thank God for that I think. ‘She says it’s because he doesn’t do many evening appointments and with her job and everything… but I don’t think it’s for that reason.’ Eleanor and I share a quick yikes look, surely Charlotte doesn’t know what’s happened.
I mean surely.
‘I think it’s because of the new mortgage.’ I can see the shimmer of tears in Charlotte’s eyes and that poor kid has been put through so much – not just last night. Her dad’s gone, her pony has too and it can’t be about money, because I know Noel was hardly charging her anything. Maybe Lucy does have a conscience after all.
‘Maybe,’ Eleanor looks at me, ‘Maybe, I can--’ and then she closes her eyes, because, no, she really can’t face Lucy, so I step in.
‘Why don’t you tell your mum that if she’s struggling to get you there, I can take you,’ I offer and I look to Eleanor who nods.
After Eleanor has gone I leave Charlotte to get Daisy off to sleep because the phone rings and it’s a call I don’t want her to know about.
I take the call in my bedroom and then when I hang up it rings again and it’s Paul.
‘Shouldn’t you be asleep?’
‘I can’t sleep,’ he says. ‘Do you understand why I couldn’t tell you?’
‘Of course.’ I’m actually proud that he didn’t. ‘Was that your stress at work?’
‘Yep,’ he admits.
‘I thought…’ when I falter, he pushes me to go on. ‘I thought you just didn’t like me talking about him.’
‘Maybe a bit of that too.’
His honesty surprises me. I’m not used to it I guess. ‘I think it’s because he died, it just bought a lot of stuff up.’
‘I get that,’ he says. ‘It’s just…’
‘Just what?’
‘You just seem to miss him so much.’
‘Miss him?’ I frown. ‘No,’ I tell Paul. ‘It’s not like that. I think I’m still angry.’
‘We'll talk about it. Not on the phone though,’ Paul says. ‘We need to talk properly.’
‘Honestly?’ I check.
‘Honestly.’ He says.
Then my throat goes all tight, because here I am demanding honesty but there’s something I can never tell him.
Something that I’d die if it ever came out.
I honestly think I would.
Paul doesn’t notice my silence, he just carries on talking. ‘I’m not going to lose you to a dead guy, Gloria.’
‘Call around on your way to work,’ I offer.
‘It’s going to take more than a quick chat,’ Paul says.
‘Not about that.’ I grin, because it sounds like we really are going to be able to talk about things, well not everything, I am allowed to keep some things to me. ‘I’ve got loads of other stuff to tell you. You’re not going to believe this…’ and quickly I tell him that I’m going to be taking Charlotte to the dentist and he starts to laugh and yes, because it’s me, he can believe it, he says. ‘Oh, but there’s more…’ There’s so much more to tell him but I’m not going to on the phone. There isn’t time because there’s someone at the door and he can come over on his way to work tonight if he wants to hear that Eleanor knows about Lucy and Noel.
I know we’ll end up laughing then too.
It’s how he makes me – it’s like all my worries and fears lighten when I speak to him.
I go down the stairs and I’m still smiling, even when I open the door.
CHAPTER THIRTY NINE
Lucy
‘I’m sorry.’
I can’t look at her.
I am beyond embarrassed.
I spoke to the consultant at 8am. He was actually very nice, and seemed to understand that it was the cream I was trying to get, and he believed that it hadn’t happened before.
Not in years.
But he wants me to see my GP and he is going to have to speak with social services.
I was discharged at 8.30am – bundled into a taxi wearing two hospital gowns. I’ve been home and cleaned up the house and I’m not up to driving so, at lunchtime, I phoned for a taxi. It’s waiting in the street and I just want to grab Charlotte and run.
‘Thank you,’ I say and I still can’t look at her. ‘I’m really sorry….’
‘Why don’t you pay the taxi and come in,’ Gloria says. ‘Charlotte’s just upstairs with Daisy.’
I can’t really say no, can I?
I pay the taxi and I walk into the home I once destroyed.
‘Do you want a coffee?’ Gloria offers and I shake my head. It hurts to shake my head. ‘Could I have a glass of water?’
‘I might have one too,’ says Gloria. We share the briefest of looks as she hands me a glass, as I drink cool water and Gloria does the same.
‘How’s Charlotte?’
‘A bit confused,’ Gloria says. ‘She’s very worried about her mum,’ she adds. ‘Which she doesn’t need.’
I close my eyes, I don’t want a lecture, but I know I deserve one, except it doesn’t come. ‘You’ll get there, I’ve told her.’ I look up at Gloria. ‘Charlotte adores Daisy.’
‘I know,’ I nod. ‘She talks about her all the time.’
‘A social worker called.’ I close my eyes in shame. ‘I told her that Charlotte was here with me and that she was fine. I said that, from everything I know, you’ve been a wonderful mother but tha
t you’ve been struggling since your husband died.’ After all this time she hands him over to me and, the strange thing is, now I don’t want him. ‘I told her that I would do all I can to help with Charlotte. That’s if you want me to.’
I don’t know what she means.
‘Charlotte said that you weren’t able to take her to the dentist.’
My face is burning, I go to take a drink but my glass is empty, and Gloria takes it. She takes hers too and is gone a moment then she comes back with both of them filled and we both take a gulp of our cool water. ‘I can take her to Noel for you – it’s no problem for me and it might give Charlotte a chance to see Daisy now and then.’
‘It’s every few weeks,’ I say.
‘I know that.’
‘Why?’ Why is she being nice?
‘I can’t help but care about Charlotte,’ Gloria says. ‘To tell the truth Lucy, I didn’t do the best by my girls sometimes, I was a bit missing in action for a while.’ She smiles at my frown. ‘I don’t want the same for Charlotte. When’s her next appointment?’
‘I haven’t made one. I cancelled them.’
‘She needs her teeth sorted. Ring for an appointment and let me know when it is and I’ll take her.’
I’ve been so worried about her teeth.
They really do need sorting, they were just starting to look nice – I just didn’t know what to do.
‘Thank you,’ I say. ‘And thank you for last night.’
My head is pounding and I wince. I put my fingers to my temples, I just want it to subside and then I say it. ‘I’m sorry.’
There’s a very long silence.
‘I’m so sorry, Gloria.’
We both know, I think, that I’m not just referring to last night.
‘Why don’t you leave Charlotte here tonight,’ Gloria says. ‘I’ve got Daisy and in some ways it’s easier having the two of them.’
‘Her school uniform…’ I close my eyes and it hurts, my head hurts and I actually think I might be sick. I don’t know why she’s being nice, well I know it’s because she cares about Charlotte, or more that she just is…
…nice.
‘I could ask my friend Jess to bring it over this afternoon.’
Last night I remember it being so important that neither Jess nor Luke found out. I refused to give them anyone’s number. Now, with what’s happened, I really don't care who knows.
It’s embarrassing enough that Gloria saw me.
It kills that Charlotte did.
‘Can I use your loo?’
‘Of course,’ Gloria says. ‘Up the top of the stairs and to your left.’
She doesn’t have to tell me.
I can hear Charlotte singing to Daisy.
I look at the loo to the left and then I look at Gloria’s bedroom to the right, the door is open and I can see him and me tumbling on the bed there.
What if he’d had a heart attack then?
It could have been me standing there wrapped in a towel and crying as Gloria came home.
I’m the biggest bitch I know.
I go back downstairs and maybe Charlotte heard me, because I turn and she is there.
‘She won’t sleep.’ Charlotte is at the door holding Daisy.
‘I told you not to get her out of her cot without calling me,’ Gloria gently scolds her and takes Daisy.
‘Hi, Mum.’ I can see Charlotte’s eyes are wary as she assesses me. I can see the pain and the fear that I’ve caused and I never want her to see me like that again – she’ll never see me like that again.
I mean it.
I know it.
She will never see me in that state again.
‘Hi, baby girl.’ I say. That’s sort of her nickname, what her dad used to call her.
‘Charlotte,’ she says. ‘I don't like being called “baby girl”. I’m not a baby anymore.’
No, she’s not; she’s had to grow up way too fast.
I tell her that Gloria’s offered to take her to the dentist and, Charlotte’s so pleased, it hurts. Then I tell her that Gloria has offered for her to stay for another night and, she’s so pleased that that hurts too.
‘Let’s go and ring mum a taxi,’ Gloria suggests.
‘You can order them online,’ Charlotte says.
‘Really?’ Gloria answers. ‘Show me!’
They really do get on and, without thinking really, Gloria hands Daisy to me and asks if I can hold her for a moment and the two of them go off.
I hold Daisy to me and I remember holding Charlotte. I look down at her and their chins are the same and I remember holding my new baby. I was so scared when they handed her to me, so scared to hold her that I cried when I did. I remember telling her how I’d always be there for her, how I’d never hurt her, what a good mum I’d be. My tears fall on Daisy now, because look what I’ve become…I think Gloria sees me crying because she walks in and walks out with Charlotte. I hear them getting out tins in the kitchen and I weep a little bit more and then I pull myself together enough to say goodbye when the taxi toots. I hand Daisy over and I hug Charlotte, who doesn’t hug me back, she just stands rigid in my arms.
I feel every bump and every bend in the road as the taxi takes me home and there she is waiting, clipping a hedge that doesn’t need clipping, just to have a first row seat at me.
She gives me a cheery wave in her gardening gloves. Hasn't she had enough of a show to be content with? She saw the ambulance last night and she saw the ambulance when he died, and that woman running off.
Hasn’t she got enough gossip stashed up her sleeve already?
What the hell is she doing coming over?
‘Hi Lucy,’ she smiles her perfect smile. ‘How are you – I’ve been so worried. I saw the ambulance.’
Here’s where I lie, here’s where I say something about my asthma (that I don’t have), or that I had a reaction to sleeping tablets, or that I tripped over the dog, except we haven’t got a dog and I’m too tired to lie. I’m too exhausted to cover over the cracks, there’s no point anyway - they’re all gaping open for everyone to see.
So, I give her what she wants, I give her, firsthand, the gossip that will soon line the school and the street.
‘I went on a bender,’ I say and I see her face startle. ‘I made the biggest ice cream cake and, because I didn’t have cream, I washed it down with Baileys.’ I’m starting to cry but I just carry right on. ‘I got so drunk that I fell off the loo and then I shit myself. My daughter found me and thought I was dead like her dad was…’ I think I am going to throw up, I’m crying so hard, thinking what Charlotte must have thought. I wait for her eyebrows to raise, for her to dash off or wait till I’m inside so she can rush down the street.
Except, her arms are around me.
My perfect neighbour has her arms around me and is leading me to my door, to my home.
More than that, she is coming inside with me.
CHAPTER FORTY
‘Hi, Luke…’
My face is burning as I look up from the table as he comes down the hall.
Jess has gone to visit her mum in Wales, he told me when I rang about the uniform, and I told him a bit about last night.
My neighbour lets him in and, after a few moments of chat, she gives me a hug and leaves, telling me if I need her, just to call.
The strange thing is, I might.
I can’t look at him.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says and I frown, because an apology from Luke I wasn’t expecting. ‘I knew you were in trouble.’ He sits at the table with me. ‘I should have made you see your GP.’ I look up and he closes his eyes. ‘We shouldn’t have left you on your own last night.’
‘You offered to come over.’
‘Yeah,’ he gives a pale smile. ‘I shouldn’t have listened when you said no.’
He looks at me for a very long time.
‘You need to sort yourself out.’
‘I know.’
‘Properly.’
‘I k
now.’
He tells me how worried he is and I get a very long lecture about taking better care of myself. He just drones on and on but, at one point, he gets really cross with me.
‘It’s not just the fucking cream,’ he says, he actually stands at that point, he leans over the table and shouts at me. ‘Was the missing cream the problem when you shagged Noel?’
I start to cry.
‘Was the missing cream the problem when you forgot to wash?’
‘Please Luke,’ I beg him to leave it.
‘No, I will not leave it,’ he shouts. ‘Your daughter needs you and you need to do whatever it takes to be here for her.’
‘I get it.’
‘I don’t think you do…’ Luke says. ‘I lost my mum. I had a single mum and I know how I felt when she was ill…’ He doesn’t say any more than that about it. ‘You need to ring your mum and get her over here.’
I don’t want to though.
‘Lucy, even if you don’t need her now, then Charlotte does…’
He waits while I ring her and he waits till she is here.
Then he leaves me alone with Mum.
CHAPTER FORTY ONE
Gloria
‘Luke!’
I was expecting Jess, but it turns out she drove back to Wales last night to see her mum.
It's actually Charlotte who opens the door and gives her godfather a hug. He hands her her uniform and school shoes and boater and Luke is so good, he acts as if it is completely normal that Charlotte is here.
He doesn't dodge the issue either.
He asks Charlotte how she is, he asks Charlotte about her mum and he asks Charlotte how she feels about what happened last night. He's just so lovely with her – every time I want to interrupt, every time I want to tell him to stop, he silences me with his grey eyes and he lets an eleven year-old speak.
It's the grown ups who don't want to hear it.
‘She's sad!’ I feel my heart twist as Charlotte describes it. ‘Mum used to be so pretty, she used to care, but she doesn’t even wash now. I’ve tried to run her a bath. I don’t know what to do.’
Luke tells her that she doesn’t have to do anything.
What Goes Around... Page 18
